I think I've just found my character for my short story that I'm going to make. Maybe I can try to get a scholarship out of it, eh? Short stories are hard to write though, I don't think I can do it with the character that I have developed. Maybe I can just write a some segment of her life of how she came to be what she was. But it's not creative enough, I want something with a deeper meaning. I've never read a fantasy short story in my fucking life. Hmmm. I've got so many ideas. Time for me to get ready for SAT classes. Toodles.

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Did you know that there is a whole site that helps you set up your very own Gay/Straight Alliance in high school? I actually think I'm going to do this. Although it makes me kind of nervous because I'm not like really open. All the more reason for me to do it though. I mean, I'll tell people who I consider close, but I don't really fight the thing. I don't know man. It would be cool, but Berkner is like fucking...everyone is like in the closet. I swear. How am I going to get people to join? I don't even know any gay people at my school. I know like two bisexual people. Megan and Kensey. That's about it. That's pretty sad. Richardson High School is like fucking gay central and they have less people then berkner, but I only know two people who like the same sex. Two! Out of a population of..a lot. Haha. Who am I going to talk to? How am I going to start it? What are we going to discuss. It would help if I've actually gone to a club meeting..okay..I went to one but I really haven't you know paid attention because it was just fucking boring. I want this to something cool. I want this to start out with BANG. I need a good speaker, who can bring people in and really make them listen, I need someone our age to talk about the issues, why it's here. We could be a support group, but I don't know. The problem is I don't know anyone in my school who would actually be interested. I know at RHS it would be a peace of cake to get people to go, but at Berkner that's a completely different story. Which is why I'm thinking, is it possible to just do a Gay/Straight Alliance thing with all the high schools in the district? Because I can understand if it was Debate club, how you would want to separate the school because of competitions and shit, but this..this is something that brings people together. And I really don't think it would work at Berkner. I have soo many ideas, I just need to put it into action. I've always been the thinker, I was never the doer. Maybe I should start being the doer. I don't know. I'll think about this when school starts.

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I still don't know if I should start taking Zoloft again. I don't know. I just don't want to. I don't know why I don't want. I just don't. Actually, I do. It feels like my happiness is being faked I guess. Because everyone is always telling me that I don't need to take it, I control how I feel. And I guess, a big part of me really does believe that. I remember, before I started taking Zoloft, I didn't want to be put on meds because I truly believed that antidepressants were for the weak. I believed that certain things make you depressed and taking a fucking pill isn't going to solve the problems that made you depressed in the first place. I'm not saying this just because the therapist that I went to basically told me the same thing. She says happiness is a choice. But I think I've been asking the wrong question. I shouldn't be asking myself, "If happiness is a choice, why can't I be happy?" I should be asking myself, "Is depression a choice?" I've never really noticed this until I got put on Zoloft, but I have all the signs of clinical depression. I can't concentrate worth shit, I'm tired all the fucking time, I sleep all the fucking time, most of the time I really don't want to do shit, I don't want to talk to people, shit I don't wanna interact with anyone, I have major mood swings, and I've been eating way too much. Maybe I should be put back on Zoloft. I know I should. But I don't believe I should.

There's just something about it that I don't like. It makes me too energetic. That isn't a bad thing, but I feel even more ADD when I'm on Zoloft because I feel like I always have to be doing something. But I am happier. *Sigh* I don't know. I'll talk to my mom tomorrow.

Doctor, doctor, here I come again.

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I'm dead to the world. That part of me that was happy seemed to have died once again. I've been dreaming. I started dreaming about May. I think I know what she symbolizes now. Destruction. I'm so completely fucked up right now. I haven't felt the touch of happiness in what seemed like years. My anger is growing, my self hatred is consuming me, my depression overwhelms me. There's only silence left in my place. I hardly ever talk now, and what I say, means nothing. I say the things I say out of habit. I laugh because it's the right time to laugh. I talk because that's how I'm suppose to respond. But I'm so dead inside. I can't feel anything anymore. I don't feel like doing anything. My migraines are coming back. My smiles are forced. And each day it becomes more difficult to pretend that I'm happy. The world is a blur. I'm losing my passion for everything. It's gotten to the point where I want to scream, but I can't anymore. It's not because no one can hear me, it's because I can't. I've lost my voice. I've lost my ability to cry out for help. There's just nothing. I can't even cry anymore. Things were said. Even if he did apologize, it doesn't take back the fucking shit he said. I can't find it in my heart to forgive. You can never take back the things you've said or done. There's just a line that you don't cross. Well, I crossed it. Went way passed it. Never going to find my way back I don't think. I know why I dreamt about May. I know exactly why. The feeling is so fresh in my mind.

