i think i have mono.

the subtle version, that makes you just tired and depressed.



bleck.




henrys confusing me. its hard to actually have a real conversation with him lately, all he wants to talk about is making out.




id rather make out when im making out, and talk about life ect when im talking. because i mean, im all for the physical part of a relationship.

but i like the relationship part alot too. the whole i can talk to you about anything in the world and we can laugh about everything.



yes, i know, im only in highschool, and only a freshman, and shouldnt be setting so much on this.


its just that...

idk.



i could talk to kris so easily.




and i used to be able to talk to henry really easily. now its just...


we dont have anything to talk about. we exhausted our topics of conversation. and i dont know how.


kris and i could talk for ever. for a year and a half.

we played the question game. he talked back. we talked about our friends and our lives and what upset us and what made us happy.





and i dont see why thats not happening with henry. it could happen with henry.


its just not.




and im not sure if its my fault... if maybe im not putting in enough effort or something? if maybe im not talking because somewhere inside of me im comparing everything he says or does to kris, and ive just decided that hes not as good or something.



but it cant be that, not exactly.


im not sure what it is. but i know i can have a relationship where i talk.



i mean. jon. justin. those were relationships where we would stay on the phone til 530 in the morning.



henry hasnt called me once.




thats always what it comes down to for me. i like it when guys call me. because after the first few awkward moments, usually the conversations are really fun.




but he hasnt called me.



but.



im not sure what im saying now.



im tired.

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kris is the boy i liked for over a year and a half.


we have a history.


a history where i liked him straight for that whole time, and he liked me on and off, and then we finally went on a date but couldnt get tickets so we went home, and then he stopped talking to me.





stopped.



and not only did i have an incredibly large crush upon him, i considered him to be one of my best friends. when he stopped talking to me i went from having a crush on him, to being just crushed.


hes talked to me every now and then, to ask for money, and ive pretty much gotten over him.



he asked me for money on friday. we were all walking to lunch after school and i was holding hands with henry. and he came up behind me and asked to borrow a dollar. and he was being flirty and touchy like he used to be. only i was holding hands w/henry. and then last night he called me.


he called me.



on the telephone. and we talked. and it was like we used to talk. i mean, maybe my voice was high like it gets around people i dont know as well. but we were talking. he was telling me about this girl he was supposed to go to the movies with. and then that he was getting a car. and we talked about our plans for the next day.


and we talked.


and i dont get it.


"hey hannah, its kris. i saw you put a bulletin on myspace to call you, so i decided i would."


how many bulletins have i put up saying to call me before? and how many times has he not called me? too many.



i dont understand. why now?


"so are you dating that guy henry?"


yeah. yeah, i am. and you arent going to make me change my mind about that. i wont let you.


because that would suck.

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kris called me today.






need i say more?

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okay. so. my dad picks me up. as soon as i get home i call amy and tell her i need a friend night. so amy, evan, and i all go to a rape benefit thing. its a show on the tech campus, and the music was really good, but the talkers got to be kind of scary. we kind of left in the middle of it and waled through the campus to get to the downtown area. at which point we walked to one guy and had pizza for dinner. it was delicious.

then we walked to starbucks and i swear to god, almost got run over. it was scaryyyy.


anyhow, at starbucks, we gossipped over coffee/iced chai/a nasty smoothie, and evan asked amy who she liked. well, uh, she likes him. and she wasnt gonna tell him with me sitting there. cuz i mean, hello, awkward.

so we take him home and they drop me off, and i tell her to call him and tell him then call me.



fjdkal;. at this point, i am seriously pissed at evan.



anyway, i also talked to henry and we decided to keep the pda down alot more.

only i had a dream just now when i took a nap, and it was seriously lacking in pda. and it felt kind of wrong.

thats probably cuz im just used to it by now.





yeah. that was yesterday. partyyyy.

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it started off pretty fantastic. i mean, really fantastic.

i held henrys hand and we pretty much just stood there not talking, but it was nice, you know? i felt comfortable and not awkward. awkward as in... not like, oh, this is awkward. but awkward like, oh god, i just tripped and embarresed myself because im an awkward person. well, it wasnt either of those. this paragraph makes no sense.


anyway, then amy and i skipped our first periods [first time either of us have ever skipped, can i get a HOORAY?] to go to ronnies class and watch billy madison.

thats assault, brotha!...... do you double dog dare me?


best line in the whole thing. though i also liked the 'get up off your ass and find the fucking dog!' part. as well as 'you aint cool, unless you pee your pants!' adam sandler makes me happy.

anyway, then we went to paper arts, where jennifer had cupcakes which she shared and they were tasty.


and heres where it takes a turn. this turn is a funnyyyy turn. but its still a turn.

im sitting in music jamm, drawing, because i always do, and a semi cute guy comes in and stands by me, because i sit at the desk next to the teachers desk. and he looks at my paper and hes like 'bored?'

yes, actually, i am...

so i said that i was, and he was like 'well, im here for help with algebra.'

good for you...

so then he gets his algebra hwk or w/e it is, and takes it to my desk and pulls up a chair, and sits himself down to use my desk.



and thennnn he starts typing me little 'notes' on his calculator.


