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School only on Monday and Tuesday.

First time I've ever snuck out of my own house was Tuesday night.

Wednesday I snuck out again, to do something entirely innocent and watch the stars.
Before sneaking out on Wednesday, Bryan was fireman carrying me at a playground. He took a step backward and BAM! my head hits a poll.
I told him to put me down and sat on the ground laughing for a minute straight, until the pain was gone.
Now I have a bruise, but I don't really care.

Thanksgiving was lame, obviously. I'm not very family oriented.


Today I woke up at "the asscrack of dawn" (thank you urbandictionary) to by an outfit for Aca Deca Monday night. See, I didn't want to get up so early, but I knew that if I waited, everything would be gone.

I spent $54 on a dress and a cardigan. I did not need to spend that much money on Black Friday. The dress wasn't even on sale.

Got home and slept till 1:00, then sat around until Amy and I decided to go on an Asian Food adventure. We went to Thai Thai and then the Oriental Market. It was exciting. I got Thai Tea at Thai Thai, like I do every single time I go there, then at the Oriental Market I found that they have Thai Tea mix! Sooo good!

Went to Sugar's, like we always do, and Esteban and Griffin showed up.
These are new, cute friends of mine. Then Devin and Matt showed up. Also new cute friends. Different Matt than the one I was talking to, who decided to quit talking to me, entirely. -ahem-
Anyway, so I get this text from a random number that I don't have stored saying, "so ur cute". Which is annoying, because there's no punctuation or correct spelling or anything, but whatevers.
Turns out it's Griffin, which is annoying, because he could have just said that to my face.
But whatevers.
He made me wear his jacket, it was funny.


This entry sounds petty and stupid. It's just that right now, I feel like I'm really alive. I feel like I'm living the crap I've been fed by television and movies all my life. I feel like I'm in high school, finally.


And I love it.

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I wrote a really pretty entry then ctrl+a+deleted it. It's not my story to tell.

You know what makes so little sense to me?
I can cry at the stupidest things. Driving off with my breakfast on top of my car and shattering a mug had me crying not only on my way to school, but during school as well. Books, movies, you name it, it'll make me cry. Trauma does that, too.

But when it comes to something serious, something really and truly tear worthy, I can't cry. It's not that I don't feel awful, but it's that the tears just won't come.


Steven was saying he has that problem too. Not that he cries at stupid things, but that he can't ever cry. He'll be in a sad situation, and think of all the sad things he can on top of it, and just feel like he's about to cry, but then he can't.






Last night he did.
Last night he cried and told us some things that made my heart shatter, really.
Last night Amy and Katharine cried too.

I couldn't cry.

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EDIT:

I forgot probably the funniest part of the night!!!

After Amy went to bed Matt and Garret and I were in his room talking, and Matt decided he was really hungry, so he got up, went to the kitchen, came back, and had to step over me to get back to his pillow.

Matt: Man, I'm getting too old. I never want to bend over anymore.
Garret: Dude I know, and my knees always hurt!
Me: ...That's what she said?

----

And I have a good story.

Last night Amy and I planned to have a night full of fun. AKA alcohol. Because there isn't much else to do in Lubbock. So I said I was staying at her house and she said she was staying at Katharine's. Probably we should let Katharine know this went down.

Basically I'm gonna cut out all the fluff and just say that we stayed the night at Matt's house. Amy was drunk, I was not.

She is soooo funny when she's drunk.

I got to Matt's house and she got there a few minutes later, and we sat around for a bit, then he gave us blankets and he and Garret went to his room.

Amy talked my ear off, and eventually Matt texted me: "Are y'all ever going to sleep?"

I said: "Maybe eventually. Are we keeping you awake?"

He said: "No, we can't sleep either."

So Amy and I went into his room, but she left soon after to sleep.


I was up until 5:30 am talking with him and Garret. The weird thing about it was that it felt so right. I mean, it should have felt so so wrong, staying at some guys house, in his room no less, but I felt so comfortable.

Except for when Matt almost hit me in the face. I didn't realize we were lying so close together.

It was so cold, if we could have just cuddled I would have been so happy.

