Tuesday. 4.2.13 12:23 am
I wish I'd put in more time to update as things were happening. Now I will be forced to be brief.
Spring break was supposed to be boring. Instead of going home or visiting another university, I stuck around in the apartment. I didn't think anyone would be around. But I ended up visiting some more local friends, spending a day in Cornelia, and eventually I went down to Auburn for the weekend. About a dozen of us in Atlanta wanted to encourage the Auburn/Tuskegee church and hang around and stuff. It was great fun! We shared our faith with random people on the street Friday night, which was pretty interesting (you meet the neatest people!).
On Saturday, a smaller contingency of us drove over to Tuskegee to meet with some of the disciples there. I wasn't aware that it was a historically black school. The whole time I was there, I was one of three white guys...and the other two were guys who came with us. At one point, we decided we'd hop into a "Chat n' Chew," which is basically a party where the various women running for Miss Tuskegee politic and give you food and stuff. I've never been so thoroughly the minority before. There are plenty of times when I'll realize that I'm in a group with no other white peeps, or even a whole room, but this was like high-school prom. It was very jarring for about five minutes before I got used to it.
There was dancing. I danced. I'm not a particularly great dancer, mind you, but at one point my friend Ajax and I were doing the electric slide by ourselves. Like a boss?
I've taken so long to write this that I'm exhausted now. More later.
Friday. 3.22.13 12:45 am
Every time I think about what happened and how things are now, I feel terrible. I wish that I could apologize, and when I remember that I already have, I just feel crummier.
And then it hit me. I'd never seen any sort of forgiveness. Maybe it was supposed to be implied, but I'd never been released from my guilt. I felt a little better after that realization, because now I consciously understand that there's nothing more for me to worry about; all I need to do is wait and see if she forgives me. In the meantime, I need not prostrate myself and make an awkward situation even worse for everyone. Honestly, it probably wasn't even worth the trouble I've already raised for it.
vague post is vague
Tomorrow I'm driving over to Auburn for the weekend. Gonna encourage the church! Hang out, get into some bible studies and help where I can. Then it's back home for school.
Waiting on this guy to upload a fixed build for my phone. The last one broke bluetooth and I'm too stubborn to roll back to the previous build...he said he'd push it out a week or two ago but he's been having trouble at home and I think he broke his computer today so...yeah. It's OK since I only ever use bluetooth in my car, and rarely.
Looked for some good free sci-fi books today. Couldn't find any that aren't already on my list.
I feel like I have this poetic matter rising up in me but I don't know how to work with it. I don't have a specific subject or image, just a feeling. And flashes of light.
Tell me what you think. Not about what I just said, but just in general.
Thursday. 3.14.13 4:06 pm
So I've been messaging one of the females (girl? woman? She refuses to tell me her age) from that facebook scuffle last week. She isn't the friendliest person I've met, but we've had a pretty neat conversation about belief and the existence of God. It was sort of weird: I basically messaged her and said, "Hey, you want to talk about it?" And for some reason she's put up with me, even though she's pretty brusque about it. Right now we're talking about whether God would be able to interact with the universe (or "magic" as she refers to it). She agrees there COULD be a god (though only on the technicality of proof) but seems completely put off by the idea of that god being able to do anything else. I think that's an odd constraint to make. What do you guys think? IF there was a god that created the universe (not necessarily the God of the bible, mind you,) would you expect for it to interact with the universe or not? Why do you think that? As of yet I haven't been able to get a "why" out of her. You gave me such good answers last time, and it may be that I'm just misunderstanding her.
Paradigms are very interesting. Your paradigm affects your entire point of view in the world. Sometimes it's more subtle than others, but I think most people don't notice. She and I will never understand each other if we start off by making different assumptions. It always comes back to your most basic assumption. What is it? That the world exists? That you exist? I think in those two cases we can't help but make those assumptions, since the other options don't give us much to work with. But it's always fun to think about where the others come from, and how they affect my actions subconsciously.
Spring break is coming up soon. I think I'm just going to stay here in ATL and chill with friends. Maybe take a short trip down to the church in Auburn and say hey. I wish more was going on.
I've been listening to more music like this the past couple of days. Copeland, Paper Route, Walk the Moon. It's nice.
The St. Baldrick's shaving party is today. You can still donate, if you like! I'd definitely appreciate it, and it goes to a great cause.
Tonight I will be bald. I'm...sort of anxious? It's pretty weird.
There's a tad more I want to say but I don't recall it at the moment, so I'll get back to this electrodynamics. Later.
