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It's spanish. And it's an elf, I wish it was a vampire. Vampires are cool. Fear. Why is it not stopping me now? It always use to. It use to be soo easy for me to just...I don't know...not feel? What has happened to me? I don't know. I've changed so much. So much. If you're constantly changing how on earth are you ever to figure yourself out? As much as Bettie has hurt me, she's also helped me. And looking back on it, I don't regret it. I'm not even angry or bitter about it anymore. It was an experience. Memories that could never be changed. Both good and bad. All meant to be cherished. Now I feel guilty. And that I will not write here. I hate that I have no control over my feelings anymore. They flood in and out of me. It's overwhelming. In a good way and a bad. And for once I'm not trying to stop them. Yay for me. I feel soo..human?

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You know somethings on my mind when I decide to skip lunch to pour out my thoughts and feelings before they explode in my bloody head. No, it's really not all that bad, but I just need to think, and when I write i can't think cause my hand can't write as fast as I think, so yeah. Typing is a lot easier and I have more time to analyze my thoughts. But I only have like 10 minutes. Shit.

Anyways, so it seems like I haven’t told Priscilla about me possibly being interested in being a slave. LoL. I told her yesterday, and it was really cool to hear her reaction. She said she didn’t understand why anyone would want to put themselves through that. Last night I was thinking, when I was Bettie’s sub, I started asking myself what love meant to me. Or what it is to me or whatever. I still don’t know. I’m just typing out my thoughts. And today I was like, “Dude, could I actually see myself in a vanilla relationship?”

I mean, to me, the best thing to give someone is your love. But love to me is different I guess. Well, not different. But, oh, I don’t know how to explain it. In a D/s relationship it takes an extraordinary amount of trust. Candice said that a slaves purpose in life is to please their Mistress/Master..whatever. But I see it differently. Not so different, but yes, their purpose in life is to please. But for me, at least, it goes far beyond that. To me it’s love. It’s love that makes you want to please them. To give yourself up entirely for them. It goes deeper then just the pleasure, humiliation, whatever….it…can’t be explained.

And I really can’t see myself in a vanilla relationship. Honestly, it doesn’t have the same affect. It really kind of sucks that I feel this way. Oh I don’t know. Time to go to class.

For once, I’m actually glad that there is school to keep my mind occupied.

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So I'm about to graduate from high school and I've really been thinking about what I want to do with my life. What I need and what I don't need. What I want and what I don't want. I really can't predict what's going to happen. It's kind of exciting and scary at the same time. Sure, I could always go to school here, but do I really want to? I want to because it's in my comfort zone and I've never really once had to do anything for myself. Yes yes, I am VERY spoiled. It's fun being spoiled. And it would be easy relying on my parents.

But I don't want to do that. That's not true. I want to. But I need to learn how to be independent and how to live with myself. Do things for me. I've always lived in the same place. Well, I use to live in Taiwan but that doesn't count. I've never had to move from one place to another like Priscilla. I don't have a father that neglects me and doesn't give a damn like so many of my other friends. I have a supportive father and a loving mother. It's really difficult not to pull away from that. To leave my comfort zone. But I think it's something that I need.

I've ALWAYS wanted to live in California. And I've always seen myself living there at one point or another. I remember since I was like 7 or something, I've always asked my parents why we couldn't move to California. Plus, there is no point in going to a university here when I want to go to school in California and paying 20,000+ for out of state tuition. Plus, I want to live somewhere far far away where I can take care of myself and I don't have to deal with my parents. I want to get the fuck out of boring Dallas. It wouldn't be difficult getting a job there either I don't think because I could just transfer to a Blockbuster in California. Soo I've been thinking, maybe I should live there for a year and establish residency. Work full time to get the money because Cali is fucking expensive. And then after a year I can go to some community college and transfer. Mmmm. And my parents won't be paying that much cause Blockbuster will be paying for some of it too.

I just don't know where I should live. I don't know if I can handle my relatives. That's probably going to end up happening because apartments are expensvie over there and it would soo much cheaper if I had roomie but that doesn't work, cause I don't know anyone! Well, Candice, but that's a completely different story.

I wonder if my parents will agree.

I don't see why not.

Movie time.

I can cut coupons and shop cheap.

I can learn how to spend my money wisely. Oh yes. And save money.

I use to be so good at that. Saving.

What happened?

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Okay, I'll fix the layout later.

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OMG. These layouts are utterly orgasmic. I don't know which one to choose! They are all sooo beautiful. OMG.

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