In the summer Madison and I spent a few hours one day talking about our crazy ass dysfunctional families. Want to hear bits and pieces of mine? What I learned today? I know you doooo.



I went to my aunt Kelly's house for Christmas Eve today. She's actually my step aunt; my Papaw is my Mamaw's second husband and of no blood relation to me. So the only person there I was literally related to was Mamaw. So I'm sitting by her in the dining room, where all the women typically go. My Papaw's sister, Janie, and her daughter, Suzanne (who has a massive lazy eye that makes her look like she's giving everybody the stink eye) shot daggers at Mamaw all through the lunch. Mamaw and I decided to leave early to go see a movie.

We were driving back to her house talking about how rude Janie and Suzanne had been to us, when Mamaw brought this up:

"You know, Janie and Suzanne act just like eachother, and look just like eachother, even though Suzanne's adopted. She doesn't know she is though."


WTF?! Who doesn't tell their children that they're adopted?!


So I come home and relay this information to my parents. My mom responds with, "Oh my God. That family is so neurotic. You know, Tammy [my favorite aunt, another step-aunt, Papaw's first child] doesn't know her real birthday because her mom and dad were pregnant before they were married. She doesn't know she doesn't know her real birthday."




These are just two of the oddities that that side of my family expresses. My uncle Joe, a real uncle, is probably not my Grandfather's son. But no one knows for sure. He also has hepititis, but I don't know which letter. He's a huge druggie. But whatevers.

My uncle Tim, on the other hand, another real uncle, probably has a nasty nasty skeleton in the closet. Why would he be so judgemental, otherwise? This is Madison's dad, so we don't talk about that, obviously.





Then we can take a look at my dad's side of the family. My dad is crazy psycho, that's for sure. Then so his brother Van. He thinks he can talk to Gorillas.







:]

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Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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1) I enjoy having friends that are simply friends so very much. I hung out with John again tonight, which was fantastic. We did absolutely nothing worthwhile, and while I find him ridiculously gorgeous, I wasn't overcome with the raging desire to make out with him. Glad I've finally gotten over that. Also, we decided to be Narwhales for Halloween next year.
That's right.

2) I tell everyone that I don't think I could handle a relationship right now, but that's entirely wrong. I just couldn't handle a relationship with Bryan right now. If someone I actually liked liked me enough to be serious, I would not have a problem being loyal. But I don't like Bryan in the least.

3) I'm trapped in this non-relationship with him, and it's freaking me out.

4) I have a highly highly addictive heredity. So does Katharine, so does Steven, and so does Amy. That's probably why we get along so well.

5) But unlike the three of them, my addictions are sporadic. I'll become enamored with something for a few weeks, then decide that I no longer care for it.

6) This is probably a different type of personality disorder.

7) At the moment, I am re-addicted to lists. I think right now, though, that's because they're so simple and organized. My life is chaotic at the moment, and making lists of things helps to put it in perspective and make me feel as though I have some control.

8) I am out of school for the next two weeks!

9) So many things that I will and will not be able to predict will happen in those two weeks. I'm look forward to them with a certain amount of dread.

10) Done.

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I am actually not going to do a list, even though if I was speaking out loud I would be. But the "Reasons" lists sound best when spoken, not read. I'll just explain, instead.


I met Steven towards the end of summer. One day I was driving around with Buddy and we decided to go to Sugar Brown's. Steven was sitting on the patio, and Buddy and Steven knew eachother to an extent, so we sat down with them.

I thought Steven was mean, but I vied for his attention.

Back up. I met Steven once before that, when I went to hang out with Nathan one night. Steven was recording and Nathan was just keeping him company, but he was very bored. I sat in my car with Nathan, then gave the two of them a ride to a gas station for drinks. Steven sat in the back, and, as I had Simon at the time (cries!), he made some comment about my back seat being hard to get a lay in. Nathan and I laughed.

Anyhow, a few weeks later when Buddy and I were hanging out with Steven, Buddy went inside to get a drink and Steven said something about the brief thing Nathan and I had had.

Immediately we were friends.

Nathan and Amy had multitudes of classes together, and he began to leech onto her. He used her for rides. It became far from uncommon to find the four of us, Steven because he was Nathan's best friend, me because I am Amy's, Nathan because he used Amy for rides, and Amy because she gave Nathan rides, at Sugar Brown's together.

If you look into my archives you can find something about a love triangle and how amused I was.



I'm not sure when it was, but sometime around there Steven and I became close friends. He dated Lyndsey. (Fuck Lyndsey, Idk what her problem is, but that's another story.) I still liked him. But I liked him with Lyndsey, too.

Then Dirk came onto the scene.
Dirk the Jerk.
Thank you Dirk, for ruining everyone's lives.
It can all be traced back to Dirk.

Dirk liked Lyndsey.
Dirk did all he could to steal Lyndsey away.
This upset Steven.
So Steven got high with us.
We, Amy, Katharine, and I, were not high. But he was.

