they have no idea what they're doing, though.
see, now that I don't have time to have fun, I end up just sneaking out my window at about 1130 and staying out until about 4. if my curfew was still one, I would probably be down with going home at one and sleeping.
I did wake up at 8 today, that was totally awesome. so it shouldn't be tooo hard for me to get up at 630, once I start actually sleeping. so yeah. good?


I'm sneaking out again tonight. so um. yeah. awesome?! probably.


my life is so weird. I don't understand it at all.


I think I'm a bit manic depressive/bipolar. Probably more bipolar than manic depressive. or maybe just an angsty hormonal teen. it's just that my moods shift so much over stupid things. I'm really touchy. I need to get a new therapist who's respect I don't desire so much. like someone I can actually tell about all my shit. like how I sneak out and drink and smoke and sex and lie and mood shift.

yep, definitely sounds like I'm just an angsty hormonal teen.

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it�s sad to me that summer is coming to an end and the beauties of it are only now becoming clear. why are we so convinced that thrill is equated only to alcohol and drugs? it�s glorious to float on my back and look up at the stars, voices hollow around me, thoughts happy inside of me. it�s glorious simply to be, and to be alive in the moment.

here�s to a good senior year, one full of star-bathing and swimming at night until the snows take hold, and one full of warmth, both inside and out: the warmth of a hot cup of coffee, the warmth of s�mores on an open fire, the warmth of friendship.

this year will be grand, I can tell.

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he drove you home from a party when you were a bit too tipsy to ride your bike (and by tipsy I mean literally tipsy. I tipped over...).
you have similar taste in music and movies.
he takes you on dates.

good reasons not to be "bee-eff/gee-eff" with this guy:
you don't have any good reasons to do so.



I mean seriously, I don't even know if I like this kid. there's nothing in particular that I DISLIKE (I just found out that my macbook won't let me italicize words on nutang...) about him, he's just not... I don't know. not my type? then what is my type?
oh, right, assholes.
that's probably it. I don't have to call him a jerk every five minutes. it makes for a lack of conversation. instead we just watch movies all the time.

Idk. I mean, he doesn't talk to me in a baby voice like Matt did, and he's probably the least dramatic person ever. So that's good. and cuddling with him is really nice. (kissing him is weird, though, he bites my lips too much. seriously. I have like three sores in my mouth from mackin' with this guy.) It's just like, we rarely even talk about things, other than music and movies. and I justify myself in liking Daniel because that's all he and Yash talked about, so surely they didn't have a meaningful relationship, and it's okay.
plus he thinks my best friend is weird, because one time while I was gone she was at a party at his house and got way more wasted than she should have and he had to take her home. she was licking his neck and calling him by the wrong name the whole ride home. (that's cause I'm the only drink counter on the planet, apparently, and since I was out of town she didn't have anyone to keep a check on her)

but who knows. whatever. that's the point of dating, right? to see if you really want to be with a person or not. casual dating.
just right now I don't know if we're casual dating or serious dating. like, am I allowed to go get coffee with Ben? who knowssss. life is weird. and it's weird that all of life is a learning experience. like, you live your life and learn every second of it and then die. there's got to be an afterlife or something where you can actually put that knowledge to use, right?
hey, perhaps I've touched upon something?




I've been acting so stoned the last two days, even though I'm completely sober... last night driving home from Jose's, I got really hungry and realized we have no midnight snack-foods at my home, so I spent ten minutes in 711 deciding on ice cream to get. I chose a Klondike bar, and some hot and spicy cheez-its. when I got home I still hadn't finished my ice cream, and after finally unlocking my door and getting inside, I dropped my phone on the floor, where the battery fell out. I just stared at it for a few minutes trying to decide what to do and wondering why I was acting so blown. and now I'm coming up with all this philosophical stuff. weird.


ps, school starts in less than 2 weeks. ick. but senior year? yay!

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Vagabond Opera
Company of Thieves
Passion Pit



others. I'll update this list as I think of them.


Instead of buying new music by them, I'll have to buy gas, instead. I sad. :[ But it's life.

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I'll be going in with a nice neat little 4.0 GPA.
people who are very happy with this: me.



I'm trying to find a way to go to DFest this weekend. it's in Tulsa, which is where my friend Rahul lives, so I've got the whole eating thing covered. I've also got the whole tickets thing covered. they're $53 and I have $58 in my checking account. heh. I would sleep in the car, roam about Tulsa with Rahul and whoever goes with me, then go to the shows with them. All I need is someone to share the drive with. Nick is asking his parents tonight, hopefully they're down with it.

this is an incredibly impromptu road trip to DFest, where I would get to see one of the WashU kids I was close with. That's 2 and 1/13th of the list I made of 30 things to do before I'm 30. I hope it works out.

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I should have written more.

If not here, if not in the blog I made for my parents to read, I should have written more in my journal.

Five weeks, and I'm not the same person anymore. Five weeks, but I couldn't ever put it into words.

Five weeks, and I will never be ready for it to be over.



I was afraid at the beginning. I was unhappy at the beginning.


Now I'm afraid and unhappy because going home means facing reality. Going home means going back to the grind. Going home means, probably, falling back into the same old habits.



This is as close as I've come to being where I want to be. This is as close as I've come to disappearing.



I can't wait to do it again.










Now, sans poetry, got my SAT scores back. 2030. is it worth re-taking? I did great on the reading/writing portions, but only got 590 on math. I don't know. We'll see.

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