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Uh oh
Monday. 1.17.11 6:30 pm
I just spent all last semester and most of the year leading up to it assuring all my teachers and friends that yes, I really do like physics, and no, I don't think I'm going to change majors. I figure I can major in Physics, minor in Computer Science or something like that, and go into research.

Just now I wondered if that's really what I want to do, and now I'm unsure. Am I really interested enough to base my career on it? All these people want to know what my goals are. I dunno! I'm not very good at setting goals because I'm not very good at caring about them. Goals aren't like deadlines; they have no immediate impact. I do things when I want to because I want to...if I do it for a goal it just seems like work. I'm just as inclined to sit around and think about things I MIGHT do.

And then this stems from commitment. I get really excited about a project, get started, and work through it in a few days. OR, I get really excited about it, do half of it, take a break, and never want to touch it again. On the bright side, this applies to time wasting things like video games or reading, but on the other hand, how am I supposed to have FUN, much less have consistent and/or useful INTERESTS if I can't keep on track? People ask me what my hobbies are, and I don't know what to tell them. Reading? Writing? Photography? Coding? Video games? Swimming? WREK? They're all phases. I don't even WATCH my "favorite" TV shows consistently.

Oh, I didn't say. I'm pretty much done with WREK. I stopped liking it. Just like that. Kind of like...

Well, everything.

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In the Dark of the Night!
Saturday. 1.15.11 11:35 am
Evil will find herrrrr!


I always think of the craziest things to say when I'm in bed at night these days. But I can't write them down or anything so I just try to remember them for later.

When I turn over, the window blinds are right there in my face. I find it amusing to cross my eyes and let my brain stitch the two images together the way it normally would if my eyes weren't crossed. If the two images are similar enough, the composite will be a surreal, "3D" experience that breaks down if you try to focus on it, since the image you're seeing technically doesn't exist. This trick works on any repeating pattern that's close enough to your face. It's the same trick you use to see the "hidden 3D image" in those weird CGI cards you can buy. Anyway, I stare at my blinds and just bask in the surreality. It's like good music, almost.

I am beyond sore. I'm used to being a little tight after the first weeks of swim practice, but this is something else. I can barely move my arms. Last night I felt something pop when I was lifting. I think I'm screwing up my tendons or something. Pathetic, really, since I'm mostly using 7-15 pound dumbbells. Oh, the joys of being a pansy man. As of right now the most infuriating thing is that I can't completely fold or straighten my elbows. Not that it hurts, which it does. I mean that they get stuck. I feel like I'm stretching past my flexibility limits when I do things like lay out in bed or scratch my head and it is quite painful.

Melissa Kaplan is a tremendously talented individual. She's like Trent Reznor without his love of destruction. It's sort of inspiring, actually. Universal Hall Pass and Splashdown are both top of my list at the moment. And, alternatively, the Man On Fire soundtrack (which by chance has a lot of stuff by NIN). Lots of good stuff that nobody else likes, haha.

School's finally in. I have a better teacher for Cal 2 (and better classmates), but I am going to need some serious review of Cal 1. Which makes sense, really.

I love my computer. It is somewhat fancy, and it is mine. Meaning that I can make it somewhat fancier. It's sort of the same personality trait that makes me rearrange my room: a need for added efficiency. And the same that makes me switch what side of the bed I put my head on: a need for change. I just like things to work better. I have a nifty little gesture suite installed on my computer that makes my touchpad almost as useful as a Mac's. And my desktop background cycles through a folder of artistic photographs, paintings, and fractals on a daily basis. My screensaver is this. Completely mesmerizing, by the way. I definitely recommend it. A huge one-up on the built in screensavers.

I should go now.

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Wednesday. 1.12.11 2:06 am
Before you click this, pause the music the post below is likely blaring at you. There.

Song About Nothing. I have literally been trying to track down this song for several years. I heard it once at Clemson on someone's iPod and the chorus would get stuck in my head about once every few months. AND NO WONDER I COULD NOT FIND IT! It's not even a widely known song, and it just happens that its title and the artist's name each generate thousands of false positives on Google. And all I had to go on was the chorus. But I got lucky this time! Either that or my tenacity won out.

