Speak to My Finger

The quote that states that we want to be soothed by the people who hurt us rings truth. I'm experiencing it. I notice I express my hurt back at the person who hurt me, because I want him/her to own the events or the hurt that caused me hurt.

I'm not wearing my trauma as a badge of honour, but I can't help telling to others, because I thought by saying it repetitively, it would go away, and it doesn't. The more I say, the more the memory becomes active, and I got loop in a traumatising memory. If possible, I want it to rest for good, because it's tiring for my mind to stay on fight or flight mode all the time. My adrenaline is always high to protect myself even though I'm in a safe moment. It doesn't matter where I am, I have so many thoughts playing some things over and over again, so I can strategise what I can do to protect myself since I was a child. It becomes a habit. If a behavioural is learned, then it can be unlearned too, but it's difficult for me.

I'm trying, but as I read more on psychology stuff, it triggers a lot of things inside me. The more I read, the more I want these undead to stay dead. I don't need them to be awakened every now and then. Maybe I should stop lying to myself that hurt is hurt, and I need to acknowledge the depth of my hurt. I have to acknowledge that staying together with the cause of my hurt is not wise. I may be able to withstand most of the time, but let's get real.

There's a price to pay, which is the wound cannot be heal. I need time to be away from seeing the face that caused me hurt on daily basis.

So what's your plan now, renaye? No idea for now. I have always wanted to stay some time in Japan, to experience life like a local. I'm having headache on the money since everything has gone up. If I'm serious, then I would find a way, right? There's no point of waiting of who dies first now. I still have dreams to achieve. That's more productive than waiting for each other to die first to extinguish this suffering.

I provoked a quarrel with my mother, not because I wanted to create something similar, meaning I'm used to having quarrels in the home, so having peace for a long stretch could create discomfort in me, because that's not what I grew up to. I highlighted that she is not independent in doing things, and she likes to wait for her children or someone to accompany her.

As I get older, I realised I cannot and don't want to tolerate anymore the feelings that emerge when I accompany her to do things. It's not easy you know to fight those demons. Because when I was younger, I'm scared of my mother for beating me up... and now in my adulthood, I don't know what that feeling has morphed into. Maybe it has become some kind of monster inside me that I could no longer recognise anymore. All I want is to get rid of these feelings, which I could not even label other than great discomfort, where I would want to fly at the second I feel it coming.

I was ingrained that I was never good enough. Whatever I do was never good enough for my mother, and even father. There's always an expectation that I could never meet, an appraisal without the fine details to achieve. I was a real blind sailor in the sea, who has been told that the stars in the sky didn't exist. I spent my whole life to chase after some ghost expectations, which I don't even what the fuck is that expectation. Get married? Ok... I see my sister found 3 boyfriends, and they never satisfy my mother at all. The last one was truly sad, because my mother kept calling the guy 'old man.' Poor thing. Another time my friend commented if she was selling off her daughter to the highest bidder, because I labeled her boyfriends by their wealth. It hit me how I was trained to see their wealth instead if they have been kind to my sister. Me? My mother went wailing, and wailing in the car when I was 13 how suffering she was with my father, while reminding us again, and again, like a broken player not to find a guy like him. Because she kept pressing us... for something which I don't remember, like checking on us if we understand what she was talking, I decided there and then that "I promised I'd never married." Do you know that I'm keeping that promise mentally and emotionally until today? That's a very sarcastic way to put the blame on others, but yea, do you know how that feels when you allow yourself hold hostage of yourself because I wanted to make someone happy in that moment, which cost me my whole life of suffering? What does that moment say about us in the car at that time? My mother was truly suffering, and she parentified me and my sister, because it's not our job to listen to parent woes, much less to take care of how she feels from our reactions, because that would limit us to be our true self. What's wrong with that? Imagine you're gifted in cooking, but because your mother doesn't like, she forbid you from doing so. Each time you do, she burns your hand, but the physical scar heals so perfectly fine that people don't believe that you had scars before, but you remember the pain mentally, and emotionally so ... to not have that pain again, you either totally avoid cooking totally or do it quietly behind her back, hoping you don't get punished again. Forget about the movies/drama you watch that there's an acceptance at the end. No, there isn't either from your family or friends.

Because your experience would then teach you that you have to be so strong to support yourself, which is what I'm doing now. I've become so cranky because I have reached my threshold over again and again, despite increasing the level so many times. It's tiring... when can I rest? When I die? This threshold is not about pushing how far I can go to maximise my talents, it's about how much I can tolerate the fight or flight after calculating the cause and effect of my interactions/actions involving my mother. I need to manage myself so I can manage my mother's mood. It's like I'm arranging a playlist in her so she is doped with dopamine. I don't have a break from doing it.

