I haven't been writing anything personal lately. And I haven't told anyone anything personal either, which is really different for me. It doesn't go into the usual pattern. I've just noticed how weird it is not being able to tell Priscilla everything. I mean, Priscilla was the person that I vented to. It was great. Now I only have this piece of shit NuTang to put my mind to ease just a little bit. I was thinking about this in history, and it finally dawned on me how much Priscilla has affected me and my life. You know, quite honestly, I didn't think she had that much affect. It's quite interesting. Anyways, back to the main topic which is...I don't know. I've become less anti-social. And yet, I still feel lonely. Hey, now I know what it's like to have a lot of friends but still feel like you're alone. What an experience. Nah, I don't feel alone, I just get a tad bit lonely at times. But it's all good. It really doesn't bother me all that much anymore. Oh yes, another thing I realized today. Guys are great and not all of them are dicks. =D Jose got this chick's number today at lunch. Stupid fucker doesn't know how to say her name. She's cute. They'll make a great couple. Hehe. Picture perfect. All he has to do is figure out how to say the chick's name.

I was mad yesterday. I think it lasted for more than thirty minutes. That's a good thing. The bad thing though is that I didn't realize I was mad until I was calm again. I was walking around in Blockbuster and I was like, "Hmm. I was mad earlier. Whoa." That's some fucked up shit right there. I like working at Blockbuster. Everyone there is really really nice. Although I don't like this one chick. I'm not nervous around people anymore. I finally understand this whole engaging in a conversation thing. I figured out why people weren't open with me and all that shit. People don't know how to talk to people who are reserved and don't tell them anything about themselves. When I learned that, I have no fucking clue. Sometime over the week or so. Surprisingly, my mind isn't blank anymore. I'm actually more alert now that I'm busy. I thought less sleep was suppose to make you less alert.

Okay. Now what exactly has been bothering me these past few days? I don't really know how to explain it. It's Bettie, for one. I had this all written out yesterday, but now I managed to block a lot of it off. I sigh. Now I know how Mariela felt when we were together. I was an uberbitch to her, and I kind of feel bad about it. Sorta. Not really. I should really talk with Bettie about this, but there's nothing I can really say. She says "I love you" less and less now. And a part of me wonders if she'll even miss me when she leaves for Seattle. But I don't want her to say or feel those things just because I want her to. In fact, that would just piss me off more. Haha. These are just pointless thoughts I need to release so they won't bother me as much anymore. Talk about fucking karma. What goes around comes around. This is great. I want Bettie to express herself in the same manner that she did when we first met. Sometimes we just don't get what we want eh?

I find it quite amusing that everyone starts coming to me when I start shutting people out.

On a happier note. I'm am happier. I'm more secure and all that junk. I have discovered a few things lately that I do not wish to discuss here but it has changed me for the good. I'm much more secure and confident because I've finally found my place in this world. And I can't believe I'm about to say this, but I can't wait until I'm off on my own. I can't wait until I'm 18 and in college or where ever I will be if not that. I'm not scared of growing up anymore. I'm not scared of not knowing what my future will be like. I've found a road in which I wish to travel, whether it leads me to the place I want it to lead is something that I have no control over, but where ever it leads, I'll deal, I'll learn, and I'll be okay. I know where I belong. And for once, I'm going to stop fighting things.

I've been doing my work in school. Even though school is almost over. That's a good sign. Me doing my work and actually trying.

I'm good today. But tired.

My mommy is coming back tonight. Yay.

Nap time.

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Yet another movie managed to set me off. After watching it, I remembered just how much I love the flute. After listening to those flute players play at the Maverick's game, I remembered what it felt like to enjoy playing the flute. I remember those endless hours of practicing where time seemed to fly. I remember the feeling of accomplishment when I outranked everyone older then me. I remember how calming it was, how all my troubles seemed to go away. I remember right before I started to play in front of people, I would get really nervous, but once I started playing it was just me and the music as one. God, I miss that. I miss it so much. That's probably why I like Gina so much. Her passion for the flute touches me. I can see it in her eyes and feel it when she plays. Kristina Frost, our wonderful first chair floutist, on the other hand does not enjoy the flute. She plays for the competition. There's no emotion behind her playing, only technique.

