I'm depressed and I don't know why. And I had a fucking depressing dream that I don't remember what it was about. I think this was the first time that I ever disliked any of my dreams. I just slept for like four hours. When I get depressed I sleep.

I want you to hold me in your arms. I want the comfort of your embrace, the assurance that everything will be okay. I want to feel safety with your presence. Will you save me from this big bad world? I'm runnin' aimlessly, lost and confused, amidst these wars, wars that have been killin'. Kids are dyin', people have been cryin', anger and hate drives them...cannibalism has consumed them. Will you save me from this world that I fear so much? You have the power to end this war.

Don't ask me what that was about. I don't know. And I don't know who "you" is. "You" is anyone, I guess. I don't know. It's what I dream, it's what I think, it's what I feel. I'm lost between to thoughts, two people, two worlds, two realities. I'm just...I don't know.

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Night time is a fucking curse. I think too much. I get to see Priscilla on Wednesday, I hope. We have a lot of catching up to do. I just want to spill everything out to her. I feel like I've had this big bubble just building and building ready to pop, and now Priscilla gets to pop it. Yay! Bubbles are fun to pop. I have so much to say and so little time. The mushy gushy stuff must be saved for when we are alone.

Trust. I use to give everyone my trust and have it broken every single god damn time. Now, I don't give it away so easily now. People actually have to earn my trust now. There is one person that I can honestly say I can trust completely and with my whole heart, and that is of course, Priscilla. I'm scared of giving Mistress my whole trust. In fact, I don't even know if I can. It's been so long since I've trusted someone. I guess it's sorta been at the stage of "I don't have a reason to trust her, but I also don't have a reason not to trust her." I trust her I just don't trust her completely like I do with Priscilla. The simple truth is, I'm afraid of getting hurt again, I'm afraid of getting screwed. People take trust for granted. I trust her more than I trust most people. But I don't really know her to really trust her. I guess, I don't know. That's the reason why I get a feeling that she's not being completely honest with me. Can't blame me for jumping to conclusions because I'm not told a damn thing now. It's hard giving someone trust when they don't tell you anything. No, that's not the way to put it. I don't feel that she is open with me. From personal experience, you can tell the whole world everything about you but they still won't know who you are unless you let them. As Mariela put it, well something like this, "You tell everyone about what your house looks like but they never get a chance to step in and experience it and truly see it."

This is bringing back bitter memories. You know, this kind of shit use to annoy the fuck out of me. Like seriously, I think that's why I totally treated Mariela like shit. No, I know that's the reason why I was such an asshole towards her. Because it fustrated me soo much. I really did care about her. I didn't love her. But I cared about her or else it wouldn't have fustrated me so much. I didn't give her a chance though. Once I started getting pissed off I totally blocked her off.

I'm giving Mistress a chance. I trust her. But I want to trust her with my whole heart. I don't know how much I can take with so much doubt in my heart, though. Maybe I'm just fucked up. I want someone to tell me that I'm wrong. But I seriously don't feel wrong. I know when people are open with me and when they aren't. I'm starting to get nervous.

God, now I sound like Gina.

I don't know any other way to tell Mistress except for letting her read this. This has actually been bothering me for a while, and it's starting to get me really fustrated. The honest to god truth, I'm tired of giving people chances. My patience is running thin. I can't just give away my whole trust anymore. I can't hang on to false hopes. Not again. I'm tired of waiting.

As sad as this sounds, I feel like giving up. As much as it would hurt, it would hurt worse if I kept hanging on. I stayed for love before, I'm willing to stay again but not under the circumstances of false hope. I'm willing to let my heart get shredded into a thousand tiny pieces if only there's hope that they'll be neatly sewn back together again, one day.

I've done all that I can.

This is out of my hands now.

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I'm kind of sad that school is about to be over. Summer usually means isolation for me. And I've actually gotten use to the whole socializing thing. Well, summer usually meant isolation from everyone else expect Priscilla. Haha. But I won't be able to see Priscilla this summer except for those few occasions where she's able to go out. If I go to her house her little brother will be like, "I saw Jessica today!!" And then we'll both be screwed. I guess I have work to keep my mind busy. I hope I get more hours or else I'm going to be bored off my mind, and I really don't want to spend money and shit cause I'm trying to save up for college which is not working out very well because I keep buying games. Haha. My dad was right. I never use to care about money. And never saw the point in buying things. But once you get money, you want to buy yourself things, because it's like, "Hey. I'm making this money. I can buy stuff with my own money. It feels great." Haha. I have to move my tv back downstairs so I can get Xbox Live and kill people, or be killed, online. Hehe. I have no idea why all of a sudden I'm so into games. Travis inspired me. Hehe. Ahhh. Travis is kick ass. Talks a little too much, but at least he doesn't talk about like really pointless shit. He's cool though. A nice guy too.

My mom says that I seem happier. I honestly feel a lot happier. I talk a lot more to my parents and shit. It's a good feeling to be able to talk to your parents without being scared that they'll critisize you or some shit. I still get my depressed moments but it's more "normal" now.

Ugh. I gotta take a major shit.

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Mistress said Max came out last night.

I didn't notice.

