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and the thunder is pealing.

I have the house to myself for the next hour or so, and later I'm going to a few house shows with Amy and Natalie.

I need Amy time, but I need that with out Natalie. I love her, but the things I need to tell Amy I need to not tell anyone else. Especially Natalie.

Hell, I don't even want to tell Amy. I actually have a secret, and I've kept it surprisingly well, I just feel obliged to tell her. She told me her biggest secret, and I need to tell her this. I mean, when it happened, I needed her to be in town so that I could stay the night at her house and cry with her and stuff, and also probably drink away my sorrows to an extent. Instead I drove home and cried to Kimya Dawson and the rain and the lightning and myself, and instead of drinking away my sorrows I slept them off, which is probably the better thing. But now that it's happened, I don't want to bring it up again. I just have to. It's like. I'm not even compelled to. I'm just going to force myself to. Because it's Amy.

It's not that I don't want to tell her. Well, maybe it is. But no. I want her to know. I just don't want to tell her. Yeah. That's it.

Anyway... I don't want Natalie to know, because she has a really big mouth.


I don't really want to go to the shows tonight. Idk. I'm just not in a house show mood tonight, I guess. And offering to carpool was probably dumb, because now I can't be like, "hey, I'm gonna go drive around, y'all can stay here if you want, but I'm leaving," because we're all going in one car. Dumbb.



I've been thinking a lot about next year. I want to know my schedule. And I want things to be reliable. I want to have friends I can always turn to and people I can always be with. I don't want my family to crack again, I don't want to have issues with money. I want to bring the same thing to lunch every day, and I want to have a job. I want to actually get A's and B's in everything, and try to stay away from C's. I want to do the same things, but I want the same things to be fun. I want to go to shows often enough that people there start to know me. I want to be known. I want to be happy. I want next year to be a good year.




I still have 8 weeks of summer left.

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1)
I was at this guy's house with someone who was my best friend, that I don't really know in real life. She was going to date this guy who's house we were at, and I was going to date his friend. I asked for alcohol. I don't really know why. We started drinking shots. Then the guy's mom came home. Then the guy turned into Stephen. Then me and Stephen were cuddling. Then Stephen kissed me. Then Stephen started freaking out.

"Oh my god, oh my god, you made me cheat on Jennifer, I can't believe you did that, I can't believe I did that, why did you make me cheat on her?!"

Excuse me? So I yelled back.

"What the fuck is your problem, Stephen? You're the one who kissed me! I didn't make you do anything! And if you have to kiss me because we aren't hanging out enough, then that's all your fault."

Then I went to the backroom and apologized to my best friend and the two guys we were supposed to date.







2)
I was in a dank house, probably the Bright House, but a little shadier. One Wolf was in one room, and Jordan Martin was in town in the other room. They were playing music. It was nice.





3)
It was like a movie. Me and a group of friends were giving alcohol to some ladies. Then my friends started shooting the ladies. And chopping them up. And basically killing them. And then they took most of the bodies and hid them or something, but they left one in our room. I guess it was a dorm room.

Then it happened again, just kind of started over, but this time my friend said something like "Meet Jesus Christ," before she killed the ladies. This friend was the obvious leader of the group. She started off Asian, and really pretty.

They left me in the room with the one body. Then I freaked out and started running down halls screaming "THERE'S A MURDERED BODY IN THERE!" I was just running and running and running, around the campus, trying to get away. I came upon a wall, and my group of friends was sitting on it.

"You just bought yourself a one-way ticket to hell," the leader, who was now very tan and brunnette and bitchy, but no longer Asian, called down to me. Then she pulled out a gun and started shooting at me. I ran around the wall as fast as I could, and I could feel the bullets biting at my heels, but they never got me. The rugby (wtf is rugby, anyway?) team came out, and the captain stood in front to talk to my group of friends. I hoped he would say "I'll show you the power of Christ," or something like that, but then I remembered that the last person who tried that got shot, too.

I kept running and running, and was eventually out of her range. I ran into a girl who used to be in our group of friends. She said that the leader had kicked her out because she wasn't Christian enough. We decided to work to stop the girls.

We ran into the rugby team and they said they would help us. The team captain took a liking to me, and asked us to stay at their house. Apparently they all lived together. I thought his friend was cuter, but I know the way movies work, and I knew I had to like the captain. So we went to his house and ate pizza and stuff. He said something about having to lure the group of friends somewhere or the other, and we were going to plan that.

