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Coen Brothers' movies I need to see:
Blood Simple
Raising Arizona
Miller's Crossing
Barton Fink
The Hudsucker Proxy
Fargo
The Big Lebowski
O Brother, Where Art Thou?

The Man Who Wasn't There
Intolerable Cruelty
The Ladykillers
No Country for Old Men
Burn After Reading

A Serious Man
Chuck Palahniuk Books I want to read and own:
Bold = own.

Fight Club
Invisible Monsters
Survivor

Choke
Lullaby
Diary
Haunted
Rant
Snuff
Pygmy
Things on my mind.
Sunday. 7.6.08 11:47 pm
I feel.

Oblivious.

I feel.

Lost.

I feel like I only got 5 hours of shallow sleep.

I feel like I wanted to be held last night so badly.

I want my daddy to love me like the daddy on this TV show loves his daughter.





I want to be seven again. I want to be happy.



I want to believe in God. I want to be a Christian.






I want my dad to be better. I don't think he ever will be. Ever.


We'll live like this forever. I'm so afraid. And I don't have anybody that I can really turn to. I need someone to just hold me, that I'm not related to. Someone to just sit with me and hold me. I want to be held.




I feel like I've written this before.






This is way too mopy.

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HELP!
Sunday. 7.6.08 4:00 pm
-In 1987 (artist who's name I don't know) began to copywrite his artwork. Not just his artwork as a whole, but any singular aspect of his work. If any other artist showed the slightest hint of inspiration from this man's work in his or hers, he or she would be sued for part of the profit garnered by this piece of work. Thus began the corporate buffer on creativity.

-21 years later, things are still not looking any better.






Crap. I'll finish this outline later on when my mother doesn't need the computer.

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Hi, boys are dumb.
Saturday. 7.5.08 3:23 pm
bleck, I don't know what to write.


It's all stuff about Aaron, which I've gone over about a zillion times.



Fireworks are pretty.




I went to Tuggfest a few days ago and got hit on pretty crazily. I'm pretty sure the guy thought I was like five years older than I really was. He stole one of my polaroids. Dumb.





Done.

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I don't have a good lead in sentence title for this. Eh. Sorry.
Tuesday. 7.1.08 10:04 am
I'm going to try to make this coherent. Last time I tried to actually tell a bunch about my life it became a mess of bad grammar and non sequitor thoughts. I just get sidetracked too easily.

Okay. Let's go back to the begining.

I met Aaron about two weeks before school ended. He was a very nice boy. I was involved with a different boy, but I enjoyed flirting with Aaron. I never thought it would go anywhere. Aaron was graduating, and in the fall he would be leaving for Baylor. Besides, I was holding out for Parker.

But then Parker, like all nice guys do eventually, let me down. He was always working, always too busy for me. He never talked to me. He didn't make the effort even to send me a text saying hello. Meanwhile, Aaron and I were texting very often, and had tentative plans to hang out once I got my license.

The day after I got my license I was saying hello to Allison in French. Allison is good friends with Aaron. She said that he had asked about me. I'm sure I blushed desperately, because I had been thinking about him more often than I would just any other boy. I had been name dropping him and turning back to his picture in the yearbook. I knew I liked him, but I also knew it wouldn't go anywhere. Until she told me that.

"Well, he said you were going to hang out soon, and he thought he'd decide if he liked you then," she told me. That was it. We were hanging out that night. If he liked me, then forget Parker. If not, well, I always had Parker to turn to.

Due to a birthday dinner, I wasn't able to get to Aaron's house until about 9:30, and due to the stupidity of my parents, I couldn't even stay for an hour. We didn't hold hands or anything, but I didn't really mind. I would ask Allison about it. We made plans to hang out the next day and finish the movie we had started. We also made plans to hang out that Saturday night.

I called her on the way home and told her everything. We giggled a lot. Allison and I giggle a lot together...

