*Sigh*

I'm starting to lose my temper a lot. I don't know why. Especially reading that Harry Potter book, it's raking on my nerves. It sucks. Actually, the parents are pissing me off. And there's just so much I want to bitch about, but I don't want to say it because too many people read about this. In other words, I'm sick and tired of them always trying to make me be something that I'm not! It's like I can never PLEASE them one single bit. And when I get a bit annoyed, and actaully you know, sound annoyed, they get all pissed off. What the fuck? It's no wonder that I cut! I mean, use to cut. I can never express my anger without someone BLAMING me for fucking everything. I'm tired of them not liking any of my friends, this exclude Priscilla, because well, technically we aren't suppose to be talking to each other. Plus, as always, she's excluded from everything, haha. The blame me for how I act. How I dress. Who I hang out with. Who I don't hang out with. What I want to be. How I think. What I do and what I don't do. I'm sick and tired of it!!! They always want me to make friends with the MOST fucked up people. They liked Brandi and she's completely fucked in the head. Yeah. They like preps. I'm tired of them wanting me to be what they want me to be. I want to be what I want to be. I'm tired of all this fucking unspoken battles with them. I don't complain about their views. Yet, they complain about mine. I'm not going to be exactly like them. And they expect me to, one way or another. I'm not like them!!! I don't think like them! I don't want to be like them! I wish they would just get off my fucking case. And I'm really pissed off about them throwing my pants away. Seriously, I have like nothing to wear. And everything they do, every disapproving look they give me is starting to my anger boil. Seriously. I just want to fucking punch down a fucking wall. I could be so much more. But they wont let me because THEY disapprove with the way I express myself. So I'm constantly having a battle with myself and them. They want me to blend in with the crowd. What the fuck? I wasn't meant to fit in! It's not like I haven't tried that, it's not like I'm not trying right now for their fucking sake, I'm sooo fucking fake. I think I've even invented another personality. The fake Jess. See the smiling Jess at work. That's me. Fake fake fake fake fake. And constantly trying to keep my childish side alive. Now, I don't even know what kind of person I want to be. I can be one of those great people with an awesome reputation who is fake as hell. Or I can be honest and true to myself. If there's one thing I've learned. People screw you over when you're too nice. And that is my greatest flaw. I'm too fucking nice! It sucks. And that part of me, the only good part of me, is slowly starting to die away. Because I realize, the people out there, are all full of shit. They'll screw you over in a heart beat if they had a chance. They'll take advantage of you. Use you for their own devices. Which makes me question? What makes them so different from Hitler? From other mass murderers? My idealist view of how "all people are good inside" is starting to fade. I'm starting to seriously believe that there is evil in some people that can never be cured.

So yeah. I'm pissed off. I've been losing my temper alot inside of my head, and I've also kept it carefully bottled away. Sometimes when the customers come into the store and are all rude and shit, I just want to say the foulest things to them. Regardless of the fact that they won't ever come back.

I HATE THIS FUCKING WORLD. Life is beautiful. Most of the people in it make it horrible.

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Whoa. My head is really spinning here. I'm getting a few moments of dizzy lightheadedness. Fuck. That's no fun. My tooth hurts like a bitch.

So, I finally told Mark why he was annoying me in a very discreet away. But hey, I told him, didn't I? Haha. And now, I just stopped myself from telling him more because he's in a depressed mood. No point of making him feel even worse!

There's this battle I'm having with myself. Yeah, I don't think it's a good thing when I end up talking to myself (in my head) at work. It's just. I'm scared. And I don't want it to turn out like it did in the past. But, I can already feel my borders breaking away. And now, i don't know. I'm dreading the worst.

Dreading it.

......

Fuck. I can feel it all coming back. It's all back. And and...I don't know whether to stop it or not. And once again, Mark manages to piss me off. But I'm too the point where I don't even consider him a friend anymore. Oh well. Priscilla! I HAVE to talk to you. It's all coming back. Remember 9th grade? Remember the bitching you got? LoL. Which is kind of funny now that I look back on it. But the feelings are coming back.. I don't know .. should I stop it? I don't want to though. I don't wanna. I don't! But I do, because, what if it's the same? I don't want to get hurt again? I have no innocence left in me, this would be the last time, I know it, because of the voice in my head. I have never had such a great desire to please. And never had such a great desire to just completely and utterly block it off. I'm stuck.

Help me choose the right path.

I want to believe. But I'm starting to think that that belief is just...a..bloody illusion.

I want to. You don't know how bad I want to! Believe that I can bring this side of me back out unharmed. But oh, can I? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. But she wants to come out. It's terrible. Arguing with her in the middle of work. I'm just..I don't know. I'm going to go read.

