I'm starting to find this new passion for art, especially abstract expressionism. In the past when I looked at art, I was really indifferent to it. It was just art. But now that I actually kind of know what I'm looking at, it really fascinates me, and it amazes me just how well some people are able to put things into a drawing. I really do like abstract art though. It's amazing. It's soo emotional. My head is spinning off my shoulders looking at some right now. I can't seem to be able to express my emotions anymore through words. Words just aren't good enough for me right now. They're too strong, and there aren't any words to express how I feel. I think I'm going to get photoshop. I need to find new ways to express myself. There's so much you can do with photoshop and a digital camera. This is actually exciting. I found something new that I like. But then I'm really fickle so my obsession might end in a few weeks or months. I'm going to go shopping today.

I don't know how I feel right now. I'm kind of lost and confused and I don't know what to do. Maybe I am taking things too seriously. Will I actually want more in the future? Most likely. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't get pissed off and hate her for not giving me what I want. I'm not that kind of person. I should really listen to my own advice. Maybe I should go on a date with Blanca. She's nice and all. And who knows what may happen. I'll just go with the flow. It can't hurt right? I'm interested in Blanca, I'm curious, but I don't like her. I don't know her well enough to make that decision. But her personality just makes her soo god damn attractive. LoL. It makes her beautiful on the outside and in. But she knows I feel that way.

Mmmm. We shall see what happens. I'm working with her tonight. We'll talk and such.

Comment! (0) | Recommend!

I miss her.

I miss talking to her. I miss venting to her. I miss how she was able to bring the darker side of me out. Granted, it did hurt me. But I took it postively and I was able to grow from it. It was something that I needed. And something that I need now. I feel like my brain is going to explode. Actually, it's far past that now. I just feel numb. Brain dead. Drained. Tired. I miss the way I was able to pour my feelings out to her. I miss being able to cry to someone. It's a side of me that few people can handle. And no one has ever seen except her.

Things at work has become very...bizarre. Two lesbians really should not work together. I just want to make out with something. I know Blanca has feelings for me. I don't want any strings attached. I can't give my heart to anyone except Candice. Well, my heart seems to have run away from me. Hehe.

I am so tired.

I get to much sleep.

Comment! (0) | Recommend!

What is Belief? Rej totally commented on my xanga and it got me thinking. When does someone learn to stop believing in something they believe in? If someone really believes in something do you try to "convert" them because you believe in something else? Is that right? Is it wrong? Or does it really not matter? Like that Mormon lesbian chick. She really really believes in her religion. And it would break my heart to totally demolish the basis of her belief system. Well, it wouldn't break my heart, but I would feel bad for it. But then again, I'm the type of person who believes that a person has to do their own things to learn. The bell is about to ring. I'm in a much better mood. It's cold outside! Yes.

Comment! (0) | Recommend!

Sometimes I wish that I could pull a fucking gun to my head, pull the trigger, and feel the bullet zoom through my brain, not killing me, but wiping away all my emotions with one big swoop. Magical bullets. I wished those existed. My mind feels like it's going a thousand miles per hour again and I wish it would just slow down. It wants to feel everything in this world, it's sucking it in like some big black hole. Everything. I almost cried at a freakin' pep rally! That's pathetic. Pathetic. Pathetic! LoL. I can't believe that almost happened. And one stupid customer today made me soo angry. Well, not that angry, but it made my blood boil. Fucking ignorant asshole. Everything in my life is intensified and it's crazy. I don't know how to deal with it. I don't know how to react. Sometimes I wish I could just push it all back to the dusty corner in the back of my brain and not think about it ever again, but another part of me doesn't want that, cause life seems different that way. It seems darker and gloomier. While now, I see the dark and the light sides and it's just so much to take in I don't know...I feel like I'm floating and flying at the same time. It's like I'm zooming past things at this intense rate, I'm going so fast that I don't feel like I'm moving, but really I'm moving faster then I can actually feel.

I really don't want to go to group today because I just want to be by myself. But somehow, just being around people and talking about pointless shit with fake superficial asses seems to cheer me up. God, that use to make you soo depressed. People use to make me so depressed. And now, I don't know! They cheer me up? I find beauty in their strengths and weaknesses. And strangely feel oddly connected with them in a way I have never felt before. It's driving me insane!

Not really. But it just amazes just how complex some people can be. And in the complexity there is so much simplicity. There's always that one part that's the same like everyone else.

Awww. Tricker or Treaters!

Comment! (0) | Recommend!