Anyhoo: I've been trying to get a post up for...what's it been, a month now? Crazy. Yeah so maybe I've been trying for less than a month. You guys know how it goes. You get busy, and it's just too time consuming to get it all down. You understand.

The difference here is that I REALLY wanted to! A lot of stuff has happened during and since my Winter Break! FOR EXAMPLE

I had chronic chest pains that had me in and out of doctor's rooms for several days, as soon as I got home from Tech. It was sort of scary for a while but turned out to be more of an annoyance than a threat. It went away soon after I got to Puerto Rico (a week or so later). Mom thought I broke a rib, which made me sad because I like not having broken anything.

I went to Puerto Rico! Visited some family. (Very well might not see some of them again.) Got some great photos. Saw a famous Puerto Rican folk band perform because they're friends with my also-famous aunt (who is a phenomenal dancer). Decided that I have no particular reason to not drink but will continue to not do so in an effort to hone self control.

I saw Ryo-Friend! Several times actually. It was Good Times ahoy, because it was the first time he'd been home at all since school started. KILO and I went into his room over Thanksgiving break, emptied several of his drawers, and spelled out "MERRY CHRISTMAS" and "<3 S + K" on his bed and floor, respectively, with shirts and pajama pants. It was beautiful. I just wish I had been there to witness his discovery of our little gift. Ryan is a good pal and it was quite pleasurable to make his presence gain. I saw The Matrix (I know, I'm super late on this), Requiem for a Dream, Metropolis, and also Blade Runner. But that's not all, because...!

I had a birthday party! Like, a real one! I haven't had a real one in a while, much to Mom's chagrin. I invited a lot of people to my house and we ate burgers and talked and played Wii Play and talked some more and it just WORKED. I was so surprised. And I got to see a BUNCH of people who I hadn't seen in a whizzle. Like Sharnae, David, Mary, Kayla, Will, Katie, and Key. Looking back on it now, I can think of people that I should have invited...It was sort of last minute so I didn't think it through as well as I could have. And of course Kierra couldn't come because that's just an unrealistic expectation.

This is slightly out of order, but I got stuff for Christmas! Like a TV. And clothes. I'm surprised by how much I enjoy getting clothes now. I guess that's just life. I got a pretty great scarf, some gloves, and the usual jeans/belt/dress shirt combo. OH and my headphones. Nothing super high-end (or else you might hear the degradation in my 128 bit mp3s) but with some truly nifty sound canceling powers. They gave me a ruinous headache at first but I got used to them. Also I got some shampoo that I really wanted (I know, what the heck) so my hair is sure to be very soft and fun to have in the near future.

I got my wisdom teeth pulled out! I thought for a while that I would be able to avoid it, but alas: my first surgery! I wanted to see how well I could fare against the knock-out juice, but the doctor cheated and got me going on laughing gas first. I was just laying there, enjoying myself, when suddenly I was laying there with my face numb and blood on my teeth. But apparently it went well. I hardly got any swelling, found almost no need for the painkillers (luckily, since what little pain I did have didn't seem to be affected by them), and have since healed up pretty nicely. Fingers crossed for no infections in the coming month! Mom managed to get my teeth after the operation, so I have them here in wrapped in a little sheet of gauze. I cleaned them, of course. I have already used them to make conversation with girls. Well, A girl. Maybe I should be worried about strange people wanting to see my disembodied bones.

I watched Ghost In The Shell! Such a great show. The ending was neat. My cousin showed it to me when I was WAY too young to fully appreciate it, but I tracked it down and watched it online this week. School was supposed to start on Monday but it has been iced out, and will probably not begin until Thursday or Friday. So I had plenty of time to watch. Roomy got a hold of my gamecube games (I brought the Wii to go along with my spiffy new TV) and already played through Luigi's Mansion and probably most of Super Mario Sunshine. The kid is relentless. OH. I rearranged my room. I am quite proud of it.

I started working out! Roomy has some sort of schedule for beginners so we're doing that. I never want to go when it's time to start but I always feel good once I leave (sort of like writing posts here). These were my first two legitimate weight training sessions since 9th grade! Sure, I swam all those years (though I haven't even done that in over a year, now), and that kept me in great shape, but I never touched weights. And yet here I am.

