i almost forgot what this was supposed to be about.
it's about what i want to be when i grow up.







i really want to be a sex therapist.
i had a lot to write on this last night.
or when ever i posted this?
but now i dont. and that makes me angry.






im on the phone.
so its hard to explain this.
but.
yeah.





im scared to google things about sex therapy because im afraid porn will pop up and give me virusses.
if anyone wants to do that for me. thank you. :]

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tonight i went to sugar browns with john, jordan, and haley. it was quite a fun group, and im pretty sure john was a bit high. but thats john. hes a stoner now.

anyways, he took us all home, me last, since i havent seen him in a million years. and we were just sitting, not talking, and the windows were down and the music was up to like 45, and it was nice. it makes me remember why hes my best friend. because there was no awkwardness, no tension, and i couldnt stop smiling. because i love him. i love love love him.


my emotions for john has transformed so much over the last year or so. when i first re-met him i was crushing inexplicably, and lunch every day gave me butterflies. and then he was my best friend that i wanted to be with. and now hes just my best friend that i love.

and he still is, if only honorarily. because we can have moments like tonight.



theyre very nice.

they remind me why i cant just delete him from my life.

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weyulllllllllll.
i finally got over ryan. probably on like, friday. i was like 'hey. this is great. im over him!'
then he started texting me.
and i thought 'wow, how did i not notice that he's been playing me hot and cold since day one?'
first he picks me flowers.
then he ignores me.
then he texts me telling me how much he misses me.
then he fails to keep in touch.
then he gets mad when he finds out about boone.
then all of a sudden were talking every night.
then its over.
then he texts me again. saying 'hey beautiful.



then he calls me monday night. and tells me that he might be coming into town soon and we should talk more.
then he calls me last night. we're having a normal conversation when he says something like 'hannah, do you really want to be talking to me? because if you dont, i understand. i mean, are you still angry at me? because i know you were really upset and angry, and if you still are, you have every right to be.'

i didnt know what to say. i was tired. i was really tired. like, i didnt know what to say. so i said, 'ryan, i loved you. i loved you. but im not angry.' great responce, i know.

'well, you should be, because im a dick. i screwed everything up. but i havent been able to think about anything but you for the past month. and im sorry.'

'you have nothing to be sorry for.' wtf, yes he does? but w/e, i still said that.

'yeah, i do actually.'


i dont remember what happened next? anyway, it got to the point where he said something like 'i know we can't do this until there's certainty that i'll get to see you more often, like at least every month.'


'what are we doing now then?!'



'i dont know. what do you want us to be doing?'



i had no answer. what do i say to that? what DO i want us to be doing? not talking, but now that we are, i cant just stop. he's ever so addicting. im not sure what i said to that. but he said he would call me back tonight. and he hasnt.


bahg, the end.

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ive just had nothing other than petty boy drama going on.
its all crap ill look back on and either be embaressed or too nostalgic.
so im not even writing it down.






texas laws are the devil.
ive had my permit for six months in december. i got it through hometaught in july. but then i couldnt do the whole driving thing, because i cant learn how to drive on a standard. and thats all we have. and so we cancelled hometaught.

well, monday night, i went in to sign up for drivers ed so i could do the driving part.

"ive got bad news guys. once you cancel home taught everything that you did with home taught is cancelled."

no liscence until may.

no life for the last three weeks of november, except on saturdays and sundays.


so no birthday party until december.
even though my birthday's november 8.
but we cant get our farm cleaned up by that weekend.
and everyones expecting a big farm party.
and i dont have any other ideas anyway.




okay, thats all of interest that i could think to put. i apologize.

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i found out today that caffeinated drinks are not good for me, because caffeine lows make me depressed.





im silly.


i need to stop being so boy crazy.
i need to get into academic algebra 2, because its raping me every monday/wednesday, first thing in the morning.
thats more rape than i can take.



rape is not a funny subject. i need to stop taking it so light-heartedly. because thats very disrespectful to anyone who has been raped.



hmm.
this is over. im too tired.

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i was going to ellaborate but it was two in the morning, and i had to call travis and talk about our emotions.





so ever since the beginning of the school year ive been holding in emotions about my unhappiness with school.
then when ryan broke up with me, i started to bottle up even more.
then lately ive had a lot of emotions, but i couldnt find a way to express them, other than being mean to my parents and freshmen.
and i couldnt cry.


one thing about me is, i have to cry. i have to have that release.
but i cant cry. i couldnt cry.

so i finally made myself watch garden state, becuase i knew i would cry.
and i did.
but since i cried about the movie, and not things i need to cry about, i still have that stupid numb feeling, where i need to release but i cant.






alrighty. thats it.

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