'hey im mikal.'

so i write on my paper 'im hannah.'

and he types my name into the calculator. wtf? yes, that is my name. im aware of that. i mean, what do you say to that?
i didnt have to say anything, because then he said 'your cute.' no he did not spell youre right.
'thank you. whatsup?'

'nm, i have a job interview later on, so lil nervous.'

'oh, well, good luck. where at?' <-- i was being polite.

'district attornies office. homicide.'

uh, do what? i didnt have anything to say to that so i just sat there, and finished working on my drawing. i had on my ipod, so it was pretty easy to just let it go. until he wrote down his number.


'sorry, i have a bf.'

'friends ONLY!'

'okay, cool.'


so yet again, back to my picture. its pretty good, and im listening to a good song, so im into it. and this guy keeps kicking me. and im thinking 'wtf, i dont want to play footsies with you, i have a boyfriend.' so i pull my feet back. and then he keeps tapping his pencil so i look up and hes typed something else on his calculator.


'how serious are you and this dude?'


honestly? i dont know. i have no idea how serious we are. but i take a guess, and write down 'pretty damn serious' in cursive. because that was how i was writing on my picture.

and guess what he types back...


'cant read cursive.'


wtf? youre in highschool. and you cant read cursive. and i know its not because hes mentally challenged in any way. i asked rotc guys in my homeroom if they knew him, and they said they did. and they said he wasnt challenged at all, except for being flat out idiotic.

anyway, so i write [in perfect print] 'were pretty serious.'

'damn. will you just give me a chance to win a date?'


NO! I HAVE A BOYFRIEND! so i write out this speel about how im really happy right now blablabla not about to fk it up blablabla you seem really nice blablabla but NO.

'please?'


'no, sorry.'



thank god for the end of class.

anyway, then in homeroom we just talked about him and his creepiness and the fact that he got kicked out of frenship for molestation. ewhhhhh.


then we walked to wendys for lunch and i had fries and a frosty. i cant eat around guys for some reason. well, thats a lie. i cant eat around guys that i like. because then i think about 'oh my god, what if i kiss him and my mouth tastes gross?' yes, i am lame. i am sooo lame.

but fries and frosties are both fattening. so i was semi-full. and dont worry, i had a big dinner. that part comes later.

anyway, he kept kissing me and stuff, and i said 'youre gonna get us kicked out again' [we got kicked off of the quesos premisses for excessive pda. he instigated it, not i. im not a big pda fan.] and he said 'i know. i just cant help it.'

which i mean, is really sweet. but im pretty much positive that the people we were eating with, the baby at the table over, and the grandparents at the table behind us did not want to see that.


and so we walked to the icecream shop, which is about five or six blocks away. it was a really nice day, and i was wearing shorts. so it was nice.


and then there was lots of more pda that i felt really bad about. then we walked to gracies, and he stopped in the park and started kissing me.


and my grandparents live across the park. and their van was in the carport. they couldve walked out and seen us!


they couldve been like... hey, hannah has those shorts. and hannah has that hair color. and hannah has that bag... OH, OH MY GOD!

and told my parents that i was sucking face in a completely public place. which i mean, the park is better than freaking quesos or wendys or the icecream cave.

or gracies house, where he was practically feeling me up and giving me a hicky in a tiny room in front of four other people.

and we were playing with the wii, and i have no idea how i won, because he was trying to make out the whole time.

then my dad got there and picked me up and things got alot better.

and im outie, ill do the rest in a part two or something. because this is a really long entry, and i still have alot to go.

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i havent talked to wendy in such a long time.


so talking to her on the phone tonight, even if it was just for 20 or 30 minutes, made me happy.


because thats how our friendship used to be. and i guess how it still is.


see, i cant talk on the phone w/many people. it ends up getting awkward and quiet. but w/wendy we can talk about anything. and we do.




yay for friends. :]

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