Damnit, I had yet another dream about Priscilla. Just when I'm trying to let her be, my subconscious decides to invade my mind when I'm asleep. I'm glad that I'm actually remembering my dreams though. It comforts me waking up to a dream that I remember. I was sitting in her house, on her white leather couch, and we were just chatting and stuff. Priscilla didn't seem too worried that her mom was going to come home and see me. The dreams are getting better though. I can feel my mind more at ease with this whole situation.

So I was reading some BDSM short story last night, and that was in my dreams last night too. I was in the submissives situation. God, I woke up so fucking horny and not having enough time to relieve myself because I had to go to work, and my mom was about to walk into my fucking room.

Yep. There's my story for today. God, just a few months ago, I wouldn't have been able to even think about what I wrote above. I was totally on one side of the scale a few months back, now I'm on the exact opposite. I can't seem to balance the two. This sucks. I knew this would happen.

I remember it would be so fucking weird for Priscilla and I to talk about sexual stuff. Yet, we didn't mind talking about kissing each other. How ironic. But anyhow, things changed after Bettie came along. Seems like she was a catalyst for a lot of things in our lives. God, it's fucking weird thinking back on how we would have kissed each just for experimentation. Now that I think about, it's fucking gross as fuck.

My mood is fucked right now. I'm in a good and irritable mood. And bored like hell. I'm going to go write a story. So I say. So I say.

See ya.

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I really do love play the flute. I use to be so good. I don't know what happened. I don't know why I gave up. Today was the first day that I've practiced in a really long time. When I picked up my flute, I started crying. I've been crying a lot lately. Too much. It's starting to bother me. I feel so different. I don't know who I am anymore. There's so many parts of me that I've denied for so long. I've repressed so many of my emotions that it's come to the point where I can't differenciate one emotion from the other. I still miss Tae Kwon Do. It's been a while since I've done anything. These past few days, when I walked out of my parents store, I would always look upstairs where I took my Tae Kwon Do lessons and just watch the kids. Heh, I miss it. I sacrificed Tae Kwon Do for the flute. I couldn't afford to get kicked in the fucking face or anything. Now, I suck at both. I could actually get a job at Tae Kwon Do teaching the little kids. I'm thinking about going back. Maybe. Gotta talk to my parents about it first. God, I'm so out of shape though. But what can I say, I like fighting. More then anyone knows. It's a way for me to get out my anger. It's a release. It feels fucking great when I get to spar. This time, I won't have anything to hold me back. I still want to play the flute though. But I don't think I'll ever be able to love it like I use to. There's no release in it. I don't have the patience to learn the notes, much less make music out of it. I enjoy playing it, but I'm not that serious about it anymore. Just like I'm not serious about softball. I use to be. I wanted to go to UCLA and be on their softball team. Richardson softball teams suck though. Which means, I suck. But yeah. I could soo see myself becoming a professional softball player. Haha. Not anymore though. Too late now. But I love softball. Softball is fun to play. I might just decide to try out for the softball team at my school next year. But I like writing the most out of all of that. Even my writing sucks. It's not as good as it use to be. And I swear, my vocabulary use to be a lot bigger then what I have now. Quite surprising. It's cause I use to roleplay. I don't do that anymore due to the fact that I have a social life. Not right now, cause I'm fucking groundedddd.

Speaking of getting stuck in the house all day. I think I'm going to drive myself insane if this keeps up. I need to go out now. I don't even need to hang out with my friends or anything, I just want to get the fuck out of the goddamn house. Yep. I want go to Shiloh. Although, that would most likely bring back memories of Priscilla. But I just want to go. To be in nature. To think. I love thinking in nature. I just want to go to Shiloh to remember all the good times Priscilla and I had together there everytime we skipped school. We would sit under the bridge for hours just chillin' and talkin'. It's been a beautiful day out these past few days. I'm disappointed that my parents won't give me my keys back. It's not like I got into some big wreck. Sheesh. I'm started to get irritated. And fustrated. And pissed off. I can feel it coming. Yep yep. I can't put on a bright face for more then a few days. It's leaving me now. I'm on spring break with no goddamn car. That's fucking bullshit. It's been like three weeks. Or something.