I really don't know what happened to me. One minute, I was really good, the next minute, I suck. I honestly don't remember ever enjoying the flute. Except on some occasions when the feeling comes back in the middle of band, and then I remember. I remember what it feels like to play my heart out. But then, it's gone, and I feel empty again. I don't even practice now. I don't try. I've lost hope.

Confidence was always an issue I had. It was something that Dr. Clardy was never able to help me solve. It's not like I gave her much of a chance to help me. I never really did believe I was any good. I didn't see the potential people saw in me. But now I do. But it's too late. I've lost the touch. I hated the pressure my parents put on me. It makes me sad that if I'm not the best, they aren't interested. Heh. They don't even go to my concerts anymore. My dad who was once so proud of me because of my wonderful flute playing now decides to sit in the back at an All-Region concert because I wasn't the best in my school and was too embarrassed to sit in the front like he always did. Heh. Now, he doesn't even bother to come to my concerts because I'm last chair in band. If was first, he would come, he would smile and brag to everyone how I'm his daughter, the girl sitting up front playing the flute solo. It's just so fucking hard for them to believe that even if I'm not the best, I still enjoy playing the flute. It was always about the fame to them. Not the passion. I can't play without it. I don't have it anymore. I've lost it. The flute was the door to my emotions and it still is. Like I said, a large part of me died that day.

I won't be going to Disney World with the band this year. I have yet to tell my parents. My mom is coming back on Tuesday. My dad will be leaving soon. I'm suppose to leave on the 16th. Not aymore. Monday I have to tell my band director that I'm failing physics and I can't go. I should be scared of telling my teacher, I should be scared to tell my dad, but I'm not. It just doesn't matter as much as it use to. It matters, but not enough. I should be scared of their disappointment. But I'm not. I'm actually quite apathetic to it on a certain level.

So many thoughts. So many questions. And for once, I want to deal with them on my own. I've opened a part of me up that has never been opened before, in return another part has to go. Time for it to shut down.

Time for a new beginning.

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I knew it was going to happen. She's gone. I can feel it. The connection has A long time ago, I told Priscilla that if Bettie was to ever leave my life, I would die. Not physically, but mentally. The part of me that knows how to love, that been long lost. It's too bad, eh? That's how life is. Hopefully, she'll find some way back. Enough said.

I feel strange. I feel like I'm back in elementary school. I feel like I'm a stranger. My childish side is starting to disappear. You know, this whole time, as I got older I became more childish. Now, it seems it has finally come to an end. I feel different. I don't know how to describe it. It feels as if something inside of me has come back to life. But it's different this time. I can feel my rebellious spark again. I can feel my pent up anger, especially for adults. Hmmm. Maybe what's different is the fact that I've finally managed to destroy that wall blocking me from my emotions. I can feel everything. It's quite frightening.

When I was in the car today listening to Bettie sing and dance, it finally dawned on me that I've changed a lot. I realized how much I appreciated my life, the people in it, and the affect they have on me (good and bad), and I was suddenly content. I was sitting in the car listening and half watching Bettie, and I realized that when I look back, today would be one of the days that would be etched into my memory forever.

knows what it's like to be happy, to feel, would be locked away again. But that will no longer be the case. I spent a big part of my life blocking off my emotions, only letting a small trickle through. For a long time - I didn't realize this until now -I've thought that feeling happy and shit was wrong. The feeling seemed so foreign to me. I can't remember the last time I was excited about something. I've always thought that showing your emotions showed your weakness. It feels good to feel human. The strangest thing of all.

