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Speak to My Finger
Meowing WAR

Books I have completed reading since January 2018:

1. No Man's Nightingale - Ruth Rendell
2. One Day - David Nicholls
3. The Door - Margaret Atwood
Sunday. 10.22.17 1:01 am
I went to Singapore for the weekend for 3 days. It was my birthday gift, actually.

The trip was supposed to be sponsored by a friend of mine but he withdrew simply because I want to meet our mutual friends on the second day. He demanded to meet them instead on the first day but I have already arranged to meet my personal friends. Initially, he wanted to accompany me the moment I land until the the time I fly off. That idea freaked me out. I was already suffocating from the lack of me-time and to have someone to be with me all the time will drown me. That was why I actually asked that I will be on my own on the first day and then meet up with him on the second and third day. I suggested we check out food in Singapore. At the same time, I also contacted our mutual friend to meet up who can only meet up on either the second or third day. And I said I am flexible. Hey, it's a holiday! So when I informed the sponsor about meeting our mutual friend on the second day. He gave me the ultimatum to either stick to my words to hunt food for him or to meet our mutual friend on the first day. Otherwise, he will keep his money.

I hate people threatening me. Before going to SG, I have also considered whether if I really want to be sponsored due to the terms and conditions. Thank god I didn't choose the Marina Bay Sands... haha otherwise I would have to give in to the sponsorship but then if I really love myself screw the funding. Since he has given me the ultimatum, I decided to sponsor myself and that gave me a relief of freedom. How nice it is to be able to go anywhere I want in Singapore on my own! So he just thanked me. I thanked him too for making myself to have me-time. Otherwise, I would still be in my room going crazy every minute monologu-ing that if only I can go for a holiday.

Why Singapore? No idea. I just feel like it. I know it's expensive but sometimes I just have to follow my hunch. Actually, I just spent SGD 130 for 3 days on food and a ticket to the Night Zoo.Yup! My other SG friends bought me food. Really appreciate that gesture.

That sponsor asked me if I were free to meet up but I just declined even though I can meet up our mutual friend together with him. With the ultimatum, I find it meaningless to catch up with him.What are we going to talk if we were to meet up? Listen to him snickering at me for holidaying in SG despite not having money and waiting for me to beg him to sponsor me? I have dignity and also I learn a great lesson: Sometimes we need to spend on ourself. Another lesson is... sometimes cannot be too kind-hearted.

This is the second time I have been threatened by him. And so why do I even still talk to him? Wait, I actually have not spoken to him for 2 years since the first threat.

Oh well, now will be for a very long time.

Sometimes it is best to be nice to everyone. This trip is supposed to be a birthday gift for me. If that so, then be sincere in gifting. I don't see how I am breaking my words for not hunting food with him. He wanted to be with me as early as 1000 until 2300. Meeting up with our mutual friend for just 2 hours out of that 13 hours is not too much to ask right? Oh well, a gift with T&C. I should know that too well.

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Tuesday. 10.17.17 2:54 pm
Life is shitty today but the good news is the two videos that I am in have been released. However, I am going to share one first in which I helped my friend to be his sidekick. Oh well, this video is done very artistically in my point of view la. Happy watching. Oh I appear in the second section.

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Brr... confusing focus
Wednesday. 9.27.17 12:08 am
I had a great birthday blast. I was well-fed the whole week which I really like it.

The last streak of my birthday dinner was with a friend who had said the darnedest thing to me that is 'don't go for auditions because you won't be chosen'. I will always remember that sentence. But anyways I still have meal with him.

We had a conversation that I would label it as 'buffet words' except it's a one-sided eat. My friend just bull-talk his way and I really find it not inspiring nor intellectual. In other words, he just talked because he can. This is not even the first time!

Here is the backbone. I definitely added some sentences to make it readable for you all. We talked in between Chinese and English.

You don't seem to have focus in life. You have been doing everything here and there in bits and pieces. So what are you good at?

(I am in deep thought that is 'not this topic again) Don't know?

What about your tarot reading skills? How good are you?

I think I am good as good as my teacher. I dare say I can give practical reading and good customer service.

Woah. I like your confidence but that overconfidence of yours is quite arrogant.

I agree on that but what makes you think I didn't learn other skills too?

Yea... but you definitely can't beat your teacher in terms of experience and the hours attending to clients.

I agree but when comes to customer service I dare say I am even better than some of the world-renowned. At the end of the day, I can give readings that people can take home. That's more important. And recently I had a skills scan with a famous psychic from XX and XX also commented that I am good in channeling things that are on the other side of my country.

Oh ... but I don't know how to quantify good in tarot reading then.

That's not my fucking business if you don't know how to quantify or don't even know the current customer service of the business.

This post is definitely not bragging my skills but it's about writing my brain out because I was so disturbed by this conversation for 4 days.

I am very well aware that I don't have a focus in life. Whenever I asked myself what my focus is and the answer is living a happy life... living a life that I am true to. Yes, it's a waste of time of just 'doing nothing' to a certain extent that I feel like I am wasting my time but doing everything and anything can also be a waste of time and energy. I will write that in the next post because I have another conversation on this topic just now.

So... I am disturbed by my friend because it made me question my own skills. Not only that it's more about feeling my own self when I am in that fucking hot seat. Why was I feeling insecure? Am I really that poor? No, I don't think so. My insecurity has driven me to spend thousands in learning skills that are related to spiritual development. I have also joined community that gives free reading so I can hone my skills. I have picked up things that my coursemates don't in classes. My experience has shown me that I am capable as others.

