I don't understand why I take offense to every little thing that my dad says. I can't even stop myself. A wave of anger, pain, and fustration just overwhelms me. It may be from the way he says things or how he says things. I've become hurt twice over money issues, no more then twice. I know why I feel so terrible when he says shit. It's because he's right. I feel like I'm dying. I won't be surprised if I'm not able to go to sleep tonight because of my fucking coughs waking me up. I'm starting to lose my voice. Bloody fuck. I have been feeling very strange lately. It could be that I haven't been getting as much sleep as I'm use to. But the day before yesterday I got a dizzy spell. The room just started spinning for a few seconds. Dejavu happened to me yesterday. And today I felt like I was living in a dream. My mind was so numb. I was trying to write an AP writing prompt essay, and my mind just kind of went blank. It's been blank all day. I've felt strange all day. Even in the morning when I found myself enjoying the band music. I was getting into and trying and everything like that. It felt so good. But the feeling flees so quickly. Times like that are the times I remember why I enjoyed and loved the flute so much. Funny, I never felt myself enjoying it until just recently. Hard to explain. I'm not going to. What's really driving me bonkerz right now is the yearning for helplessness that I cannot quench. I've been trying a lot to push it down lately. Now it's back. I wasn't able to go through the whole day of school without thinking of some helpless scene. I couldn't stop fantasizing about shit for the life of me. And the stuff I found myself fantasizing about was quite unnerving. This whole submissive thing has been going on for a really long time. I remember I use to tie myself up when I was like... well I don't remember how old I was...but it was when I was younger then 10. And when I was like 10 or so I use to play this game with this girl where I was the dog and she would scold me for misbehaving. It was great. When I was younger, right before I went to bed, I would fantasize about being locked in a cage, or trapped, or used as an experiment or some shit like that. That was after my fear for the dark started to die down. I use to talk to myself and pretend I was different people. My brother would tell me to shut up. Hmmm, that wasn't that long ago. Probably when I was like 11 or 12. Bettie is moving to Seattle. When she told me, I think I was shocked into silence. It makes me sad to think about her leaving, but at the same time I'm happy for her cause she'll get opprotunities there. I'll miss her. I've been trying not to think about it but since I'm pouring my heart out here I might as well. I can't wait until I'm 18. Better yet 21. I want to explore the BDSM lifestyle. I want to see what it's really at, but I'm not legal age and that sucks ass. I don't think I ever wrote this down. That night when Bettie broke up with me, I asked her to collar me. She said no. It was a disappointment and a relief all at the same time. This medicine is making me sleepy hence I don't remember what I was going to say. I went into chat today and had a long talk with a guy about the lifestyle. I think I'm finally starting to understand it. I don't think I would ever be able to have a "regular" relationship. I've been thinking a lot about that lately. The yearning for being submissive is too great. Now that I think about it, I've been submissive to a lot of people. I wouldn't be able to deal with a vanilla relationship. One way or another, I end up finding some way for someone to do something to me. Hmm. I never realized that until now. I do wish that Bettie would collar me. But I finally understand why she won't. I understand that to her collaring is something different. I can still feel myself call out for someone to make me feel helpless. For example, the most recent ones, Bettie of course. Brandi and May, but not as much with her, because that part of her seems to be dying. It's strange how I can feel these things. Talk about strong vibes. But yes, once I turn 18 I'm going to explore that aspect of life. I feel better now that I've let this all out. Goodnight.

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