Books I have completed reading since January 2016:
1. The magician's land - Lev Grossman
2. The Rest Falls Away - Colleen Gleason
3. Wither - Lauren Destefano
4. Fever - Lauren Destefano
5. Sever - Lauren Destefano
6. High Stakes - Dick Francis
7. Kau kata dadaku adalah sebuah sajak - Finn Anuar
Friends and Enemies
Akatsuki: Nightmares & Dreamscapes
-beats in my head-
Chika-Chin's Anime Mania!
empty white space
In My World
My Blah blah Bulogu
My Little World
Sdovelly~ c'est la vie
Serene's Silent Secrets
Shuffle and Repear
Tolanic's Travel Blog
Sunday. 10.2.16 10:46 am
It's been a long time I didn't update the blog.
I remember to update but it's just I have a lot of things personal that I cannot share. One of the things I perhaps can talk about is something repetitive. Anyways let's talk about something new.
I went to a nature retreat for the weekend for some training. The place is horrible. There was no shower room. The toilet cubicles have no lock. The chalet's door was broken. There was no light in the room. The stand lamp was covered with cob web. The roof was leaking and it leaked onto my roomie's pillow. There was a satin cloth hanging on the ceiling but it was torn so badly that it can just come down on us any time. The carpet was dirty. My feet was itchy. The pillow was horrible. The blanket was like not white. The cutlery was just left out in the nature with lots of dust.
It was dirty over whole.
I brought my own bed sheet so I was lucky. So how did I shower? I shower in the river. Some parents really don't know how to teach kids. They let their kids dunk into the river which extremely irritated me on the other end trying to shampoo my body.
I would never ever return to that chalet.
Long time ago
Wednesday. 9.21.16 7:57 am
I suddenly remember how bad I failed at a voice over casting like 9 years ago.
I don't understand the character at all. I was immature and I just tried my luck. I forgotten my role was a cicada. But I didn't know what was cicada until I watched some anime.. Then I finally knew cicada makes high pitch tunes. But then it was too late.
But then I made friends with other failures too. HAHA. I am still keeping in touch with one of them. I have lost touched with the other who is a celebrity. I think he didn't go online on FB anymore.
I was thinking of going casting again and see where it will take me to.
It's time to have different experience in life!
Monday, September 19, 2016
Well it was my birthday yesterday and I was down with flu and slight cough.
But still I persisted with my feeling of dying to rest because I was matchmaking my friends on my birthday. I hope they will have a happy ending.
Why did not I match make myself? Because I never feel insecure being with myself. It would be great to have a life partner but I shall not compromise on the quality that I am looking for.
And yes a handsome guy from those anime/manga would be great but I know how to differentiate fantasy and reality. And no I don't chase after a fantasy love. Nor do I encourage anyone doing so because we live in the present. Nor do I want to 'joke' about a person's love life in a joking style because it's obviously does not sound a joke. That's a form of sabotage. Especially when the 'HAHA' is added. No. 1+1=2. Try rotating the 1s is still the same...
I can't get a life partner because I have too high standard? Ok, people should have thought whether they have previous relationships or not. If yes, why did the first relationship ended? Did not these people have high standard too? If 'simple' standard, should have had settled as in married within the first few days of the start of the relationship right?
Anyways, I am happy being myself! Happy birthday to myself!!
Happy news not so happy
Wednesday. 8.31.16 9:45 am
You see when you have happy news, you would just like to share with all selected friends right?
So do I. You just want to share that fucking happy news because you just wanna share your smile with those chosen ones regardless of the benefits.
So I did. And the response was upsetting. I was simply hurt because I just simply wanna share something happy.
Well, I got another sponsored trip to Japan again last week (I came back already) to chaperone a kid to attend an event in Hiroshima. I said yes to the opportunity for a working holiday again.
And I shared this news with my close confidante. I initially did not want because I know this person did not even go on holiday for a long time because he 'cannot' afford even though he is very rich. If I were to tell him this news, I know he will flip. And yes he did.
