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Oh Fuck
Tuesday. 6.1.04 9:26 am
I had a dream last night. I didn't like it. It just confirms my suspicions. I woke up fucking shaking. The feelings in my dream felt so fucking familiar. Someone close to me hurted me. I seek comfort from my mom, and in the dream she wasn't able to help me. I wanted to tell the counselor at my school but I was afraid to. I didn't want them to blame the person. I didn't want them to blame me. I was afraid to tell my mom because I was scared she wouldn't believe me. The person was so close to us. I wanted to cry but I couldn't. I just started running. I had a knife in my pocket because I felt safe. It was the knife I use to cut myself with. I thought the person was going to hurt me for not doing what the person wanted. But when the phone rang and it was my mom, the person gave me the phone like nothing happened. I sounded real calm on the phone. The person wanted me to touch her (in the dream it was female, in real life it's probably male) to make her come. I ran off. After the incident, when I was at school, I felt so alone. I wanted to tell someone but I felt like I couldn't. I pretended that everything was alright. Fuck. My past and my present are intermingled in the dream. I'll explain it more in detail when I get back from work. If I bloody remember it. I'm scared. I want Mistress.

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Dependent
Tuesday. 6.1.04 1:40 am
I need Zoloft. That makes me sad.

I think I missed the deadline for Richland. Fuck.

My dad screamed at me for not turning off the light. He's in a bad mood tonight.

The last few days have been a daze kind of. There's a few moments when I actually am aware that I'm here. I'm losing track of time. I think Saturdays are Sundays, and Mondays are Saturdays, Mondays are Sundays or something. I don't know what I did on which day. It's like what happens when you come down from a high. Time is all confusing and shit. It's just I haven't been high.

I have really weird fucking dreams that make no sense to me whatsoever. They are soo fucking bizarre.

I'm depressed. I feel like a disappointment.

I feel like some days are me. Other days aren't me. And sometimes I'm not even aware what I'm doing. I just realized those two sentences at the beginning do not make sense. There was a brief moment the other day, I don't remember which day, that I actually felt like myself.

I am so fucking confused.

Time for me to go to bed. Goodnight.

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Wine Coolers
Monday. 5.31.04 2:45 pm
I love wine coolers. Beer taste like shit. Haha. My mom told me not to get drunk. I don't think it's possible to get drunk off of wine coolers. They have like 1% of alcohol in them. I love it when it's like christmas or new years and we play drinking games. It's so much fucking fun. And everyone is just laughing and eating. And I would get soo fucking full from drinking so much wine coolers. Haha. And my mom would be all messed up from drinking so much. I swear one time she almost ran into a wall.

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Biggest Fear
Monday. 5.31.04 1:15 am
Ah ha!! I know what my biggest fear is! My biggest fear is growing up!

I remember when I was a little kid, I use to want to grow up and be like the older kids. But then again, I think all little kids are like that. Haha. I acted way too fucking mature for my age. And now I am soo fucking immature. It's cause I don't want to grow up. Okay, I'm not that immature, but everyone knows that I have my major immature moments. Growing up...sucks. And I think that's one of the reasons why I just fuck myself up in everything. Almost everything.

Everyone elses fears are being alone or losing someone close to them. I don't know why I don't have a fear of being alone. I guess, it's because I've always felt that I was alone so I'm not afraid of it anymore. I'm not scared at all of losing someone close to me because I'm use to that too, a little too use to that. And the fact that I'm alone, but not really alone, makes me not fear being alone, if that makes any sense at all. I'm too lazy to explain.

Unfortunately, I am growing up. I have to grow up in a sense. I sigh. But I can still be a kid at heart just like my mom and dad. I'm just afraid that I'll lose my way, and won't have a child's heart anymore. No worries for me though. Hehehe. I have Max! Oh yeah. Yeah, I'm scared that Max will leave. I guess in a sense I am scared of being alone. I'm not really alone because I have Max with me. But when he's gone...then...I'll be alone. Hmmm. I never thought about it that way. I don't think I'm going to tell my therapist about Max. Yeah, she'll think I'm fucking crazy. The last thing I want is to be sent to the looney bin. That will be no fun at all. I think I'll go even crazier.

