I say she won't hurt me, but it's already starting to hurt. To me it's worth it though. I'm willing to wait. I don't know why. I'm willing to sacrifice everything for her. Is it love? Or is it a mere infatuation? It's been, I don't even know how long it has been, but my feelings for her have not changed. Recently, I was trying to convince myself that I didn't like her because our relationship was different, it would never work. But now, I see it differently. And I'm falling for her. No, I already fell for her and I don't want to pull away, nor do I have the strength or will to. This is bizarre. I would never risk so much for someone. I would never be willing to sacrifice my whole self for another person. But now, that has changed. I want everything in the world just to be with her. It's not time yet. She's not ready for a relationship, much less a long distance one again. I'm willing to wait though, even though it sucks ass. I also care so much about her that I'm willing to let her go and set her free. And that thought is the thought that hurts the worst. But the thought of keeping her caged hurts even more. The foolish things we'll do for love.

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People at my school squabble like little children. It is really irritating. It irks me that I let that get to me. They're all lost. All waiting for a guiding hand to lead them. And when they found out they will be none, they'll all be forced to fend for themselves. Some fall into the darkness of the eternal void, others become puppets, very rarely does one reach the limits of their own greatness. There's high school for ya.

I'm in a really dark and morose mood right now. I've been in it all day. In fact, I don't really feel like myself. I feel like I'm floating. Watching everything from outside my body. It just gives me the impression of just how meaningless life is. Patterns. We do everything in patterns. Even the most impulsive of people have a pattern to their impulsiveness. Is there any excitement in life? We all go about our lives independently, doing things for ourselves and perhaps sometimes for other people, but we are all so dependent on one another, then why do we try so hard to stand out or not? It's a pattern within a pattern. We're all searching for something. But that search leads to where? It leads right back to where we started. Today, I saw the intricate patterns of every individual and how they tie into one big picture, to form something unique and unwordly. It's really quite amazing. Yet there are darker sides that make it even more beautiful.

And it's so depressing.

I am in a strange mood tonight. Joy. Work. I need mean rude customers so I can bitch and take out my anger.

It should be illegal for women to have periods.

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So I really am PMSing. I don't want Priscilla to go to UT! LoL. I would prefer her to stay here in Dallas and go to UTD. But that's only because I know if she stayed here we would be able to hang out a lot and if she went to UT, well, we would have to revert to talking on the phone every single night. Hehe. But that's just the selfish side of me talking. Naw, I want the best for her. But I sure as hell don't want her mother to dictate where she goes to college. Priscilla should learn to decide by herself. She should ultimately decide what is best for her and not her mother just because she's logical and wise. After talking to Candice last night, I feel so much better now. My fears have been eased. I feel as light as a feather. Hehe. There's so much for me to say, but I prefer to tell Priscilla first. My brain calls for a cigarette.

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Wow, I thought I would never hear myself say this again, but unfortunately, I feel like I am alone. Well, I know I'm not completely alone, but I don't feel like there is anyone I can talk to, except Priscilla, of course. But I really shouldn't be complaining. I'm doing this to myself. I think I'm in my really anti-social stage where I just don't want to talk to people. Or maybe I'm just being realistic. I don't want to be the social butterfly anymore, where I can just make fucking fake friends. Where we talk about stupid shit that really mean nothing to me. I'm tired of making "friends" with people that really don't mean anything to me. I miss my cold apathetic exterior. Out of all the friends I have made, lol, there is only one person that I can count on. That I know I can count on. That I know will stay loyal to me. That I know I can trust. I'm tired of going to group. I'm tired of dealing with all the drama that comes with it and the fakeness. Granted, there's a few that I like. But most of them I don't. I dislike a bunch of them. One kid talking about how rich he fucking is and how he has soo many friends. He has friends because he's rich. And I just wanted to punch him in the face today at group. He's soo stupid. Ugh. I'm PMSing. I think I've seriously just given up on relationships. And I've only gone out with two girls and I'm already sick of it. I'm sick of the commitment. I'm sick of the bullshit. In general, I can't stand people my own age. People walk in and out of my life like it's nothing. I can count the people on one hand that really mean something to me. Ahhh. I feel trapped. Haha. Maybe I should just be impulsive. Maybe I should just do and not think. But I care too much about whether or not I hurt people. And myself. God, I still remember what that felt like. It was like I was always on a constant adrenaline rush. It was just fucking great. It was also when I didn't give a fuck about people. People were drawn to me. Fuck.

