Damnit, the school blocked the xanga site. How annoying. I'm so bored. And really confused about this Animation thing I'm suppose to be doing but it's already done for me or something. I'm confused.

Ahhh. I need to talk to Blanca today. I don't even know what I'm going to say to her. Obviously, all her games that she's playing with everyone just needs to stop. I'm going to ask her about the write up. I wonder if she's the type of person that will admit that she was lying when she's caught in a lie, or she's going to keep on denying it. You know, this really doesn't bother me all that much though, that she took advantage of me and all that jazz. The kiss didn't mean jack shit to me. What bothers me now is that that kiss opened the doors to her being able to boss me around. As much as I like being controlled, I don't like being controlled in this way. It irks me to no end. So I'm going to tell her today, if she's going to tell me to do something, then she better be doing something as well, if she doesn't, she is no better than Erica. All fucking talk.

I really don't want to charge her with sexual assualt though. Even if she is playing dirty, I don't want to play dirty back. I mean, it's not like I tried to stop her from kissing me, ya know? So it really wasn't sexual assault. But then again, it is kind of sexual assault in a subtle way. I don't know. I'm too nice of a person. I want to do it but then at the same time I don't. I don't know. If she wasn't doing the same shit to Chantelle and Nicole I wouldn't, but since she is, I'm going to because that's just fucked up. LoL. It doesn't bother me when it's done to me but it bothers me when it's done to someone else. I'm not angry about it anymore. That's why I don't want to charge her with it. But ughh. I don't know.

I hate myself sometimes. No I don't. I'm just too nice. I just want to help her. I want to help everyone. But I don't think doing this will make things better for her. Maybe it's not suppose to, other people are at risk too, but I still want to just help her. I don't want to screw with her the way she's screwing with me. I don't want to sink down to her level. I want to bring her up. But people always seem to take advantage of it and they never really change. I don't know. I don't know.

It's a curse. Wanting to help everyone and believing everyone can be helped. Ughh. My idealism.

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I can't think of titles for my entries anymore.

I think I am going insane. It's really difficult to control myself especially when I'm home alone and it's dark and I'm horny as fuck. God damnit. And I don't feel like disobeying her twice in one day. I'm terrified of the consequences. Well, yes and no. My body aches to be touched so badly right now. This is what happens when you're horny, and it's cold and wet outside, and you're told not to wear any undergarments under your clothes. The smallest touch of my shirt against my hardened nipples just sends a jolt of pleasure through me. Too small to satisfy me but enough to drive me up the fucking wazoo. And it takes every ounce of my energy to fight my hands off, which only makes me even hornier knowing that I won't touch myself, I can't, because I belong to her. I've already surrendered my heart and body. And soon it'll be my mind. Soon, I'll be completely hers. Soon, I'll be jumping to her every command. Soon, I'll be doing whatever she wants me to, for the simple reason that she commands it, and she owns me. I'm hers and no one elses. So why wouldn't I not want to do what she says?

See how my mind is starting to change? I like it. She's on the verge of breaking me. I can feel it in every fiber of my bones. My stubborness is failing me. I put up my last fight today. Not that I'm trying really hard to fight because I want to be completely hers, but I've always been one to like the fight, to see how long it would take for someone to break me, which I don't even really know why I do other than the fact that I'm just stubborn and I like it. But I'm already regretting not obeying her today. I'm already fearing the consequences. The punishments that are coming. I've debated just lying to her, but I can't, not to her. Never to her. I can just imagine it. She's going to ask me if I went back to school. And when I tell her that she didn't, I'll hear the way her voice changes, the coldness and the steel like quality that comes from disappointment.

I have this strange feeling that tonight will be the night that I beg for her forgiveness.

Tonight will be the night that I will be broken, because I don't think I can fight it anymore, I don't want to.

Tonight will be the night I'll be completely hers.

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My depression is hitting in like a charm. I think it's time for me to go back on anti-depressants again. But I don't want to, even though it did help, and it made my orgasms so much better, it always didn't make me feel myself. But then again, when I'm depressed I don't really feel myself either. But I feel myself more than when I'm taking some pill that stimulates the chemicals in my brain that makes me happy. I don't know. It just happened randomly at work. It was terrible. I need to keep myself busy. Steve wants me to come in and take over Anthony's shift tonight. I'm still debating. I think I am going to. And then I can come home and do my homework, pull an all nighter because I don't feel like sleeping. And my mind seems to be wandering in a million places at once. I have too many thoughts going through my head and I don't know how to control them and my emotions. And yeah. I'm at the stage where I want everything but I don't want anything at all, I love people and yet they annoy the fuck out of me. I'm becoming my anti-social quiet apathetic (okay, maybe not apathetic) self again. Where I just kind of sit in the back, dig at people's minds, psychoanalyze them, and brush them off. And most of all, I just want to hide in my room and watches one movie after another and not talk to anyone ever again. That's what I want to do. But I'm not going to do. Because it's bad bad bad. LoL. So fuck you Depression. I'm not going to let you win.

I don't think I'm going to go to Plano group anymore. The dude in there really really pisses me off. I'm just pissy right now. Really really pissy. AHHHH.

On a brighter note, Bettie wrote the sweetest thing on her Xanga. I never really knew what happened. But now I do.

I'm going to work.

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It's strange to think that someone so many miles away can affect someone through just words. A king can command an army being thousands of miles away. It's amazing. Someone would obey his orders without even knowing him. We are all connected.

No one really understands how I can have feelings for Candice. I don't think even Priscilla understood it until they talked. But I feel connected to Candice in a way I've never ever been connected with anyone else. (Priscilla of course being excluded)

She's going to get me a collar. I am sooo excited! No normal person would be excited and happy about being collared. I'm kinky like that. She wants me to say ma'am and sir to everyone who is an authority figure. Ughh! I don't wanna. I hardly ever ever say ma'am or sir unless I'm in a respectful and pleasant mood. And now I have to. There's only so much I can take before I break, before I give in, it doesn't help when I like submitting no matter how stubborn I am.

I'm calling in for work. I'm not going. I have to much homework. Another chair test. Ahhh. I don't even know the second cut and now I have to learn the third cut? Damnit.

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So far today has been very strange. I woke up today in an awfully good mood. To explain my mood even better..I gave this customer my second season of Queer as Folk, like all the volumes, just because we didn't have it at our store and she really wanted to watch the second season. And I had it in my car so I let her borrow it. Of course, I really don't care if I ever see it again. But I can't believe I did that. And I can't believe that I don't care if I don't get it back. I know she is but still..

I think I'm in such a good mood because of talking to Candice last night. She was all peaceful and calm and it made me all peaceful and calm. It was pretty intense. And I had the craziest dream. Actually it wasn't really that crazy, but that's another reason why today was just so strange. I was strangely happy. Seriously.

I keep having this one dream that's in the same place just with different situations. But last nights dream, I was trying to protect a moth cause these people were trying to kill it. So I ran into the forest (which I've been in before in my other dreams that's why I ran into it because I knew the area) it really wasn't a forest, it was like a park but different, anyways, it's like Shiloh, so I put the moth in this container because I'm scared I'm going to smush it, but the moth had some magical power and containing it would only drain that energy, which I was scared of also, so I was trying to run from the "hunters" and find a safe place for it.
Anyways, something happens, I don't remember what, and the moth gets smushed and I'm all side and stuff. But since it was out of its container, it came back to life. Yeah, it's really weird.

I wonder what it means. That place feels different from other places. Like everytime I have that dream when I'm in that place, and I wake up, I feel different, no matter what happens in that place, I wake up, happy and calm. It's like...it feeds my curiousity.

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Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

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