I'm already beginning to dislike one of my co-workers. My manager that's training me is transfering to a different store. That makes me sad. I like her! We have this new manager who's suppose to be mean. He really doesn't seem that mean. He's just more serious about the job. He makes me nervous. But he's nice, well so far that is. Anthony is really nice too. He's a cool kid. Yep, he is. I have a extending viewing fee already. I turned in the bloody wrong movie. Phooey.

Bettie's entry on her xanga shook me to the bone. I almost started crying! God, that's so pathetic of me. I got all teary eyed and breathless. It really did make her a better person though. I wish I could remember half the things she remembers. I can't remember anything. I know I was abused a lot when I was a little kid, but I only really remember one. And that was like, I don't know, two or three summers ago. I only remember because that was the first time I started laughing. The only reason I know that the abuse happened is because of the turmoil I feel within myself, I can't quite describe it. It's like the after effect of the whole thing is still with me. It's strange how I remember things when my mind shuts down. A part of me died that day. I use to think that no one would ever be able to hurt me like that ever again. But now, I'm being reawakened and it scares me. I can actually see myself getting into an abusive relationship. There's a part of me that loves feeling helpless, that loves the pain. I don't mind people that I trust and care about making me feel helpless, for example, Bettie. It's only that type of connection that gets me to like the helplessness. If I friend was to make me feel helpless, family, whatever, I would hate it. On the other hand, getting hit is a totally different story. It scares me that I like it. I really do. It gives me a big adrenaline rush. It doesn't hurt. It feels good. That's why I liked Tae Kwon Do so much, that's why I like softball so much. I love bruises. Especially on my legs. I can see myself getting into an abusive relationship, convincing myself that I love the person, and trapping myself. I've never been trapped before. I always find some way to turn myself off, to keep a part of me closed off, to keep it safe. But this time it's different, this time, I'm starting to come out. I find it more difficult to not feel. It's harder for me to block off my emotions. I know I still have the defense mechanism. I've been using it. But it's weaker. It's different for me when I love someone. Hmmm. Now I know another reason why I distance myself from people.

That one day when I skipped with Chhai. When he was feeling all up on me and shit, that was the first day that I have ever felt uncomfortable. Before I knew I was uncomfortable with the situation, but I've never felt it before.

I surrender. That's my escape. That's when I shut down.

One of these days, I'll be able to explain how I really feel inside.

Right now. I'm going to bed. Goodnight.

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