I was contemplating whether or not I would ever go out with a guy again. Nah. Males in general scare the shit out of me. Did I mention, females make me nervous? Haha. Kinda sucks. I can't see guys ever being able to give me what I want, because in some twisted way, I think guys are evil. Which is totally fucked up cause aren't you suppose to think that when you're like six? Nah. I had a shit load of guy friends when I was little. But now, when I look at guys I only see how nasty and filthy they are no matter how attractive they may seem. Granted, some guys aren't that bad. I don't think I ever told anyone that. I don't even know how to describe how I feel when I look at guys. It's probably because I never take the time to actually acknowledge the feeling. I trust them the least of all.

So I'm only writing cause I'm bored shitless at home. This sucks. This is irritating beyond belief. I have a feeling my parents and I are going to get into an argument.

Fuck this.

I'm out.

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Damnit, I can't stop dreaming about Priscilla. Last night, I was dreaming that I was outside in the rain, and I think it stopped raining, and I went to Priscilla's house to get some dry clothes (her clothes) because her house was closer than my house. (This sounds too similar to the day we skipped) In any case, I forgot to check the time and didn't realize that it was 5:15 pm and that's when her mom gets home. Well, so I kind of snuck in, her sister saw me and was like "What the fuck?" But I didn't say anything. I threw off my shoes and ran to Priscilla's room because I was freezing cold. Well, when I got done changing, I heard the little alarm thingy and her sister ran in and told me that her mom was home. And I was like fuck. So I hid beside Priscilla's bed. But her mom saw my shoes in the front, and she checked Priscilla's room but she didn't see me. And so she started bitching at Chanel (Priscilla's sister) cause she knew something was up. So finally, not being able to stand her bitching at the kid, I got up and told her I was in there. And then, amazingly enough she didn't bitch, she was just asking me what I was here, and we were on Priscilla's bed and we were just talking and shit. But we were like laying next to each other, shoulder touching shoulder, chatting. It was fucking weird and gross. But anyways, she was telling me that she forgave me and that I could talk to Priscilla now. Then I woke up. I had this other dream about Priscilla, but I don't remember what it was about. I just know that it wasn't half as good as this one. Yep. There's my dream. At least, this dream isn't fucking bizarre. And I know what it means. I don't know. I'm starting to get use to not talking to Priscilla. She really hasn't been on my mind as much. I just managed to block it off sorta.

I had another dream. It wasn't pleasant though. Some woman was bitching at me about my grades, and asking if I cared or not. Haha. It reminded me of the beginning of Catcher in the Rye. And then, I showed her this shit that I wrote, thinking I can trust her, it half contained what I wrote last night and half contained what I wrote at school. Oh yeah, she was bitching about how I paid even less attention this time then last time. And I thought I was paying attention just fine. And, it was confusing. I think it had to do with my confusing mood last night. I know what this dream means too!

I'm so proud of myself.

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Erm. I'm in a strange mood tonight. I think all my emotions have finally been brought under control. They let me out of ISS early. Oh wait, I said that already. Did I say that I was disappointed that they did? I wonder if the assistant principal will let me spend more days in ISS so I can be exempt from my exams. It's sad, I know, but I like being stuck in a cubicle all day. People make me nervous and paranoid. I don't think I've ever fully realized the extent of that until I got out of ISS that day. I like it a whole lot better. I don't think that's a good thing either. There's a point to this I swear. So in second period yesterday, we were watching Remember the Titans, and I almost started crying when they were clapping for the injure dood's mom. Don't remember the kids name. Ya kno' the one that got paralyzed by the accident. Yeah, I almost cried, which is passing strange because for one..it's in school, and two...I've seen that movie like a billion times and I never came close to tears. The reason I like ISS is because I'm more calm. When I got out, I could feel chaos tumbling in my head again. And my happiness died when I walked out of that door. It's because I'm scared shitless of people. That's a very disturbing thought.

