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Waste of Skin
Sunday. 3.14.04 6:30 pm
I wouldn't mind living an eternity alone, if I was just able to affect someone's life in a good way. The only person I've ever really affected was Priscilla. And I'm not sure myself if it was in a good way or not. I'm not like Bettie, where she changes people's lives with just her presence. You know, that's one thing I admire about her the most, her power to affect people. You can see it in people's eyes, the way the look at her, it's something in them was awakened by her. I'm not like Priscilla with her charisma and charm. I can't get people to look at me and see their younger self. It's amazing how Priscilla can get her teachers to be so happy. I bet she's as much as a teacher to them as they are to her. And what am I good for? Nothing. I don't know anything. I don't know how to do anything. I'm just a waste of bloody skin.

God, I wish I knew how to love myself.

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Torn
Sunday. 3.14.04 6:11 pm
I'm beginning to wonder if I should just deny the submissive part of me. Every time I get that tingling, helpless feeling, my relationships always end up getting fucked up. Every single one of them. Being submissive is a big part of me, but maybe I should just fucking deny myself, cause it's that part of me that always pushes people away. Everyone seems to like me better when I'm a fake arrogant asshole. Or rather, are more attracted to me. You know, secretly inside, I've always wanted someone to know the real me. Bettie is the only person that has ever gotten in. Now I'm beginning to wonder if it is better that people don't know me. It hurts, but it hurts less. God, ever since May, I promised myself never to be so dependent and attached to anyone ever again. I broke that promise to myself and it's cost me to get hurt. Anyways, I knew the risk I was taking. And yeah, I had great times with Bettie. But I have great times with a lot of people. The only difference is that I'm deeply in love with her, and I care more about her then I do about myself. I can't help but think that I haven't affected her life at all. I still can't understand why she loves me. I'm beginning to question if she really does. I'm beginning to question if it was just the chase that she loved. Not me. And maybe it was lust for me and not love. Our relationship is going to end. I know it. I can feel it. I've done all I can...

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Alone
Sunday. 3.14.04 12:23 pm
I wish I could make her happy. Everyone comes and goes into her life knowing only bits and pieces of her. I wish I knew all of her. But I don't. I'm scared what I will become once she leaves for boarding school. Without Priscilla and without her, I'll revert back to my old self. I'll become cold and detatched. I can already feel it coming. I can feel the depression setting in. I'll be like I am at school just ten times worse. I feel so alone. I haven't thought those words in a really long time, because it's been a really long time since I've felt like I'm truly alone. Things are so different without Priscilla. I wish I could talk to her. Again, dreams of her continue to haunt me. I wish I could feel closer to Bettie. I never really realized how safe I felt with her. That's strange. I don't feel safe with anyone. She'll be out of my life soon, and I'll be left alone. God, the thought of her leaving hurts so bad. But I'm glad I was given the chance to open up to someone completely. I have this feeling that won't happen in a very long time. I'm scared of myself. I'm scared of being alone with myself, with no one to turn to but myself. I can feel it coming back. Just at the edge of my consciousness. I have to learn how to be completely alone. Priscilla was the only friend that really gave a rat's ass about me. Ughh. Welcome back. Back into the darkness I go.

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Iffy
Thursday. 3.11.04 9:19 pm
I'm so pissed off. My entry just got fucking deleted when I pressed the back button on the keyboard. That's soo fucking fucked up. Piece of shit. Ugh. It doesn't matter, I'm not going to bother retyping. Max is coming back out. I can feel him. My mind has been so quiet and calm this past few days, other then from the boredom and my thoughts, but now, I can feel him again. Not to mention, I'm all anxious about school starting back up. I really did like ISS a whole lot better. I was so alone and I didn't have people watching me and I didn't have to talk to anyone. I could just be by myself. Blah. I think this is what this feeling is...anxiety. Fun. I think that's why I go through the whole day of school feeling numb and detatched. Cause I manage to block the feeling off. At least, I don't have anxiety attacks like Brandi. It's only cause I know how to block it off. That thought disturbs me. I need to learn how to think when the high feeling starts to settle in. I had the most fucked up dream last night. I was about to get fucking raped in my dream, but then Bettie called, thank goodness, and it didn't happen cause well, I woke up. But yeah, I was about to get raped and abused by this chick who managed to kill my dad some how in my house, and she was wearing his skin and talking like him, but it was the scary asian chick who kinda looked like a ghost. The chick was suppose to be the chick from that BDSM story I was reading, but she was asian. Her name was CaineKaine. Caine was the chick was now...and Kaine was the chick she was back then. Oh fuck! This makes sense. Ohh...fucking...shit. Max manages to communicate to me through a dream. Unbelievable. My head hurts and the high is coming in. Terrific. I don't need this, not right now. Ughhh. I'm sooo confused.