The first thing that came out in the chat was along the line "You don't seem to care about your future. I thought you wanted to save? So it is not your plan any more?" That hurts, my friend. Actually these were the words said.
I care about my future but I also care about my health. My stress level was so high that all I wanted was a breather. Am I not allowed to have one? You are fucking lucky to have a breather when you work freelance and you have all the necessary things ever ready for you daily and you don't even need to work for them - hard compare to other people your age. You got two maids to help you out and god knows who paid their salary and you got inheritance indirectly. You got the time in the world indirectly. And whenever I have the time, I am just damn fucking tired and all I want is to breathe normally. So do you even understand my situation?
No you don't. Don't even try. Because if you have tried, you would know the pain. I bet many people like you will just shrug and say 'luckily is not me'. That is why I said your cats are doing better than me.
The hurt is raw on my wounds. I kept reflecting. If I want to bring in God to the context, I would say God takes good care of me by giving me monetary in kinds. This is in turn translates into experience. I know this friend of mine resisted all temptations to go on holiday despite having the money to do so. I think that is why he finds it amusing that someone so much poorer than him is globetrotting at the expense of the future.
Well, it is clearly an opportunity cost for me. But I have also calculated the financial risk before going. And it is free, why not go?
Whatever it is, I realise we all have the freedom of choice to choose. It really depends on what we want in life. I chose experience over building wealth. Do I regret of this decision? I used to, a lot. I used to feel guilty after spending something on myself and then I will just beat up myself. Then I will start to compare myself with others like him and then demotivate myself. But this time I did not because such opportunity only comes once. Free stuff does not always come to me either. I got to hunt for them because things just do not fall from the sky. By the way, when I get something for free it is also a gesture of appreciation from the person who gives. You buy your friend a lunch because you want to because you appreciate her fucking existence.
My knowledge may not be on par as you but I am proud of my own experience. I have been to many countries. I have a lot of international friends. I have met an asian royal heir. I have done many things. So did you. You have also a lot of different experience than me too. So why the discrimination?
Yes I agree that it is weird for me to chaperone instead of the guardian. It is risky and dangerous. I seriously never thought of that. I only thought what a privilege job to bear the safety of the kid. All I saw was the positive side of the trip. Nothing more than that. To me it was common to hear participants get escorted to places which I had experienced before.
Anyways, again, my complaint here is it fun to instil fear until paralyses someone to move forward? I am trying my best to save for the future. Why not instead encourage me to save??
A friend of mine commented that he could have said it out of concern. I agree but I have also said that tone would not work instead it can drive depression people to increase their emotional instability. That is because his words from years ago could have driven me to suicide. And I have told him that already!
Anyways, cutting it short, just be happy for others. Sometimes don't discount on the opportunities that come our way.
Sunday. 8.14.16 5:59 am
I understand the trend now is people publicising their wedding dates on Facebook and then a gesture of invitation in their personal social circle.
I received a wedding news from a friend that our mutual couple friend are finally getting married after hitching for 5 years. But the news received was entirely from a general FB group page with no specific attention to. I am actually ok with attending but then I was kinda disappointed with the bride for not keeping in touch with the other mutual members. It was just the groom all day long when she was working here for a year or so. It was when she showed up for another mutual friend's wedding that we were all extremely surprised that she was here all along in the city working for an international company. We thought she has been flying into the country visiting the groom. Since there was no sincerity in keeping in touch with us, and then you want us to celebrate your wedding? Sounds funny.
My friends from other countries are already making trips here for their wedding and I said bluntly I am not interested to attend. Why? I am still a traditional person where you should tell me in the whatsapp group whatsoever that you are getting married.
I have outgrown invitations from not being invited to reunions whatsoever to not invited sincerely... I am pretty sure my presence is not significant at all in those events. So why should I even go? Worse of all increases my expenses just for your event when I am not even appreciated?
Oh well, no matter what it hurts like hell when I don't receive invitations but then it's nothing compare to the pain of a gnawing pocket.
I shall play barbie doll at home during those events.
