Home | Join! | Help | Browse | Forums | NuWorld | NWF | PoPo   
Failure
Tuesday. 4.20.04 11:41 pm
Mistress is disappointed with me. I don't want to disappoint Mistress anymore. I deserve to be punished. Mistress, I will do better, I promise! I love you, Mistress.

Comment! (0) | Recommend!

Confused
Tuesday. 4.20.04 11:05 pm
Whoaaa. I'm soo fucking confused.

I'm way too fucking open. Too open. Too vulnerable.

This scares me.

Too much.

I give people my trust too easily now.

Fuck, I'm going to end up getting hurt.

Oh yeah. I know it.

But I can't bloody help it anymore.

I don't know how to close myself off.

This fucking sucks.

I feel too fragile.

I'm not cold and detached anymore.

It scares me and sometimes I want to fall back on that.

But it is gone.

I really have changed.

Fuck.

Comment! (0) | Recommend!

Bad
Tuesday. 4.20.04 12:22 am
I'm really bad at this whole sub thing. I keep disappointing Mistress by forgetting to follow Mistress' rules. But I know them now, and I won't forget. I'll be good from now on. I hope Mistress will be pleased with her gifts. I love Mistress.

Comment! (0) | Recommend!

D/s
Friday. 4.16.04 2:00 am
Three and a half more hours before I leave for Florida. I'm trying to decide if I should bring a camera. Nah, I've never brought a camera before, I won't start now. The closer I come to leaving, the more I don't want to go. I just spent about the last hour and a half talking to Mahmud. It's weird but I just started talking to him like three weeks ago and I trust him already and tell him a lot of things. He's an awesome guy. I have so much to look forward to on my return back as well as a lot of complications to settle. I think I will use my time in Florida as a reflection time. I need time to really think about shit that's really confusing me and weirding me out.

On a brighter note. Bettie is my Mistress now. Quite honestly, I spent a good part of yesterday trying to bring that yearning back and get back into the mind set of a submissive and decide if I really wanted a Dom. Well, I made my decision already and now I have a Mistress. How do I feel about this? Well, firstly, it's like a dream come true, but like all dreams it didn't seem real until I started talking to Mistress on the phone and actually calling her Mistress. I am definitely exploring new ground and I am very curious what Mistress has in store for me. At first it felt strange addressing her as Mistress instead of her name, but I'm getting really use to it now. Calling her Mistress adds to my feeling of helplessness and her control over me. I never knew addressing someone in such a way would have that much of an affect. Mistress said she might have a collar for me next weekend. I'm excited. It's a real privelige to have Mistress collar me. I'm thankful that Mistress is being patient with me and starting out slow. I really do trust Mistress completely. I hope I don't disappoint Mistress anymore. I don't want what happened today to happen again. I just want to be a good sub and please Mistress.

Soon Mistress will own all of me. I can't wait.

Comment! (0) | Recommend!

