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Speak to My Finger
Meowing WAR





Books
Books I have completed reading since January 2018:

1. No Man's Nightingale - Ruth Rendell
2. One Day - David Nicholls
3. The Door - Margaret Atwood
Did the devil ate my gift?
Monday. 2.12.18 2:14 pm
What if the devil is innocent?

Only the devil knows.

I won a lucky draw today but it was short-lived like 10 minutes. After taking photo of my lucky draw item which are vouchers, I put in my bag. The moved to lining up for food. When I returned to my seat, the vouchers were gone from my bag.

I don't think I dropped them. The vouchers are thick so there is no way my eyes would miss it if they dropped to the ground.

My bag is deep but I have overturned it and they are not there!

So who ate my vouchers?

I returned to my office with severe heartbroken.

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Fed up
Thursday. 2.1.18 3:33 pm
This is not the first time I am posting the same old thing but still I need to reflect, inflect this shitty stuff.

Again, the same fucking person said the same old thing and worse I got told off in the face that 'I was rude.' Ok. It was my fault for messing your car radio but I am actually fucking HURT. Well, I did apologise profusely.

This person had said so many fucking hurting words and I never once said RUDE. Yea. Why am I so stupid for not saying that in his face? I think that was why I was soooo angry with him today.

Yea... the fuck that he said whatever he wants and I can't? He is very conflicting with himself and I don't like it. I have been avoiding him for some time but I met up with him recently because he was introducing me something that helps me. But still, why the heck am I putting up with his shitty mouth?

Ugh. I wonder.

The other one would be another guy asking me to use my youth to seduce any guys that I want because youth is just once in a lifetime thing. I hated that. When a friend asked me to follow how my friend uses her charms to win the guy, I was absolutely mad. Whether that is true or not, I don't agree with such method. I don't really believe in seducing the guy. Maybe because I don't know how.

A fortune teller said my smile is very expensive. I don't smile often especially to strangers. A friend said before I am pretty and yet I don't smile. I often exude aloofness. That's me. I smile often to my own standard. I smile whenever I like la. WTH.

Ok. Both guys also I don't want to talk to. I just want to have peace for my ears.

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Unexpected dream
Saturday. 1.20.18 4:27 pm
Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Last chance
Sunday. 12.10.17 3:35 pm
Man. I ruined my last chance for the year to get to know a guy better whom I view as good looking. I said something darn to him which gave him a poor image of myself.

ARGHHH!!! Can I rectify that situation? No. It's too late. I said something that actually does not need an apology but .... what is done is done... I cannot eat my words back.

I feel awful now and that whole reel scene is really haunting me now.

All I could see him talking to my other friends so relaxing. Man. Awkward now.

Anyways, I feel that the intellectual gap between us won't make us close. Is it my excuse? Not really. That's the truth. He seems always so business-y. I heard he only talks to people who are beneficial to him. I don't know. I am neutral. I have no comment since I never experienced that.

We talked for a while until my last message was not replied. Perhaps, my message was not intellectually. Anyways, it's ok. I am used to it.

What's there not to be custom to it? When another friend is not talking to me anymore. Omg. I have had enough.

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Too late
Tuesday. 12.5.17 1:17 pm
The song Apologise by Timbaland started to play in my head the moment I decided to write my mind.

The guy I used to be crazy about had sent me a second message via FB recently. The first was I miss you! The second was you looked great in this picture.

Unfortunately it was all too late. The last sentence that prompted me dump you was you said "you look like a bastard" when I showed you my new hair cut.

And now the sweet words.

Who would be so stupid to fall for you again after those hurtful words? That won't be me.

I am not desperate. After I found my freedom after dumping him, seriously, I realised I love myself more and this time I really don't want to be in a relationship. I suddenly remember how comfortable I am to be with myself. I think this is something people don't really understand. They keep telling me I am too weird and I just have to grab someone to marry just so I can be like anyone in the society regardless of my happiness level. I think they say so because they cannot withstand the loneliness, because they don't understand the meaning of being lonely.

What does lonely mean? It's the yearning feeling to be with others, be it talking or interacting. Why do we have to feel lonely when we are in the company of 'I'? I as in myself. Yes, we can talk to ourselves. We can ask ourselves what makes us happy. We can accompany ourselves to do the things that make us happy?? Do you remember the time you do silly things and then you just laugh at yourself? Why do we prefer others to make us happy?

I don't feel lonely.

Nor I am against others being in a relationship. I congratulate them! But just don't rub on me that I too need to get married just to be devoid of loneliness.

I am back to having a solitary life, a balance one that is. I still mix with my friends and I am involved in social activities.

Whatever he is doing... won't affect me. What a chameleon he is. Good looking for foul mouth dimwit. The worse.

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Again, again.
Wednesday. 11.1.17 2:48 pm
My mother went sighing again after countless of times saying the same old thing that she will die faster thanks to her to dearest daughters.

Right. I also would die faster thanks to my mother. It's amazing that I don't have hypertension after the years of emotional abuse and or the cusses she said on a frequent basis. Like this morning, she was complaining for full 30 minutes with a very unpleasant face. I hate that tone. I hate that facial expression. It's almost everyday. On average it's like 4 times a week.

And I am a person I need space. Space is very sacred to me.

Sigh. I am also gonna die faster than my mum. With the stress I have from all around me apart from my mother, I am sooo tired.

I think I have reached the apex of absorbing too much energy that does not even benefit me. And that is what makes me tired everyday.

And my mother can be so dramatic. I don't need all this drama in my life.

I have started to think of moving out but this is my house!

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