I think this just may be a turning point in my life. It's strange, how one small thing can make a tremendous change. Priscilla's mother called my school today about me skipping with Priscilla. I have three days ISS, and I think, I have to go to court. And Priscilla's mom told me that she was pressing charges and I can't contact Priscilla or else I would be arrested. I swear, I've thought about suicide about fifty billion times this week. I'm glad that that is over with. My dad's kindness has touched me like no one has ever before. In any case, back to the story. Soo, no more contact with Priscilla. Priscilla's mother is blaming me on everything just because I have a car. It's not like Priscilla didn't make her own decision to skip or not. Nope. Her daughter can't think. Other people force her to do stuff. God. Priscilla made her decisions knowing the consequences...well..somewhat of the consequences. I don't think even of us saw this coming. And I find it highly immature that her mom would blame all of this on me and my family. It's just like her. She has always blamed others.

And I'm actually not that upset about it. I can understand why she called my school. I can understand why blaming other people makes it easier. I can understand why she would get my school to believe that it was all my fault. Yes yes, you know it, for the protection of her daughter. The ironic thing is, she's hurting her daughter more this way. But she doesn't see it. She told my dad that she thought Priscilla was a perfect child. I find that highly amusing because she's always bitching at Priscilla for the smallest thing. But then, I can understand that as well, everyone wants their children to be the best that they can be. Her mother thinks that she's protecting Priscilla by trying to push me as far down as possible so there is no chance that I can rise up again and bring down her daughter. To make matters worse, she wants to transfer Priscilla to Berkner (My school) because she thinks Richardson is shit, and yet she doesn't want me to contact Priscilla ever? Why doesn't she send her to a different school, like Pierce? That's a whole lot better school then my school. She's trying to fuck us. She wants an excuse just to point the finger at me.

My school is trying to cover itself up by pointing the finger at us! Saying shit like they contacted my mother in September regarding problems they were having with me. That's a fucking lie. The only contact that was made regarding problems I was having in school was in December and that was about my grades not about my absences. So the school has relayed all this bullshit to Priscilla's mom, basically convincing what a bad student I am, giving her more reason to blame me. While the school tries to cover up the fact that they didn't contact my parents at all about my absences except that one day when I missed school for Chinese New Years.

So this is the thing that will test me and Priscilla's friendship. Heh. I remember how we were talking about how we couldn't see us not being friends. We couldn't see each other getting mad at the other. We couldn't see how our bond could be broken. We didn't bother to think that it would be other people that would try to take our bond of friendship. In any case, I'm not going to contact Priscilla. I'm not going to even bother. Her mother is overreacting, and I can't afford to be blamed for contacting her. And if Priscilla does go to Berkner, and I see her, I'm going to have to pretend that I don't know her. I can already feel my heart getting torn away. It's funny how I wanted her to go to Berkner at first, but now I don't because I'm not quite sure if I'll be able to deal with the pain. The one thing that I'm scared Priscilla will think is that I'm dropping her. And it wouldn't surprise me to think that her mother would manipulate her into thinking that I dumped her. But we were true friends, she'll know. She'll know I would never do that to her. All she has to do is remember the words I said to her in the car after I had dropped Bettie off at her house and she'll know that I would never ever betray her or hurt her in such a way. Never. Friendship over love. Friendship last forever. I just hope that her mother hasn't crippled her too much. I can't help her this time. She has to help herself. Let's hope she doesn't fuck things up.

So now it seems I have to excel in everything that I do. My dad basically begged it, so she can shove my "perfectness" in Priscilla mom's face. To show her that his daughter is better then her daughter. I'm not going to excel because of that. Even now, the thought of being used excites me. God. That scares me. I'm not going to excel to make Priscilla look bad because quite honestly, Priscilla is better then me. She has the most selfishless (I don't even know if that is a word) heart I have ever known. And a brilliant mind, and a charming personality. I won't excel to bring her down. I'll excel to prove her mother wrong. To prove that the way she handles things are not exactly the best way. I have no desire to be better then Priscilla. I never did. I want to help her, by proving that her mother can be an idiot at times.