Can't sleep
Tuesday. 4.13.04 5:03 am
Bloody fuck. I spent the last hour trying to fall asleep. I want to sleep, damnit. I like my sleep. But I can't sleep. Fuck. Tomorrow is going to be hell. Stupid fucking Lexapro. I feel like I'm taking Adderall but instead of my mind slowing down, it's like going a hundred miles per hour and I feel really ADD right now, plus I feel like I have the stomach virus without the shitting every five minutes. And I thought Adderall made me sick. I feel sooo fucking nauseus right now, it's not even funny. And this laptop seemed to way like a hundred pounds. I feel like I have a nonexistent migraine. I think this is the shit that Brandi's shrink put her on that made her lose like fifty pounds. That's a plus for me. But fuck, I'm not taking this shit if it's going to wake me up after I only get two hours of fucking sleep. Ugh. I'll wait until my body gets adjusted to it. However long that will take. Yep. I definitely feel ADD. I just had like a million thoughts go through my head and now I don't remember a single one of them except the one where my brother and I both had to go diarrhea at the same time in the middle of the night. Oh yeah. I liked it sooo much better when my mind was a blank. That wasn't a random thought I swear. I can feel a migraine coming. My tummy is growling but the thought of eating makes me sick. Man, I was having a good dream too. I don't remember what it was about though. This shit is just making me annoyed. I have to work tomorrow until close too. I feel like I just took a large dose of cough medicine. Okay. I'm going to try and go back to sleep. Okay. That going back to sleep is a fucking joke. Some of the side affects are nausea and insomnia. Fucking wonderful. I can feel my body telling me that I'm tired. But I can't sleep. This is making me pissy. I'm going to go play some games. I should do precal homework actually but I don't think I can concentrate enough to do my precal homework. This six weeks is over anyways. It's okay if I bomb one quiz. But then again, I think it counts as a 100 points. That's like a test. That wouldn't be good. My goal this six weeks is to make an A in precal. God, that letter seems soo foreign to me. I can't remember the last time I made an A. (Excluding band of course) Let's see. My goal is to make an A in History too. That'll be easy. All I gotta do is turn in my work. And my goal is to make a hmm...high B in English. I don't care about college reading, that class is easy anyways. And fuck physics. School is almost out. Yay! I'm trying to decide if I should play softball this year. I gave myself a papercut today at work. It hurt really bad. I almost started crying. Not really. Bettie wants to be my Dom. That'll be neat. I would have to get back into the mind set of it all. And right now I can't do much of anything but sit here and ramble and listen to my tummy growl and remind me that it's hungry. I don't feel nauseas anymore. But I'm afraid if I go eat I'll start feeling it again. Food doesn't sound very appealing right now. Man, and just earlier I was graving chocolate. Maybe I'm thirsty. My band director in junior high told me that hunger can often be mistaken for umm..thirst.

My manager is so awesome. He's fun and he knows how to bring a customer back. We hired another person. She use to work at Blockbuster. Yep. At this store actually. Now we won't be so short. Man, I'm the newest employee and least experienced and I'm working more hours then the rest of the CSRs. Eric and I have been working the most hours. Hours = money. I think I'm becoming obsessed with money because I want more hours so I can have more money. It's fustrating not having money.

So like today is officially Bettie's birthday. Happy birthday gurlie. Hehe. I haven't typed gurlie like that in so long. I hope Eric is working the night shift tomorrow so I can talk on the phone. Haha. I'm going to take Alec to Shiloh one day. One of these days. I am so completely fucked right now. I'm ready for school to start and this day to end so I can be tired and sleep. My dad is leaving on Thursday and I'm leaving on Friday to Orlando, Florida at 3:45 A.M. We have to be at school that early. I'm not going to sleep Thursday night. Nope nope nope. I need to get my brothers portable dvd player so I can watch it on the plane. You know, I've been to Disney World like three times and I can't remember what it was like at all. I remember the Disney costumes but that's only because of the pictures. I can't remember anything else. And I remember going to this like Lion King performance or something. I remember thinking it was neat or something. Disney World sucks. It's soo boring. It's probably why I don't remember shit. Universal Studios is so much better. I hope it's not super duper humid there.

Epilepsy. When I told him about the highness feeling, he said that's a symptom of epilepsy. He didn't tell me I might have epilepsy. Uhh. Yeah. Okay.

Bye byes

Comment! (0) | Recommend!

Anti-depressants
Tuesday. 4.13.04 2:04 am
I went to the doctor today for my cough and ended up getting anti-depressants as well. Or whatever. Zep something. It starts with a Z. I have so much shit to look up but I can't cause the fucking internet explorer doesn't work and I can only use my mom's laptop. What an inconvenience. Ewww. My parents want to donot to George Bush. Boo hoo! I'll run away if they donot to him. No I won't. Just getting my point across. Okay, umm. Yeah, it's hard to type in this stupid band-aid. Damnit. This is a pointless entry. Umm. Epilapse. That's what he said it might be. However you spell it. Anyways, it's late. I'm not tired. But imma go to sleepy weepy. Nighty night.

Comment! (0) | Recommend!

Page: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36
DarknessPrevails's Weblog Site • NuTang.com

NuTang is the first web site to implement PPGY Technology. This page was generated in 0.007seconds.

  Send to a friend on AIM | Set as Homepage | Bookmark Home | NuTang Collage | Terms of Service & Privacy Policy | Link to Us | Monthly Top 10s
All content � Copyright 2003-2047 NuTang.com and respective members. Contact us at NuTang[AT]gmail.com.