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Tuesday. 9.14.04 9:17 pm
Depression, no matter how much I try to fight it, eventually overwhelms me again. But then again, it could be because my monthly friend is about to visit me. Granted, I am getting slightly annoyed that Candice has been rather preoccupied lately. And yes, it bothers me a lot. But at the same time, I'm just being emotional because my monthly friend makes me crazy. And I get all psycho and shit. Right now, I just want to disappear and be alone. I'm not in the mood to socialize, I'm not in the mood to deal with all the drama, I'm not in the mood to do anything right now. And the one person that I was counting on talking to is currently some where. And it really does annoy me and piss me off because, I don't know! I'm moody. And I want attention. And cause I'm being really girly! Hehehehe. If I was straight, I would so go out with Mark. BLAH.

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Friends and much more
Monday. 9.6.04 2:03 pm
Mmmm. This long weekend was fun. I hung out a lot with Lewis and it was real cool. It's crazy that we use to be really good friends back in elementary school and then we stopped talking cause he went to a different school and now that he's back we're still great friends. It's awesome. We're going to go get a fake ID so we can go clubbing in the gay community and check out all the hotties. Hehehe. It'll be fun. But his ass is sleeping right now. I'm not as bitter about Bettie as I was just a few days ago, and I really can't find myself hating her, nor could I with Brandi. I don't know. Once you make that connection with someone that connection is generally always there. What Bettie did sucked ass, but if it wasn't for her I wouldn't have gotten rid of my sexual problems and much more. As fucked up as our relationship was, she grounded me a lot and made me very secure with myself. Even if it wasn't love, it was well worth it. Candice is such an amazing person. I think I've said that about a billion times. Haha. Lewis thinks she sounds like a lesbian. That's funny. But in any case, I like how there's no pressure. I am not ready for another relationship and neither is she, especially a long distance one, yeah, I don't think I would be able to handle that at all, at least not now. We both like each other, but we're just keeping things open and going with the flow. Which is really cool because that's something I've never experienced and I think it's a lot better this way. It's stupid when two people like each other and they become rash and just jump into a relationship without knowing that person. Yep. I made that mistake twice and it ended in utter failure. Hehe. Pizza sounds good. (Random thought of the day) I want to know everything about her. If she finds another girl over there that is way closer to her, I'll be fine with it. I mean, I care about her enough to where I just want the best for her and for her to be happy. I've always been that kind of person. That's why I'm not pissed of at Bettie or Rej for getting back together. Whatever makes Bettie happy man, it'll make me happy. I still care about her. All my friends have the right to be happy! Hehe. I'm going to go order a pizza and watch But I'm a Cheerleader.

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Bitter
Sunday. 8.29.04 2:03 am
So I just wrote a happy entry on xanga and now I'm all bitter. About many things. The way they used me. And how sometimes I just want to push the whole world away. I hate how she changes around people. What the fuck? Get the fuck out of your own god damn misery. Grow up. It's annoying. I'm annoyed. Seriously, I am. Some people can be soo stupid. I'm done.

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Rape Victims
Monday. 8.23.04 2:16 am
Rape victims always seem to be attracted to me. That's very strange. Especially, most especially, the very sexual ones. I can understand if it was like every other person. But three girls in a row? Wicked weird. Anyways, her parents might be moving down to Texas, so she'll definitely be visiting. So that will be cool. I just want to meet her and get to know her better. It'll kick fucking ass. LoL. I can already feel her awakening a side of me that only Tim has ever awakened. The cocky arrogant prick side that says, "Fuck you" to all. That's bad. I really can be an ass even though I'm joking half the time. I really do wanna meet her though. I need to go to sleep so I can wake up early to do my homework.