Priscilla probably got her ass bitched out. I'm glad I didn't. I'm glad my dad just sat down with me and talked. It gave me hope for a better future. He gave me hope. And he gave me a chance. I love him dearly for it. Today is the day that I have truly seen my dad's love for me. And I understand now that he has changed. And I can talk to him! That brings so much joy to my heart. I'm sounding really cheesy right now but I could give a rat's ass. Ya know, this is the first time in a long time that I've really talked to my dad. And it feels really good. I really do look up to my dad. I saw the way he handled things today when Priscilla's mother called. I saw the way his mind worked. I saw...that he's a good person with a better heart the most people. And, I admire him so much. I want to be like him. I'm about to cry. I have never been so emotional in my life. This is great.

Now I don't remember what else I was going to say. I learned one thing. I learned a great many things from this. First, be careful what I do. Second, people aren't as nice as they seem. Third, most people will save themselves...and if they have to screw you over for it...they will. Fourth, I don't know how to hate. But I knew that already. Even this, I find understanding in her mother's actions, and I know she is doing it out of love. So I can't hate her. But the way she handles things is just fucked up. I didn't realize until today just how naive I really am. But I also realized a lot of my strength and weaknesses. It's strange how things turn out. I may have lost a friend in the process, but I gained so much more knowledge from what happened that I would never have gained if it didn't. I have hope that things will work out in the best.

Earlier today, when I realized what her mom was doing, I had half the mind to close out my heart and turn my back on everything. In other words, I was going to let all the mean people get to me and make me mean. Wow, that was a really childish way to explain it but y'all get the drift. But then, I saw my dad, and he made me see that there are both good and bad people. I can't believe I just used the word good and bad. But I'm starting to lose my mode of thinking and can't seem to explain things any other way. I think Max wants out. I feel like I'm not here. And I still believe that people are still good at heart. Yep. I know that will fuck me up in the end. When you have a six year old inside of you, it's hard not to think that. It's hard not to think that the world is all good and you're the only bad person in the good world. It's hard to think that there is both good and evil. Ugh. Goodness. My head is whirling. I'm going to go now.

It seems this will be a farewell to Priscilla, until some other time, eh?

I have no fear that our friendship will end though. Tata!

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Wow. Priscilla's mom called me on my cell phone and left a message bitching about how she doesn't want me around her house anymore, or to talk to her daughter, and she doesn't want me to call ever again. She said she wished I would call her so she could bitch at me and get this shit off her chest. Yep. Interesting, eh? She caught Priscilla and I skipping. Now I have to go to her house tomorrow and apologize. I hate apologizing when I don't mean it, but it will kind of make things easier. So I had to tell my parents that I skipped. To my surprise, they just talked to me. I am so glad that my dad didn't freak out and start bitching at me. I was already emotionally fucked up. I don't think I could have dealt with that. But he just talked to me and stuff. It was pretty cool. And we went out to dinner. I'll say some of the tension has left, but it's still there. Crawfish season! Fuck yeah. I'm going to go eat with my parents Friday at this crawfish place and hopefully I'll be able to talk to my dad. It's almost his Birthday. I don't even have to wait until Father's Day to tell him how much he means to me. I'm going to make him a card for his birthday. I have to be good now and not skip school and shit cause that's what he wants for his b-day. Sooo...that's what I'll give him. I hope Priscilla's okay. God, this fucking sucks! If only she would get online.

I'm waiting for Bettie to call. I've managed to block off my emotions again, or right now I think I would be crying. I love my dad though. And I think I'm going to start talking to him again. The way he was describing me in the past was amazing. I never knew he thought that way about me. But unfortunately, that Jessica is long gone. I don't know how to get her back. It's always been like that. I excel in everything I do to a certain point, and suddenly I start hitting rock bottom. In everything I was ever good at, it was always like that. School, TaeKwonDo, Flute, Softball. I don't understand it. I just suddenly lose my passion. Maybe I got tired of the competition. I don't know. But I miss it. Especially TaeKwonDo, but I'm just not there anymore. God, I remember when I punched Jeffrey in the nose on accident and it started bleeding. That was when I was in like first grade. Heh. I remember the chick Shannon, and we would spar each other all the fucking time. It was great. I don't remember much of softball when I was little though. I just remember the past few years, and well, that was when I already lost my passion for it. Flute. It's strange, how I can be the best for four years straight and then suddenly drop all the way to last chair. And I'm not quite sure if it was the competition that I liked better or what I was doing. I think I liked the competition, and suddenly became tired of it, so I stopped. It's the competition that drove me, I think. The motivation to win and be the best, be better then everyone else. I think I lost my confidence some where along there and could never bring myself to believe that I would be any good. I don't know. I can't remember.

