I hate family reunion/dinner type stuff. I hate it soo much. I never realized just how much I wasn't myself when I'm around the family. I'm absolutely miserable. Seriously, it's kind of sad. Everyone has their fake smiles and all that shit. I am definitely the odd duck in the family. But I don't give a shit, because they can just fuck themselves. I'm tired of my parents complaining about what I want to do in life, or how I dress, how I handle things, how I'm way too nice and I shouldn't be too nice because out in the real world you have only yourself and people will step on you if they have a chance. I hate how they're in constant denial of my sexual orientation. I'm not the person that they want me to be and I will never be that person. I refuse to be the stupid stereotypical everyday "I have to be like everyone else because it's wrong to be original" type of person. They disapprove of me wanting to be a psychologist when I grow up, instead they want me to be some all star flute player. Good for them. I don't want to be an all star flute player like James Galway. Sorry, I would rather help people, or try to help them, is that really so horrible? I don't want to live a life of fame. I'm not that kind of person. Yes yes yes, all parents want is the very best for their children. But they get blinded by what they think will be best for their children that they don't realize what it really is. Shit. I am so moving to California. I don't care what they say. They may be right, they may be wrong. They're probably right. But for once, I just want to experience life. Just experience it and not worry about what will happen in the future. Maybe I'll regret it, maybe I won't, as long as I'm alive and learning and experiencing then it's all good. If it doesn't work, I'll move back, or I'll find a way for it to work. I already found a temporary place to live in California. My cousins offered. They'll rent the bottom half of the house to me if I really wanted to live there. They're young too, 22-23 somewhere around there, young innocent and naive and soo ignorant. OMG. It's amazing. It'll be fun. I've made my decision. And it's not changing. Today for some reason was a big eye opener. I don't know why. It's just, I see them, and I don't like what I see. I refuse to live a life that they've set out for me. Sooo, now I'll just have to get my cousin to agree. LoL. That should be amusing, I don't think they actually believed that I meant what I said. But they offered, and I'm taking it. And my parents can just go fuck themselves for all I care. I refuse to let their words bring me down any longer. I'm my own person. This is my life. I want to make my own mistakes. Plus, hehehe, they live really close to Berkley. Which means, they live very close to Candice, hehehe. But I am not moving there for her. If something changes between us, if we end up never talking to each other (which I hope doesn't ever happen) I am still moving there. 100% sure. That's what I want to do. That's what I really want to do. And we all know, when I really want to do something, I really do it. Something good did come out of the dinner. I don't have to worry so much about money when I do move there. I don't have to worry too much about finding a place to live quite so quickly. I have family there that can show me around help me get settled. And I am definitely going to go to N. Cal this Spring break. At least, I'm 88% sure I am. And I am going to live with Candice and not my cousin! Hehehe. I'm excited.

Okay, I feel better now that I'm done bitching.

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I'm sitting here at 5:30 in the morning pondering how the woman I love with all my heart could possibly write something so beautiful for me. I'm utterly amazed at her incredible talent. Everytime I read it I can't help but smile. It leaves me breathless. I feel like I'm floating on cloud Infinity. My romanticism is starting to become a very good habit of mine.

It's weird. I never thought myself capable of loving someone so much. But of course, the universe loves to prove me wrong. All the fear, all the self doubt, seemed to disappear with my love for Candice. I feel complete. Whole. Blah blah blah. All that mushy love stuff. No but seriously, she's awakened a side of me that I thought died so long ago. It almost makes me cry thinking about it. For once in my life, I'm genuinely happy. Again, I was beginning to think that wasn't possible as well. It's like she repaired a jaded heart.

I wish I could give her half the things she has given me.

And she said the sweetest thing! LoL. She said that if I ever wanted to transition FtM, she would be okay with it, because it would be something I needed to do and she would definitely need to adjust but she'll support me! That's soo sweet. Of course, I would never want to transition, but that's so sweet anyways! Hehe.

I love her. She's the most sweetest, most passionate, most caring, loving person in the whole wide universe! Muah!

