I'm actually going to write an entry on music. So David told me today that Taproot is coming out with a new CD. Yay! I'm going to buy it cause Taproot kicks ass. I want to listen to their old CDs cause I heard they were really good. And the third CD is way different then Poem. And I'm going to go watch Simon and Garfunkle in concert Sunday...wait, no I'm not. I'm going to watch them in concert on my b-day. Yay! Postal Service songs make me sad. It gets me to think. And I start thinking about love and stuff. His lyrics are really good. And the music is good to begin with. It's just...they're good. I can actually relate. Now I understand why people say they would die without music. I wonder how long it'll take for me to get tired of this CD. It took me a while to get tired of the Eagles CD. I'm starting to heal. Slowly but surely.

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The world's spinning. Make it stop.

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Yet another movie fucked me up last night. My eyes are all puffy from crying. I don't even know what triggered it. And then Mistress started holding me and I cried even harder. She got too close last night. Too close for my own comfort. I've never longed to be touched so much in my life. Last time was the first time a touch meant comfort to me. And that made me realize something. No one has ever held me when I was crying except Mistress. That night when I was crying out of pain, she comforted me with a hug. I took comfort in it. It was so fucking foreign to me. And then she asked me what was wrong and I told her it was too personal. That was fucking stupid of me. But it made me nervous how close she got. I asked her to hold me last night when I was crying my eyes out. After, I told her it was too personal. I don't know if she heard me. That's when I went to the other room and slept. I couldn't stand being so close to her and yet so far away. I'm so confused. So lost. So torn between so many worlds. I don't know what to think about anything anymore. My mind tells me one thing and my heart tells me the other. I don't know which one to listen to. If I can listen to both. I just don't know anymore. When people are nice to me, I get really paranoid. I think they're going to hurt me or some shit like that. It makes me so uncomfortable. But last night, when she held me, when she was being nice, I accepted it. I don't know why. I just did. Too close. Too close. I'm scared. And this hurts in soo many fucking ways. Too many ways. I don't know what to do anymore. I just don'tk now. I sigh.

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Heh. This is one thing I don't like admitting to myself. I'm scared of rejection. It's nice to know that I'm rejected by my own fucking dad. What's the point of trying to get close to him? Everytime I fucking do this shit happens. Every single fucking time! What's the point anymore? Why try when I've already tried so many times before. I'm tired of getting hurt especially by someone I love and admire. Everytime I try, it hurts more and more. I'm tired of hurting. If he wants me to be someone that I'm not. Fine. I'm tired of this shit. It just hurts to know that he'll never know who I really am, and soon I'll begin to forget who I am. I'll just be another girl trying to fit into some place that she doesn't fit in. Heh. Nice to know that I'll die alone.

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Fuck. I failed PreCal because I got a 38 on my exam. Fuck! Damnit. I'm pissed. I hate myself. I actually TRIED in that fucking class. Ahhh. Well, everything you do that you aren't suppose to do ends up coming back and biting you in the ass. I'm taking it again next year. And I'm getting a fucking 100 average. No, that's not possible. Well, it is, but fuck her quizzes are hard. I'm getting an A! I'm going to go buy a video game. Thief Deady Shadows! Oh yeah. That game is fucking fun.

I was going to write that I didn't feel myself right now. But then my mom barged in and gave me my report card, so yeah. That just kind of got my motivation back. Oh, this was a pointless entry. Just a few moments ago I couldn't remember what I did a few days ago, and now I remember. I'm fucked up. But hey! It's okay. I'm in a good mood despite my grades. I'm not going into self pity mode that never seems to help me one bit. If I'm pissed about something I gotta do something about it, right? So I am. Talking about expressing my anger. w00t!

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There's a reason why I didn't want to play softball this year other then I'm lazy. Although that's the reason everyone thinks. I didn't want to play softball this summer because some of the people on the team really annoy me, okay only like two people. Second, because there's so much competition between my dad and another dad. Third, I never really felt like I fit into the team, which is pretty stupid of me to think because I did in a sense. And sitting there watching the team play just made that hit home. Because once I was on the other side of the fence, that's when I felt like I didn't fit in. That I wasn't part of the team. It surprised me that I actually felt sad. Haha. So I want to play.

Since I make an effort to be honest here. There's really one..okay two reasons why I want to play. One, of course being, that I miss playing. LoL. And second, god this is going to sound so bad, I miss showing off and being better then everyone. =D Not to mention, this is the evil behind my motivation, my ex math teacher's (the one that I don't like) daughter is on the team and she is taking my position. I don't like that. If it was someone else, I wouldn't mind, but it's her. Of all people. So I want my position back. But I'm really not playing just because of the stupid grudge. LoL. I really want to play.

I actually want to prove to that ex teacher of mine that I'm actually good at something, and her fucking dadd, omg, what the fuck, he's sitting on the bench acting like he knows everything! So there ya have it. The side that is never revealed. I am a very competitive person. I live for the competition. Which is bad because once the competition is gone I stop. Haha. And I never get good again. Hmmm. Sounds like everything I was ever good at but never really liked doing enough. Competition. Mmmm. I miss the adrenaline rush actually. If I have it, the adrenaline rush, no one, and I mean NO ONE would be able to beat me. That sounds so egotistical but it's true because I would do everything in my power (except cheat or play unfairly) to be better then that person. If I really want something I'll give it my all, if I don't want something, I say "fuck it, I'm not doing shit." Yep yep. That's the type of person I am. It's got it's flaws and advantages. Never take a competition personal though. That fucks you up. Mmmm. I can taste it. I miss it. LoL.

Katie asked me what was the best compliment I was ever given. I was about to say that I'm a good flute player. But I decided not to because everyone tells me how good I am on everything that I have ever put my mind to. It's rather redundant. Everyone compliments me on how well I do in something, but never me as a person.

Priscilla is here. Bye

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