Anyhow, the next day I went to his house to finish the movie. This time we cuddled. It was cute. I was happy. I was very happy.

Friday we didn't hang out, but we texted mostly all day.

Saturday we went to the drive-in. We didn't kiss, but we did cuddle. It was still nice, except that I'm coldnatured and he had the AC on like, full blast. But otherwise, it was really nice.

So, we texted all through out the next week. The next Saturday was his birthday, so Allison and I went birthday present shopping for him Friday. I spent $18 on the most perfect gift I could find, and talked about him practically the whole afternoon.

"But we still haven't kissed," I told her. "It's weird. Usually I would have by now."
"Yeah, I asked him about that," she told me. "I asked why he didn't at the drive-in, because that would have been, you know, the perfect time, and usually he doesn't wait this long either. It took a long time to get a straight answer, but finally he said that it just wasn't the right time. So he's waiting for a right time!"

I giggled a lot, which wasn't good, because I was driving.

That afternoon Yashvi and her boyfriend, Daniel, and Aaron and I were supposed to all hang out. But Aaron wasn't able to make it. (This was my first experience in the delightful 3rd-wheel life...) He texted me apologetically, and asked me to go to his birthday lunch with his friends the next day.

So, I went to lunch. Probably the most awkward experience of my life, but it was nice to be invited, anyway. I felt really special. And gave him his amazing present that I kind of wanted to keep...

That night a party took place, commemorating the end of school. We were both there, and I, of course, was awkward. But this time I was less awkward. We talked for a bit, but mostly just sat together, and then he told me how awkward I was and it got less awkward. It was a nice night.

Graduation was sometime in the next few days, and I went to his graduation dinner, which was only awkward in a "none-of-us-really-want-to-be-here" kind of way. There were only 3 of us, and then a lot of Aaron's "drunk and ghetto" family. Drunk and ghetto are his words, not mine...

After that we both got to be pretty busy. He had work and I had summer school (and 3rd-wheeling), but we were still texting all the time. On a particularly horrendous day of wheeling, Daniel and Yashvi were at my house, and I told Aaron, and he came over. It was very sweet and cute and he ruffled my hair and I felt very special and wanted him to kiss me, but he still didn't. He was only there for a few minutes. But it was still very nice.

We had plans to hang out a few days later, and he picked me up and we went to see Iron Man, because it was the only thing showing. We had both seen it, and it had been out for a while, so we got the very top row and he made fun of me a lot, but I was finally completely over my awkwardness. We didn't hold hands the whole movie, and I was starting to get dissapointed, but at the end he finally kissed me.


I don't want to go into details there, it'll just make me bitter.


Anyway. After that date I noticed he stopped texting first as much. I tried to convince myself it was just paranoia, but I knew it wasn't.

It was more than a month before we hung out again, a few days ago. It was cloudy, so he didn't have to work (he's a lifegaurd) and we went to Wall-E. He bought my ticket, but he didn't hold my hand at all. Ever. No kiss, either. Nothing. He walked me out to my car, and while it wasn't awkward, it wasn't... There wasn't much there. W talked a bit, and he was funny and cute and everything, of course, and I wanted him, of course, but there was nothing there. I cried a lot that day.

The next day (this is yesterday) Allison and I had plans to hang out. We decided to go to Legacy Play Village (I suggest you look it up, I don't know how to explain it) and start a game of on-foot-cops-and-robbers. Aaron was one of the people we texted, and he showed up. We said hello to eachother. That was it. No one else really showed up, except for his friend Patrick and my friend Amy, and we went exploring in the play ground and it wasn't until at least 10 minutes had passed that we realized they had probably left. Allison and Amy and I trouped out to the parking lot, and, sure enough, Patrick and Aaron's cars were gone.

Later on he texted Allison with, "Is Hannah good?"

"Good how?" I asked her. "Good as in okay even though he led me on for ever, or just good in general?"

"I don't know," she laughed.

"Tell him I'm fine," I said sarcastically. "Tell him I said it sarcastically, too."