But maybe then it wouldn't have felt as right?


I don't know.


This morning after I got home he texted me.

Matt: You get home okay?
Me: Yeah, I'm nice and warm in my pjs. Thank you so much.
Matt: You're in pjs?
Me: Yeah, I hate wearing jeans haha.
Matt: You should have told me, I would have let you borrow some shorts or something.
Me: It's okay, I had some in my car. My pants were warmer though.
Matt: I have more blankets and such...
Me: It's fine. I appreciate the fact that you let us stay over more than you could imagine.
Matt: Well, you could have used me.
Me: What's that supposed to mean?
Matt: I'll let you decide.
Me: Believe me, it was tempting.
Matt: How so?
Me: Oh. You know.
Matt: No I don't, elaborate.
Me: I was cold and you looked warm and stuff.
Matt: Oh. Too bad there was no drunken stupor for you to ask. (He was talking about when I was drunk and asked if I could sit on his lap)
Me: Oh geez. Would you rather me have been in a drunken stupor?
Matt: No, I'm just giving you a hard time.
Me: I know haha.
Matt: Trust me, tempting was not even close to the way.
Me: Is that so? I couldn't tell.
Matt: really


THEN HE DIDN'T USE PUNCTUATION SO I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT HE MEANT! So all I said was "Really. Hmm." and he hasn't texted back.


















I feel like a seventh grader...

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This weekend was... interesting?

Friday I went to SB's around 6-ish. and saw people here and there. You know, just chatted it up. Had four cups of coffee. Then Amy and I went to the Bright House, and met new people and hung out with other people who we already knew. And then one of our new friends had vodka and Amy had quite a bit.
At midnight I didn't have a curfew, but I had a killer headache. I entrusted Brickland and Nick with monitoring Amy's well being and took Nathan home, because Amy was obviously in no fit state to drive, and then headed home.
I found this lovely flat screen monitor chilling on my desk.
I went to bed. This was about 1:00 AM.

I couldn't sleep.

I couldn't sleep.

I couldn't sleep until 3:30.

My alarm went off and Corina called me at 7:00 AM.
I got ready, went to Corina's house, and then we went to breakfast.
It was delicious. Then we went to Barnes and Noble and read a bit. Then I took her home, and went to the library to study for Aca Deca. This was at about noon.

We studied a bit, then decided to go get food and meet up at SB's. Before we left Nick and I stood by my car chatting for a bit.

Conversation:

Me: So what happened after I left last night?
Nick: (this is extremely editted, but you get the gist) One thing lead to another, Amy and I were at my grandma's house, and we ended up making out. Then she told me about how last week she got drunk at a party and had sex with some guy (that was really just a week ago?) and I decided that I didn't really want to have any part in this if that's all it was.
Me: That's not all it was. We've talked about you before, I think she actually likes you.
Nick: Yeah, I'm just now realizing that.

So we all go get food and then go to SB's.
Where I locked my keys in my (RUNNING) car.
So Nick and I talked more while we were waiting for the locksmith.
I had talked to Amy and she was pretty upset, but then I was more upset and not very much help because I was freaked out about my car.
He said he liked her a lot.

Hmmm. Anyway. I went over to her house before dinner so we could discuss all of this, and we did. She said that while he was really sweet and stuff, he was just so. dang. awkward.

Which I can definitely see.

Anyway, then I went to pick up Stephen and went to Olive Garden with Yashvi, Steven, Lindsey, Amy, and Stephen. I love them. All. Even though Yashvi has zero tact. -sigh-

I love them all except for Yashvi, whom I love also, but not right now.

Then I took Stephen home.
We talked about smoking, then about being sick, then that lead to him being sick a lot last year, which was caused by him getting about three hours of sleep a night because he would stay up until 3 and have to be at swimming at 7.

