Today was the weirdest day of my life...

Not really. I mean, maybe. But it was really really weird.


^{mysweethannahlee (10:55:57 PM):
i got four hours of sleep and was hyper all day.
buddy was actually nice to me. i had choo-chai. i got a makeover.
i went to hooters?!
i went to yashvi's and left before i could have chai.
i went to sb's and had chai?
i read a book in almost entirely ebonics.
i proposed that we feed the ducks while streaking.
i hung out with a senior i don't even know.
i hooked up with kris after 2 1/2 years of waiting.}





Probably my favorite part would be the proposal which I made.


Jordan: I'm bored.
Corina: Let's feed the geese!
Hannah:While streaking!
Sarah: How would we do that?
Hannah: We would tie bags of goosefeed with holes in them to our ankles...
Sarah: And the geese would follow us!
Corina: It would be like a parade!



Jordan didn't appreciate it...




That's all I feel like talking about. :]

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1. Candy Mountain Run - Bruce Hornsby.
2. Three Little Birds - Bob Marley.
3. Don't Worry, Be Happy - Bobby Mcferrin.
4. Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes - Paul Simon.
5. Hakuna Matata - The Lion King.
6. Benny and the Jets - Elton John.



Know of any like those? Really upbeat and fun is what I'm looking for. That would be a really great getting ready CD.





PS: Life is better, because I listen to this kind of music now.

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Yashvi hooked up with John.

It hurts.


I don't have a group I belong to, and that hurts even more.



Like, sometimes I'll realize that, and then I'll get really upset, but then I'll forget it and everything will be good for a while. Then I realize again, and I get even more upset.


I hate cliques. But I want to belong to one so badly.


My best friend is Amy. I can tell her probably anything in the world, but I don't belong with her. Every time I go over to her house, it's more stressed.
It's weird. But I know why it's so stressed.
It's because her house is no longer my second home. It's a different group of people's home now.
I've been replaced.
Not that we aren't still best friends.
I just can't hang out with her when she's with them anymore.
I don't fit in with their group.
Stephen is a best friend of mine, but when he's with Jen, I feel wrong, dirty. Evan is just an asshole to me.
Not to mention it's coupled up and I'm the fifth wheel.
And it's like I cling to Amy when I'm with them, because I don't know what else to do, because I don't fit in with them. I don't get their inside jokes, I don't understand the things that make them all laugh together anymore. I don't have fun when I'm with them.


This breaks my heart more than anything I can think of, because Amy and I used to be the people together who didn't belong. We would drift from lunch group to lunch group, but we would always be together.

There was, I think, one day last year that we were both at school that she didn't eat with me.

Maybe she got tired of me. Maybe I got tired of her, and pushed her away. But now I have no one to be alone with. And it scares the crap out of me.


I'm not saying I'm alone. I have a million friends. I love all of them. I'm not some leper. I just. I need somewhere that I can belong.



There's this girl we used to eat lunch with, named Sam. She's alright. She annoys me sometimes, and she went to a private school until highschool, so she's a bit socially inept. She chews with her mouth open and talks with food in it. She can be kind of bitchy.


But God, that girl is the realest girl I know.


She doesn't change herself to fit in. She fits herself in where ever, and she enjoys where she is. She is a real person, a real human being. She doesn't wear makeup, she doesn't straighten her hair. She doesn't change her beliefs or ideas for anyone.


I wish I could be like her.

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all I have to do is think about how ironic the situation I'm in is.


I think there is more irony in life than there is in literature.
and I know that there is more monotony in life than in literature.
I wish I could find some good, ironic literature to read.

I have, actually, but the vocabulary is too big for midnight reading. I took it to Sugar Brown's today and underlined every word I didn't know the meaning of. one page had 7 words...





people are ever so talented at not knowing how dissapointed they make me feel.

I wish desperately for an older brother.





school starts Monday. I would rather be a paraplegic...

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lately i've been realizing that i don't know who i am. i know the image i live. i know i do almost everything i do to not be like everybody. but i don't know who i am, really.


here's where the realization came from:

the other day, i got out of the shower and accidently kicked my CD player.
the CD player broke.
my stereo has a broken antenna and won't recieve the underground station, so i am now forced to listen to the mainstream station in the shower and while i get ready. i take long showers, and getting ready is a long process. that means i lisetn to a lot of mainstream music.


the worst part is, i'm finding myself liking it.



i've tried for two years to hate mainstream music. i've succeeded. but now i have to listen to it, and not only can i tolerate it, i can sing along.



and i hate that.




because it means i'm not who i say i am. i'm living an image, instead of a life.


it makes me scared. it makes me panic. it makes me anxious. it makes me cry.



so who am i, really?



i'm a scared girl.
i'm perceptive.
i'm intuitive.
i'm good at english, but i've fit that into my image.
i'm so bent on making people feel good.
i'm tired of hate and war because it makes people not feel good.
i'm emotional.
i'm uncordinated.
i'm lacking in the talent department.
i'm lazy.
i'm cursed with an addictive personality.



i don't feel like i belong with any group of people.
i'm a drifter.



i'm hannah.
but i'm not the only hannah i know anymore. i know 3+ other hannahs. so that's not who i am.



who am i?

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the composition i last wrote about got a 3/4. i was proud.



my lips are extremelly chapped.




i went to two funeral's and a killer party over the weekend. i had a little [LITTLE] drank, and i danced more than i ever have. the party was saturday, and my calves still hurt. i also re-involved myself with shane. which was a mistake. but now that i know how to handle it, i'm completely good. he can ignore me or he can make something out of it, i don't really care which.

i actually think he thinks i'm really easy. which i probably have been in the past. but not for him. ewh. i mean, he's my friend and all. and sure, there's a lot of sexual attraction between us. but still. he's such an asshole.


but we would have pretty babies. but then my kids would be assholes too. and i don't want that.


anyway, i'm pretty sure it's nothing, because he hasn't gotten in touch or anything since. which is w/e. i don't really care.






i changed how i hold my pen. cause i used to hold it wrong and my hand started hurting when i wrote the 'composition' or w/e. so now i hold it write.




this has been a very disjointed update, and i hope you enjoyed it.







have a merry christmas.

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