I'm going to forget to say this.

Priscilla..

See if you're parents will let you go out Nov. 18th. It's on a Thursday. I want you to go to group with me! Well, it's more like thanksgiving dinner. I think it's on the 18th. Anyways, yeah. Uhh...you'll be home by 10 or maybe earlier if they want you home earlier.

Toodles.

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Wow, I'm in a really good mood now that I came back from group. It was something that I really needed. I love the plano group, it's so much better than the dallas group. Well, not better, but I like the people in the dallas group but I like the topics and the intellectual conversations in the plano group. Yes, I might be starting a gender identity group sooner than expected. Andrew said he knows a few transgender folks who'll want to come because it's closer to them. That's really cool. I'm excited. And Andrew might be coming to plano group sometimes. Yay! Hehehe. He's so cool.

Anyways, we were talking about body image and if we thought that there was more added pressure on the LGBT community. I think for the gay guys there's more added pressure but for the lesbians I think it's the same as the heterosexual women. Everyone struggles with body image, but it just amazed me how much people try to change for other people. When it comes to body image, I really don't give a crap about what other people think. I wouldn't change for them. I would change for me. I really don't understand why people get soo worried about what to wear and how they impress people. You can't impress everyone in the whole world. You only have to impress yourself. And plus, you'll never be how you want to if you try to please other people. Ultimately, you have to live with yourself, you have to be happy with who you are inside.

My parents call me fat all the time and they always complain about how I dress. And I will never ever change for them because I'm happy with who I am. At least, appearance wise that is. Granted, I would be happier if I lost a few pounds, but it doesn't bother me to the point where I'm going to develop some eating disorder. I've accepted the fact that there are some people that will like me for who I am and others who won't. Those who don't, great, they have their own taste. Those who do, yay! Hehe. Candice asked me last night if I like to be called pretty. Being called pretty doesn't exactly make me feel all giddy and happy inside, but it doesn't bother me either. I just don't thing the word "pretty" defines me. I like "cute". Hehe. Only because I see myself that way. I've known people to fall in love with my tummy. LoL. Which is bizarre. I don't know. Maybe I remind them of a cute cuddly teddy bear? Heh.

Ahhh! Black Tie Dinner was last night. I wanted to goo soo bad. I am soo going next year, if I'm here. Even though it cost like $300 for a ticket. It's great. You can meet all these celeberties and meet famous people. Emmet and Debbie from Queer as Folk was there. And two people from the L Word was there. One of them, the blonde one, is actually a lesbian. Yay! Hehe. It'll just be soo cool to be there. To experience it. To meet all these people who I have changed the world in all their different ways. It was a fundraiser type thing. Youth First Texas might actually get money for it. That's real cool. My face was on the video. Yay. I've been seen by celeberties. I was being watched by thousands of people. How exciting. Now, I'm just being a dork.

Mmm. We started talking about depression and relationships. And this one guy gave really good advice. When you're depressed, you just have to find ways to distract yourself so you won't wallow in the depression. You have to find some kind of routine that will keep you busy and eventually that depression will lift. Sometimes it takes a few weeks, months, and even years but it eventually goes away. The more you think about it the more depressed you get. I think that's how I finally was able to deal with my depression. I worked soo much. So fucking much over the summer after Bettie and I broke up. I worked almost every single day. And when I didn't work I would go crazy. It was just a way for me to distract myself, not to think about it. I mean, I felt depressed, but I had other things on my mind so I wouldn't be thinking about it all the time, I wouldn't fall deeper into depression. It was really cool. It helped a lot. Good advice. I love him. Hehe. He's soo gay. It's cute seeing adults that are like flaming gay. Hehe.

Someone at group who is like only 16 has already had plastic surgery. God damn. Why would anyone want to do that? If you pay to be beautiful you aren't beautiful. Wise words from another gentleman. I've always believed that it's a persons strengths and flaws that make that person who they are. No one is perfect. No one will ever be perfect. We try so hard to be perfect. Why? It's the imperfections that make a person perfect.

I'm in a very good mood.

Whoo hoo.

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Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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Wow.

I think I just figured out my biggest fear.

Losing the people that mean a lot to me.

I still have this feeling that everyone that I'll ever open up to will eventually leave.

That's why I like being with Lewis. I can be cold and detached. I don't have to open up to him and he doesn't have to open up to me. We have this silent agreement. We don't expect each other to stay friends forever.

I was perfectly happy with not giving a fuck. Being by myself. Shit, I was perfectly happy without feeling the need to bloody express myself all the god damn time. And I mean the mushy sentimental kind of expression.

At least I'm not angry all the time anymore. Yay! But but, I miss my dark and mysterious side! It made me all..mysterious. Hehehe.

I also love being able to feel. But sometimes it gets too much. And I'm feeling good happy emotions. Yay. As well as everything else. It scares me, this change. I've spent my whole life trying not to let this kind of thing happen, because it leaves me vulnerable to pain and all that stuff. In three months, my fortress was cracked, and now it's tumbling to the ashen ground. I want so hard to just throw the walls back up, to save myself from even the possibility of being hurt. But I can't. I can honestly say that I can't build up my walls anymore.

I would rather risk getting hurt than pushing everyone that I love and care about away. I've seen the pain that I've put my parents through, that I've put my friends through, and they don't deserve that. Well, it's not that I push them away, I just don't let them in. They deserve better. I don't want them to always smack dead straight into a cement wall. The consequences of letting them in is worth it. Even if I'll get hurt. There's so much that so many people can teach me. You have to take the bad in with the good. Even with pain, you learn.

When did I become such an optimist?

I find myself wanting to talk to Bettie more and more now that I've gotten over her. It's bizarre. I don't like ending things on a bad note. I want to know how she's doing and I'm curious to see if she's changed at all.

I HATE Chhai so much. So fucking much. Ughhh. Filthy filthy guy. I hate him soo much. And I hate David. But I hate Chhai the most. Fucking bastard. I'm soo happy that I've rid myself of him.

Okay. Enough bullshit. I'm done emoting.

I feel better.

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If you don't know it yet...I'll relieve you of the hassle..

Dun..dun..dun..

Anticipation, isn't it sweet?

LoL.

You got a 1410!

Ha! I told you so! I was ten points off!

Yay! Congratulations!

So you're going to UT or UTD?

Talk about scholarship.

I'm soo happy for you.

You make me proud! =D

Oh yeah, btw...

Math: 650
Verbal: 750

Dude, you raised your points 140 points..that's a lot.

OMG. I am soooo happy for you. I really really really am. See me smile! =D =D =D =D =D

If you were here or I was there, I would give you a big hug. Hehehe.

Enough of my mushy side.

Now you can take a deep breath.

What a relief, eh?

I told you you could do it!

"Noo, I don't think I scored that high. I seriously don't."

Ha! I laugh.

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I'm off of my period!
Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! YAY!!

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