Not-so-great things:

I DIDN'T see the twin. I didn't see her for Thanksgiving because her mom was child-greedy, and then her car goes and breaks down right when I return from the tropics. Friggin' lame.

KILO works too much. I can't buy a meal every time I want to visit him. I'll get fat.

I pissed off Katie hardcore. My friends (who are always behind on things like this) are always like "Aren't you and she on bad terms?" and I'm like "WHAT NO." and then a month or a few later I have to come back and be like "yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh". Typically I'd be all fired up or super emo or something, but I really just don't care. It's not like when you get pissed off and you say "Well, I don't care what happens to you or what you think!" I'm just not worried. I said most of what I wanted to say, and it honestly helped a lot. I'm not sorry for what I said. Probably shouldn't have said it at all, but still. Anyway, she was pissed off hardcore (man that is a fun phrase) and now I guess I'm just...scared to talk to her. Not scared. Apprehensive? Eh. I just don't want to hash it out again. And I don't have to! I'm in the business of burying cadavers.

(Yes, this is still a list of Not-so-great things) I had a super vivid dream that made me all warm and fuzzy, but it's not real. And several times when I've been half asleep I'll forget that it isn't real, so when I wake up it's the same realization over again. I even might have dreamed the same dream over several different sleep sessions, now that I think about it. I feel like my dog has died or something, that's how strong the loss is. I don't get that a lot, so it's sort of jarring. The dream was great while it lasted, but man this crash isn't worth it.

Last one: My body is sore and it is super late now. So it's a Gooooood thing there's no school tomorrow.

So, a new day to be tackled! Ended at 3:41 AM, more than an hour and a half after the start. Nice.

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Broken Hearted Soul
Saturday. 12.11.10 2:49 pm

Get a playlist! Standalone player Get Ringtones

Broken Hearted Soul, by Ra. A relatively new artist for me, but one that I'm beginning to like very much. This song especially has a mix of desperate romanticism and rockin' music that I tend to obsess over.

(As you can tell, it's been a while since I've written a paper)

Also, I've just noticed that several of my songs from this list are down, due to broken links. Kind of ruins the whole point for me, but it's OK I guess. Not much I can do about it unless I upload the songs myself, which I'd rather not do...

In other news! I've had a series of...very interesting dreams lately. Last night I sort of had to operate on my right leg because it got messed up (forget how). It was suspiciously robotic on the inside. I kept worrying that I was contaminating the exposed flesh. Eventually I just snapped it back together (yes, snapped) and walked it off or something. Eh.

A few nights ago, I dreamed that my brother was killed somehow. It was one of those rare dreams of mine that's somewhat realistic, in that the person who died was a real person and I was pretty upset about it. So that was weird.

It must have been right after my last post that I had a dream that was socially oriented. It was my "ideal" bad situaiton, where a bunch of girls that have no business snooping around in my life were trying to play Matchmaker with me. They were being all coy and friendly with me, but the whole time I knew what they wanted. Eventually one sits next to me and is like, "I know there's something going on with you and Liz. You two should get together." At that point my dream-self was pretty peeved and basically responded, "Like Hell."

Last night I was up late at a school-wide party. They opened up the high-dives. I've been thinking lately that I might have an irrational fear after all: heights. I was thinking this because several times I can remember noticing how high up I am and freaking out a bit. I wasn't sure because sometimes heights don't bother me, and of course there's my constant wish to go skydiving with friends. BUT, knowing me, it's totally believable that I would be afraid of something and still want to do it, just to push myself. And now I am convinced this is an accurate assumption because of last night.

I went off the high-dives. I worked my way up from 1 meter to 3, 5, 7, and finally 10 meters. I started getting nervous at about 5 meters, and after that it just got worse. At 10 I was freaking out a bit. But I did it! I jumped 32 feet into a pool. The worst thing that happened was I flooded my sinuses with the water driven up my nose. That was uncomfortable.

But if I remember correctly, I did the same thing at Clemson a few years ago. Didn't I even try to flip? I know I got edgy back then, but apparently not enough to stop me from diving head first, among other things. So has it gotten worse for me? That's weird.

So I'm wondering now if I pinched a nerve or something because my left arm has these weird pains that sort of move around. Hard to describe.

Anyway, this has been great, but I'm really hungry. Time for food!

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