I can't see the good in the world anymore. Everything seems to have fallen into darkness. Why hope? I'm tired of hoping for something good in this world. That there is such thing as "good." I'm tired of believing in my idealistic thoughts. It only pulls me down.

I'm what the world has made me. A walking dead shell.

I've given up on the fact that I can help people, because I can't. What difference have I really made in people's lives other then Priscilla's? And plus, she'll do fine without me. I'm pass the stage where I want love, friendship, kindness, whatever. Really, I don't want much of anything, except to just fucking die. My emotions have gone far beyond the point where I can just cut and release them. Or punch a wall or something. They've exploded inside of me.

If you ever read this Bettie. I'm sorry for being so distant with you today. I just...I can't do it anymore...I don't know how you handle things..but I just can't. I can't. Not anymore. And I'm sorry if I seem distant when you come back. And remain distant.

I've become the very thing that I hate.

There's no light in the darkness this time. It's just pitch black.

I need something to believe in. But there isn't anything to believe in except for lies.

I'm going to sleep. Hopefully I'll never wake up again.

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I've become quiet again. I'm still trying to figure out exactly why I stopped taking Zoloft. It did make me happy, but I feel as if it made me too happy. And tooo fucking energetic! But now, I'm like tired all the time again and I don't feel like doing anything. So maybe I should start taking Zoloft again? I don't want to though. I don't like how it makes me feel, but at the same time I do. But I don't. I don't know. Maybe I do like my non-existent stress. I don't like the anxiety though. But at the same time I do cause it feels so normal now. And being happy and anxiety free doesn't make me feel normal. As a matter of fact, being SOCIAL doesn't feel normal. I don't know. I can't afford to fuck up again in school. =(

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Whoa. Nutang changed. Too green.

Anyways, yeah, I think I'm back to my old self again. The fight with my parents was bad. I don't even want to talk about it. In fact, I refuse to talk about it. I'm back to keeping everything inside. My mind is numb and I'm lost in another world, another mind, another being. Things said from anger cut deep. And sometimes even an apology can't mend the wound when it's too deep. My insides are bleeding and I'm slowly dying once again. To die over and over again for eternity seems to be my only destiny. At least when I'm angry, I know what I'm talking about. But then again, I've never really been angry to the point where I just say something I don't mean.

It's sad, but I'm back to my apathetic ways. I'm not even depressed right now. I don't feel much of anything and I really don't want to feel anything. Sadness, happiness, whatever. I don't want to feel it. I don't see the need to feel anymore. There's moments when I want to cry, but that is immediately washed from my mind. I don't see the point of crying. What's the point? Crying won't help. And I don't feel anything. I don't need to cry.

A customer asked me today if I was excited about going off to college soon. I told him, no. I want to stay in high school. I want to stay young. He says, "Well, that's really unusual, most people your age want to go off to college and have some fun." I don't understand why people my age want to grow up so damn fast. The only difference between high school and college is that you are kind of supporting yourself. There's the same dumbasses in college. And four years isn't a long time. Soon, you'll graduate and get a job, pay taxes and bills, get screwed over. Yeah, we might get more freedom in college, but we'll also get more hell. I've seen enough people to know that I don't want to go out into the big bad world yet. I'm keeping my precious childhood until it's forced out of me.

Maybe I'm not so apathetic. But enough. Once again, I'm starting to see it as a good thing. Maybe in about a year I'll be able to talk about what happened, but I really don't like festering my wound.


I don't feel like there is anything to live for anymore.
See me.
I am Death.

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