I remembered those days when her soft gentle fingers would brush against my skin making my skin crawl. I remember the times when she would run her hand through my hair, and I would just totally die because she was touching me. I remember always wanting to be close to her, to comfort her when she was sad, to be there when she was happy. I would do anything to please her. My stomach would go into knots, my brain would shut down, I would get all anxious around her, but all I wanted in the world was her company, it was the happiest thing in the world to me then. Deep in my heart, every single day, I would hope against all hopes that we would one day be together. I remember when I first saw her, my heart fucking stopped in its tracks. I was reading the message boards on planetout..and there was this response that really caught my attention. Although, I've been told this before, it didn't make sense until I realized I myself have experienced it. Love blinded me. I always had this nagging feeling in my head that perhaps she swung the other way. It's a bitch falling in love under the illusion that the person is gay when she's really straight. Illusions. And you know, that nagging feeling still hasn't left me 'till this day. It's true. First loves always stay. I had a dream about her the other night. I told her sister yesterday at band but I don't think she caught the meaning behind it. We were at China Town, I was hanging out with Mary, my parents were about to pick me up and May was about to pick Mary up. I saw May and she told me that we were going to go somewhere really far away. As in, Houston or something. I was like, "Dude, my parents are right there. Let me ask them if I can go." So I went to ask them, and of course they said no. And that was a major disappointment. I couldn't go with them. I couldn't go with May. I know to this day, if May all of a sudden declared that she was a lesbian and was secretly in love with me and what not, I would soo go back to her without hesitating. That terrifies me. Not really. I know it's not going to happen. Haha. Ever since I started thinking about her, I've been having crazy dreams that I can't remember. But the essence of the emotions in the dreams remain with me. Daniel Kim said something to me today that I found kind of amusing. He asked me, "Are feeling alright? You seem happy." Now isn't that strange? He's worried because I was happy? That just proved how depressed I use to be. I've changed though. I am a lot happier. I'm more confident in myself, and my confidence makes me secure, and being secure makes me happy. My paranoia seemed to have subsided when my confidence rose. I'm allowing myself to feel excitment, joy, and all that jazz. I'm allowing myself to enjoy band. That's why I'm happy. I'm happy about being in marching band, to be active again. My confidence is back. And even when I mess up, I don't dwell on it, I work on not messing up. I've been taught this my whole life but I've never put it into practice until now. My adrenalin rush is back. Fuck yeah. My competitiveness. My patience. You know what I want to do this year? I want to make All-State. I want to be back in first chair. I want to be the best. I will be the best, because I've got the skills, I just don't practice. I'll be the best that I can be. The only person that I think is a better flute player then me is Ruth Park and Gina Leija. Only because those are the only two that are serious about the flute. More serious then I could ever be. I'm in it for the competition. They're in it because they enjoy it. They're passion for the flute carries them a whole lot further then any talent, practice, or skill. I enjoy the game. It's time for them to better themselves. Maybe I'm just in one of my weird moods. I know one thing. I'm elated about possibly going to the same school with Priscilla again! Princeton Reviews says that although the school is very tolerant of minorty groups, those that fit in are generally the white hetersexual people. Mwuahaha. Change. How I love change. Time for me to go to bed. Try outs tomorrow. Drill time. Fuck yeah!

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Omg! A&M has clinical psychology as a major. They have a fucking unbelievable marching band. Priscilla's going to be going to A&M. I don't have to go out of state...and it's cheap..but I have to get my SAT grades up and take the ACT... A&M is now added to my college list. In fact, I was just looking at the website, it's my first choice, and it's not because Priscilla's going there. If I get accepted to A&M, I'm going to join the Corps of Cadets so I can be in the marching band. And it'll be easy (I think) for me to get a scholarship for that. Everyone knows that Berkner is one of the best High School marching bands around. The whole discipline and leadership talk just trapped me. I'm hooked already! I never thought I would hear myself say this, but I don't think I can live without marching band. Seriously. A&M is has a fucking good marching band too. Only thing bad about it is that it's military style..and it's going to hurt. They don't have center aile...they only have flat to the front, and when you play the flute, it fucking hurts and it's tiring as hell. But ohhh, I wanna go!! I didn't know they offered clinical psychology and counseling too. Fuck. I hope I make it in. Gotta get my SAT up though.

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Hmmm. So, I think my co-workers think I'm a lesbian now seeing how Erric and Anthony decided to make jokes about what I eat last night. LoL. It's actually quite funny. But Erric kept saying he was fucking joking. Yeah right. There's truth behind all jokes. What pissed me off was not the fact that he was making fun of me cause I'm a lesbian, but because he was saying it like it was bad. Good grief. He likes pussy. Why can't I? Hmph. Thank goodness, he's leaving in a week!

