I feel inspired to write. Damnit, and I can't right now cause I have to leave for work. By the time I get back I probably won't be in the mood. But I need to let all of this shit out. And just ya know, writing how I feel and what I think doesn't help. Time for third person, ya think? I haven't written anything in fucking ages. Ages and ages and ages. I should start roleplaying again. But that's boring and all a load of crap. I get sick of the people. Oh, I don't know. I just want to write and write and write and write. Maybe if I'm in the mood tonight, I'll write. Pardon if it sucks, I have no writing talent whatsoever. I just wanna write!

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I went to Shiloh. I forgot it rained last night and my shoes got all fucking muddy and shit and I almost slipped and fell in the mud. It was fun. I wanted to go down to the spot Priscilla and I were at yesterday but I didn't feel like breaking my neck. So I just took the long walk back to my car. Anyways, I was just chillin in my car listening to music and I felt really in tune with nature. It was weird. I felt at peace. While I was walking along on the trail, I saw myself entangled in a big spider web and it was like life's secrets was revealed to me at that moment.

Now, I feel like it's my time to go. I visualized shooting myself in the head at Shiloh and saw all the bugs and shit eating my decomposing body. That would be the perfect death, to die in nature. I'm not even suicidal right now. Okay, it may seem like I am because I was just talking about shooting myself in the head. But it's not because my life sucks and I want it all to end type of thing, I just feel that it's my time to go. Don't ask me why. I just do. I feel as if it's my time to be in another place. Don't worry, I'm not going to kill myself. I like life too much. I don't know. I feel trapped. Society itself makes me feel trapped. But I have no choice but to be apart of it. It's like nature doesn't have a choice of being part of it either. Eventually, the people in this society will kill me just like we kill nature. My time will come though. Now I just have to live. I have some how become very spiritual. Wait, I have always been a very spiritual person.

In this world, in this life, we are all nothing. We're all tangled in the same web but in the end, we're nothing. For some reason, that thought brings me a lot of peace. It's kind of depressing sounding, but it brings peace to my mind. I'm just here. I'm just me. Trying to survive in the environment that I was put in, no different then any other creature on this planet. We're all built from one thing. Survival.

What a depressing thought. Haha.

There is no great mystery to solve. There is no secret of life.

Hmmm.

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Alright. I'm not mad anymore. But now I'm confused as fuck. And my fucking dreams, ahhh, I don't like them. They make me sad and happy at the same time when I wake up. I dunno what to do. I'm going to Shiloh. I need to clear my head and just think.

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I haven't talked to Mistress in like a week.

Mark and Ju are chillin at my house right now. We were watching Eurotrip.

Priscilla and I chilled today. It was fucking great. We spent like two hours at Shiloh just telling each other what we thought, our deepest darkest fears, and shit like that. It was fucking wonderful. I missed that so much. It was what we needed. We were trying to make arrowheads. Hahaha. It didn't work very well. It's amazing how we're such foils of each other. That's probably why we're such great friends. And we're like always the opposite. Like right now she's really introverted and I'm really extroverted and shit like that. I like socializing and she doesn't. It's weird. We always switch like that. And we don't even do it on purpose. It's because we're both growing and maturing and we're finally able to be ourselves. I miss being able to tell someone EVERYTHING. I'm soo happy that Priscilla is back. But it seems that everytime I get something I have to lose something. I guess that's just how life is, eh?

I did have an emotional break down that night. Afterwards, it felt sooo fucking goood to release all that pent up anger and shit. I've never had an emotional breakdown before, I don't think.

Man, I am soo fucking pissed. I wanna get high. I was soo close of getting high today but then I told myself no, sorta anyways. What perfect weather to fit my mood. I need to smoke and drive around to clear my mind. Hopefully, my car will slip and I'll crash and die.

You know what. I really don't give a shit anymore. I don't see the point of opening up to anyone anymore. Because in the real world, you don't have anyone but yourself. But I could never close myself up to Priscilla. I don't think that's possible, man. Anyways, I say, fuck it.

I'm tired of everyone's fucking lies. Their fucking mind games. Find someone else to fuck with. Find someone else to please. I don't want it. I don't need it. It's all lies in an attempt to make yourself feel better. So I say, fuck you and go the fuck to Hell.

I'm tired of fucking giving and giving and giving and fucking giving.

I'm sick and tired of it.

I don't care anymore. I just don't give a damn.

I need a fucking smoke.

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It's now or never.

Hung out with Priscilla today. Need I say more?

I feel great.

I feel bad.

More explainations later. It's time for work.

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My kid is crying. He's calling out for help. Will anyone hear him? Will anyone help him? I hear you, Max. I hear you. But I'm not able to give you the help that you need. Sorry kid, just know that you ain't alone.

I think I just had an emotional breakdown. It's weird when you start crying in the middle of a movie for no particular reason. I know what triggered it actually, and that triggered more stuff, and that stuff triggered more stuff, and so on and so forth.

I feel better. But now I can't really recall how it all happened. I started to think about Mistress. And how much I loved her and how much I wanted to show her how much that I love her. But I'm not able to because Mistress won't give me a chance. And I don't know what to do. Seriously, for the first time in my life, I do not know what to do. I'm scared to make a decision. I don't want to make a decision. I'm stuck. I don't know what to do. I just don't know anymore. What am I do to do? I don't want to go through what I went through with May. That seriously nearly killed me. I've worked so hard to be happy, to be able to feel again. I don't want that to go away. But I love Mistress so much. I don't want Mistress to go away.

My dad says I do too much for people. That I help people but I don't help myself. That I help people even it if hurts me. I tried to help May. I ended up getting emotionally attached, and that just fucked everything up. I want to show Mistress how much I love her because I truly believe that's the one thing that she needs. But I don't know anymore. The funny thing is, either way that I go, I'm going to end up getting hurt no matter what.

I guess I just don't want to be let down anymore. That sounds really selfish, but I don't ask anyone for anything. Other then my parents. I give so much that I have nothing else to give. I know from how totally fucked up I am right now, that if I get the same results as always, this will be my last for a very very long time.

I'm fucking shaking. This is unbelievable.

I don't know what to do. And for the first time in my life, I don't want to make a decision.

I'm so glad I'm going to be seeing Priscilla tomorrow.

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