later on, after the movies:

holy crap.

i miss john so much.


he got his haircut. it makes me sad. its a 'yes, im following fads because im now at monterey and cant be myself cuz they think theyre too good for me,' haircut.

i wouldnt take it that far, maybe. but its like, straightened bangs. its so...


idk. hes curls. hes fun curls. not straightened bangs.

dont get me wrong, its not like it looks bad or anything. it just doesnt look john.

and hes trying to get with some girl leslee, and shes leading him on, and its sad, because he cant tell, and ive never even talked to her in my life i can tell, and he needs to be with someone that wont lead him on, you know? someone like... me?


I MISS HIM I MISS HIM I MISS HIM I MISS HIM!



****


hell yes.



im the only girl on my team. but we rock. hxfc baby. [hard fucking core, if you were wondering.]



even though the garage was really really cold.


anyways, so what were doing is building a cardboard boat that were gonna be racing at the beggining of april, across an olympic sized pool. im gonna be riding the boat. i hope it doesnt sink, cuz, honestly, im soooo not the best swimmer. but i am the lightest, so itll be less likely to sink because of weight problems. but yeah, its gonna be awesome.



going to see stranger than fiction at the two dollar movies tonight, with john and amy and maybe some chick leslee that johns trying to get with? idk... i love that movie, though. it makes me cry, but will ferrals soooo good in it.


HOOOOOOOOOLD YOU INNNN MY AARMS
I JUST WANTED TO HOOOOOOOLD YOU IIIIIIN MYYYYY AARMS


i looove that song.

i got up at ten this morning... earliest ive gotten up on a saturday in a longgg time. and i took a shower right when i got up so i was all energized. then i talked to my parents for a few hours. i felt good.




i had a dream last night that my dad died. i started crying. like, randomly. and i was talking to john and he said something like about his dad or something? and i was like yeah... my dad just died... and i started like bawling. then my dad came back to life and took me to the library...

when i was younger i had a dream that every morning a snake would come and try to kill me, and hed always have to wrestle it off, and one day it bit him, and he just... dissapeared. [i was really scared of snakes] but the bad part was i told my mom something like 'well, im kinda glad hes dead, now we wont have to spend as much money or anything.'

i just now remembered that. its horrible. i was such a selfish little bitch when i was young.

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i started crying.







it was bad.




i wasnt even attatched to my gerbils, really.




=//

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i will not i will not i wont.



the last two nights ive gone to sleep at around 7 and woken up at around 930.

my reward?


eternal unrest.



more like no sleep until 130 or 2, but you get the idea.

anyways, so then im really tired when i get home after school, because i havent gotten enough sleep, and take the infamous nap.



so its a cycle.


which i am breaking.

today.




soooo im going to a concert. on february 16.

i swear, i am going to this one.


if anyone has a myspace, look up the eggsits.

theyre amazing. you listen to them and youre like 'wow, did this talent really come from lubbock?'


oh yes it did.




one problem: [which is kinda funny but not good]

last year, when i was still a drama queen, and thought flings were bad, i [unknowingly] hooked up w/this guy kayaki.

then i [knowingly] fked it up and turned into a drama queen on him.

DID YOU USE ME KAYAKI?!

yeah, obviously...



im pretty sure he thought i was using him too, so my question kinda came as a shock, im sure.




anywaysssss. [this is relevant, i swear.]



hes in the band. soooo i wouldnt want to go and him see me and think im still the freak that i was.

which i am.

just minus the aversion to hookups and the attraction to drama.




so yeah, im gonna have to get a [semi] large group to go with me so that i wont feel like an idiot.





this story was pointless.

actually, it was just free advertisement for the eggsits, which are awesome, go listen.

and i am done.

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it has less walls than it does windows.


big glass windows.


not very thick windows.


but windows that are everywhere.






we were so not prepared for this winter.

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well

its weird...
how they can make the most mundane things
and turn them into a whole movie.




i cried really hard. through the whole thing.



im not a pretty cryer.


i had this dream last night, that ive been thinking about ever sense.


it was so simple.

so... typical.

something that actually could happen.
maybe not with that person, but with someone, sometime.

something that can happen.






seek ye not love or from you it will flee.

such a great line.

usually i can just think about that song
and ill get happier.



but i miss ol.

i was thinking about that.
maybe yesterday, maybe today, i dont know, its all run together.
i almost started crying.

i know what got me thinking about it too.
we drove by quiznos.



well, when i shadowed at lhs, we went to eat at quiznos.
so i start thinking about shadowing.
so then i think about how in seventh grade it was a shadow day, and i didnt have a shadow.
but i had theater with 9th graders, and they had to take a lunch instead of c lunch because it was a shadow day.
i had a huge crush on this 9th grader in my theater class, bryan, and the lunch lines were massive, and he gets stuck, right by my table.
and he starts talking to me.
about shadowing.
and of course im blushing profusely, and when he leaves wendy bursts out laughing.

so i was thinking [today] about that, and how now im a freshman, and if they hadnt changed up the whole system, would a seventh grader have a crush on me?

well, last year jake did, and he was a year younger than me.

jake was in my theater class.

jake leads me to thinking about kash and aaron, whom i love and miss dearly, and havent seen since summer camp/before the last day of school.


and i want to cry.

not right now, but then i did.


and i miss john like no other and want to be with him and want to be able to cry on his shoulder even though i know i cant because hes not really emotional at all, but at least we could maybe hold hands and i could fall asleep on him.








ashley told me a few months ago about how hormones work.

one week before your period and youre pmsing; thats my angry week.
then the week of your period; im usually pretty happy.
then the week after your period, idk what thats called; i get really emotional.




hello week after my period.

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this is the first snow day of my whole life...




woah.


later:

so you know how i said all my hair was gone?




one of my guy friends just said our hair was the same length...




wonderful...


anyhoos, speaking of, new picture in which you can see my hair much better.

also my smile is rather nice and my cheeks are round. so i like it.










but my nose looks broken.

ignore that part.

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