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My emotions confuse me. I analyze them so much that I don't know how I feel anymore. Or maybe I'm not analyzing them enough. This second guessing myself is not helping me one single bit. Maybe I'm just really fickle. One minute I hate her the next minute I want to talk to her again just because I miss her company. The next minute I'm all bitter about the relationship and I wished it never happened. But then the next minute, I don't regret it. And then I feel hurt and betrayed and used. Well, I know I was used, but not on purpose. It's late at night and my emotions are all flooding out of me. It still hurts. And my fears are coming back. God, even though I didn't love her, I placed my complete trust in her and I did really fucking care about her, and she was the only woman that I ever really tried to please. I let her see me. I let her in. I trusted her so fucking much and I had so much faith in her. And then, she just leaves. I felt soo fucking betrayed. But I don't hate her for it. I'm just hurt. Really hurt. Really fucking hurt. I remember what it felt like when she broke down my barriers. I was so fucking scared. But instead of setting up another one, a stronger one, I let it fall, I let her in. And now I can feel is the pain and grief that comes after a relationship is over. Heh. It's taken this long for me to allow myself to feel this. It's also because I'm confused. I'm confused about my feelings for Priscilla. And I am most definitely confused about my feelings for Candice. I'm just confused. And I'm really fustrated because I am confused. And what I hate more is that I'm such a masochist (sp?) that a large part of me likes feeling confused. But I don't like feeling out of control especially when it comes to my emotions and this is probably the reason why I'm taking my time to analyze this even though I know I shouldn't because it'll just give me a reason to ignore them or something. But really, what else am I suppose to do? I don't know any other way to handle it. I'm still having doubts about me being in love with Priscilla. Granted, there are a lot of feelings that I have yet to admit to her or myself, but why does it have to be love? Yes, I can actually see us being together in the future. But I can also see us not being together. Yes, I can see us having feelings for each other, but at the present time, those feelings aren't there. They aren't the same feelings. Those feelings are strictly friendly. And I know why they are friendly, and only that. And I know those feelings can change, because well, people change. So I'm pretty sure that I am not in love with her. But I can see myself falling in love with her. Candice on the other hand. I've been telling myself that I don't like her, but I really do like her. I like her a lot. I cannot get her out of my fucking head. And it is annoying the fuck out of me because this hasn't happened in a very very very long time. It's rather scary. Ha. Plus, I don't like being hurt. Well, who does? Anyways, I know I'll get hurt. But I guess I'll be hurt more if we just stopped talking. That would be depressing, really really depressing. But I do have feelings for her and I know it wouldn't work, and it's depressing but I can't make my feelings go away. I seriously can't. And it just sucks. Oh, haha, but a part of me likes it. I feel like Mahmud. I feel like I'm back in 7th grade. I don't like her because I just want to have sex with her. Haha. I seriously just like her a lot. If I didn't like her, I wouldn't be a good listener. I wouldn't let what she said sink in. I wouldn't let her in. I wouldn't let her see me. Hell, I wouldn't let her make the way she makes me feel. It might be friendly sex for her, but it would be much more to me. And well, I don't want that. I don't want there to be strings attached, but I know I wouldn't be able to help myself because I'm just that type of person. I care and like her too much for it to mean nothing. And that fustrates me because I wanna have sex with her! LoL. But I can't. Not like this. It's rather disappointing. But who knows. My mind will most likely change by tomorrow morning. I feel a lot better now that I have this out of my system. Yay.

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I am in love with her. Yes, here I am, admitting it to myself. After talking to her about it once again, and hearing her say that it's different between us (like only a friend way), I don't know, it just kind of hurt, especially when it got all awkward between us. And now that I really think about it, I can actually remember the day when I started having feelings for her. Well, vaguely. I've pushed them back for so long that it's hard letting myself feel that I am in love with her. But yes, after that phone call, I seemed to fall into some sort of depression. It really surprised me. And homecoming only made me realize my feelings. I'm not scared anymore. It's just whatever.

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