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Sucks. I'm still in a pissy mood. And I have to go to work in fucking 45 minutes. Yay. Whoo fucking hoo. Stupid manager can't find my fucking check and gives me an attitude when I ask. I'm tired of his shit. I'm tired of everyone's shit. I'm seriously thinking about giving my two weeks notice. The store is just plain BULLSHIT now. But then again, everything is bullshit. So I'm bitter and cynical right now. Half of what I type I probably don't mean. Acceptance. Something that I've searched for all my life but I could never find. I was thinking about that last night. And now I just want to say, "Fuck everyone." Seriously. My dad was right, all anyone wants is to help themselves. Except those rare few. It's a nasty world. And I'm about close to just being my nasty self. =D Fuck acceptance. Once again, my "I don't give a shit" attitude is back up again. Only, I give a shit about not giving a shit. I was thinking about something. I am an arrogant little ass and all that jazz. And I do think I'm better then some people. Not everyone. Hmmm. I've never really thought about that. Bettie thought it was a facade when I was mean to her. But really, it wasn't. It came naturally, and I liked it. Is that bad? Haha. But I don't have the arrogance that perhaps someone like Ken has. I don't believe that I'm better then people. I just like to think I am. No no no, that doesn't make sense. I don't neccesarily think people are below me or above me. It's more like an, "Let's see if you can impress me" kind of attitude. I guess. But then again, I have such low confidence that it just sounds all contradicting. Depends on the person really. I'm too nice. I've come to that conclusion. Too fucking nice. And I'm tired of hiding. I'm tired of hiding who I am and trying to be someone that I'm not at work. Fuck that. I could care less about work, and if I get fired. From now on, I'm going to be my curious questioning arrogant rebellious self again. Heh. No one has really seen my rebellious side (excluding family) except maybe Tim. And that was a long time ago. I really don't know what I'm talking about because I am saying all of this out of anger I guess. Whee! But I am in a much better mood now that I've got rid of it. Okay. Work calls. later.

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I'm so annoyed right now. So I totally snapped at my manager today. Talk about tension afterwards. I'm actually thinking about quiting. Everyone there except maybe Steve annoys the FUCK out of me. I wish Corry didn't transfer. Everything with my manager, just starts to build up, and holding it in just isn't possible, and when he gets an attitude with me for trying to help a god damn customer, yeah, eventually I just get so annoyed that I just say something. And they keep giving me shit about what to wear. Excuse me. Like I fucking knew what the fuck to wear or not to wear on Hawaiian weekend. Maybe he, as the god damn manager, should do a better job at informing the employees. I'm tired of his fucking lack of presence. And then all of a sudden we get some new assistant manager, and he all of sudden decides to be the manager that he is? Maybe he should learn to fucking do it without someone leading him every fucking step. Thank goodness I've learned the art of keeping my mouth shut. Or else..ugh. I would probably get fired on the spot. Haha. Oh well, it's not like I have bills to pay or anything. One thing I'm good at is shutting people down when I'm annoyed. Ugh.

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I just watched a really good movie called So Close. Omg, it's so sad, but it has an happy ending but it doesn't because it's all realistic and stuff. Why are most of the good movies all foreign? I think I'm going to go buy the movie. It's soo..I can't even find the words to describe it. I'm filled with soo many emotions, good and bad, right now that it's just..overwhelming. What a great movie. And the asian chicks in there were fucking beautiful. The cop looks really familiar, I think I've seen her in some Jackie Chan movie or something. Wow. Unbelievable. It was great. Absolute genius. It gets me thinking. Which is kind of bad right now. I haven't really looked at a girl in what seems like ages. I think I just kind of shut that part of me down. But after watching that movie, I curse it now, omg, it was fucking beautiful. It hit like ALL my soft spots, repeatedly. And you know who it made me think of? May. I think May is like the only asian person that I have ever been attracted to that's not an actress or something. I still don't understand why I looked up to her. Seriously. If it would work, even in friendship, I would still be there. She's just closes herself off to everyone but guys. And opens herself up to the wrong fucking guys, and gets into a habit of doing it, and it's frustrating because it's stupid! LoL. Fuck. The feelings are coming back again. My parents never liked her. Then again, they don't like any of my friends. I think I thought of May as an older sister. I know I did. How to explain. Priscilla knows! The whole your younger so they just kind of adopt you into the "family"...who accepted you when you felt that you wouldn't fit in. That kind of thing. That was the past. So anyways, the customer that suggested that I watch So Close, said that I would really like it because it fit me. Which gets me to question just how much he knows about me. Or was it just coincidence that it just happened to have these two chicks loving each other. I wish my mom was more understanding to the fact that I'm a lesbian. Or more accepting. Or whatever. I really do. Now, it's just something that we don't talk about. Hell, I haven't even told my dad yet. Although, he must have his suspicions, I don't exactly try to hide it. But then again, it's like what that one guy said at the book store, "It's not your problem, it's theirs." I suppose that's another reason why I can't wait for college to start. I can finally get away and be myself. I don't have to hide behind some fucking curtain. And I can express myself in any fucking way I want to. Thank goodness. I need to be more assertive.

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