What a fucking eventful week. First I get into a wreck and get grounded, then I nearly have an emotional break down, and then I find out that we got caught skipping. I'm trying to work things out with Bettie. And...a friend of mine..keeping her name anoymnous (sp?) for the sake of privacy...just told me that she's into girls. So if I ever become ungrounded and I'm able to drive my car, I'm going to take her to group. It'll be a good experience for her. To see more people like herself. Glad to know my Gaydar works. God, I'm pathetic....just last year I didn't even know what that word meant. Okay. This wasn't that depressing of an entry. Go me!

Bye byes!

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I didn't go to 4th, 5th, or 6th period today. Instead, I went with Chhai to Condom to Go to go look for a strap on. And we went back to his house to watch a porn movie. It was pretty great. But then he started to feel me up, and I kept telling him to stop and he wouldn't. Fucking fuck. I hate it when he does that. I hate it. I am not going to spend another night crying like a little baby. Things were a lot easier when I just blocked all my emotions away. I should start doing it again. It'll make things less complicated and less dramatic.

So Bettie thinks I'm becoming uninteresting. That's no big surprise. It was only the trashiest of trash people who ever liked me, and Bettie is way better then that. Heh. Like I said, she'll find someone better then me and move on. Let's play shrink on myself. How do you feel about this Jessica? I'm hurt. Why are you hurt? Because the person that I love is beginning to find me uninteresting, and I don't know why, and it's not like we have good communication going. What will you do? What exactly is there to do? All I can do is just sit around and watch it happen. Heh. You can't force someone to find interest in you, if they don't. And I'm not up for being fake. Why do I have a feeling that this is going to be ten times worse then how I felt after May? Let's pray that I have the strength to move on. One obstacle after another, eh?

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I can't stop crying. My eyes are puffy from crying all last night. The worst part is...I don't know why I was crying. I know what triggered it. But that wasn't the reason why I was crying. At first I was crying because of the lack of communication with my dad. Then, I was crying because I felt unwanted. Something about angering other people made me bawl. I don't know why. And then I was crying because I was debating whether or not to commit suicide or not and the whole thought process that goes with it. There's a deeper reason why I was crying. I can't get at it. No wonder crying never makes me feel better. It just makes me feel like crying some more. I don't think I'm going to school again today. I can't deal. Can't deal. Can't deal. I should though. I really should. My emotions are out of control and I don't know why. Great. I can't even help myself.

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This is the point when everythiing comes crashing down. I'm choking on my own fucking misery. Maybe I'll choke to death this time.

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I'm highly fustrated right now, pissed off, and depressed. And I don't know why. Actually I do. What Bettie said last night hit a little too close to home. I think last night was the first time since seventh grade that I cried myself to sleep. Now why was I crying? I hate the fact that I can't talk to my dad at all. I've tried and tried and tried and tried and tried. It doesn't fucking work. It's no coincidence that my brother lives with his mom instead of my dad. My dad is only someone to obey. Heh. I remember last year, when we were eating at this crawfish restaurant, I was talking to my dad about my brother and maybe he should talk to my brother like he's a friend instead of an adolescent teenager. "A dad is a dad. I dad can't be a friend," he said. I was merely trying to help. I found out from my mom a few days later, that my dad was mad at me because he thought that I was blaming him. That's no fucking surprise. He always thinks I blame him in my every words and my every actions. It's sad. My own dad throws on a mask in front of me. So, I gave up a long time ago. I was never able to talk to him. The only voice he wants to hear is his own. It's funny. My dad is the one person that I look up to, but he's the furthest away from me. There comes a time when no matter how hard you try, you just don't get what you want. Yes, I'm giving up so I really should stop griping about this, eh? I don't have the heart to try anymore. It hurts too much. With every failure, I lose a part of my heart and soul. I'm too broken to give anything anymore.

I've come to realize that I haven't grown. At all. I'm standing still in one place. And if not that, falling. I have no words to describe the extent of my sorrow. For there are no words for it, as there are no words for describing love. I'm just a lost little girl, living on a tiny thread on the brink of being cut. And that thread is Hope. Hope for a better tomorrow. But even the flame of Hope dwindles with time.

There are no more words.

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