Damnit.

I like him. Not in that way, but now I find that I can put up with his obnoxiousness because I know why he acts the way he does. Well, I already knew before, but after hanging out with him, I just can't help not helping him. And he really is a good person at heart. It's just he has such low self-esteem. He has absolutely no confidence in himself but puts up a front that probably most people realize. He's going to get plastic surgery again, and that makes me sad, but it really isn't my decision. I'm starting to like him as a person. He really does have a good heart. A really really good heart. A better heart than most people I know. I wonder what happened to make him the way he is now. I was looking at his paintings, omg, they are fucking amazing. It was really interesting to see how the mood in the pictures changed as he got older. How the colors that were once so bright became so dark and morbid. He has an interesting character. I don't think he will annoy me as much now. I really really really did not like him. But now, I want to be his friend. LoL. I want to help him. I can't not offer help when someone obviously needs it.

He's just such a sweet guy.

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I getta see Priscilla tomorrowz. Yay! I'm so very excited. I havenn't talked to her in like two weeks. Two whole long weeks. Whee! I don't even know what to say. Everythings all muddled together. Hehe. Priscilla. I see her tomorrowz. I don't know why I'm putting a "z" after tomorrow, I'm just in one of my moods. I feel like dancing. At least, attempting it.

Ohhh. I wanna bounce on one of those bouncy balls. I remember back in elementary school, at the end of the school year, we had a field day, and we would race with one of those bouncy balls with the handles and go boing boing boing

Mariela's new girlfriend is pretty awesome. She has really nice titties. I am not a boob person! It's just she just happened to flash everyone so I couldn't help but look. I actually didn't really notice her boobs until everyone started pointing out how nice they were.

It's almost winter break! Yay!

I want to go skiing. I've never done that before.

I'm really jittery right now. I'm in a good mood. I don't know why. I feel special.

I don't know why.

Hehe.

I need some adderall. I have a paper due tomorrow. I have to compare poetry with love...or something like that. Bahhh. Stupid stupid stupid stupid english. I hate english. I have never hated english so much in my life. I like math though. Math is fun.

I'm a number person. I think. It's more logical to me.

My computer is making weird bug noises.

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It's strange how Candice can make me feel more guilty about skipping school more than my parents ever could. I know why too. It's because she can relate, and after hearing her talk about regretting it, it just hit me. Hard. Actually, I only felt guilty for about 2 seconds okay maybe longer than that. But now I'm just upset with myself.

I finally realized what I've been doing to myself. And I feel miserable about it because how can I be soo fucking stupid? I know the reason why I always set myself up for failure. I know why I skip school and am constantly trying to sabotage my future. If I don't stop now, it's going to be too late. There isn't going to be a second chance. And whatever happens after I decide to fuck up even more, is only going to fuck me up even more.

There was something that Candice said last night that really hit me and really clicked something in my head. I don't have to be perfect. I don't have to be good at everything I do. It's the challenge that helps people grow and become stronger. And I can't continue to run from it.

I have bits and pieces as to why I do the things I do. It has something to do with perfection and seeing the disappointment and displeasure in people's eyes when they realize that I'm not perfect at what I do, but they expect me to be perfect because everything else I ever tried at I was "perfect" in.

After one fall, I just kept on falling because I couldn't stand to see the looks that were in people's eyes. Especially my parents. And it came to the point where I just kind of gave up. I did give up. And my mindset was like..."It's better not to try..than try and fail." Heh.

It's my dad, the beatings, the abuse, the words, everything that has made me who I am today. And I'm not blaming him, I'm just stating the facts. It's why my mind is so scrambled and fucked up. But i can do something about it. I have to do something about it or else I'm just going to repeat the same pattern over and over again.

I need to stop running.

I don't have to be perfect at everything I do.

Candice has no idea what those words mean to me.

Wow. I feel better.

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Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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I'm in a generous mood. It's for a little innocent kid.

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I just remembered that I promised myself that I would try to kill my submissive masochist side, or at least hide it forever. I can't remember why I came to the decision. Yes, I do. It's because I hated that side of me. It was the side of me that I believed ran people away because it scared them. And actually, I still do believe that. There are very few people - I can count the people on one hand - that actually take the time to understand it. I don't know why I'm writing this. I just feel the need to write this. Anyways, yeah, until recently I've hated the masochist side of me because it usually caused people to walk out of my life because they didn't understand or know how to handle the power that was given to them.

Blah. Explain later.

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