And suddenly my mood brightens at four o'clock in the bloody morning. How wonderful, when everyone else is asleep. I'm having dizzy spells. I don't think that's a good sign. And they're like really bad dizzy spells. I hope I get to see Mistress soon.

My mood swings are starting to scare me. Like seriously, they have never been this bad before. At least when I was depressed, I knew I was depressed and I stayed depressed. Now it's like up down up down up and down, so forth and so on. I don't know what's what. And half the stuff that I write I don't really mean. I just say it because of the mood I'm in. It gets you to question what's true and what's not, eh? I don't know! LoL. This is terrible. I haven't been in the mood to hang out with anyone. I'm kind of glad that Mistress called and told me not to come because today was just not one of my days. I didn't want to do anything at all. At work, omg, I was sooo distant and out of it. I just wanted to sit at home and stare at the wall. But now late at night, I feel like going out and having fun and chilling with my friends.

I'm going to bed. Hopefully my good mood won't change in the morning.

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I just want to say goodbye and run into the wilderness never to be seen again. I'm dying.

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You aren't here. It's like you are on the opposite side of the world from me. Perhaps you are. I'm tired of hoping, I'm tired of trusting. It's fucking me up. It's making me crazy. I don't want it anymore. You say this and you say that, but I only see one thing. What you say doesn't fit in with what you do. I'm tired of waiting. I'm just tired of it all. It could all just be me. Hell, it probably is just me. But I don't know anymore. I don't know what to think. I'm so trapped. I'm so lost. I wandering in the dark trying to find my way. I'm tired of this. I'm tired of it all. I shed my tears for you. For no reason. Absolutely none. I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of this pain. I wish I could see the beauty in things, but I can't. I go to Shiloh, it doesn't have the same affect on me anymore. Crying myself to sleep once again. I'm ending this. I'm ending this bad habit. No more. I don't want anymore. It's too painful. I can't deal. It's not the time. It's never the time. My life is running away from me. I wish the cancer sticks would just kill me now. You're playing with my mind. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it! You're like the light on the other side of the tunnel. The faster I try to run toward it, the farther I get. Fuck it. I have no more energy left. None whatsoever. Goodbye.

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So much rage, so much anger inside of me right now for no apparent reason whatsoever. I don't know what's wrong. I just want to scream at the top of my fucking lungs but I can't, and it won't help. I feel like I'm losing control of reality. That I'm some how slipping into insanity. One minute I'm happy, the next minute I'm depressed, and then the next minute I'm pissed off, and the next minute I'm sleepy, and the next minute I'm hyper. Up down..up down...up and fucking down. Maybe I'm bipolar. No maybe it's fucking Zoloft and it's fucking me up. I don't know. Maybe maybe. It's always fucking Maybe. I'm never certain about anything. I'm not certain about anything anymore. Everything is just haze. A blur. A cloud. A big dark shadow consuming my soul. I want to tell the whole world that I hate them. But do I really? I don't know. I want to tell people that I hate them for hurting me. But do I really feel that way? I don't know. My anger and my hate isn't directed at everything and nothing. I wish it was directed at me. But I don't even know if that's the case. I never cutted myself out of hatred for myself though or out of anger. Well, actually I just kind of waited for the anger to die down and then when I started feeling numb I started cutting. But I think I cut to show people that I really did care about stuff. And now I'm kind of able to show that I care. But see, it's just so much easier being apathetic to things because you don't get hurt. People don't take advantage of you. You don't get disappointed. You're able to keep your illusion of happiness. Unfortunately, the brain doesn't work that way and eventually that illusion breaks and you crack and fall and spin into another dimension. Happiness is a choice. Bah. I hate that fucking saying. It's a choice. It's a choice. Everything has to be a fucking choice. If you don't understand it, it's a choice. Liking people of the same sex is a choice. You have a choice of this and that. What the fuck? We don't have a choice. There's no choices. Has anyone ever realized that? No fucking choices. We're slaves in this fucking society. If happiness is a fucking choice then please will someone fucking explain to me why the fuck I AM NOT FUCKING HAPPY? God. This is bloody pissing me off. Fucking majorly. And you know what? Letting all of this anger out is not helping me one. single. fucking. bit. Piece of fucking shit. Life is so fucking beautiful but we as in humanity makes it suck. Oh, wait. Another choice. Only we don't have a choice. I was people would just fucking tell me the fucking truth. For once, meaning what they say, and not just telling half truths. Or maybe I'm just paranoid. If that's the case, I'm tired of being paranoid all the time. I think everyone is against me. That everyone is conspiring to fucking break me mentally. Everyone except fucking Priscilla. I just wish I could trust more people. I wish people would trust me. I wish. Well, I wish a lot of things but none of them is going to happen. Okay, so I trust my parents and Priscilla. Whoo hooo! Priscilla is like fucking family to me anyways so she doesn't count. I wish I could trust someone other then family. But everyone is so fake. Everyone lies. Everyone hides behind facades. And I'm sick and tired of it. Tired of it all. I don't know what to think of anyone anymore. I don't know if they are good or bad. Just when I give someone my trust they just shove it back into my face. How many fucking times have I cried out for help but no one was ever there to help me? It's gotten to the point where I can't even hear my own screams, I can't recognize my own voice. Everyone's always talking about holding hands with their one true love and being touched and shit like that. Everytime I think about that I feel fucking sick. It feels like I'm fucking choking. Even now, I don't like being touched all that much. It still makes me feel uncomfortable. I can't touch my own mom without my skin fucking crawling. I hate it. When my dad touches me it feels like he's going to hurt me no matter how gentle it is. When other people touch me it's like poison to my skin. And it's not fucking them. It's ME! I wish for once that when someone touches me I can feel that they really mean it. That the touch means something. But I can't. My fucking therapist doesn't think I was molested because I have no memory of it. Then can please someone explain to me why the fuck I feel this way? When I see a naked kid, fuck, a half naked kid on tv I feel gross and my skin crawls. Explain to me why the fuck I have Max. And why he comes out without me even fucking realizing it one single bit. Nothing makes sense anymore. I feel like I've been living a lie. That my life was all a lie. Only because I have feelings that don't fit anything. That I think something happened. That I can't remember a fucking memory. The feelings are all there, but it seems like it's coming from no where! Absolutely no where! How are they developing? Why are they there? What the fuck happened in my life? When was the last time that I actually felt like myself? Now, I don't even know if I was beat as a kid. It's images. All fucking images. How the fuck do I know that it doesn't exist? I see rooms. Plenty of rooms. In my dreams, when I'm awake, so familiar yet so unfamiliar. What's real and what's not. I don't know anymore. Nothing makes sense. Reality isn't reality. It all seems like a fucking dream. It's like I'm floating in space and no one is fucking noticing me. Or something like that. I don't know. My parents beat me with a belt once for slamming a door. I don't remember it at all. How do I know it happened? When my dad reminded me. And I realized that I haven't slammed a door ever since. But yet I don't remember it so how do I know it happened? How do I know it just isn't another fucking dream? Nothing touches me. The only person that has truly touched me is Priscilla. Priscilla is the only person that I feel like exists. I don't know why. Maybe it's because she's the only person I've ever gotten close to. I don't know. Other then that, I feel so alone. Nothing seems real. It's like if I reached out toward this monitor my hand could go right through it. I feel like I'm just living a fucking lie. A lie. A lie. A lie. All fucking lies. I don't know anything anymore.

