Books I have completed reading since January 2017:
1. Angelopolis - Danielle Trussoni
2. The Magicians - Lev Grossman
3. The Magic Circle - Jenny Davidson
4. Memories - Lang Leav
Friends and Enemies
Akatsuki: Nightmares & Dreamscapes
-beats in my head-
Chika-Chin's Anime Mania!
empty white space
In My World
My Blah blah Bulogu
My Little World
Sdovelly~ c'est la vie
Serene's Silent Secrets
Shuffle and Repear
Tolanic's Travel Blog
Ego and pain
Sunday. 11.13.16 7:05 pm
Argh. I think I am developing some huge ego and pain here. I just get irritated when someone said something directly to me. I keep asking myself why I am feeling this pain. Oh well, ego got brush, frankly. But then why?
I don't really know why, frankly. I feel pain means pain la!
Can I accept the truth? Yes I can even though it's painful as hell. So why did I feel pain now when my friend said I'm being judgemental on FB? He posted a video of a youth debating in youth parliament and concluded that the youth parliament is just a talk shop and bla bla. My reply was a situation picked from my observation recently about some university students not informing the new bus driver to stop at the usual departure area hence I cannot imagine the same kids fighting for human rights unless something drastic happens to them like what happened to Mahatman Gandhi.
My friend replied that I have no right being judgmental and "So we should take the fault they think that way because thats how we telling them to behave and think."
No. I shall not take the fault nor blame for having minion workers. I have done my part in making students think. Unfortunately, the system that we have do not encourage thinking instead enhance the spoon-feeding system. Even if we tried, the parents will complain that their kids are 'suffering'. And education institutions fear parents and their kids because they are the paymasters.
My ego is really hurt when I read that sentence. I SHALL NOT BE part of the fault.
In fact, isn't he being judgemental to say ME, part of the WE, for not doing my part in educating the kids?
I have been thinking of what to reply to him. I have known him for 4 years but mainly online. I know he is very opinionated and the type of wanting to be a leader. And I seriously do not want to pick a fight on FB. To say 'you are judgmental' is the same being an asshole like him.
Do I like confrontations? No. Do I mind engage in confrontations? If I have to. Am I being a wussy? Well, maybe, but I have learnt that winning in confrontations only bring glory to myself but hurt to others. Therefore, I disengage and try to talk the truth during negotiations. No point of nuking everyone when we all need to live with each other. People will say whatever they want and when there's a reply they don't want to hear it will consider as outrage.
I think I have been too nice. People say I am not sensitive. Ok I changed my words to accommodate those sensitives. People say I am too demanding. Ok. I changed. People say I am too straightforward. I try to change but no matter what it's still quite straightforward, I mean the truth is the truth right? Where is the part where people like to say 'accept me for what I am'?
What a BS. I keep reflecting and then I realised it's all about YOU. When YOU don't like being hurt, YOU tell others to CHANGE for YOU. When a person says something back, YOU say SOMETHING to make YOURSELF HEARD because YOU THINK it's more 'politically correct' than YOUR pals.
It's all about YOU.
People say we change for our own good. True. I agree in a way. But for me, it has to come to the bottom place where IT'S ALL ABOUT YOU.
I was talking to a friend about the ex-friend who banned me on FB just because I said 'you hit jackpot' on her engagement photo. And then the few minutes later came the thunder of words: "I am marrying him not for the money. I marry him because I love him very much. Don't ever say that when you don't know me!"
Err.. yes, your bf then hubby is super rich who buys you stuff. Yes, your mutual friends and I did agree you are lucky to have such wealthy husband. But did my words ever indicated you are marrying him for the money? Jackpot carries various meanings in my context. She got this bf for a long long time... To have found someone you like who loves you back for what you are and having a harmony relationship isn't like hitting a jackpot?
Come on kid. Eat more walnuts. They are good for your brain. But actually my real meaning is she really is lucky to have married a wealthy husband.
And if you read the previous post... this was the example given to me that I am an asshole towards sensitive people that my words hurt her that I am poor in communication skills. Right.
It's ALL ABOUT YOU at the expense of my ego and pain so YOU can be EMBRACED by the SOCIETY.
Saturday. 10.29.16 9:10 am
I had a meeting with my international youth network members last weekend. We were early except for the host. He woke up late. He watched three movies the night before and dozed off. Right. he forgot about us.