Later on he asked her, "Why? Did something happen?"

She told him, "I don't know, maybe."


(We are so mature...)

The rest of the night was fun, but not very relevent. I did have a conversation with Allison that went something like this:

Me: He doesn't like me anymore.
Her: Yeah... we talked about it a few weeks ago. He said he didn't want to get into a relationship when he was leaving so soon.
Me: Why didn't you tell me?
Her: He said he was going to!
Me: I wish he had...

All the same, I got home, and I was happy. I was resigned to him not liking me anymore, and I came up with my "nice guys" theory, and I was good to go.

Except then, when he signed on to Facebook, he actually started talking to me. That hadn't happened in a long time. I had decided to not talk to him unless he talked first. The only reason I had the other day was because I really needed to get out of the house. I was having a bad, bad day.

Anyway, he asked what we did after they left, and then asked if I was mad.

"Yeah, a little," I said. I wasn't mad that they had left, but he hadn't specified.

He made up an excuse, and then asked if I was actually mad.

"Not because you left," I told him. "That would be dumb."

Aaron; But you are mad?
Me: Not really mad... Just... irritated.
A: At?
M: You...
A: For what?
M: Not telling me you didn't want to be involved with me anymore.

At this point I was doing the crazy shivering thing I do when I get really upset (or nervous) but don't really know it. It's this uncontrolable shaking, and it tenses up my shoulder muscles really badly...

He explained that he had just wanted to phase it out, so that we could still be friends and hang out and stuff, and he wouldn't have had to break it off so bluntly. (That's what I tried to do with Parker, btw. It didn't really work.)

I told him I thought it probably would have been better for him to have told me in the first place, because it took me a while to realize that he wasn't texting much anymore.

He said that he wasn't trying to do that, he just had been really busy with work and stuff.

"I'm not trying to reject you," he said, "because I do like you. I just don't think it would be smart to get involved right now. But I still want to hang out and stuff."

I asked if he really meant that, or if he was just saying it.

"I went to the movies with you yesterday," he pointed out. "Why would I pay for something I didn't want to do?"

"So if I want to get out of the house I can still text you and you won't think I'm an annoying child?" I asked.

He said he wouldn't think I was annoying.

"But you'll still think I'm a child?"

"Well, that can't be helped."


















This is going to be hard.

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I've finally got it all figured out.
Tuesday. 7.1.08 1:38 am
Here's why girls like assholes better than nice guys: Assholes are predictable.

Assholes are always gonna be assholes, and even when they're sweet, they're still assholes. It's nice, in a way. And girls know that these assholes are assholes, they know not to get their hopes up.

And then a nice guy comes along.


This nice guy texts them first, and takes them on dates, and waits a pretty long while to really make much of a move. The nice guy makes fun of them, but it's cute, not mean, and it makes them feel special. The nice guy is everything girls look for, and they get their hopes up.


And then he lets them down.



Assholes, they don't let girls down, because an asshole is a let-downer. If he doesn't let them down, that is a let-down, but of the best kind. When a nice guy lets girls down, it's a let-down of the worst kind. Shock and bewilderment are sure to be followed by bitterness and tears and then bitterness again.









So I believe I will stay away from nice guys from now on. Next time someone says something along the lines of, "Aaron asked about you the other night. You should date him. He's really nice," I will know to run, and hide, and stay away from him for ever. Because a nice guy is the worst kind of guy there is.




























In other news, I decided to do Wizard Rock for my speech. Hurrah!

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I have to know by tomorrow what I'm going to write my speech about.
Monday. 6.30.08 1:46 am
Right now my top topics are:


-history of vinyl.
-mp3's vs. cd's (pro cd's)
-synesthesia
-buddhism
-the i-ching.


i'm going to look in the cultural studies section of b&n tomorrow, but if any of those sound particularly interesting to you, let me know. ahhh. crap. where has time gone?!?!?!




today is so stressful.

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