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I love my brother. He always takes care of me. He's so cool.

I'm sad. I wish I could please my parents. Everything I seem to do always seems to be the opposite.

I don't know anymore. Everything just...I hurt. I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to. Not anymore. No no. I want to be happy like the other kids and make tons of friends and have a good time. When people are happy, it makes me happy. It's like I have a chance of reaching that happiness too one day. I wonder how long it will take. I'm tired of sitting around and waiting. I want to go out and play and have lots of fun. I want to run in the mud and get all dirty. And wrestle with all my friends. It's raining outside! I'm cool. I was never scared of the thunder. Thunder doesn't scare me! Sometimes I wish the lightning would take me away. Kind of like in those movies where I can go to a different planet! That would be cool! To meet other aliens! Are we aliens? Do you think aliens from different planets think of us as aliens? Do you think they would do nasty experiments on us like we would do to them on the movies? That's not very nice. I wonder if there are mean aliens. I don't think I want the lightning to take me away anymore. I might get kidnapped by mean aliens and I won't be able to go home. I want to go play in the rain! But I don't think my mommy will let me cause then I'll get sick. That's what she says. But I don't understand how I can get sick from just getting wet. I mean, isn't it just like taking a shower? Yeah. That's what I think. Or it's like going swimming except you can't drown in rain. I wish I could go play in the rain. I want to get into a mud fight. I've seen them on tv and they look like a bunch of fun. But I don't have any friends that will play with me. I always play by myself. It's no fun at all. I'm sad. No one loves me. I'm always in the dark. In my room, playing with stuff animals. It gets boring. But I have no where else to go. I don't like the dark room though. It's scary. Very scary. At night, there are shadows that come out of the wall and try to kill me. I hide under my blankie and pretend that I'm dead so they think I'm dead so they won't kill me.

I'm going to try to get my playstation 2 back. Buh baiz!

Games are the one thing that makes me happy!

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I feel like I'm choking. I don't know who I am anymore. Will someone help?

I'm glad this morning I was kept busy with running movies and shit. I really didn't have time to think about my dream last night. And it kind of faded. But I still remember it unfortunately. The feeling is gone. The feeling of fear and being trapped has been repressed. It's really amusing how I was soo fucking shaken up this morning but the moment I stepped through that Blockbuster door I blocked it all off. I seem to do that a lot. I know what my dream means. I know what each person symbolizes. So I'm not going to explain. I don't feel like it. I don't want the feelings to come back. In other words, yes, I'm running, but I really don't give a shit right now.

I look to my dad for advice. I look to my mom for comfort. It took a dream to make me realize that. I look to Mistress for security. And I look to Priscilla for love and friendship. I look for hope in others. It may not seem like it but family is the most important thing to me. I'm trying to better my relationship with my parents. I talk to them more and I go out with them more, not to mention I actually enjoy it.

Fuck. I'm about to cry. I love them so much. I know what I'm about to say isn't true but sometimes I feel that they don't love me back. Or maybe it's because I feel like I can never please them and I'm always a disappointment.

I can't wait until my therapist comes back from vacation.

It's starting to make me uncomfortable being so dependent on Mistress. If I go a day without talking to her, I get really fucking depressed. Which is probably one of the reasons why I'm so down right now. I feel like the reason she doesn't call is because I have done something wrong and I managed to disappoint her in someway, so she's punishiing me. You know how long it has been since I have felt like this? Two fucking years.

I don't see a life after high school.

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