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Speak to My Finger
Meowing WAR





Books
Books I have completed reading since January 2016:

1. The magician's land - Lev Grossman
2. The Rest Falls Away - Colleen Gleason
3. Wither - Lauren Destefano
4. Fever - Lauren Destefano
5. Sever - Lauren Destefano
6. High Stakes - Dick Francis
7. Kau kata dadaku adalah sebuah sajak - Finn Anuar
New Year
Wednesday. 1.8.14 9:08 am
I am spending my new year holiday in a foreign land, and I am quite looking forward to it because I am also meeting up with my friends whom I have not seen for over 2 years particularly one person. I thought he and I will be having some quality time together but he invited someone else to come along.

Sigh.

I thought the ice cream is just reserverd for you and me only? Three is a crowd, hun.

I guess things happen for a reason. I still love him. I think that's why I just wanna spend time alone with him, but he thinks differently.

Don't tell me to confess because he knows and I am just thinking as friends.

What turns me down most is I cannot travel alone when I am in the country because it is not safe for foreigners. In fact, so many friends told me to just burn the ticket. Gosh. As if Kuala Lumpur is that safe either.

You know what? Might as well as I don't see him to prevent my head from spinning. I have already taken up a lot of energy to forget him. I don't need to see his face just to check if the wounds will be open. It will definitely open because it is still hurt to think that someone left the whole thing dangling in mid-sentences.

I am not like my girlfriends who actually flew from their respective countries to see him to seek an explanation over their relationship. Maybe that will give peace to my heart for good.

But sometimes it may just be best to leave where the person once love us in our memories...

Holiday here I come.

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Gift ruin
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Tell me what do you guys think of this plate. Is it too ugly to be given as gift?



My department organised a potluck cum gift exchange today, and yesterday was a devastating day for me.

The budget for the gift is USD 7.50 and we were supposed to buy in group in a nearby shopping mall but I know I could do better so I asked the chairperson if I could just buy elsewhere and she said it's not a problem as long as the gift is within the budget, and I just have to declare what my gift is and its price before wrapping.

And so I passed my gift to my colleague who took it to the chairperson, and then the ladies in my department gathered hush-hush in the chair's room. I could see the manager holding my gift with a serious look from outside the door window. As I was passing by, she called me in.

Majority of the staff were in the room. Wow. This is so happening.

She neared me and said "Hey, this plate doesn't look like worth RM22. Can you buy a new gift?" with a mild disgusted expression.

I crinkled. "There's a price tag down there ma..."

"I don't like your gift. Please buy a new one." Suddenly the chairperson said from her chair with her blackened face. (I think she even lifted her finger to accompany that gesture. I was just suddenly thrown into confusion.)

"But I bought this from Bangsar and it's from a Germany brand. I think it's practical because you can use it as a plate and decorative item."

"But we don't like your gift. Please buy a new one." She echoed.

"I don't have budget."

Then one of the colleagues showed two items that they were looking for. One huge photoframe and the other is a salt holder. They wanted something BIG and NICE.

Ah.

Being hurt (very raw), I hurled back "What? I don't want a photoframe? Is that practical in the digital age?"

The colleague who showed me the items then replied "Then you don't join the gift exchange la."

The manager beside me was kinda torn but she surrendered to the situation.

"OK. I don't join. I don't join tomorrow's eating session also!"

The chair "Like this ah? Then we don't have any gathering anymore" with a disgusted face.

The manager "Don't be like that la. Let's settle it now... So you are ok not to join the gift exchange?"

I studied her expression and decided to give her face. "Yea."

I was so hurt and I really wanted to talk to someone about it... Imagine containing the sadness in the heart and I was able to be myself during a meeting after we exchange those hurtful words.

I did pour my heart content to someone and the first word came out was 'rude' followed by 'ungrateful.' I'm not trying to get people's sympathy. I was just trying to pour out my sadness and reflect what went wrong... I just simply need a non-judgmental listener.

I kept playing the reel the whole day even during the supermarket shopping for the potluck...

When I came home, the hurt didn't decrease a bit even. So I told my family about it, and decided to make the salad without presenting myself. But mum shot back "What's the point?"