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I had a dream about eating the best Japanese food ever. It was great, seeing as I don't like Japanese food that much. At least I can enjoy food in my dreams. Hahaha. That's sad. I saw May last night. Probably the reason why I dreamt about her. Yeah, I didn't like the dream very much. I'm not going to explain. It just makes me sad all over again. =(

My dad said that I trap myself in a corner, looking out on the world but never being in it. He also said that I don't need to worry at this age. I should just have fun and be happy because once you get into the real world people everywhere will try to step on you and use you to move up. So he said that I should be happy and just have a lot of fun. He was telling me how friends now are really close and stuff and you can talk to them about anything, but once you get into the real world you feel more alone because they have their own shit to deal with. Hmmm. I think I wrote something about that one time. And that "they don't care."

I've changed though. I'm living life now. And it feels great.

My dad makes it sound like the real world is a fucking awful place. It makes me question just how much happiness he has in his life. There's beauty in everything, you just got to find it. Yeah, there are going be a whole bunch of people who are going to try to fuck me up. But then there's also those that won't even if those people are rare. I think that's why most teachers like working with kids. It's because of their innocence.

This is getting me to think too much. I'm going to go play a game.

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I been having dreams like crazy. I've had so many that I can't even recall one. But I've found that I like living in my dreams more then real life, wether the dream was good or bad. I don't think that is a good thing. I feel more alive in my dreams then when I'm awake. That's why. In my dreams, I am able to express myself. When I'm awake, I'm not. It just feels good to be able to express myself freely. To be myself without having to worry about the consequences. I guess, in my dreams I'm always able to make things right. But in real life, it's just not that easy. In my dreams there's a sense of "everything is going to be okay." But in real life, there isn't. Through my dreams I'm able to express how worried I am. I guess that's the reason why I'm having so many dreams. Honestly, for those who know me, how many times have you actually seen me worry about something? I think the only time I ever worried about anything this whole school year was that day when Priscilla and I skipped school, and my mom called me when we were at the library telling me that the school called her and said I haven't been in school. That's like the only time I've ever been really worried. I mean, even when my parents found out that I skipped, I wasn't worried. It's nice to know that I repress worry and anger. Maybe I'm just a really laid back kinda gal. I guess it really has come to the point where I really don't care about a lot of things and therefore I don't worry. Man, I really do repress a lot of my emotions. I've gotten better at it, but it still happens. And I know everyone represses their emotions at one time or another, but I think I like overdue it. I have a lot of unresolved issues. Strange, how I can see the issues so clearly now. I'm going to forget by tomorrow. But seeing doesn't help. I have to know how to solve them.

Anyways, so my therapist is coming back in June, that's a really long time away. I'm trying to decide if I should tell her about Mistress. I've already told her about my sexuality, after telling half truths. But I figure, if I'm not honest with her there is no way she's going to be able to help me. She's cool though. I like her. It's just nice to have someone to talk to. Just talking to someone helps, ya know? Ben has helped me a lot the few times I have talked to him. Seeing how he's doing counseling as well, he's helped me by putting on his therapy hat. I never ask myself how I feel about something. I don't know why. I've never expected to feel. I've always expected to use my head. When he asks me how I feel about certain things, I find it really difficult to answer. Bad sign. Working on it though. Once again, I got off topic. So yeah, I'm trying to decide if I should tell my therapist about Mistress and our relationship. Honestly, I'm tired of explaining it to everyone. Everyone's always asking me, "So how's you and your girlfriend." I tell them we broke up, and there all like, "Awww. I'm sorry." And I'm like, "Noo. Noo. It's all good. She's my Mistress now." Something along those lines. And then I have to explain and it's annoying. I've never really explained this to an adult who isn't into this shit, except for Ben. I wonder if she even knows what it is. She's really young, okay not that young, but young enough and not that experienced but experienced enough. The difficult part will be trying to explain it to her without making it sound absolutely terrible.

I'm like waiting for next week to come around. One because school will be over finally, and two, because I'll be able to see Priscilla and chill with her. I don't know if she's in Washington right now or not. But anyways, yeah. It'll be great. We both have to be careful though. She has a car and everything, and her parents said that they are going to let her drive on exam week. So that will be very conveniet. We might go to shiloh and oaklawn just like the old times. Of course, there's that new kid, which I am actually excited to meet and befriend. He sounds like a pretty cool guy, but the only news of him is coming out of Priscilla's mouth and well, there's a little bias in that. Hehe. He plays Magic. Sounds like the type of kid I would get along with. I am such a nerd. I think I'm going to start playing Counter Strike. Or maybe I should just buy an x-box and play Halo. Halo is sooo fucking fun, but it's soo hard. Yep. I'm going to talk to my brother and see how much xbox is at his store. Then I can start renting games and I can become a game nerd! Sounds exciting. I love video games. Especially bloody violent ones. I can't wait. It's time for me to save up my money for an xbox! And I can watch dvds on it and shit. Fuck yeah. Play online. Sounds nice. By the end of this summer, I'm going to kick ass!! Haha. That is so sad. I haven't played games in a long long long ass time. It be something to entertain myself when I'm bored in the summer with nothing to do. Not to mention I get a 20% discount, plus the PS2 that my brother stole from me and said he'll get me a new dvd player from his work. Fucker. I'm still using the shitty one that I have now.

I'm out. Later.

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