I'm in digital graphics right now. I'm suppose to be working on my abstract art thing, but it's too depressing. I think I'm going to come in early, or for first period, to work on it and make it pretty and try to get it to look how I want it to look and not make it look like complete shit. I have no artistic skills whatsoever. Shapes don't work in my head. But I have an image of what it should be, maybe I can, I really hope I can make it come out that way. Now, I feel like doodling. There's not enough time to do this! I'm a perfectionist when I allow myself to be one, when I really want something to look a certain way, and it leaves me unsatisfied when I don't have enough time to make it look grand, and soo I can only turn in crap. I love abstract art. There's soo much you can read and analyze from it. And plus, I want this to be good, because it's going to express the way I feel in ways that I can't even begin to express with words. I wish I had Photoshop at home. Damnit. Anyways, I hung out with Priscilla for like an hour before school started and we started talking about stuff. Haha. I surprise myself when I talk to her. I have all these thoughts in my head, but when I said it out loud, it just amazes me all over again that I feel the way I do, that I say the things I say. It's like by saying it it makes things more real. Mark told me last night that he needs a g/f. I asked him why he needed a g/f and he told me he wants a g/f. And I asked him why he wants a g/f, and he said that he wants someone to love and someone who will love him back. I told him that he wants a g/f for the wrong reasons. So many people want to get in a relationship because they are scared of being alone, or they want to be loved, and they think that if they love them they'll love them back. But I don't know. My perspective of love has changed so much. I use to believe that there was no such thing as love. But now, of course, it's different. I really do surprise myself with the things I say to Priscilla about Candice. And I think I surprise her with the things I say. Hehe. But I don't know. This is different. I've never felt this way in my life. I've never felt so calm and relaxed and carefree and whatever before.

Comment! (0) | Recommend!

I don't even know where to begin!

Let's see. For starters, our assistant manager is leaving! Fuck yeah. Fucking bitch. It's about time. Our store manager is transfering her to another store and replacing her with another assistant manager. Whooo hooo! Ever since he's been here, everything has been looking up. The store looks nice. We're getting things done. The employees are fucking awesome with the exception of Erica of course, but she'll be gone soon so it's all good. Yay! And it has all of a sudden become a gay friendly blockbuster store. Not that it wasn't before. But now I have two people to talk to! Yay. Although I don't think he's willing and all. Hehe.

The Block Halloween party is this Saturday night. And the Halloween party for Youth First is this Friday. I wonder if I should go. I can't dance. I could probably find some kind of costume, but I can't think of anything at all right now. OHH! I know. Ha. But no. Not in a million years. I need to adopt a Dom for the night. That would be really really fun. Enough said. I might visit the Block party after work if my parents let me, just because I want to know what it's like, and I wanna see all the crazy people drunk off their ass in their crazy costumes.

My parents are home. Whoo hooo. I saw them on the highway when I was going to group. Hehe. I was right behind them. It was really amusing. Okay. That was stupid. I am catching a freakin' cold. This sucks. This sucks really really bad. My throat is starting to hurt and my nose is all funky and my stomach is hurting like a bitch sometimes. But I am still in a fucking good mood.

Okay. On to some serious topics.

Right. I really want to move to California. But everyone (the adults) that I've talked to said that I should stay here because it is easier just going to school here and not having to worry about paying rent and going to school at the same time. Could I actually balance school with work? It's possible. I'm scared that if I do take a year off I wouldn't end up going back to school. But I really can't see that happening at all, unless I decide to go into heavy core drugs and lose myself completely to reality. And I sure as hell don't see that happening. It's possible for me to balance school and work. Of course, there are other reasons as to why I want to go there that has nothing to do with school.

Yes, I want to be closer to Candice. And I'll be lying if I said that she doesn't have some influence on my decision. This guy at group said not to sacrifice what you want for love. He said you have to do the things you want to do, get yourself settled first, and then if someone wants to come into your life they can, but don't put everything aside for one person. Ahhh. And that statement doesn't help me one bit. Haha. I've always wanted to move to California. That's a given. Candice is just a really big plus. The only thing I'll be sacrificing is time? No, I'm not even sacrificing that. I don't know. What would I be sacrificing? Having it easy? The only difference about staying here is literally, I wouldn't have to do anything for myself. And I don't want that kind of life. Well, I do. And I don't know why I'm so eager to rid myself of it, but I don't know. I won't be relying on my parents my whole life obviously, ahhh, I don't know. I use to be so scared of growing up. And now all I want to do is be on my own. It's only because I feel like I need to grow up. As mature as I am, there is this major immature part about me that I really don't like. I'll be sacrificing taking it easy. Hehe. I just want to explore.

What's the most bizarre thing ever is that, although I want to move there for Candice, I really don't want to be in a relationship with her. Well, I do, but I don't. Like I'm not moving there expecting to jump into some kind of relationship with her. I want to move there just to be closer to her. And that's honestly it. I want more then anything to be close to her. I'm confused again. I don't understand my reasoning at all. It's not that I'm scared of commitment. It's more like I'm scared shitless of hurting her. I have never ever wanted not to hurt anyone so much in my life. Like the thought of hurting her just makes my head spin in crazy circles. I wouldn't be able to bear it. I would never intentionally hurt her. But the unintentional part is what worries me. I would never ever want to hurt Candice under any circumstance. I was talking to Joe a while back, he told me that we're always afraid to hurt the ones we love. And sometimes we do, that's why you share your feelings and talk/fight it out. What not. It's stupid to let a fear such as this stop something that could be so great.

Comment! (0) | Recommend!