I am really hurt by the words said by a friend today and some friends for the past few days. All I could feel was hurt. Ego hurt and pure fear overwhelming me.

I am very tired.

I am also tired of how much you are putting effort into your own life and then comes someone who just threw words at you that said you are not going all out to be in the corporate world when you can do so much more than your current job. I didn't wake up in the morning, honey, just to let you attack me from nowhere. I do know well I have excuses. Instead of telling me it's all excuses, why not try to help me to get out of these excuses and guide me? How effective you coming at me, pointing at me, calling me I am a lazy girl, would help me get out of my shell? Don't give me the excuse that I am a strong girl that your friggin' scolding would shake up my world. It doesn't, honey. You have just made more withdrawn into my world and don't ever want to see any more of you.

If you don't understand me, don't try to scold me. I am overwhelmed with fear that I am trying my best to get out of it. So if you don't want to help me, so fuck off. Don't tell me it's something I have to do it myself therefore you got to stay out of it. Yea. Stay the fuck out of my way from the beginning not after you told me off for some time and then apologise. When I said I am fine it does not mean I am truly fine and a signal of a permission for you to continue your berate just because you feel it will benefit me.

Fucktard. You don't know how much energy I spent in helping others therefore don't say I am super lazy and have so much excuses in not working in a corporate world. If you are so much superior than me, you should have continue to stay wherever you are and not tell your principal to pack their bags and fire every damn staff in the company. You should have stay and fight in the name of turn over the company. That's what you are paid for. You took the easy way out by closing the company. And didn't I even berate you on that? These staff rely on you to lead them to greater heights. They have a family to feed. Have you thought of them when you decided to pack? Every entrepreneur I met kept sharing with me they have to continue to fight because they are not only responsible for their staff only but also for their staff family. Imagine the pressure? And you packed the bags?! The only comfort words I have given to you were 'you are doing what you think you are right.' Because it is true. I am not in your shoes when you have to make that super hard decision. It was the best decision you could make at that time. I didn't judge you so why did you on me?

Many people have told me to suck it up when I said I wanna quit on my studies. I know I made the wrong decision to continue to study at one of the top private universities here. I know it was a mistake to even paid fully. I did so just to tell myself that I have to do it since I paid. I trapped myself. In the end I didn't because it was against my own self. Why? Because it was freaking boring. Because the topic was on a topic that I am not comfy with to begin with. Why did I even sign up for it?! Because I wanted a new challenge. Because I believed in my ex-colleague who said this program would be a breeze for me. Because I gave away my power to think fully to others simply because the university I was in is also world top uni. Wrong. I hated the rigid of the structure. I hated to be told I cannot think like that. I hated to be told my topic is not accepted because it was something new and the lecturers are not risk takers. And all I wanted to was to study. To write freely. To write a story from within. Cannot... it's always cannot. I tried to be creative within the limits but I felt like creativity is not welcomed. Is this how we got tamed? So our brains are easier to be marketed to the corporations? The creativity has to be tailored for the corporations.... because creativity of the individual students are commodity which can be sold with a price tag. And my creativity has no price tag because it has no value worth. And all I wanted is to study. I have two supervisors who were talked into supervising me. They were not enthusiastic in teaching me. I don't learn from them. I can't even communicate with them! I tried changing myself because I think I need to be changed! Yes, my ego could be lowered! But what do I get?! Disappointment!

Yea suck it up, renaye! You are just being a loser for quitting! Yea, go ahead and be a hooker when you don't have the money! Why not, loser?! But you got no money! So you got no choice! Be a hooker! Why not?! Just because it's against your belief? Because you don't feel comfortable?! So you decline? So did I. Damn you.

Damn you and others. Why can't you be more compassionate? Remember the times how I talked to you. Remember the times renaye tried to tell you something diplomatically when that's not her style at all. Remember the times renaye has lent you her ears and eyes at her own expense. Remember!

Remember, renaye sometimes needs to borrow eyes and ears too. If you cannot do her back the favour, please leave her alone.

Renaye needs help more than scolding. I have enough.

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My psychic teacher asked me to do this. I was doing the first few days and I totally forgot about this. And recently in a FB group, someone did this as part of the 30 days challenge and saw results within the first few days. Abundance in cash form came through!

Ok I am gonna take up the challenge again!

Oh, let's do it together for 30 days!



There's one for lottery too!

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Throughout January 2016, I have been receiving lots of good luck like from winning lucky draws to having triple orders for my side business. I am not sure how I manifested but what I remember acting like I have all the money that I wanted and I was not afraid of not having enough. I was not afraid that I got no orders. I acted confidently....

Well, if you remember I even won two hampers at a lucky draw back to back! Though I am afraid that this good luck will run dry but I totally leave this to God!