Conversation:
Me: Why did you stay up until 3?!
Stephen: I had stuff to do.
Me: Like talk to Jennifer?
Stephen: And other stuff.
Me: But mostly talk to Jennifer.
Stephen:
Me: I'm sorry, that was mean.
Stephen: Yeah, it was. It kind of hurt.
Me: Well, I- (silence goes here)
Stephen: No, no, go on.
Me: It kind of hurt when you stopped talking to me to talk to her, so anything I have to say about her will be a biting remark.
Stephen: Yeah, anything I have to say to her would be pretty biting as well.


Amy and Lindsey and Steven and I met up at SB's. Robert told me he was at a show at the Brighthouse and we should go up there, so we did.

Robert wasn't there.
Amy and I weren't having any fun, so we decided to leave.

I asked Matt if he wanted to hang out, and he said he'd text me later. Robert asked if we could hang out "late" which I didn't mind, as I didn't have a curfew(!). Except that we were really bored. And tired. So we sat in her car for a long time, then he told us to meet him at Murfee park. So we went there, and then sat in my car with him for about an hour.

He had whiskey with him.
Amy had some.




Amy drinks a lot of booze.


I didn't feel good, I'm sick, so I went home.


This morning, I went to church and felt like crap.
Then we went to Pei Wei for family birthday lunch.

Then I went to Aca Deca to study, but only Will and Will and Jared and Heath and I were there, and none of us are A-kids, so nothing got done. At all. In fact, all we did was talk about how funny it would be to get the whole team stoned for our next meet. Among other things. That was the funniest part though.

Then I went home and took a nap, then went to Barnes and Noble to do homework. I finished right when the store closed, it was cool. Then I went to SB's to see if anyone was there, and Shane was. So we talked for a while.

Shane.
Hmm.
Ohhh, Shane.

I don't know if he's only really really touchy on me, or if that's just how he always is. Anyway, we cuddled a bit, but not obnoxiously, just sat close together, because it was really cold. Then he walked me to my car (bear in mind that this was only half an hour ago, and it feels like it was last week) and we talked some more.

Conversation:
Shane: Why did we stop talking? We used to be like best friends.
Me: Yeah we did. And then you got my hopes up that we could be more than that and crushed them, and my mom was like "I hate shane!" and so she wouldn't ever give me rides to hang out with you.
Shane: Awh, I'm sorry. But that was so long ago!
Me: No, that was like last year... Like a year ago exactly.
Shane: What? No! That was while we were still at OL.
Me: No, no, because I liked you a lot and you came to Amy and I's Halloween party and brought Matt, and I was like "I like Shane!" then Matt held my hand and I was like "fuck shane!" (probably I have all of this written down somewhere in the nether reaches of this nutang)
Shane: Ha, see there's your mistake, cause Matt was my best friend.
Me: Well, that was all a big mistake.

This whole time he was sitting in my front seat and I was standing up beside him and he had his arms like around my legs and stuff.


I can't decipher if he really likes me a lot or if he just has an overly active sex drive. Because when I see him he's says things like "Hannah! Oh my gosh! Hey! How are you!?" like he hasn't seen me in years and he's so excited to be able to talk to me now.
And then he's all over me.


-sigh-


Who knows?


Meanwhile, I'm texting Matt.
Here's what I told Andrea about it. It includes stuff I may have said in previous entries, but it's a pretty great summary.
(Note that he texts me first 90% of the time, plz.)




I met a boy, and we flirted a lot, then out of nowhere he said "I had a lot of fun last night, but I have a girlfriend and don't want to lead you on." I said I didn't expect anything, he said I was really attractive. We continued to flirt. A lot. He told me his gf didn't like him going to parties and we met at a party, so obviously he had gone to one. He didn't want his girlfriend to find out blablabla. Last night I was texting him and he said his girlfriend found out about the party and that she was really upset. Then we talked about other stuff. Then I asked if everything was alright and he said no. But I don't remember what happened after that because I was on the verge of sleep, and I don't think it was anything important to the story. Tonight he texted me and I asked him what he'd done today. "Homework, work, and my girlfriend broke up with me."


Okay, I'm done. I meant to decipher all of this out, but now I just really want to go see if I can find entries about Shane and Matt. Haha. Sorry it was long and like something I would have written back then, or before even. I just wanted to get it all on paper. For documentation, you know.

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Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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