Yea. What's the point in that?

I called up the manager in the evening to withdrawal and she sent me a text. First glance was enough to make my heart further plunge. I'm very traumatised with the word 'team.' Don't go telling me about 'my team'.

So the next morning which is today... she asked to see me. The damage further plunged and I was teary. My voice cracked. The first thing she said to me was the same thing she wrote in the sms. Again and Again.

Before that, she showed who's the boss. God. I just said openly "Why some people don't use their brain before talking." And I wasn't even referring to any colleagues just general people.

And she shot me? "How dare you use such harsh words? You are talking to a manager!"

Oh how lovely. You are squirming in front of someone who hits bulleyes?

She kept repeating the same sms message. And I was cringing. Are we not in the team to begin with? So why kept mentioning 'my team'? Just because I don't report to you? But in the same department? Oh come on. Be more open minded.

There were lot of exchanges and then the best part was "You hurt them by saying their gifts are not practical."

So.. I hurt them. So who the hell hurt me?

Another best part of all, no one is talking to me since yesterday. Oh great. Speaking of professionalism.

I'm moving on.

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Game over
Sunday. 12.29.13 11:29 am
It's game over, Mr Gingerbread. You are powerless against my teeth strength.

Sigh. How fast Xmas flew...



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Arranged marriage
Saturday, December 21, 2013
Definitely not me!

My foreign friends came to Malaysia for the festive holidays and we exchanged lots of interesting gossips and updates and one of them is on arranged marriage.

Apparently one of my friends is trying to avoid that by plunging himself into studies. I was listening to with great curiosity but at the same time I have a pang of pity for him. How does it feel to be marrying someone you don't love at the beginning? I know some people found love through marriage but what if luck is not on your side?

I once dreamed myself in an arranged marriage and apparently I was upset that the deal didn't go through. HAHA. But it was just a dream...

For my friend, it's death do him apart. My heart goes out to him...

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Life's a coffee
Tuesday. 12.17.13 2:52 am
It has been ages since I hang out at a cafe not mentioning hunting for good food or cafe, which I used to do in the past with friends. I guess I grew out of it when my circle of friends shrink to myself... And also not mentioning the medication I am on does not allow me to eat such food.

Anyways, taking advantage of my friend's presence for the weekend, I did some homework and brought him to one of the cafes recommended by bloggers in the Chinatown area. This cafe is so hidden well!

Can you find the cafe when you are on this street?



I was with my GPS and I was so dumbstruck that me and the destination is so close and yet could not locate.

I love Cafe Amo's interior and it will be something I would bring friends to support because it is tugged in a historical building and the frontal is to support the heritage of the stre"et. It is very aligned with my personal cause for support.

And...the hot choclate is so yum... So is the oreo cheesecake. They used milk from Australia... No wonder so yum!



I really enjoyed my time in the cafe and it was like a family outing for the owner as his family members were helping too. His staff played the guitar casually too... So it's pretty cool. :-)

Later for dinner, I took my friend to an award winning (by populist vote) cafe located nearby to KLCC here. It was a new building and the name is so Russian... Troika.



They have nice ambience but the service was quite poor. The first thing a server needs to do is to provide drinking water... And I lose patience by helping out myself fishing a bottle of water from their counter.

The food is pretty so-so and nothing to shout about. I guess people frequent there purely for the ambience... But I don't really like the sitting arrangement. It is small and kinda cramped. We were wedged between two other individual tables and both sides can hear our conversation... No privacy...

I ordered the brownie which was memorable!

Anyways, I yed my outing to Cafe Amo in Petaling street area and Acme Bar n Coffee in Troika despite a few setbacks. What was there not to enjoy when all the food were paid by my friend? :-)

As the saying goes, I will always be a tourist in my own homeland...

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December 14
Saturday. 12.14.13 10:14 am
Hmm... Let's do a haibun based on one of my memories regarding today starting with ...

2011...