My sister has moved out for the third year. We don't even know where she works and lives. Haha. Not joking. But still, she could not escape from the clutches of my mother. Frequently, my sister has to come home to do her biddings, which is extremely no brainer, like to do bills. If don't do her biddings, my mother would guilt-trip like just now: She wailed how much of life she has sacrificed to take care of us, that we, children, now cannot even help out with such small things. Because she is guilt-tripping me, it opens back the wounds I experienced when I was younger where I was beaten for not meeting an expectation, like for getting 4th in class instead 1st, or being called stupid all the time for not being able to do anything right or good. If you were so smart, then doing things on your own is fine right?

How do you expect a 13 year old child to regulate her emotions when she listens to your suffering about being accused as a cheater, while she has to cope with her own sufferings caused by you and her father, and her life, where on and off she regretted for not committing suicide at 12 for not 'passing' the major exams like how you wanted. She has to bear your shame for going to some infamous school as a consequence.

Looking back at my memories, I had some incidents that cause me goosebumps because if I had indulge in them, I could have excessive daydreaming, or split personality so I could confront daily bully from my mother.

I'm talking about the story of my triggers, and my reactions, but my mother fails to acknowledge that she is the trigger no matter how many years have passed. Because I have to manage myself, I must analyse all factors until sometimes I don't know what is real and true due to the stories I tell myself to soothe myself... The stories that keep me moving forward, to not stop giving up in life. Do you think it's easy to do? These stories keep me alive and safe, and now they are not effective anymore, and I need to change them that's aligned to reality. That's the most painful part. It's not because I cannot part it, it's because I didn't realise I have stood so strong for myself to survive. How the hell did I even survive those violence? I don't remember how to be vulnerable anymore, and that's the number one rule to survive with a violent and manipulative family is to never be vulnerable, because you would be the easy prey to taunt with.

My mother didn't want to see the triggers, and all she is seeing is my reactions. And that pains me a lot, because all I wanted is her accountability that she CAUSED me a lot of pain that I don't know how to manage my pain anymore, like my wall is not high anymore to contain the pain that it keeps overspilling to the greens outside the wall.

Did my trauma and unhealed wounds the cause of my current additional illnesses? I have thyroid issues, which is obviously a trauma illness. Why? Because I cannot express anything emotionally to my parents, because I don't matter. However, they cane express anything on my emotionally and physically. It's a one way street. I suffer a lot from being silenced. What happens if a pot cannot contains the hot gas inside it, and yet I have to contain my emotions despite my body is on fire?

You would never understand the pain I'm having now caused by my mother. This is the variation from my mother's words: You'd never understand the pain caused by your father. Yes, I would never understand that pain, because I'm not his wife. But I'm your daughter who is suffering the consequences of your actions, thoughts, feelings.

You said why I always criticise about you. Isn't this familiar? You always criticise me when I was younger until I dare not share anything with you. Everything I did/said is to protect myself from your wrath and beatings. You keep on reminding me that not serving you would entail bad karma... look who's speaking now? Your friends bully you, scold you, and you dare not answer back? But it's ok to express it on children just so you can feel powerful for some seconds? Who's the real evil here?

All I want is my pain to be acknowledged by her, which I would never had. I don't know how to soothe myself about that. All I can do is to allow myself to cry a river... to cry about the roads not taken. What if I had a marriage? What if I had moved out and cut ties with the family more than a decade ago? What if I had become an escort to support myself at night? What if I had killed myself when I was 24?

Be kind to others because you don't know what they are going through at the moment.

For a fleeting moment, I could feel there are some parts of my experiences can be an inspiration for stories, but I'm not in the mood to tune into it, because I would be then busy thinking how to manage the aftermath of the quarrel. I know she will act like a victim when I tell her she could follow me to my university area for some government matters, which is the content of the quarrel actually.

Don't tell me what I should do, because many of the replies are always telling me what to do, instead of acknowledging the pain and the trauma I have. If like this, then having a shark chasing, and biting you every second should be fine, right? And yea.. you cannot do anything to it, no removal whatsoever. Just let it bite you till you dry, it's alright, isn't it? If not, why not? Shark's bite is not painful, it's just your imagination.

It's the memories of the past or future that give me suffering, it's not the present, but I'm so stuck in these memories because they are the ones who fill in the gap of what happened so I could survive. And now I need to soothe myself, and I don't know how.

Just let your heart run wild sometimes 'coz you have a zoo of emotions.