I can no longer give myself to someone fully without nothing in return. It hurt too damn much. It's a part of me that she stole. My true innocence. Something she'll always have in her possession to use against me if she so wished. She saw me at my most vulnerable state when I was naive and knew nothing of the evils in this world. Even now, a part of me wants to go back, even though I know it will never be. Not even the friendship that I desired so long ago. I'm once again wanting something that I can never have. Even though I've let go, the scars are still there. And this will only leave yet another scar of pain and lessons learned. Either way, these pains will never cease to stop, its presence always known upon my conscious. I'll be leaving soon anyways. So I guess it really doesn't matter. It's time for change. It's time for a new life. *Sigh*

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Ohhh. Pretty collar.

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Ahhh! I saw Priscilla today. I talked to Priscilla today in person! It was fucking awesome. I felt so..pleasant/happy/every good feeling in the world afterwards. I wanted to stay and talk to her so bad. I wanted to tell her EVERYTHING at that very moment but that would have taken hours upon hours and plus I had to go to work. I was glad I was able to talk to Priscilla. It was a relief to finally talk to her. She has changed a lot as well, but she's still the same. Priscilla has just matured. We both have matured. We're both growing and progressing. I honestly think that this separation was something that we both needed. It's a way for us to find ourselves in society without the other one around. I hope she doesn't back out of this whole opening up thing. And she has a car! They're going to let her drive it next week. That is fucking awesome. I hope she doesn't get into a car crash. Fuck man, once Priscilla and I are able to start hanging out again she's fucking driving. I'm chilling in the passenger seat. Although I might die from a heart attack because of Priscilla's driving. J/K. Passenger seat. *Sigh* What a pleasant thought. I can't wait for the day she finds her man. I'll be so happy to see that she has someone to make her truly happy. To have someone that will fill other side, to make her complete. And the strangest thing is, I feel no jealousy at all for having to share Priscilla. Now I understand how it was for her when Mistress and I were together. As long as that man makes Priscilla happy, I'll be completely happy for her, unless he's an asshole then it'll be time for me to do some ass kicking. I'm not scared that someone will steal her away from me because deep down in my heart I know and believe that we will always be close friends. Man, seeing her just made my whole day better. And I had a pretty shitty day today. Now. I miss Mistress. I haven't smoked in three days. What an accomplishment. That's pretty sad. I wanted to smoke so bad today. I was about to ask my manager for a smoke but I stopped myself. I don't want to disobey Mistress ever again. I want to be the best sub Mistress has ever had. Man, Megan fucking asked me if I wanted to smoke dro with her. Shit, I wanted to so bad because I've never smoked that shit before but I can't. Mistress wouldn't allow it. I love Mistress. I would never want to anger or disappoint her. I really did have a change of heart. A big change of heart. I am much more submissive now, and I feel much more connected to Mistress. Not to mention, when I think about Mistress and Rej being together it doesn't bother me anymore. At all. I've found my place in the midst of all this. Mmm. I think I will be having pleasant dreams tonight.

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I'm confused. I wish I never stepped in there. That's not true. Repressed anger is the reason why I am depressed. And now everytime I feel even a tad bit angry I start analyzing it. I wrote four pages of shit today. I don't even remember what I wrote. Both times I was angry and both times it ended up getting me depressed until I blocked it off. And I'm in an irritable mood right now. The thought of dealing with those rude ass customers just makes me want to shoot myself. But who am I angry at? I know I'm angry with myself. Oh, fuck. This shit has gotten me thinking WAY too much. I have never thought this much about my problems in a very very very long time. And I'm starting to really confuse myself. I'm ending my thoughts right here. This is making me crazy.

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Happy? Oh yeah, I am. Which is fucking unbelievable. I'm so hyper right now. I'm in one of those happy moods. Shit. My mind is going soo fast. Ahhh. Hehe.

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Mahmud got me thinking about how exactly I got over her. And I honestly must say that I don't know. It just kind of happened. With time, the pain just kind of faded. I talked about it a lot to Priscilla. And surprisingly, she was the only one that had the patience to listen. It was Priscilla that helped me a lot. With her friendship, she helped me realize that I didn't need her. That I only managed to convince myself that I needed her. I guess in a sense the thing that I wanted the most was a companion. And I started looking for it in the wrong place. But then again at the time I didn't know I was into girls. Or rather I refused to accept it. However, deep inside I knew that I had fallen hard for her. A little too hard. I was searching for love when I was suppose to be searching for friendship. It was Priscilla loyalty and trust, her compassion and her honesty, along with my Will for the pain to stop that helped me get over her. I don't think I would have gotten over her if it wasn't for Priscilla. I think I would still be trying to hold on to that thread. Letting myself get hurt everytime I heard her say that she loved someone else. Priscilla saved me.

And now I'm put back into the same situation, but this time it's more complex. And this time Priscilla isn't here to save me from myself. I have to do it on my own. I just love the obstacles life gives me. And there was no sarcasm in that.

Anyways, she helped me by just listening, by letting me vent all my pain and never getting annoyed when I did it. That's how I got over her. And I don't know what made her so different from my other friends that I told. I guess it was just her charming charismatic nature. Haha. No, two empty souls know one another. It was because out of all my friends, she was the one that could sympathize, she was the one that cared, and she was the one that didn't turn a deaf ear on me. I guess she was the only one that understood. And plus, I felt really comfortable around her.

She took a lot of heat from her that was suppose to be directed at me. And I guess that just made me realize. Something just clicked in my head then. What's the point of hanging on when you know that it's not going to work? To this very day, four years later, I still care about her and I still love her. I'm just not in love with her anymore. Even though we rarely talk now, if she called for help I would still help. It's good to have hope, but false hope can destroy you rather then help you. Wow, it really has been four years. That seems so long ago.

Hmmm. So the point is you just gotta accept the way things are and only then will you be able to truly let things go. Pain can help you grow if you let it. I learned a lot from falling hard for someone I could never ever get. You just gotta be able to find the lesson in this and NOT GIVE UP! Hehe. Plus, even if you do give up you'll still hurt. It'll hurt even worse actually.

Alright. I have to go.

Goodnight!

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