And then early February, I received a message from the leader of a youth NGO that I am a member of that there will be a branch event in Hiroshima, Japan in March. I visited the event site. I scrolled the program and then I saw a small print that financial assistance could be given.

Dum Dum Dum....

Suddenly, I remember my prayer in December. I asked for free trip to Japan and I shall visit Hiroshima. Is this the one?!

I immediately contacted my leader to enquire the financial assistance. And I was connected to the person in charge in Japan.

At the same time, I completed the registration form. And I waited anxiously for the reply.

I got the reply from the person in charge efficiently. Though they could provide limited financial assistance: 1 person from each hub it was highly depending how fast I replied the organiser email.

I waited anxiously for the email. And you know what? I almost missed it! That's because I didn't read the instructions correctly. And I only have less than 24 hours to complete my trip to Japan!

The only outstanding thing was buying ticket. However, I have checked the price and it's within the reimbursement so no problem! And I just booked my tickets when I have not even applied for my leave!

And then my head came telling my heart that we should decline this event because I am trying my hardest to save... And then I tell myself... if I am meant to go, I will then have the money!

And then...

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While I was praying, I sudden had a realisation that it is not as simple as praying for a new job when I am unhappy in my current job. It is not about asking for a better job, it is about why do I even ask for a better job? What is the underlying of my prayer?

Yea, it can be attributed to the unfairness at work. It is far more than that. It is about why I am unhappy. Is it really about the job?

I suddenly feel my prayers for a better job just got thrown out of the window. That is because my unhappiness stems further than the job. It is life in general that I feel trapped.

So how do I pray then? Pray to be able to understand what my body is trying to tell me?

Regardless of this realisation, I still feel helpless.

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When you were told that the inflation rate is going up way than any investment instruments can be ahead of it hence the need of generating extra USD 500 per month to cover it is stabbing your heart, what would you exactly do in this situation?

That is me in the above line. I want to resign the soonest and I can't even be thinking of generating extra when my head is occupied with saving for the bills that I need to pay during my unemployment months.

I am spiraling into work depression and anxiety. I am looking out for coaching help and my friends commented they won't be of help. But the fear and not knowing what to do next is real. How can I ignore it? That's a non-compassionate action at all. I can get answers through meditation but I feel there is a need of more than that. There's a missing link and I am hunting down on that missing link.

Sometimes I wonder am I here in this life to hunt that missing link?

Still, I am looking out for an intuitive life coach. Meditations may help for my friends but I don't feel it's much helpful for me. I need more than that. It's true our higher self know the answer but sometimes we just need external help to digest the process.

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Recently I consulted my friend on money management since he is rich.

He was very kind in sharing information and of course throughout our session I was in a panic state reflecting on the zeroes in my bank account.

My usual style is to invest all money I have leaving myself with little or no cash. I got no cash for the rainy days because I never anticipated shitty days. I will just think how to get out of that shit if I were really in that shit. Of course, we have to manifest positive situations right?! And somehow this method saved me a few times. I sold my investment for good returns and used it to pay off my debts and others. Even he cautioned me that this method aka not having savings of a minimum of 6 months salary is extremely dangerous. And you know what? At that time I was already in shitty mode and yet I dare to do it and I survived.

However, for this year, I decided to save up for a rainy day since I have some plans for the future. You know what? I was actually kinda surprised when he said the opposite when I consulted him. He indicated that I should be investing my money because now is a good time. I was disappointed. I thought this time I would be commended for finally coming to senses. I don't understand up to now why he didn't approved of my changes.

To add salt into my wound, he commended his partner and her friend for having improvement in their finance. They are up by 33%! I was hurt. Worse of all, I was not even sure which part of me was really hurt. I further reflected on my current money management: What is wrong with building a saving nest? Isn't that 101 savings?

I don't understand. What happened?

I reflected again about his partner. The partner is living in with him. Meals are eaten at home - I believe by his maids. She works for him for years. Everything is covered on her end. Of course, she may have her own spending but no matter what she has a backer that is in him.

This year I decided to have savings because my mum is no longer working full time. My sister's earning is not stable. And I have bills to pay. And I wanna resign from a job that no longer supports my aspiration. In fact, I feel suffering to continue toiling in a job that I no longer love no matter how much I try to tell myself this is the job that I asked from God years ago. But it's time to move on.

I am saving hard so I have money to pay the bills during my unemployment months. Is that wrong?

I don't have a backer and never had and I'm so grateful for having a roof above my head. I have only myself to rely on.

I am not like him who has inheritance. I am not like her who has a backer. I have only myself. I have to make sure that I have money so I don't have to trouble my family if I ever had financial problems. The thing is I am even more surprised that the partner is not even richer. Maybe she is but I just don't know.

I don't need to know. I just need to care of my own finances. I am trying ways to earn more here and there so I can reach my money goal so I can start investing.

May God bless me.

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