Friends make me happy.

I told Brandi about Mistress and I. You know, I still don't quite understand our relationship. Are we friends? I don't even know. I haven't had a real conversation with her in ages. And yet, I tell her a lot of shit that most people don't know about. It's just easy to talk to her. I need to hang out with her one day. I just like talking to her. Even if she can be a real bitch. Haha. But it's all good. Oh, I like getting high with her too. She's like the only person I like getting high with the exception of Priscilla. But I don't get high, so that's out. I miss her innocence actually. She's changed so much. She looks so different. You can tell she's taking more shit then just weed. It makes me sad. I had a chance of helping her but I didn't. I wish I could help her now, but I can't. It's strange, I still have some fond feelings for her. Even though sometimes we can really piss each other off. But it seems, we always end up being okay. Strange, very strange. And there isn't really any bad vibes either. I think it's because we both know too much about each other. Even though we don't speak that often and only see each other for a few seconds, there's a strange little connection, something left unsaid. Something we share with just silence. And that's why we still talk. Oh yeah. But she's someone I can't trust. And someone I can't get too close to.

I've realized something. The only person I've ever told any secrets to was to Priscilla. And I realized I don't have that many secrets. Is that a bad thing? Even the deep personal shit that I tell some people, if they were to leak it to other people, it wouldn't really bother me. But then, I only tell people shit after I have it all figured out, after it has passed. Priscilla was the only person that I told things to when they were actually going on.

Okay, so I had to get Brandi out of my system. That felt good. I love writing man. It helps so fucking much. It's great. When there's no one to listen, the other best method is to write and write to your hearts content!

One more subject to talk about. But that's for tomorrow cause it'll be long long long.

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Funny.

I was actually going to write something optimistic.

I'm not up for anything now.

Or ever.

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I'm not keeping Mistress interested. I don't know how to keep Mistress interested. I wonder what I can do to keep Mistress interested. I want Mistress to be interested. If Mistress isn't that won't be good. I feel like I'm not a good sub to Mistress. I need to serve Mistress better. I need to try harder in pleasing Mistress.

I'm crushed.

I feel useless to Mistress.

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Mark's entry on his Xanga made me sad, it only reminded me of Priscilla again. Speaking about Priscilla, I had a dream about her and her family last night. And what's really strange is I've had dreams of being close to Priscilla's mom before. Sometimes it was a little too close for my own comfort. But yeah, anyways, this was a "normal" closeness but weird nonetheless. So I was somewhere, I don't remember where, but all of a sudden Priscilla's whole family drives by in their camery and Priscilla's dad was asking me if I wanted a lift. I was like..."Uhhh, aren't yall mad at me?" But I said yes. I opened the door and Priscilla's mom was sitting in the back seat, Chanel was sitting in the front, and Priscilla was sitting in the middle looking all uncomfortable and awkward and shit because that was the first day since the incident that we have even seen each other. Asa was in the car..but I don't remember where. I think he was sitting up front with Chanel. In any case, so Priscilla's dad started driving and me and Priscilla's mom starts getting into an argument about skipping school and shit. All of a sudden, it's Priscilla's mom driving the car and she takes me back to the place where I got picked up. And Priscilla's dad was like, "No, you can't do this, I promised I would take her home already." And Priscilla's mom was like, "So what?" Blah blah blah. And then I started talking really calmly to Priscilla's mom, and I started discussing with her some of my concerns about her methods of "teaching" her children and shit. When we started discussing that and she stopped playing the blaming game, we were not arguing. We were actually getting along just fine and bonding and shit. I mean, I could still feel she was a bit upset with me, but she started to understand me more and I her, and we just started to get along a little better. And then I woke up. Now, I have no idea what on earth this dream means. Man, I remember having a dream with me and her on Priscilla's bed and we were laying next to each other like we were friends or some shit. It was fucking weird. Maybe it means one day in the future Priscilla's mom and I will come to an understanding after we vent our anger out on each other. I don't know. It's disturbing that I don't understand what this dream means.

I'm depressed.

And I'm worried that I may not be pleasing Mistress. Her pupils didn't dialate like they did yesterday.

I curse Priscilla for teaching me about pupils dialating. Now I have all night to fret over the matter. Nah, actually, it's a good thing to know.

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I'm in one of my moods.

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Whoaa. I'm in such a good mood. I feel sooo fucking alive. Wow, I just realized how dead I was this week until I saw Mistress today. I have so much to say. Oh yes, I do! I don't even know where to begin. Let's start with...Mistress collared me today! I'm so honored. I'm glad Mistress found me worthy enough to be collared. I seriously haven't been horny in so long. I almost forgot what it felt like. When Mistress kissed me today, my blood was burning. I have never felt the yearning to touch and be touched so strong in my fucking life. It was unbelieveable. Just fucking amazing. Mistress made me kneel and crawl around in my room and then kneel again beside my bed for what seemed like forever. I felt so helpless, but it was great. She wanted me to go down on her but I didn't feel comfortable doing that just yet, so she didn't make me, and I thank her for that. I really did appreciate that kind gesture. It just gives me a greater desire to please Mistress. I'm so happy that such an amazing Mistress has collared me. I feel kind of..uhh..special. I'm finally someone's property. Not just anyone, but Mistress' property. God, I swear, I was born for this. It feels so right. I don't want to keep Mistress waiting. So I'm done. For now!

And I am back. At first I was really nervous about this D/s relationship. And I thought there would tension of some sort because Mistress was no longer my girlfriend. I was actually worried that I wouldn't be able to submit myself to someone that wasn't my girlfriend. But after today, I realized that that was not the case. When she first teased me today, I automatically went into sub space. I couldn't help myself. This past week I really haven't been in the sub mind set, but after today, I am definitely in the sub mind set. It just kind of slipped in place. *sigh* I feel super duperty wonderful.

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