God. Everything I think about is about Priscilla. Now I understand what Priscilla meant when she starts off every sentence with "Jessica and I." I find myself talking about Priscilla more and more now. I don't know why she doesn't write anything other then a few short sentences on her blogger or diary-x. But I know from her lack of words...and the way she writes things...how she really feels. I wish I could tell her not to give up. I wish I could tell her that our friendship isn't going to die. But I can't. And I'm not quite sure about the second. It takes two people to make any relationship work. From the looks of it, Priscilla has closed herself off. I know. I can feel it. I can imagine her in school, hiding everything beneath her fake laughter and her fake smile, fooling everyone. But inside, she feels alone. At least I have Bettie still. Priscilla has no one now. And she's further away from her parents then she has ever been before. In fact, I bet she has a deep hatred for them, deeper then before. I'm not there to help her anymore. I'm not there to abolish her excuses. I know she's going to go back to her cycle. I know she is. It makes me sad. I wish she wouldn't. I'm afraid that Priscilla's mentality after this is going to be worse. I sigh.

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I love Bettie too much to stay mad at her. Plus, she called and apologized last night, I can't stay mad after an apology. Words voiced out of anger are mostly..if not always..true. Maybe the not the whole truth. But truth enough. Eh, all is forgiven. I love her anyways. =)

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Fucking great. Nice to know there are viruses in my computer. It doesn't matter. I don't give a flying fuck anymore. All good things come to an end. I just seem to fuck everything up anyways, I don't even see why the fuck I bother to open myself up. It's either I fuck things up, or people fuck me up. Either way, people seem to get highly annoyed of me in the end. I should have taken that as a warning when Brandi fucking left. Yeah. I'll be sure never to show any sort of emotion ever again. Serves me better that way. Oh and I'll definitely make sure I'm less passive. In the end, people are all the same. I'm done. I'm through. I'm locking my doors, throwing away my keys, and no one is ever coming in again. My hearts cold. End of story. It doesn't matter. And I just.dont.give.a.fuck.

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Things are changing too fast too soon. Maybe everyone does leave you in the end, maybe things won't work out in the end. Heh. I don't even want to think about this shit anymore. Bettie might be going to boarding school in New York. I'm never the one to stop someone from reaching their dream. I love her too much to stop her. Enough said. I'm not speaking of the matter anymore. I find myself not caring again. The world's two greatest people in my life has already left me or is about to. And I don't think I will find it so difficult to close myself off to everyone. It's hard to close people off when you already have your doors open for others. But once those people leave, it's not that difficult to shut the doors. And I fear that's what I'll be doing. I can feel myself throwing up the walls again, preparing me for the pain that will come. I can feel the coldness settling back into my heart. Even though Priscilla will only be gone for a year or so, I'm afraid, if we do pick up our friendship, things will be terribly different for the both of us. People change. And that change is what terrifies me. But Bettie, once she's gone, she's gone. Yeah, I could talk to her long distance. But what we share with each other will be no more once she's in New York. This was bound to happen anyways. Grief. I don't think I've ever felt this emotion before. In the deepest darkest corner of my mind, I know what it is like to return home. I understand the calling, if only barely. And I bet it's so much stronger for both Bettie and Priscilla. Heh. Suddenly, I have this yearning to meet my real dad. You know, the thing that he's most afraid of is me forgetting about him. My life would be so different if I was still living in Taiwan. But I have no doubt that I'll be just as fucked up. I don't even know why the fuck I'm talking about this. I haven't felt this lonely in a very very long time. I can feel myself embracing it already.