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Wow, it's 3:30 in the morning and I just got back from work doing inventory. And I'm not really that tired. But then again, I did take a nap until 5:50 this afternoon. Hehe. I love sleep. I've been working a lot lately, I need to get stuff off of my mind. I work a lot when I feel the tides of depression crashing in. Resident Evil: Apocalypse isn't that bad of a movie. I didn't cry in Wimbledon! Yeah. I have been so emotional lately it is insane. And I can't blame it on my period I don't think. Phooey.

I just need to write. And it's late at night. That's when my thoughts seem to flow more freely. Whatever I say here and now will probably change by tomorrow morning. I just need to get all my thoughts and feelings out. Re-evaluate everything.

And of course, it all has to do with Candice. I don't know what's going on, and I don't know what to do. There is suddenly this wall between us and it is rather depressing. I know why it's there. And I don't want it to be there. She wasn't suppose to know that I was hurting. I knew this was going to happen. It's not that she hurts me all the time. And it's not that it happens every single day. But whatever I feel, it always goes away when I hear her voice on the other end of the line. It ALWAYS leaves. I wish she could understand that the hurt really doesn't matter to me. Because that pain is so small compared to the love that is given to me. But then again, I have to think about it in her perspective. I wouldn't want to hurt her either. And I hate the fact that I'm hurting her because I'm hurt by her. Maybe I should just take a step back even though I don't want to. And I would probably try to protect her from me if I ended up hurting her too. You know, not to long ago, I was scared that she would love me because I was scared that I would hurt her. And I honestly didn't want her to. I was perfectly fine with the way things were. But after those words left her lips, it was like all the fear just vanished into thin air. I knew I wouldn't purposely hurt her and we can't help the unintentional. You know? Joe told me something once when I told him that I was scared of hurting Candice. That I didn't want to hurt her. He told me that no one ever wants to hurt the ones they love, but sometimes it happens. That's when you learn to talk it out and forgive one another and move on. I guess we all see the evil in ourselves and our potential to hurt our beloved ones.

She's always telling me that I deserve someone better. Someone that will give me what I want. The honest to god truth, I don't know what I want. I don't want her to commit to me. I know that much. I even told Priscilla that. I don't want a long distance relationship. And yet I am absolutely in love with that woman. Can't I just love someone? Garsh. But seriously, she is an absolutely amazing person. She doesn't realize just how great of a person she is. And I thought Bettie changed me. Well she did. But Candice has impacted my life so dramatically that I do not even know where to begin. She's awakened the side of me that I thought died a long time ago. Priscilla has seen the change. I'm not as apathetic as I use to be. There's actually the sparkle of life in my eyes. There's hope and faith. I see the world in a whole new light because of her. Whether she realizes this or not, but I really do love the way that she runs on impulse and her emotions. It's a perfect balance. It's one of the major qualities of her personality that I love the most, because it makes up who she is inside. And her love. When she really loves someone and she really cares about them, omg, it's so fiercely overwhelming it leaves you bubbling with giddiness. And she's passionate. So passionate. It always amazes me just how passionate she's able to be. I love the quiet intellectual side of her that loves to go to book stores and read for hours. I love how she is so charismatc and gets straight to the point. Her intuition is absolutely amazing. Her honesty is yet another one of her best qualities. Her love for people in general. The way she gets all cutesy when she's tired is just absolutely adorable. How her voice changes with her mood. I love the sound of her voice. Her fierce protectiveness. And the way she sounds when she wakes up in the morning. She is absolutely gorgeous. Most importantly, she has one of the biggest hearts ever. The list goes on and on. This is why I don't like it when she asks me why out of all people I chose her and why I love her and blah blah. Because it would literally take me hours upon hours explaining why I chose her and why I love her. And yeah.

The thing that happened with Blanca really did hurt me. I spent about two days crying. I did feel betrayed. I felt betrayed by both parties. I don't know why. I understood it when I was crying but I don't remember now. Well, I do know why. But I've accepted it. I know how Candice is. I've always known how Candice was. But like she said, knowing and seeing are two different things. I've known but I never really believed she was that way until now. What am I going to do now? Exactly what I have been doing. Let her do her own thing and learn to accept it. Yes, it may still bother me, but it doesn't bother me as much as it did before. It just bothers me that I'm not the one that's there to please her because of the distance. And it just totally sucks. But that's how things are. I understand that it didn't mean anything.