This time it isn't Bettie that was the catalyst. It's my Precal teacher Ms. Hanna. I don't really know why but I really respect and admire her. God, I'm crying. See how emotional I am now? I don't know how she does it, but she motivates me a lot. She encourages me to be a better person. To be the person that I use to be, but better. It feels so good to sit in that class and feel that person come back. I never did understand why Priscilla's teachers meant so much to her until now. Every day I walk out of that class feeling confident. But the minute I step into physics and english *poof* it's all gone.

There's still a lot of shit that I have to deal with. To figure out. To solve. But I feel calmer and more secure now. It's strange. Very strange. I'm becoming more interested in things. Now, if only I wasn't sick, I would actually enjoy playing the flute, instead of stopping to cough every fucking five minutes.

Sleep time.

Goodnight.

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I don't understand why I take offense to every little thing that my dad says. I can't even stop myself. A wave of anger, pain, and fustration just overwhelms me. It may be from the way he says things or how he says things. I've become hurt twice over money issues, no more then twice. I know why I feel so terrible when he says shit. It's because he's right. I feel like I'm dying. I won't be surprised if I'm not able to go to sleep tonight because of my fucking coughs waking me up. I'm starting to lose my voice. Bloody fuck. I have been feeling very strange lately. It could be that I haven't been getting as much sleep as I'm use to. But the day before yesterday I got a dizzy spell. The room just started spinning for a few seconds. Dejavu happened to me yesterday. And today I felt like I was living in a dream. My mind was so numb. I was trying to write an AP writing prompt essay, and my mind just kind of went blank. It's been blank all day. I've felt strange all day. Even in the morning when I found myself enjoying the band music. I was getting into and trying and everything like that. It felt so good. But the feeling flees so quickly. Times like that are the times I remember why I enjoyed and loved the flute so much. Funny, I never felt myself enjoying it until just recently. Hard to explain. I'm not going to. What's really driving me bonkerz right now is the yearning for helplessness that I cannot quench. I've been trying a lot to push it down lately. Now it's back. I wasn't able to go through the whole day of school without thinking of some helpless scene. I couldn't stop fantasizing about shit for the life of me. And the stuff I found myself fantasizing about was quite unnerving. This whole submissive thing has been going on for a really long time. I remember I use to tie myself up when I was like... well I don't remember how old I was...but it was when I was younger then 10. And when I was like 10 or so I use to play this game with this girl where I was the dog and she would scold me for misbehaving. It was great. When I was younger, right before I went to bed, I would fantasize about being locked in a cage, or trapped, or used as an experiment or some shit like that. That was after my fear for the dark started to die down. I use to talk to myself and pretend I was different people. My brother would tell me to shut up. Hmmm, that wasn't that long ago. Probably when I was like 11 or 12. Bettie is moving to Seattle. When she told me, I think I was shocked into silence. It makes me sad to think about her leaving, but at the same time I'm happy for her cause she'll get opprotunities there. I'll miss her. I've been trying not to think about it but since I'm pouring my heart out here I might as well. I can't wait until I'm 18. Better yet 21. I want to explore the BDSM lifestyle. I want to see what it's really at, but I'm not legal age and that sucks ass. I don't think I ever wrote this down. That night when Bettie broke up with me, I asked her to collar me. She said no. It was a disappointment and a relief all at the same time. This medicine is making me sleepy hence I don't remember what I was going to say. I went into chat today and had a long talk with a guy about the lifestyle. I think I'm finally starting to understand it. I don't think I would ever be able to have a "regular" relationship. I've been thinking a lot about that lately. The yearning for being submissive is too great. Now that I think about it, I've been submissive to a lot of people. I wouldn't be able to deal with a vanilla relationship. One way or another, I end up finding some way for someone to do something to me. Hmm. I never realized that until now. I do wish that Bettie would collar me. But I finally understand why she won't. I understand that to her collaring is something different. I can still feel myself call out for someone to make me feel helpless. For example, the most recent ones, Bettie of course. Brandi and May, but not as much with her, because that part of her seems to be dying. It's strange how I can feel these things. Talk about strong vibes. But yes, once I turn 18 I'm going to explore that aspect of life. I feel better now that I've let this all out. Goodnight.

