Yet another movie managed to set me off. After watching it, I remembered just how much I love the flute. After listening to those flute players play at the Maverick's game, I remembered what it felt like to enjoy playing the flute. I remember those endless hours of practicing where time seemed to fly. I remember the feeling of accomplishment when I outranked everyone older then me. I remember how calming it was, how all my troubles seemed to go away. I remember right before I started to play in front of people, I would get really nervous, but once I started playing it was just me and the music as one. God, I miss that. I miss it so much. That's probably why I like Gina so much. Her passion for the flute touches me. I can see it in her eyes and feel it when she plays. Kristina Frost, our wonderful first chair floutist, on the other hand does not enjoy the flute. She plays for the competition. There's no emotion behind her playing, only technique.

I really don't know what happened to me. One minute, I was really good, the next minute, I suck. I honestly don't remember ever enjoying the flute. Except on some occasions when the feeling comes back in the middle of band, and then I remember. I remember what it feels like to play my heart out. But then, it's gone, and I feel empty again. I don't even practice now. I don't try. I've lost hope.

Confidence was always an issue I had. It was something that Dr. Clardy was never able to help me solve. It's not like I gave her much of a chance to help me. I never really did believe I was any good. I didn't see the potential people saw in me. But now I do. But it's too late. I've lost the touch. I hated the pressure my parents put on me. It makes me sad that if I'm not the best, they aren't interested. Heh. They don't even go to my concerts anymore. My dad who was once so proud of me because of my wonderful flute playing now decides to sit in the back at an All-Region concert because I wasn't the best in my school and was too embarrassed to sit in the front like he always did. Heh. Now, he doesn't even bother to come to my concerts because I'm last chair in band. If was first, he would come, he would smile and brag to everyone how I'm his daughter, the girl sitting up front playing the flute solo. It's just so fucking hard for them to believe that even if I'm not the best, I still enjoy playing the flute. It was always about the fame to them. Not the passion. I can't play without it. I don't have it anymore. I've lost it. The flute was the door to my emotions and it still is. Like I said, a large part of me died that day.

I won't be going to Disney World with the band this year. I have yet to tell my parents. My mom is coming back on Tuesday. My dad will be leaving soon. I'm suppose to leave on the 16th. Not aymore. Monday I have to tell my band director that I'm failing physics and I can't go. I should be scared of telling my teacher, I should be scared to tell my dad, but I'm not. It just doesn't matter as much as it use to. It matters, but not enough. I should be scared of their disappointment. But I'm not. I'm actually quite apathetic to it on a certain level.

So many thoughts. So many questions. And for once, I want to deal with them on my own. I've opened a part of me up that has never been opened before, in return another part has to go. Time for it to shut down.

Time for a new beginning.

Sorry, you do not have permission to comment.

If you are a member, try logging in again or accessing this page here.