Speak to My Finger

I never expected to have a heart palpitation at 0100.

i though i would be fine if my mother asked me for some help, because i want to keep the peace between us. so sometimes sucking it up is the best way to tolerate it. tolerate is the best word fit, i'm not making room to let this pain to go through me as though i'm transparent. she's just not worth it.

so i never expected how my body remembers the trauma. and i thought i have overcome the fear or whatever the reactions i used to develop whenever she asked me for help.

at 0030, she received a phone call, and then came into my room - because i am still up studying - and asked if i could help her out to apply china visa for in the next few hours because she and her friends would like to get it done concurrently. upon hearing the requests, my body suddenly felt the tingling sensation, like my fingers left me... floating into thin air, and what i'm feeling is some phantom fingers moving... and then my heart sudden beat 100 times more than usual. suddenly just speed up that my internal ears could not catch up with it.

in my head, i tried to investigate what's going on... it's just a small matter.. i have done this before .. i have helped her before but each time i helped her i know i was tolerating the yucky feeling of helping her. because i'm totally triggered by her. when i was younger, she always called me stupid... so stupid that you better be a prostitute. this remark ingrained in me since i was before 6 years old. i was beaten into a pulp on my 10th birthday just because i was the 4th girl in class. she stopped beating me physically with some insults because my auntie called in to wish birthday, and was wondering why i was tearing on the phone, until i said she is beating me for being 4th in class. only then she stopped because she forgot it was my birthday. so my birthday saved me? did it? should i be happy i was born on that date she was beating me in order to soothe her ego and face?

reading works on childhood trauma really sometimes open up my wounds...

anyways, i remember mentioning to her before TO NEVER ASK ME FOR HELP WHEN COMES TO IT, because she likes to disguise 'teach me' with DO EVERYTHING FOR ME COZ I'M NOT GONNA LEARN, AND IF U DON'T I'M GONNA SHRED U WITH GUILT, SHAME... and i don't know how many times i have been traumatised by those kinds of episodes before. until i realised she didn't bother to learn, she just wants someone to do it for her. and then i confront her that she is not learning, then she would make the case that i'm against her, whatever shit she can use against me.

my mother is a full package of a narcissist, gaslighter, manipulator and the whole load of that... psycho path? a borderline, i think, coz i saw how she felt 'better' after beating me ... or how she berated me not to give any jobs to her competitor with crocordile tears, and then SMILED right after I gave in.. and how she took pleasure in seeing her children giving in to her demands.

I CANNOT TAKE IT ANYMORE.

What does she see in me? I would never know, and don't want to know. I just pray that she don't come and visit me when she dies. I shall tell my guides not to let her come near me in spirit form. I don't want such vile person to see me in spirit. in fact, i want her to stew herself in all those realisation of the pain she causes in others. i learnt that when we die... we then reflect on the last life we had, including all the pain.. bla bla bla... it hurts so much that u feel like everything anything all at once passes through u. yup.... my mediumship teacher said that to me when she mediated a session for me with my deceased father. up to u to believe. i'm not here to debate whatsoever.

and so.. i feel sorry for my sister who is now taking on the brunt of her demands. the last time my sister tried to be assertive on certain things, my mother crushed it with verbal violence that i felt so sorry for my sister to bear it. from the outside, i could see how resilient my sister was in withstanding the violence verbally and distant physically... well my mother was screaming at the top of her lungs how cruel, vile, evil, my sister was for not doing something that she wanted, and then guilt tripping her with how she has taken care of us.. her children is just a piece of shit.... useless, worthless of her care.. if that's the case we should just continue to be a piece of shit right? whatever i do is just a piece of shit right? then why should i even bother to help u? trying to manipulate me to soothe or to give into ur demand? is this some kind of a competition to see who is the cruelest here? everyone has a role to play, but i'm trying to survive here. hurt is hurt. pain is pain. i'm resilient, but there's a threshold, and i have already pushed this threshold to the highest ceiling, and i cannot push this any more.

this is why my body is reacting with tremors... and i feel like crying... i feel like i regressed being a child again... helpless of not able to protect myself from such violent barrages. the only way to protect myself is to give in, is to fulfill her demands. to what end?