It was one of the coldest nights I have had endured in my whole life. I thought the wet winter in New Zealand is already extremely cold but here... on the ship is deadlier with the ship moving at full force. I tried wrapping my knees with my arms but I was so cold that I should have just brought along my beanie but I decided not to because I wanna spend more time with a friend.

beanie
I wanna take you
but I chose him instead

We sat on a bench and ... I had so many things to share from my heart but the wind was not interested to listen nor carry the message. I looked at my friend from behind and knew whatever my heart has to say would never left the heart...

full moon
the only listener
of my racing heartbeat

So we looked up the sky and enjoy the full moon peeking on us from behind a huge black cloud. I leaned on the wall and continued to look at his back and had the urge to bundle him because he looks so lonely... and small. His back reminded me a lot of a lyric I wrote some time ago. It totally described the whole situation we were in ...

full moon
in the mist
- rubbing shoulder to shoulder

My heart continued to race because I wanna pick up our conversation where we had left before our good ol' friend joined us with his instant noodle cup. I wanna hear what you have to say!

love at first sight
you say
i blushed

I looked at the moon again and asked myself if I wanna leave my confession as it is... Will I regret later?

Full moon
do you ever
regret rising?

Suddenly the skies were filled with shooting stars! Like every girl, I tried making a wish and... what a failure... I could not finish my sentence with three passing shooting stars... no wonder there are always millions so you can finish your sentence!

Shooting star!
May you rain forever!
so my wish never runs dry!

Shooting star!
Don't run!
Don't let this moment fly away!

If only we could sit side by side very much longer! But the cold was just too unkind to us... so we decided to seek warmth...

Warm, cold, only love has such extreme temperatures...

This memory was still so clear even though a year has passed ...

and in 2012 ...

I wrote him a haiku to commemorate that day and I don't remember what I have written. I have actually been keeping that haiku in my head since April. It's amazing how easily I have forgotten it now.

April to December
waiting
for 14 December

And as usual, my messages went unanswered. I wonder deeply what he thinks of a girl that writes poetry for him. Or rather am I being plain stupid for putting so much effort in keeping in touch with a friend who makes less effort?

Full moon
still behind the clouds
laughing at my innocence?

But December was also an important month for me because I asked myself how long do I want keep moving on like a zombie... Why bother a guy who stays silent on this matter for almost a year? Or is it my email is not succinctly enough about this matter? Or is he just laughing at me and our friendship?

full moon
my only witness
to my tears ...

Anyways forwarding to 2013...

My heart started to wane because I really have to move on. Moreover, my tiredness has been increasing over the past year. My health is too fragile to handle this heartbreak. And so I distracted myself with work ...

Full moon
replaced by sun rays
- new goals

My feelings for him started to ease and then I have totally forgotten about him until one day... the intense feelings I used to have for him came back to haunt me. I thought I have finally released him from my heart but it didn't. It was just half past six. The feelings were still wrapping around my heart like a vine but a forgotten one... It was a ticking bomb actually.

yesterday memories
came back
without invitation

The feelings drove me insane... and I did the impossible: burning the ties between me and him. I never thought I would come down to this stage whence I have considered doing this seriously in 2012 because I could feel him all the time despite being separated geographically. You found me because of the bridge you have established with me aeons, but this is also the very bridge I must burn to stay sane. I chose sanity over you.

sanity or love?
the world
of insanity ...

I met your guardian angel or your old soul who lent a helping hand. He forewarned if I were to burn the bridge you won't be able to find me again in the future. I could feel the fear surging in him as we speak... and so we made an agreement that I will only burn the bridges not the mouth. Why did I even seek help from your guardian? It is because I could not burn your bridge to mine. I have dissolved the bridge from my end to yours but yours to mine kept coming back after imaging pouring acid onto your bridge. It won't go away!

Burning bridge
You walked
And survived...

With your guardian's help, I was able to dissolve it for good and he has given me a message and the reason of your existence in my life. I also told him that our connection is strong enough for him to locate me without having the bridge. He has to trust himself... The guardian smiled and disappeared...

Connected
Between you and me
A bridge made aeons ago...

I told myself that no matter I will always love him and whatever I have gone through because of him happened for a reason. For that, I thank you even though it was not a reciprocal love. I will move on...

Love
Saved for
The past

For now, I will still remember the events behind 14 December, perhaps not for long... I will open my heart to love someone else too other than you...

Full moon, full moon
Come out
And play with me!

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