Anyways, he was fumbling when setting up the projector and what not. Since we have Skype calls, we had to set up the skype over projector.
The moment he turned on his laptop, the first thing we saw was "Look at Patrick's BIG Dick." We went "OHHHHH, what?!". He fumbled even more to switching the browsers!
The lesson learnt was remember to 'wipe' the browsers before an event. That's what I do, always. I always make sure my browser or desktop has no 18sx items. HAHA.
Tuesday. 10.25.16 11:32 am
The only thing I wanna do now is not to do anything except to sleep and rest and not to see anyone.
I need a break. I need a spiritual break.
I keep feeling stupid whenever people don't reply my questions. I don't know why I am feeling like this.
I am given a task to write a press release. Being rusty, I just write whatever I can. It was not that great but better than nothing.. and my copywriter friend complaint that I didn't accept his offer when he wanted to teach me writing. At that time, I wanna learn so many things that I just did naturally what others have been telling me to do: FOCUS. Ok. I focus on others and I have been told off?
I am seeing another person who wanna teach me something but I somewhat turn down because I seriously am tired and don't have the capacity of energy to absorb the knowledge. I bet he will again criticise my choices.
What the fuck man. Give me a break.
All I feel now is my current job is a waste of my time. And everyday I just feel like getting out of there.
And I don't have anyone to share with this. I am so fucking tired.
Friday. 10.21.16 5:22 am
I received a long lecture from a friend about my complaint that friends are not talking to me anymore. His points are
1. I am too straightforward that my words hurt others.
2. My sense of humour is very mismatch. People don't get it.
3. I asked questions like a hawk that people don't like.
4. People here dislike my western oriented educated character.
These words hurt me very painfully.
He asked me to reflect on myself why friends of more than 5 years have ceased talking to me anymore. Or any amount of years. He wanted to me say the problem lies within myself. I do agree that we ourselves sometimes is the cause of the problems.
I knew somewhat myself has been not myself as of this year. Been overworked and underappreciated for coming 10 years has really taken a toll on me. Especially this year. So much of lending my ears n eyes to others that I myself have no where to express such concerns. Do they even appreciate me for being there for them?
I have been trying to be myself and yet I have been told that from the view of art of communication is not somethig allowed. I have to learn how others speak and then talk like them. Have I not known that? Yes, I know but I don't like the topic. Seriously. It is a waste of my time.
And then I realise perhaps people stop communicating with me perhaps
1. They have moved on.
2. They don't like me.
If the latter please don't ever come to me for help neither to listen to your sufferings. No. I am a tired person. I have enough.
So if they don't like me, why do I even want to spend time with them? No wonder people say pets are the best companions. They don't judge maybe because they need a sheltered life.
Yes, I can find new batch of friends but I am not really solving the problem. But what else can I do? I have lived a life that is merely following others and it does not work.
If like this, most of my friends should be deleted from my list.
He also said people would want to get near me because of the resources that I have. Yea, that is also the reason why friends have also stopped talking to me. I agree. Again, please don't find me back. I am very tired in this human shell.
If what I said is true and you cannot accept it isn't it your problem? I can change my straightforwardness whatsoever but the truth is the truth. How do you want to change the truth?
Tuesday. 10.18.16 9:07 pm
I am totally surprised that Chuck can sing so well!!! His voice is nice!!! I like this duet. So soothing.
Sunday. 10.2.16 10:46 am
It's been a long time I didn't update the blog.
I remember to update but it's just I have a lot of things personal that I cannot share. One of the things I perhaps can talk about is something repetitive. Anyways let's talk about something new.
I went to a nature retreat for the weekend for some training. The place is horrible. There was no shower room. The toilet cubicles have no lock. The chalet's door was broken. There was no light in the room. The stand lamp was covered with cob web. The roof was leaking and it leaked onto my roomie's pillow. There was a satin cloth hanging on the ceiling but it was torn so badly that it can just come down on us any time. The carpet was dirty. My feet was itchy. The pillow was horrible. The blanket was like not white. The cutlery was just left out in the nature with lots of dust.
It was dirty over whole.
I brought my own bed sheet so I was lucky. So how did I shower? I shower in the river. Some parents really don't know how to teach kids. They let their kids dunk into the river which extremely irritated me on the other end trying to shampoo my body.
I would never ever return to that chalet.
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