do u know what was running in my head when she asked me if i could help? the reply i was ready to tell her "I'M SORRY I CANNOT HELP YOU. YOUR REQUEST IS OPENING UP MY WOUNDS WHERE U HAVE BEATEN ME UP VIOLENTLY FOR NOT BEING ABLE TO FULFIL UR REQUEST (BEING THE FIRST GIRL IN CLASS).. I CANNOT TOLERATE THIS PAIN ANYMORE. PLS ASK SOMEONE ELSE TO HELP U."

if she wanna scream like how she did to my sis, go ahead... because i want to add on "IF I HAVE A CHOICE CHOOSING BETWEEN DEATH AND HELPING U, I CHOOSE DEATH OVER AND OVER AGAIN." that is how severe my trauma is if triggered, like right now.

she withheld her love when we r good, that is being the good that she wishes us to be. why do i always argue with her? because i have a lot of pain caused by her seeping out of me, yet i have to withhold as much as i can in order to survive.

i'm almost 40. what a joke this is to be afraid of such innocent request. but u know what? the inner child remembers all memories that hurt us, and would react in the name of defense or reminder THAT's ENOUGH.

do u know what trauma is? traumatic events that become memories on autoplay mode in our head. that's because part of the brain that's in charge of processing all events into memories are jammed with cortisol, the stress cells, from doing its job. thus, the traumatic events didn't get to be processed.

and my mother one time screamed at our house front entrance that she would made my life hell. and u know what i replied? LIVING WITH U IS ALREADY HELL.

isn't it? i have trauma replaying in my head whether i like it or not, and everyday is a battle to let it be like watching cars moving without chasing after them. this always happens whenever i'm idle, or i would be recalling some events where i didn't get to protect myself and strategise how i can protect myself in the future should this event be repeated. u see how tired i am, and what a waste of time, when i can use this energy and brain cells to think to plan my future. and yes, i always have to redirect my attention to more productive stuff.

a week before chinese new year, my mother n i had a scene in a huge mall. she went screaming at me for being a shithead telling her to line up behind me simply because many people just let their family members jump queue. and she said i should do the same thing to do. but i didn't. because what's wrong with lining up? it's a good way to waste time other than loitering at the front entrance because the crew only allowed people lining up to enter the queue.

nope. she made a scene. she has a knack to create a scene victimising herself. and the setting was so interesting. it was amongst the heavy line-ups with other shoppers. and the young shopper behind us was like 'aiya... family members dont need to like up.. just jump the queue la.. aiya... no big deal..' he was just being nice.

and what i did? i jumped in and shouted at her back. u think i would give face? i have had enough of her trying to shame me in public with verbal abuse and physical violence. she loves doing that, and then she would boast it to her friends. she did that, especially on physical violence, during my childhood, and often with a triumph tone. that's why i said she's a psychopath. she takes pleasure in hurting others? i remember some friends felt sorry for her children, and then asked us back what did we do to trigger such wraith. did they just validate her rights to abuse me verbally and physically? i remember crying in front of them. yea. what did i do to deserve such public shaming. by just being myself? by just honoring my own emotions? u beat me because u cannot handle emotions? and that's the child's fault for making u uncomfortable? read that previous sentence again.

so what am i gonna do with that request if she persists? my body will break down from the forgotten memory that causes my body to tremble. telling her than i'd choose death over helping her might soothe me and please me, but would incur a woman's wrath. i don't know maybe i will ask her back if she were in my situation, what she would do.

and i already know. she would put the spotlight on herself as the victim, who has already done her best in raising two kids with all she has. correct u have done ur best... but u never see us for how we r, u care for us, but we don't feel ur care nor love sincerely. there's always something u want to trade with ur children for ur care and love. and when u didn't get what u want, that's where the beatings come in.

if i feel like dying again if she persists with her request, then i would have to talk to a therapist on an emergency mode before i scratch my throat out. yup. that's how i hurt myself or suicidal ideation.

u just don't know how much strength anyone who has such tendency to stop themselves from giving in to their pain fantasy.