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Goodbye
Sunday. 8.22.04 8:31 pm
Chick flicks make me sad even though they have like happy endings, they still make me sad, and I'm a little fucking pussy, so I cry in them. Yes, I admit it! I'm a fucking nerd. Hehe. Anyways, I've been trying to fight off my depression and it was working fine until I saw The Girl Next door. It's such a good movie. Now it's got me thinking, about everything. The problem is coming back. Sometimes I just wish I can just let go. I use to when I was a kid. And that's the weird part. I'm talking about 2nd grade. Yes, with Tim McGuyver. Kids aren't suppose to be sexual in 2nd grade. At least, I don't think they are? Are they? Aren't they suppose to still be hating the opposite sex. Anyways, I wish I could let that fire out again. But I just can't. I don't know why. On to some other news. I feel that my mind has been tainted with lies this whole time. White lies. Although, I know they aren't completely lies, you only tell half truths. You say I'm wrong about this and that, but really how wrong am I? If I am wrong, then what is it? Keeping it all inside never helps. From the first time I met you I knew that something was off. I could feel it in you and I could feel it in her. It feels as if something inside of you is confined to a tiny cage. You keep it trapped inside while it tries so desperately to free itself. The only difference is that I knew she never lied to me. It's something that I wanted to say for so long, but something I didn't really believe. But now it's time to deal with this shit. What's the truth and what are lies? There's one thing that I've always believed in. Never give up on anyone. But you can only help someone so much, it is their choice on whether or not they wish to be helped. I know what this is. It's the same with Brandi and May. And you know, I'm beginning to question what this feeling really means. Somethings wrong. Somethings off. There's something that you aren't telling me, or don't want to admit to yourself or whatever. Anyways, I can't take this shit anymore. Whatever. The feelings on both sides, I know it. I've experienced it already. Two times. It's the same. Sometimes I can see you and sometimes you just vanish. Stop leaving. If you are, we can at least say goodbye. Depression is settling in. I'm getting tired. I hate this. Ahhhh...come back come back. hehehe. I'm soo full of shit and I love it. priscilla call mee!

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Gender Identity
Sunday. 8.8.04 2:34 am
Right. My co-workers really fucking pissed me off today. I think we came to the agreement that we don't like each other. Thank goodness one of them is leaving. I can't really remember how they pissed me off. It's just my luck I throw myself into a homophobic environment. That's not true. Not all of them are homophobic. Just ignorant. But Erric and Anthony, the two co-workers that pissed me off tonight, always make subtle remarks about me being a lesbian. But that's not the reason why I got pissed off. I really don't know why. It's some where along the lines where joking becomes so excessive that it's annoying. Not to mention, we all know that jokes have some truth in them. Even my manager makes remarks that I know has some truth in them some where. Like the past few days that I went in when I wasn't working, he's been calling me a "little boy." I know very well what is said behind my back. And frankly, I'm sick of it. Say it to my face and I will admit fully that I love girls. In any case, I'm quiting. I don't have time, and it's just not place. I'm giving my two weeks notice tomorrow. There's no way in hell I can work, do marching band, and take hard classes in school at the same time. Anyways, time for some news. I'm starting to question my gender identity. Rej was kind of enough to recommend a selection of books for me to read which I will definitely be looking into. Until a few days back, I knew nothing, absolutely nothing about transgenderness. Nothing. It was something that I didn't want to look into. Something I never really wanted to acknowledge. But the fact that I didn't know anything about it made me want to know something about it. And that's when I had to face what I have repressed for so long. Honestly, being a lesbian wasn't something that was difficult for me to accept. But this is. However, I'm not going to go about denying the fact that I'm a genderqueer. In fact, deep down inside, I know I am. I guess I need some kind of proof to prove that I'm sure I am. So that's why I'm going to read those books. So I can get a better understanding of who I am and what not. Until then, I'm just stuck in the middle. It's just weird. It's weird that I'm a genderqueer. I don't identify as either male or female. There's a lot of feminine qualities that I like about myself and that I would like to keep, but then there are others that I don't like, and vice versa with the masculine parts. But I could never ever see myself as male nor a female because I feel both male-ish and female-ish.

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