For some strange reason, I can't stop thinking about Brandi. It's strange, how just a few years ago we were such close friends. She was honestly the first person that I've ever told about how I truly felt. And she was such a good kid too, until she started smoking pot. It's sad to think how much she has changed after that, and she's probably doing harder shit now. I remember getting into an argument with her last year when she turned me into the counselor for cutting. It really is no different from getting high. You're blocking off your emotions. She use to acknowledge her problems, now she's in constant denial. Using pot as an excuse to make her happy because she suffers from clinical depression. It's so sad. I've always been wary on who to trust after her. In the end, I can't hate her. God. I always loved her for her blunt honesty. Yep. I don't know why I'm even typing this. She wanted to kiss me once. Or make out, one of those, when we were on my bed. I remember us discussing whether or not it would bother us kissing girls. We both said it wouldn't. I wish I could help her find herself. Sometimes I do think it's my fault that she's addicted. I remember the first time she told me she got high. I remember her telling me she wouldn't do it again. I remember her doing it again, and I remember I didn't even bother to try and stop her.

Kensey McDonald. I've been thinking about her a lot of late to, it's probably because I've been seeing her a lot lately. Haha. I remember she wanted to kiss me last year and I her. She had a boyfriend or girlfriend..someone that liked her or whatever at the time. Don't remember. She told me I use to hate her in elementary school and hit her all the time. I have no recollection of that whatsoever. I supposedly stole her best friend from her back in elementary. I find that amusing. Things have changed. And I feel this strange little connection with her. It's not the connection that you feel having known someone for so long. It's something else. An understanding? We live such different lives, and yet, there's an unspoken understanding when our eyes meet. I don't feel the barrier with her that I feel with so many other people. There is no barrier. It feels like she can see right through me. It could also be her fucking pscyho vibe.

I think I'm missing people. I think I miss people that understand me. I miss Timothy McGuyver (I don't even know how to spell his last name, I use to) most of all. I don't know why. Yeah I do. I wish I could contact him somehow. God, I remember back in Apollo, when I first saw him in years, it was as if things never changed. I always thought he would make a good pilot. He's brilliant, but very fucked up. It's sad. He had so much potential, but he totally fucked himself, and I know why. He was always a bad kid. And always a horny mother fucker. Hehe. He was my first kiss. *Tear* Not really. We did it out of curiousity.

God, I remember Jefferey. He looks so handsome now. It's a shame he went to go live with his dad. I punched him in the nose in taekwondo and made him bleed. Not to mention we went to daycare together. He was great. I miss him. He's a good kid.

I don't know when I started to change. I use to be different from how I am now, obviously. Everyone is always changing. But I mean, I was never so cold. Depressed, yeah, but cold, no. I don't know when it started to happen. I can feel a part of me coming back...like just a few days ago..in ISS..also with the incident with Priscilla. I don't know. But it happens rarely. Maybe it's because I've repressed so much of my emotions. I just don't know. I use to be different. I wish I was the kid that was good at everything I did. I wish I was still the best flute player in the school. I wish I could still kick ass in Tae Kown Do. At least, I'm still decently good in softball. But fuck, even that has faltered. I'm not the same person as before. I felt it all coming back to me last week. But it's all gone now. I don't know what happened.

I think a part of me really did die that dreadful summer when I got into a fight with my dad. Priscilla told me one day at Shiloh, when her parents scream at her, she goes inside her head, basically blocking them off. When my parents scream at me, I'm more alert then I have ever been in my life. But at the same time, I'm not. Especially when they use to hit me. Beneath all the crying, beneath all the turmoil, something else lingered. It was a good feeling. A strange feeling, that I don't think was really suppose to be there. I don't know how to explain it. It was like a part of me was awakened. I don't know. I think it's the feeling of losing yourself.