Friday. 7.29.16 11:56 am
I am really hurt by the words said by a friend today and some friends for the past few days. All I could feel was hurt. Ego hurt and pure fear overwhelming me.
I am very tired.
I am also tired of how much you are putting effort into your own life and then comes someone who just threw words at you that said you are not going all out to be in the corporate world when you can do so much more than your current job. I didn't wake up in the morning, honey, just to let you attack me from nowhere. I do know well I have excuses. Instead of telling me it's all excuses, why not try to help me to get out of these excuses and guide me? How effective you coming at me, pointing at me, calling me I am a lazy girl, would help me get out of my shell? Don't give me the excuse that I am a strong girl that your friggin' scolding would shake up my world. It doesn't, honey. You have just made more withdrawn into my world and don't ever want to see any more of you.
If you don't understand me, don't try to scold me. I am overwhelmed with fear that I am trying my best to get out of it. So if you don't want to help me, so fuck off. Don't tell me it's something I have to do it myself therefore you got to stay out of it. Yea. Stay the fuck out of my way from the beginning not after you told me off for some time and then apologise. When I said I am fine it does not mean I am truly fine and a signal of a permission for you to continue your berate just because you feel it will benefit me.
Fucktard. You don't know how much energy I spent in helping others therefore don't say I am super lazy and have so much excuses in not working in a corporate world. If you are so much superior than me, you should have continue to stay wherever you are and not tell your principal to pack their bags and fire every damn staff in the company. You should have stay and fight in the name of turn over the company. That's what you are paid for. You took the easy way out by closing the company. And didn't I even berate you on that? These staff rely on you to lead them to greater heights. They have a family to feed. Have you thought of them when you decided to pack? Every entrepreneur I met kept sharing with me they have to continue to fight because they are not only responsible for their staff only but also for their staff family. Imagine the pressure? And you packed the bags?! The only comfort words I have given to you were 'you are doing what you think you are right.' Because it is true. I am not in your shoes when you have to make that super hard decision. It was the best decision you could make at that time. I didn't judge you so why did you on me?
Many people have told me to suck it up when I said I wanna quit on my studies. I know I made the wrong decision to continue to study at one of the top private universities here. I know it was a mistake to even paid fully. I did so just to tell myself that I have to do it since I paid. I trapped myself. In the end I didn't because it was against my own self. Why? Because it was freaking boring. Because the topic was on a topic that I am not comfy with to begin with. Why did I even sign up for it?! Because I wanted a new challenge. Because I believed in my ex-colleague who said this program would be a breeze for me. Because I gave away my power to think fully to others simply because the university I was in is also world top uni. Wrong. I hated the rigid of the structure. I hated to be told I cannot think like that. I hated to be told my topic is not accepted because it was something new and the lecturers are not risk takers. And all I wanted to was to study. To write freely. To write a story from within. Cannot... it's always cannot. I tried to be creative within the limits but I felt like creativity is not welcomed. Is this how we got tamed? So our brains are easier to be marketed to the corporations? The creativity has to be tailored for the corporations.... because creativity of the individual students are commodity which can be sold with a price tag. And my creativity has no price tag because it has no value worth. And all I wanted is to study. I have two supervisors who were talked into supervising me. They were not enthusiastic in teaching me. I don't learn from them. I can't even communicate with them! I tried changing myself because I think I need to be changed! Yes, my ego could be lowered! But what do I get?! Disappointment!
Yea suck it up, renaye! You are just being a loser for quitting! Yea, go ahead and be a hooker when you don't have the money! Why not, loser?! But you got no money! So you got no choice! Be a hooker! Why not?! Just because it's against your belief? Because you don't feel comfortable?! So you decline? So did I. Damn you.
Damn you and others. Why can't you be more compassionate? Remember the times how I talked to you. Remember the times renaye tried to tell you something diplomatically when that's not her style at all. Remember the times renaye has lent you her ears and eyes at her own expense. Remember!
Remember, renaye sometimes needs to borrow eyes and ears too. If you cannot do her back the favour, please leave her alone.
Renaye needs help more than scolding. I have enough.
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