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I don't know how I feel anymore. My anger has finally subsided and now I feel horrible. Although, I don't see the logic behind me feeling horrible other then the fact that I do. I suppose feelings aren't suppose to be logical? Oh, I don't know. Secret Window is a fucking kickass movie. I can't say ANYTHING about it or else it'll ruin it. That kind of sucks. Haha. I actually figured out why I got so upset. Well, bits and pieces at least. It scares me when people that I care about are angry, and when they start directing their bad moods at me. It always has. That's why I use to block off my anger, and keep it all bottled up. I'm actually quite scared of being angry myself and actually expressing it. And now looking back to what I've written, I don't think it was a very good idea for me to express it, even in writing. I don't know. Like I said, I don't know how I feel anymore. This is also been an attempt to fight my growing depression. So yeah, I stopped taking Zoloft. I don't know why. I was happier when I was on it. But my brain just keeps telling me not to take it. That I don't need it to be happy. So I haven't gone to the doctor to get more. Nor have I gone to the therapist, although, I did have a terrible dream about it last night. Well, something to do with her anyways. And of course, there's a part of me that likes being depressed. Everything just feels more real. And those rare times that I'm able to float on that cloud of happiness, I cherish it. But when I'm on Zoloft, I don't. I don't know. I guess it's the only thing I've ever really tried to work for. Happiness. And it's the only thing that I've ever been able to achieve. So I'm like kind of happy being this way. You think there's a reason why "mad" is mad. I mean, you have the angry "mad" and then the insane "mad" so do you think you could ever go completely mad because you were so mad?

I just want to hang out with Mistress before she leaves...

But I don't think I have the right to want anything right now 'cause I think I managed to piss her off even more.

I'm sorry...

*Sigh*

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You know what? I say, fuck the inbetween the lines writing. Here's it straight up. You know what I hate the most? When people take their anger out on someone else. For instance, I IMed Bettie last night and asked her why she said "I don't know" about me seeing her tomorrow. Well, she got all bitchy and said, "Why does everyone ask so many questions." I don't know why the fuck she was so pissed off. I'm SO fucking TIRED of this SHIT. SICK and tired of it. I don't know which is better. Letting her words hurt me or not letting it hurt me at all. Yes, well I've obviously taken the first one, hence the reason why I'm so PISSED OFF. I don't even know how to express my anger nor do I want to because I might be fucking mean to everyone I come across, but I'm not going to do the thing I hate the most. Not to mention, that's added to my anger toward my parents, Mark, and Brandi. And soon enough, that anger is going to grow because of the stupidity of the people in my softball team and the stupidity of the coaches and their fucking immaturity. I'm surprised the customers haven't pissed me off.

You know what's the best feeling in the world right now? The pain from punching the fucking wall. Yeah, that's how mad I am. And soon, I'm going to have to deal with the idiots on my softball team. And fucking Katie Fritz, ugh. I wouldn't be surprised if I chunked a softball at the back of her head for her fucking attitude that pisses everyone off. Or flattening her face with a baseball bat. And that chick who was supposedly "friends with Jessica Simpson." I hope they both drop dead. Seriously, I wouldn't give a damn if they falled off the face of this planet.

At least, there's a softball game to release this anger. But I never played very well when I was angry. LoL. It just made me more angry. Oh, perhaps this time will be different. Then I can go home and take a nice shower and slip into the world of Harry Potter.

I'm sad. One of my managers might be transfering to a different store. =(

I don't want him to go! He's soo cool!!!! Shit, I forgot the stickers Priscilla! Hahaha. If there's any left tomorrow, I'll get some.

I'm actually in a better mood now that I've written this.

Softball game here I come.

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She IMed me last night to tell me that her b/f broke up with her and her heart is in two. And I ask myself, "What the fuck did she tell me that out of the blue?" Oh right, now that she doesn't have anyone, she's going back to the last resource she has, me, to give her comfort. Well, all I can say is, shit fucking happens. Yes yes, I know, you want someone to get high with and spill all this pain out to. But once again I ask myself, why should I give you that comfort when it was never returned to me? I'm starting to question why I am so forgiving. Can I find it in my heart to forgive? Do I really consider you one of my friends? No, I don't consider you a friend, but yes I do find it in my heart to forgive if only you wanted forgiveness. All you want is to use me. So I will use you as you are using me.

I can't find my fucking keys and I have work in 15 minutes.

It feels like I got absolute no sleep at all.

Dreams haunt me. Yes, my dreams last night reflected my anger. And for the first time, that anger has not subsided one single bit. Why? Because I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself.

Yeah, I have to fucking work.

Priscilla, if you're reading this, call my work at 972-234-8768.

See ya.

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