I love the fucking Ninja Turtles. I use to have a Ninja Turtle blanket/pillow. I wonder where it went. I like Michaelangelo cause he's funny.

Goodnight!

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Wheee!!!
Saturday. 5.29.04 10:52 am
I talked to Mistress today!!! I'm so happy! I love Mistress!




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Ahhh...I hate this
Saturday. 5.29.04 2:59 am
I am soo confused right now. I feel like such a fuck up. I feel like I fuck everything up and nothing will ever work right for me. I feel like I'm always be a fucking failure in everyone's eyes. I have no idea why I am in pity mode right now. I don't care. I'm depressed. I was going crazy at work. I'm so fake. I can fake a smile and act all happy now. It's because I have to. It's because at work no one wants to deal with someone that's in a bad mood. So I pretend to be happy. I make people laugh. I try to make them happy. It's all instinct now. Customer service. By the end of the night, I'm all tired and shit cause I put so much effort into being fucking "happy." The customers have gotten a lot nicer now though so that's all good. And some of them are cool. There's soo many fucking annoying high school and college kids now. Especially high school kids. They just need to fucking die. Seriously, they annoy the fuck out of me. Not to mention, most of them I know and don't like because they're stupid. And did I mention they are fucking annoying as hell? I can't wait for summer to be over so I don't have to deal with all the dumb fucks.

Yay! I get to work mornings. Some anyways. My schedule is all fucked up for next week. And I have to go to stinkin' marching band. I kinda just want to quit cause I don't want to do all the work but Gina's drum major and it'll be state year. I just can't quit. Well, I made it into symphonic 1. Yay. Not really. Last chair. I was kind of hoping that I wouldn't make it. Gina made first chair and Karen made second. Then I forget who else. I never knew people actually talked about how good I use to be. I never knew that so many people knew I was good. It's weird. It doesn't matter now though. I'm not good anymore and I don't have the passion for the flute anymore. It's just not my thing.

I really miss Mistress. I haven't felt this way in fucking years. I haven't talked to her in like a week and I'm getting all fucking depressed and shit. I seriously feel like I'm going insane. I wanna cry but I can't. I'm in pain but I can't release it. I'm confused. I'm lost. And my world is fucking spinning.

I want a shoulder to cry on but there's no one. I want my parents to comfort me when I'm in emotional distress but they always seem to bring more stress on me. I don't think they have ever comforted me in my life. That's pretty sad. Except when I was sick. I just want to hug them while I'm bawling my eyes out and have them say that everything will be okay, or have them tell me meaningful. I want their love. I don't like this distance. I wish I could open up to them. But I can't. I'm so scared. I'm scared that they will hate me for who I am.

I'm tired of crying by myself late at night. I'm tired of crying myself to sleep.

I just want to feel loved.

Mistress wrote something on her xanga about her mom telling her not to trust anyone. I think my dad told me the same thing once. When you trust people, you get screwed over because they always think about themselves before you. And if they have a chance, they'll screw you over if it makes their life better. People will step on you to reach for the top. They'll pull you down to be better then you. It's because that's what the world has made them to be. They'll do whatever they need to survive because in the end it's just them. They have no one to rely on but themselves. My dad told me to cherish the happiness that I have, to just enjoy everything, to have as much fun as possible, and cherish my friends, because once I get into the real world, it just sucks. He said once I get into the real world, I'll truly be alone.

I wish it wasn't the case, but I know he's right. I can see it in adults eyes. It's what happens when you lose your innocence. It makes me sad. This is why I don't want to grow up.

I still believe that there has to be someone in this world that can be trusted. I suppose that's why I get screwed over by so many people. But I still have hope because so many do not.

Hope. Heh. It's what keeps me strong when things go wrong.

I'm going to bed. Goodnight.

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