Next thing I knew, I was at a park with my "brother in arms" and my aunt. We were just sitting, when the group of friends came up and started meditating. I didn't hear much of what they were saying in their chants, I was too busy hiding behind a glove, but I did hear, "We hate Hinduism, we love heroin," as they crossed themselves. Now the leader was blonde and pretty pale and her hair was in a bun on her head. She was becoming a typical stupid prom-bitch as time passed.

She thought she saw someone with hair the same color as mine and told one of her friends to go check it out. It ended up being my Biology teacher from last year, who was also apparently my aunt, and she asked to join the meditative group. She also asked if she could bring a friend. They said sure. They were all wearing saris, so she knew that she could bring me, if I wore the face wrap (I don't think those are actually part of saris...) and we had found our chance to sabotage the group.

The next day we borrowed saris from Yashvi and I spent the whole day learning how to walk in one. I never made it to the meditative group. I was in my grandparent's house and all of a sudden we were being sabotaged by the girls. They were coming after me with guns, and fists, and probably knives, and I just had my sari and couldn't really run, but I was doing my best. I didn't know where anyone on my side was, and the leader, still blonde was on me, and telling me something, and--

My alarm went off. Seriously. I wanted to know what happened soo bad. It was like Mean Girls with a (bloody) twist... Pretty crazy. It had like, a plot and everything. And the whole time I felt like I was just watching a movie. I wasn't really afraid for me life, except for at the very begining. It was pretty cool.

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of house shows and outdoor concerts and watching the stars come out.

People have theories about black holes, but no one really knows what they are, right?

What if a black hole is just whatever you want it to be? What if I fell into a black hole and I was where I wanted to be? Maybe I could find myself in a park with a picnic and some good friends, and maybe music would be playing in the background like a real-life movie, and no one would be playing it, it would just be there.

Maybe I could find myself on a boat with no noise but the waves and the laughter.


Maybe I could find myself in my favorite book, or on stage, or on the moon.




Maybe I could be home, and maybe it could be normal.







That�s what we�re waiting for, that�s what we�re waiting for, that�s what we�re waiting for, all day.

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I just wanted to document that somewhere no one else would find it. I think I'll keep that little tid-bit of humor to myself for now, otherwise.


In case anyone was wondering, Aaron and I were merely discussing whether or not a year and a half is that big of a deal.
I don't know how we got on the naked topic, or why I thought it was quite so funny. I guess I was a bit more tired than I realized.



He gets back in town tomorrow.
Also, Adaly comes to town tomorrow. So I'll go to school, drop off Yash, go spend some time with Addy and Adaly at the mall, then hang out with Allison when they leave. There is a possibility that Aaron will be with us when I'm with Allison. That would be nice.


I got my haircut. 5 inches off. The best part is, it's not really ALL that short. I'd grown it out pretty dang long.



I also got a new camera. So maybe I'll put up some cool pichas later. Maybe.


Not as real of an update as it could have been, I guess.

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for the next few weeks my life is going to suck.

I know that sounds very whiny and mopy but...


1. My dad is manic again.

2. My best friend is going out of town for two weeks today.

3. Aaron's going out of town for a week and a half today.

4. I'm almost out of gas and have no money to buy more.

5. I still have two weeks of summer school left.





1. It's because he's been drinking too much coffee, which is dumb as shit. He should know how to take care of himself and his family. We got in a really big fight yesterday, before I realized, and I was afraid he was going to hit me. It was scary. He didn't though. That was good. But I'm going to expect lots of calls from him telling me that I'm not spending enough time with the family, because I'm going to stay away from here as much as I can.

2. But since I can't basically pack up and move to Amy's, then it's going to be hard. Since I can't hang out with Amy at all, it's going to be hard. It's weird, the way Amy doesn't know anything about my dad. I mean, she's my best friend, I tell her everything, but not this. I just think... Idk, her grandfather had psychological problems, so I think things like this kind of freak her out. So it's the one thing I don't tell her. Idk.

3. And we haven't hung out since our last date, which was like a week and a half ago. Btw, that date went really well.

4. That's another problem I'm going to have, because if I can't drive I'm not sure how I'll get away from here.

5. DEATHHHHHHHHHHHH.

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