That's when he started hitting on Katharine.

Two days later, Lyndsey broke up with Steven for Dirk. The Jerk. One letter off from Dick. Dirk the Dick. -ahem-

Steven was upset. But it was okay, we had a plan. A plan we had. The next week was Thanksgiving Break, and Katharine and Amy and I had planned on it being our sober action week. We invited Steven along on our quest for sober action. We decided to finish sober action week with a night of drunk action.

Steven would not be involved in the drunk action. He would be our designated driver. Steven used to be an alcoholic. We could not have that.




Then I decided I didn't want to drink, and he took advantage of that, and drank.

A lot.



What happens next doesn't really matter. All that matters is that he's changed. Now he drinks every weekend. And gets high. And I mean, whatever, more power to you, drink all you want, it's your choice, not mine.

Except it changes who he is when he's sober, too. Now all he can think about is where he's gonna get his next alcohol. Or when he's gonna get high again.

And how he can get Katharine.




Used to, he had the most amazing thoughts. Real thoughts, that were powerful, and provoking. They weren't about beer or liquer or weed. They were about life and the world and everything.





He told me once that he liked Katharine more than me because of her thought process. Because he and Katharine had a similar thought process.


Now he doesn't have much of a thought process at all.

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... a continous faker.
... a self distructor.
... a disaster.

Hannah is...
... hungover.
... upset.
... sorry.

Hannah wants...
... to be cool.
... to be calm.
... to be collected.

Hannah wants...
... to be happy.

Hannah...

... got drunk last night. I thought, hey, maybe if I don't get that drunk, I'll actually have fun. It didn't work out that way.

Hannah...

... ended up hugging Bryan and crying for half an hour. Or what felt like it. While Steven threw a beer bottle on the street and yelled about how shitty his life is and how he wants Katharine soooo bad and how he had to grow up too fast and blablabla.

Hannah is...

... really tired of his antics. Really upset that it's her fault he's drinking again. If I had chosen to drink last weekend, he would have chosen not to. But I decided being sober would be fun because I could hook up with some guy I'll never see again, and I let him drink.
And this weekend he wouldn't let us not let him.
This afternoon he called to make sure I was feeling alright. I think he remembers a little bit more about this weekend than last. I think he remembers how angry I got at him towards the end.

Bryan and I had been standing maybe 20 yards away from them, and we were in this neighborhood that no cops ever go to because it's outside the city limits. It was dark and quiet and peaceful, and the stars were the most spectacular thing I've seen in a while.

Then I heard voices. I know I was drunk, but I know I heard voices. There is a difference between someone yelling and dogs barking. So we got in our cars and left. Bryan with Shane; Amy, Kath, Steven and I together.

Steven wouldn't shut up. Whine whine whine, complain complain complain. And I just sat there thinking fuck, fuck, fuck. I was tired of liking him, tired of wanting him, tired of him in general. Then he decides he wants us to all see "The Spot". So he directs Amy to this place on the golf course with a bridge and water and reflections and ducks. It was cold cold cold and I was still drunk and stumbly and we decided to go back. Steven and I obviously couldn't walk as fast as Amy and Kath, because we were drunk and they were not, so we were walking beside eachother.

Me: Why do you like Katharine?
Steven: It's the thought process.
Me: -long period of silence- What's wrong with my thought process?
Steven: -another long period of silence- I'm too drunk to answer that question.

Whatever. I decided right then to stop liking him.

So we go to drop Steven off at Nathan's, and he comes and gives each of us a kiss on the cheek, then he goes to Katharine and kisses her on the mouth like 17 times. Really just like 3. But whatever.

She doesn't like you Steven. Get over it. Stop being so goddamn pushy, it's a real turn-off. She doesn't like that when she's around you she drinks and smokes and does things that she wouldn't normally do.






Whatever. I don't know why I'm so upset about it. Thinking about liking him right now really makes me sick. I'm really unhappy with him at the moment. I told him I didn't want him to drink anymore. I really wish what I thought mattered to him a little bit more. I really wish he understood that not only do I like him, I love him, and I care for him, and I want him to be safe and happy, and I want him to be sober. I like him so much better sober.



I like me a lot better sober, too.

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-Focus on other people's problems to distract myself from my own problems.
-Stress eat unhealthy foods.
-Spend my money too fast.
-Stay up too late.
-Smoke too many cigarrettes.
-Want only the things that I know are inaccessable.
-Do things that I am certain I will regret later on.







Welcome to the friend zone.

"Why dont i get text all day long? If youre going to be in my best friend crew i need more texts."

Best friend crew. That's where I am.

It's not that I don't consider him a best friend, because I do, 100%.
It's just that he knows I like him.

Maybe he doesn't remember asking me if I liked him, or what he said when I asked if the only time he'd want me was when he was drunk.


Sometimes, you don't realize the people who're perfect for you until it's too late.

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