Yo, long post
Thursday. 3.7.13 11:15 am
I heard they found a way to no set place
That theyíre way ahead and winning but thereís no real race
And theyíre feeding on the thrill of a chase
When theyíll never find a way to keep the pace
I heard they found a way to build our dreams
Can they engineer a world in which we hear no screams
And I heard that they can make vaccines
But our sick routine isnít keen to relieve
I heard they found a way to see through walls
Do they have the sight to see my scars
And can they find a way to view who we are
Or does such vision just exist in the far
And can incisions ever fix all the vying that persists
Can a needle cure the evil through the arm
Iím told they have the means to travel to the stars
But canít journey to the start of the savage in our hearts
So if Iím ravaged and afraid
Damaged and apart, tired of charades
How can I clear the smoke that billows
Wade through to cope and chisel out a life thatís worthy and of praise
My whole lifeís passing me by
As I sit and wonder why
Iíll find a way
They say tomorrow brings a brighter day
But do they know about the sorrow thatís beyond the fray
Do they see all of the madness that man obeys
And can they understand that sadness wonít go away
But itís okay cuz the truth is Iím feeling whole
Feeling like the emptiness inside has found a home
And Iím hopeful that my destiny is one of heights
One in which the apathy in me no longer strikes
And I wonder how this ending has come to pass
When just yesterday was carefree and full of laughs
But if thereís certainty in anything itís what we have
Is but impermanent cuz no thing will always last
Yet still I canít help but question fate
Canít shake the feeling that I hold the key to great escape
And I feel in me a yearning that still endures
A spirit wandering and eager now to find a cure
Believe me this is pure essence
It goes beyond mere conversation and confession
Itís much too vague to formulate into expression
But perhaps thereís something greater that weíve all been set in
And this is not to say I know the way
This is not to say attachmentís been put away
This is not to say my love for youís been held at bay
And I donít possess or know a simple route to change
But it is to say I hold you close
And it is to say the love in me is more than most
And it is to say your absence has left itís mark
But I tell myself this plays within a bigger part
Now you are not the only way to make me whole
Know that I wonít ever turn my heart to stone
You are not the only way to make me whole
And I wonít ever turn my heart to stone
And Iíll find a way
Iím not without a spirit that can hold up to the torture
Not without a will to stop the cycle that marauders
Not without a mind to free the hate within my border
And to cleanse the vessel into which my consciousness is ordered
Iím not afraid of monsters that intimidate and taunt ya
Not afraid to challenge all the violence and slaughter
The leviathans that haunt are hardly deadly out of water
Iíll find a way to offer the elixir of disorder
So many trails have crossed the rivers forged from all our tears
So many paths have left us all alone during these years
So many that weíve lost but I can feel their presence near
I can see a road ahead that leads beyond the known frontier
So lift yourself up slowly and rest your eyes upon me
And let the sad and lonely float away and disappear
And leave the guilt and shame and all the anger and the fear
Lets trade it for the will to find a way to persevere
How long can I surrender for
How deep can my descending bore
How long can I neglect me for
How long is this confinement for
How long can I arrest me for
How long can I detain me for
How long before I stray off course
How long before all hope is lost
How long can one survive among the horror
Live among the demons that all seethe in darkened corners
Cling to all the grief released in tidal waves upon ya
Proclaim it isnít fair, content to bear forever mourner
This moment is in order
Now let the waters pass
Let the smoldered ash remain beside the olden past
Leave it on behalf of those who crave to hear you laugh
And walk among the living as you find a way to last
How long can I survive this for
How long can I abate this for
How long can I remain this strong
Well how long can I just sing this song
Iíll find a way"
Love this song.
I used to argue about religion a lot. Public forums, youtube comments, stuff like that. It was really stupid. You can't solve anything by arguing. People aren't going to be open to change just from hearing some unconvincing arguments from an anonymous punk. And how could the arguments be convincing? Beset by trolls on both sides, and fighting pride with pride? Even if people were always super logical online, it'd be hard to have any sort of meaningful discourse like that...and people are rarely logical online. Everyone thinks they're right and that all naysayers are personally attacking them. That's not sharing your faith. So I haven't done that in a while.
(Although, I did have a "friendly" debate with this guy from Australia a few years ago. A physics major like me. I should catch up with him soon.)
I saw on Facebook that two of my friends were making comments on such a thread. Apparently some guy had gone to an atheist group and posted something along the lines of "Hey, I've been reading through this group, and I just wanted to apologize for all the Christians who've been complete hateful jerks. We're not all like that! I'm not trying to start any arguments or anything. Anyway, God loves you, I love you, have a great day!"
It blew up. There were several...vocal individuals who were incredibly offended that he'd said "God loves you." They took at as a condescension, as if he meant "You don't believe in God and you're all bad people, but God loves you anyway." I dunno. Maybe he did, but I find that hard to believe. He was definitely making an apology first and foremost. I honestly think he only threw in a mention of God in order to make it clear where his beliefs lay. "Yes, I believe in God, and I agree with those people theologically, but I don't want that to get between us." Even if you agree that it was a stupid and foolish comment to make, I'd be hard pressed to agree that he meant it as a slight. I think they over-reacted.
So I joined in. It was interesting and sort of liberating. I didn't argue any points. I tried to explain what I thought of his statement. I talked about beliefs. I asked people what they thought about certain things. I told how I came across my own special beliefs, briefly. It seemed to go well. The situation certainly wasn't diffused...people really just wanted to be angry.
I hate that. People get offended about something and it seems like they're only getting offended because they feel like it's their right. One guy compared the original post to an atheist walking into a church and politely explaining how God is a figment of the imagination. Um, no? It's more like an atheist walking into a church, declaring himself to be atheist, and apologizing for rude atheists.
Bah. What do you guys think? There's a pretty good mix of religious and irreligious people here. Do you think the OP was out of line? If he was, do you think it's worth getting so angry about? In retrospect, there were people saying that I was stupid, illogical, ignorant, full of BS, hateful, etc. I'm not particularly angry about it. Is that weird?
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