Do I still feel betrayed? No. I feel like I'm finally seeing the reality of it all. Will I accept her for who she is? Yes, I will because I love her deeply. And no matter what she does with anyone else will not change that even if we were to do something together and she goes off and does it with another person, I will still love her. Will it bother me? In time, and in the near future, and possibly now, it will not. Because I understand now and I've seen it. Do I still trust her? Absolutely. I trust her with my heart and my whole heart.

I was serious when I said that I wanted to be hers.

All in all, she promised me that she would not push me away. And that is good enough for me. That is all I want. I love her and I care about her and that's all I want to do..is to love her and be there for her as a friend and a lover. If she wants more, so be it, if she doesn't, it's fine also.

I've always said that all I wanted was her happiness. When's she's happy, I'm happy. I mean it with all my heart.

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I've never really thought about this before until today. But I think my greatest weakness and my greatest strength is my selflessness or something. It's the thing that helps the most people but the thing that hurts me the most. And I guess it's a good thing that I'm such a masochist. It balances me out. I have such contradictive sides of myself, it's not wonder people think I'm weird. Nicole says I get all weird when I talk to Candice. I wonder which side of me she sees. I do not get all weird! What the hell? I wonder how I get all weird. I'm more serious and goofier when I talk to Candice. And I'm mushier and more...me? I'm more submissive! I don't know! Shit! No, it's not my selflessness that's my greatest weakness/strength. It's my love. Or something along those lines. I really don't know how to name it. It's the part of me that wants to give everyone a chance, that sees the good in everyone, that believes to some extent that everyone deserves and can be helped, that they are good people, and all that stuff! And I found it really amusing that my advice to Blanca was totally different from what other people gave her. In fact, it was the exact opposite. I don't know. I guess you can say I have faith in humanity. If I was in Blanca's position, to me it would be worth it. But then again, I AM a masochist, and I do enjoy the emotional pain therefore I know I can handle it. That's what love is to me. To me, if I really really love someone, truly and honestly, then it would be worth the pain. And it's so hard to find someone that will let you love them without them taking full advantage of it. But with Candice it's a different kind of love. It's a sacred kind of love. I truly would sacrifice everything for her. I would move there in a heart beat if she really wanted me to. Michael in group said that it was stupid to sacrifice so much for love. He said that you should always do things for you before you do them for someone else. And you know, thinking about it, aren't I doing this for me? I know the consequences. It could all end up in disaster, but it could not, but isn't that what love is? Taking the risk. If you took no risk, where would you be? Where would anyone be when it comes to love? Yeah. I've always been doing this to some extent or another. I sacrifice a lot for a lot of people. I do a lot for a lot of people. It's just the way I am. It's one of my personality traits. Just like my stuborness and my rebelliousness is part of my personality trait. I don't know. Wow, Candice is right. I finally see it now.

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Hmmmm. I had a nice conversation with Priscilla today. I really don't understand why it is so difficult for people to tell each other their feelings. I swear it's only the heteros! Hehe, J/K. It's everywhere. I don't know. I think once Priscilla matures she'll be able to face the rejection better. She just hasn't found the right person yet. It's always been easy for me to tell someone that I like them. Yes, I was scared of the rejection, but whatever, it wasn't meant to be. Shit happens. But I also grew out of the whole rejection thing. It really isn't that big of a deal to me. Because it doesn't make me any less of a person because someone I am not compatible with isn't interested and what not. I guess that's the reason why I have no hard feelings for Bettie. We were never meant to be. It would have never worked out. I think we both knew that. Once you stop searching you find the person that you're looking for. It's bizarre. You know, I was going to write something that was intelligent, but I can't get my brain to work.

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I just feel the need to write but I don't know what about. Priscilla was talking to me about her guy friend today. I don't know. I think she should definitely tell him what she's going to tell him tomorrow at Shiloh, but I think she should wait until he matures a little. If they were to get into a relationship at this moment, it wouldn't work. As much as their personalities mesh together almost perfectly, I don't think they are ready. It would be very cute. And what ever happened to Priscilla being scared of people getting close?! LoL. What the hell happened? She's actually letting herself like him. And this time it really isn't fun and games. It feels serious. Yay. Would she actually let him love her? Would she actually let him in? And why didn't I think of these questions earlier today? My tummy hurts.

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