I talked to Mariela last night. My ex-girlfriend for those of you who don't know. It was interesting, I must say. I'm just curious to see when her world will come tumbling down again. I'm just waiting for the day that her past catches up with her and she is forced to see the truth. Not surprising that she's still in denial. All these petty excuses that she makes for herself to make her life seem better. It's all an illusion. It's sad actually. And the only person that can help her is herself. She doesn't listen to other people. She knows but refuses to accept. I remember the day I went to her house because she called me crying. She makes great metaphors. I can't quite describe it the way she did. Something along the lines of there being a house in which she lived in, surrounding it is wilderness. She told me she was afraid to leave the house because she might get lost some where in the wilderness and not be able to find her way back. And the world that no one knows about in which she only lived in. I think I learned something from Mariela, and I don't think it's a good thing. Mariela has the thing where she's able to tell everyone everything about herself, but she doesn't open herself up to them. I do that. I can tell people, even now, on this bloody journal, how I feel, what I think, my stories, but not open myself up. That's the reason why I'm able to express all of this shit. This doesn't make sense. I don't know how to explain it. The only person I've ever fully opened up to is Bettie. She's the only person that has ever come close to seeing the extent of my sorrow. It's a scary thing, to open yourself up to someone like that, knowing the risk you're taking of getting hurt, but eh, Bettie's well worth it.

I have to go now.

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My optimism has left me. Now, the after effects of what happened the past few days has really hit me. I miss Priscilla. It's one thing, when you realize what's going on but it hasn't really sunk in cause all of it's just words. It's a whole different story, when you can see your friend online but you can't talk to her. It makes it more real. My hair is going to turn gray at the age of sixteen from worry. How is she doing? How is she taking this? What is she feeling? I want to help! But I can't. This is all out of my hands. I can't do jack shit. My dad says I worry too much. I can't help but worry. I can just imagine every single word her mother's says, and Priscilla believing it. Even my own grandma said skipping school is not that big of a deal. And my grandma is the type of person who gets really mad because someone doesn't wear enough red which is suppose to be good luck. In other words, my grandma gets mad over the stupidest things, but she herself says skipping school isn't that big of a deal. I don't like what it says in Priscilla's profile. Probably the reason why I am freakin' out right now. "Times change." That's something she would say if she's giving up. I hope to God she's not giving up. Not like this. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. This is sad. I miss her so much. And now, I'm crying. I guess it's better if I just let this all out. Priscilla was the first person that I ever let in. She was the person that taught me how to love and care for another. She was the only person that has ever stayed in my life for so long, not including family of course. Our friendship was the type of friendship that everyone wished they had, but few could ever achieve. She's like a sister to me. Now she's gone. This would be so much easier if I could just hate her mom and blame everything on her. But it's not all her mom's fault, it's all of ours. And I can't hate her. I can't hate anyone. Deep down inside, I blame all of this on myself. I miss her.

I can't help but think this is all my fault. Even though I know it's not. I don't believe it.

I love Priscilla.

I'm scared of the real world. That's why I try so hard to keep my innocence. Because once you're in it, a lot of people forget what it's like to be young again.

I'm scared she'll shut me out to deal with the pain better.

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Okay, this is all bullshit. So Priscilla's mom doesn't want Bettie talking to Priscilla either. They're isolating the poor child. Her mom is a fucking idiot. She has no idea how bad she's crippling her own daughter. She's trying to make up for the lost years, but she is totally going about it the wrong way. I think Chanel is going to be even more fucked up when Priscilla goes off to college. Poor Chanel. This is so sad. The only person she's hurting more is herself and her family. Let's just hope she doesn't regret this decision, eh? But you learn a lesson from regretting. Eh. I hope Priscilla is okay. I hope she'll be okay. I hope she'll still have the motivation. What surprises me the most is that I actually do care about Priscilla. I didn't realize how much I loved her until now. Amazing, eh? Not really. She'll always be in my heart no matter what. Hehe. And I don't regret skipping. Even though it's bad, I don't regret it at all because our bond of friend grew stronger everytime we skipped. I know the adults don't understand why we skipped. If Priscilla went to Berkner, I would not skip. I'll say that much. I only skipped to spend time with Priscilla because her parents keep her locked up. Yep. I don't regret any moment of it. People don't understand what happens to Priscilla and I when we skip. They don't understand how much we grew as people from it. And I have no words to explain it other then it's friendship in all it's colors. And I know, if Priscilla stays true to herself and makes it through this, she'll become a whole lot stronger person. Because then, she has really defeated her mom at her own game. Her mom may try to break our friendship, but we are the ones that truly decide if it's broken or not. You know what? I think I've matured. And I learned a good life lesson in the process.

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