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I'm already beginning to dislike one of my co-workers. My manager that's training me is transfering to a different store. That makes me sad. I like her! We have this new manager who's suppose to be mean. He really doesn't seem that mean. He's just more serious about the job. He makes me nervous. But he's nice, well so far that is. Anthony is really nice too. He's a cool kid. Yep, he is. I have a extending viewing fee already. I turned in the bloody wrong movie. Phooey.

Bettie's entry on her xanga shook me to the bone. I almost started crying! God, that's so pathetic of me. I got all teary eyed and breathless. It really did make her a better person though. I wish I could remember half the things she remembers. I can't remember anything. I know I was abused a lot when I was a little kid, but I only really remember one. And that was like, I don't know, two or three summers ago. I only remember because that was the first time I started laughing. The only reason I know that the abuse happened is because of the turmoil I feel within myself, I can't quite describe it. It's like the after effect of the whole thing is still with me. It's strange how I remember things when my mind shuts down. A part of me died that day. I use to think that no one would ever be able to hurt me like that ever again. But now, I'm being reawakened and it scares me. I can actually see myself getting into an abusive relationship. There's a part of me that loves feeling helpless, that loves the pain. I don't mind people that I trust and care about making me feel helpless, for example, Bettie. It's only that type of connection that gets me to like the helplessness. If I friend was to make me feel helpless, family, whatever, I would hate it. On the other hand, getting hit is a totally different story. It scares me that I like it. I really do. It gives me a big adrenaline rush. It doesn't hurt. It feels good. That's why I liked Tae Kwon Do so much, that's why I like softball so much. I love bruises. Especially on my legs. I can see myself getting into an abusive relationship, convincing myself that I love the person, and trapping myself. I've never been trapped before. I always find some way to turn myself off, to keep a part of me closed off, to keep it safe. But this time it's different, this time, I'm starting to come out. I find it more difficult to not feel. It's harder for me to block off my emotions. I know I still have the defense mechanism. I've been using it. But it's weaker. It's different for me when I love someone. Hmmm. Now I know another reason why I distance myself from people.

That one day when I skipped with Chhai. When he was feeling all up on me and shit, that was the first day that I have ever felt uncomfortable. Before I knew I was uncomfortable with the situation, but I've never felt it before.

I surrender. That's my escape. That's when I shut down.

One of these days, I'll be able to explain how I really feel inside.

Right now. I'm going to bed. Goodnight.

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There's no doubt that I like girls. There's no doubt that I prefer girls over boys. But what I have been questioning myself lately is whether I really do like boys or not. Do I find guys sexy and hot? Fuck yeah. Would I ever make out with a guy? Yeah. Have I ever gotten anything out of it? Yes, once, if only for just a short time. Does the sight of a penis turn me on? No, not exactly. The thought of one in me does. Is that natural? Would I ever be comfortable being sexual with a guy? Yes. The strangest thing is I can see myself being more sexual with guys then with girls. In other words, I can see myself being more aggressive. Would I feel comfortable having sex with a guy? No. Why? The thought of having sex with a guy, even the sexiest guy on earth, makes me feel dirty. But I wouldn't mind making out with them. It scares me that I have finally found some kind of connection with guys. It scares me that I'm no longer scared of them. I'm only scared of the thought of letting them in. Which leads to another question. After all these years, why Tim? What makes him so different from the others? What does this mean? Or maybe I'm just in one of my moods. I'm so confused. I was going to write something about jealousy here but I have to eat and go to work. I'm suddenly bi curious, and that thought really really really disturbs me.

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