My thoughts are starting to disturb me.

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Wah! I got out of ISS early today. After, umm, first period. Sucked. I don't want to go to sixth period because I'm going to have to take the god forsaken test which I didn't study for because I didn't know I was going to take it today. I want to go back. I can just sit there and do nothing. Yep. And then make up all my shit after spring break. Fucking a. Now I'm screwed. I'm going to ask Mr. Davis if I could do it after spring break or something because I didn't know what the short stories were and shit. Yep yep. I'll bribe him. I'll write him fifteen page short story. That should be great fun. Not really. Yep yep. I'm in a good mood. Okay, I'm going to go now.

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It's funny. If this was a few months ago I wouldn't be writing about love. I don't think I believed in love that much at the time. I believed it, but never believed that it would happen to me. It's amazing how my life has changed so much since then. I must say, EVERYTHING has changed. I'm no longer the same person that I use to be, on the outside at least, on the inside I still am. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Shit, I don't even know why I am typing this. I was thinking about all my friends I have had in the past and now. Yes, this is leading back to Priscilla. Damnit, that wasn't suppose to happen. I wasn't planning on writing this! Anyways, of all the friends I have had, Priscilla was my only genuine friend. Seriously, now I understand why she said, "Jessica is my only friend." Or perhaps, she's the only true friend. There might be a difference. Of all the people that have left my life, Priscilla is the only one that I genuinely miss, this is excluding Bettie of course. She's different. Hehe. Yeah, she told me last night to let Priscilla be. It's hard. So very hard. My mind wanders back to her even when I try to stop myself. If I really want her back, I have to. So I guess now is the time to let go. I've always been terrible at letting things go. This entry was suppose to be about Bettie, not Priscilla. Bloody hell.

If you really love someone, you'll let them go. Now that I'm in a more optimistic mood from last night, I'm glad that Bettie's going to go to boarding school in New York. I'm glad she's going to go make something of herself. She's going to have so many opprotunities there. Yep. She'll be the best. I'm happy for her. I'm happy that she'll finally be back where she's always wanted to be. New York. This isn't going to happen until like September, but I might as well get this shit off my bloody chest so it'll hurt less. I'll miss her. Yeah. But people come and go. Mayhap, she's one of those people. One of those people who come into someone's life changing them into a better person, and that was all that they were meant for. I'm happy that Bettie will get a chance to do what she wants. All I ever wanted was for her to be happy. And if she's happy, inside, I'll be happy too. =) Take the bad in with the good. It's a balance. Wow, I haven't thought like that in a long time. I'm in a strange mood right now. I just want her to be happy. And if this will make her happy. So be it. At least, I know I'll be giving her one thing. I won't be leaving her like I feared I would do. It hurts when everyone you've ever known has left you at one point or another, and it's come to the point where you don't see the point of opening yourself up if they're just going to leave anyways. It's a good feeling to know that you won't be left behind this time. I told you I wouldn't leave, Bettie. =) I probably just jinxed myself. At least, I'll be giving her that. I'm in a very pleasant mood. Si si, I am.

But my dreams have been totally fucked up. I'm surprised I remember them. I'm surprised they're so easy to analyze. Except for that one, which I don't remember now. I've had it before. It was a good dream, with suspense and everything, even though I knew what was going to happen. I had a dream that my dad died on his birthday. It was a strange feeling I had in my dream and when I awoke. Love. I do love my dad. I love my dad more then I like to admit. More then I show. *Pleasant sigh* I'm in a dangerously strange mood. I'm about to leave for school. ISS here I come! God, I feel like I've wasted 8 hours of my life in there. Just sitting there doing nothing. Ohhh, we have a sub today. Fuck yeah!

Gotta go. See ya!

I love you Bettie!

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