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Pissed off
Wednesday. 3.10.04 4:49 pm
I'm pissed off. Ugh. It doesn't matter anymore. I don't give a shit. I'm not even going to bother arguing. I hate this. My parents need to learn how to properly ground someone. I feel like I'm high. At least I don't have it as bad as Priscilla. Blah. Fuck it. I've been in cage my whole life, it won't hurt if it last until I graduate. Whatever. All I ever get to do is look through it at the world never able to fully experience it. At least I'm not in solitary confinement like Priscilla. But I'm still trapped in reality and trapped in my own mind, living in a fantasy that is never to come true. Caged in all angles. The only reality I know is the reality of my own fucking misery. It's no wonder I cling to it like a babe clings to its mothers breasts. It's the only thing that I've ever believed to be true that has been my companion through this long pointless journey.

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Cold
Tuesday. 3.9.04 11:49 am
Ugh. I think I'm catching a goddamn cold. The lady cut my hair really short. I don't like it. Oh well, it'll grow out to the length I want it in a few days. Thank goodness my hair grows fast. But ugh, it's really short. I look like one of those fucking chinese boys that live in the middle of no where on a farm picking vegetables with their fucking asian-fied chinese farmer hats. Yep. I can't wait until my hair grows out. By the time I get back to school, it'll be the length that I want it, or just about, so it's all good. I haven't talked to Bettie in a while. Okay, I talked to her on umm, what's today..Tuesday? I talked to her on Sunday...but that was only for like ten minutes. I miss her. I had a dream that I was working at Blockbuster which was somehow next to my parents store. I have a feeling I was dreaming something else that was more disturbing. So I might get my car back on Thursday. I wanna go to group and I wanna eat at fucking Panchos!!! And of course, I want to see fucking Bettieee. I can't wait. I'm not getting my hopes up though, cause I don't want to get disappointed and pissed off cause my parents won't gimme back my car. It's been like.............a month..actually I think only 3 weeks.

Today's the 9th. Wow. Bettie and I have been going out for three montheroos. I'm so sleepy but I'm at work now. I'm not so scared about getting hurt anymore. This being the longest relationship I've ever been in doesn't scare me anymore. I mean, I've opened up to her completely, and I've realized that I can't even close myself back up even if I wanted to. I've accepted the fact that I will get hurt, no matter what. When she leaves, it'll hurt like fuck. But it doesn't scare me anymore. I wanna spend as much time with her as possible. Maybe this is why things feel so calm right now. I've always worried that our fighting or lack of seeing each other would inevitably cause our break up. The break up. Something I was soo very scared of. I mean, yeah, still scared of it, but not so much. I don't know why. I don't know how to explain it. Bettie said on her xanga that she feels like I'm becoming more and more like a friend. I don't know if that is a good thing or bad thing for her, but to me that's a good thing. And Bettie is feeling more like a friend to me too, a different kind of a friend, but the friend vibe nonetheless. I think it's suppose to feel this way. But I could be wrong. I should ask my parents. Haha. Or it could be that I watch too many romantic movies.

I mean, when we first started out, we completely skipped the whole friend part. I didn't know how to be friends with someone and then see if things could grow from there, and neither did Bettie. As much as I tried to make it like that, I failed miserably. So the whole friendship part we just kinda skipped. But now, she does feel more like a friend. Oh, I don't know how to explain it. It was more lust then friendship. But I do love her. Make sense? It barely makes sense to me. I know Bettie doesn't tell me a lot of things. I know she keeps a lot of things to herself. Maybe it's this friendship vibe thing that she needs so she'll be more comfortable talking. Or maybe it'll be backwards. I don't know. But I very much wish I could talk to Bettie right now, but the fucker is in school.

Me sleepy.

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