And.. sometimes I wonder why do people say such stupid things? What's the objective anyways?

As usual, I take this as a sign that I need to start kicking my ass to further improve my skills.

And also don't ever talk to this person again because it's not inspiring. It doesn't spur people to take action out of "yes I should do something before I die"... it's more to "fuck, I am doing this because I am scared."

We should never do things out of fear because we are then just letting fear to control us.

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Saturday. 9.9.17 8:42 pm
I have been tired recently but I had productive days. Exciting too.

Recently, I acted as a zombie for a game advertisement. I thought the make-up will be drastic but it was light that my friend commented "you looked like you got punched in the face." AWWW....

Then I had a role for another advertisement. I can't reveal much due to the contract I have signed. Well, it's not a huge role but one of the clauses said I can't reveal the details. Excitingly, I will be able to see my face in the ad. How exciting is that?! Well, I won't be seen in my own country but over the sea! That's even better!

Anyhow, I must learn how to live in the present.

Happy Sunday everyone.

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Saturday. 8.19.17 11:06 am
I went for a vocal coaching preview yesterday.

This is the first time I ever heard a coach emphasizing I should really learn singing because my middle part as in the mouth area (that's what I understood from her explanation) is strong enough to sing all types of songs. It would be a waste not to utilise my voice which is a music instrument anyways.

Maybe perhaps that is why I always have the calling to singing. There are some songs type that I wanna sing or even produce.

So if I wanna sing, this means I really can and all I need is to practise, and finding the right teacher.

My voice type can also be said sensual for people sees some sexual appealing value in it?? I would make a good politician too for people will be attracted to me and I can get things done. Bwahaha. Guys and even girls would fall under my spell. Bwahaha. Thank god I'm beautiful too. Bwahaha.

Anyways, I am really considering of her course and what is hindering me to taking up is her pricing. Very expensive to me. It's equivalent to half of my salary but she is confident that her course can make anyone sings (if the student practises) after 8 lessons. She gave some singing lesson in the preview. She zoomed into the difficult parts and she taught me how to sing. Her techniques are pretty easy actually. I managed to get some parts right after first few try and of course I need to practice them. She let me sing simple yet songs that have challenging parts. I could see progress in an hour. I can imagine what would the result be if I were to take up her course.

Again. Back to my previous post. What do I really want in life? Do I want to continue acting? I really don't know. We all can do everything and it's just need practices. Like today, the director seemed to like my acting despite being a little stiff (and I almost strangle myself again for not applying the rules that I have for myself before entering the casting room) but I can somehow make the cut for the video.This means I can do it. I have the stuff to execute the job but do I really want it?

I think I really need to go meditate and sit on this question. I have been postponing this for almost a year already.

What's really stopping me, really? My job sucks though good pay but what's the point? I am a living zombie in office who always nap intermittent with work. See how uninspiring my job is.

I must really do something to my life. But singing is definitely on my list. Who knows I can be a singer! Bwahaha.

Dare to dream!

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Weird weird world
Tuesday. 8.15.17 10:36 am
Or rather weird people.

I have two friends who advised me, strongly, not to waste time on attending auditions. We will always not be chosen, that was the rationale. At the end of 2016, I felt the same way too. I really got burnt out. I attended many. Made a fool of myself and do crazy things with a thick skin. And I felt some of casting director was not even serious of picking the talents as though the clients already have someone in mind. Those casting directors were just casting for the sake of casting. But I kept going.

Also because agents have requested me to attend some, thus I go to give face. Who knows I was shortlisted? I have been short-listed but once they found my employer, they didn't know consider me due to conflict of interest. I moved on.

Only beginning of this year that my faith in attending casting was restored. I attended a funny casting and I was shortlisted. Though I was extremely disappointed to find out that I was not found in any scene in the advertisement but I was grateful that I was shortlisted. If I didn't attend, would I be even shortlisted? That's what I thought. If I didn't attend a casting in February, would I even be asked to act as an aunt in a documentary? It was because I attended the casting that the directors know of my existence.

I was very ... sad... when my friends discouraged me not to attend the castings. The first thing I asked was have you ever been the main or featured talent before. Yes was their reply. No wonder! I never had the chance, yet. Of course I will keep going until I get what I aim. Don't we?

I was given a small role in an advertisement. I was neither main or featured but there is a high possibility that I could be seen in the ad. Not bad right? That's because I attended the casting on the last day even though I was very exhausted.

Many of my friends said I should get priorities right. I agree. I told one of the 2 friends that I can't follow him to the temple for blessing because I have shooting on the date we were supposed to go. He immediately responded that I should get my priorities right. Right. It's a somewhat featured job and I should decline just to follow you? Hello. That could be an opportunity for me to get more jobs. Sacrifice just for you? I don't like the words he said to me. It's like you tell your mother that she is so ugly and she does not deserve to have a better husband.

Another friend of mine said they could be jealous of me. I am younger and prettier than them. Hence I have more chances than them. I don't really care about that. Nobody can take away your opportunities. It's given and it's up to use to accept it. Things happen for us at the right time and right place.

I still have not figured out if I keep wanting to try out acting. The money is not that great for small flies unless I get featured or main roles than the pay will be in thousands. Most of the time the pay is less than USD25 for 12 hours of standby. Seriously. We have no union and sometimes I wonder why the hell we are working as extras. My tarot reading service fetches me USD25 for one hour online.

Oh well, I am grateful for the experience. All I am currently doing is to let go of the need to control my destiny. I will do what I am given.

Good luck renaye.

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