So. It really is over between us. I don't even think the whole friends thing will work between us. I called her just a few minutes ago. Talk about awkward silences. I think I cried all my tears before the break up. It's one thing, when you're scared of it and don't want it to happen, it's another thing when it happens and you really can't do anything about it. So I really have no tears to cry. It's not like it was completely unexpected. Here's the famous saying, "I wish we could still be friends" though. Ha! This time I'm not the one that's ending it! There's a first time for everything, eh? From the looks of how things are, I don't think it will be happening anytime soon. But it's all good though. I guess. I'm use to people coming into my life for short periods of time and then suddenly just leaving. Sometimes some people were just meant to come in and leave a mark and then go. Perhaps, Bettie is suppose to be that type of person for me. But I must say, she's the first to leave a good impression. Priscilla doesn't count, as always, she's excluded from my statistics. I really don't consider our friendship over until I'm able to see her and talk to her again and get some kind of closure. Anyways, jumping off subject. I guess the hardest thing is to go back to how things were. Or close enough to how things were. I'll miss talking to Bettie everyday. I'll miss getting all excited during the week because I'll get to see her. I'll miss touching her and kissing her. I might as well get this out of my system since I've started. I'll miss her comforting presence, her dominating manner, her witty comments, and even her silence. I'll miss the way she makes me beg and feel so very helpless. I'll miss the way her eyes sparkle when she's happy, I'll miss her laughter, and that cute little sneeze of hers. I'll miss that annoying arrogant brat Roxie. I'll miss the way Bettie and her mom joke around. Most of all, I'll miss spending time with her, amongst other things, but I'm stopping here because now I don't remember what else I was going to write about. It'll suck to see all of those things go and not talking to her ever again. But if we were meant to be friends, then we will be. If we weren't, then we won't. There's nothing I can possibly do about it now. A part of me will always love her though, no matter what. I asked my dad why he didn't hate my brother's mom even though she screwed him over really bad. He told me that if it wasn't for her, she wouldn't have married my mom and I wouldn't be his daughter. It's time for change. This break up is helping me change in a good way, I think.

Well, it's not only with Bettie and I, but with everything that has been going on. For instance, the shit with the car accident, Priscilla, and my terrible grades. The way I'm handling things, or rather, not handling things. The way I seem to be running from my problems. My fear for failure. Everything. Now that I am truly alone ( Well, not truly alone, but alone ) and I don't have anyone to really help me but myself, I find myself at crossroads. Maybe not a big one, but even the littlest things have the biggest affects on your future. One: I can see myself fucking up even more then I am now, and perhaps barely passing high school. ( Yes, it's terrible that I can see that happening ) Two: I can see myself straightening up, trying as hard as I can for now on, and have at least a hopeful future. It's time for me to stop running and deal with all my shit.

Today, I was asking myself how come I always seemed to do better when I'm alone. I think I just discovered my answers. On the outside, I might have seemed like a good kid, but inside, I was in turmoil. The problems that caused such turmoil was so subtle that I didn't even know that it existed, or rather, I disguised it with something else. But when I started getting friends, and started feeling like I was accepted, yada yada, falling in love and all that junk, my mind went fully into that. It's like I was living in a reality based dream. If that makes sense. I was blind to all my problems. It was one thing to disguise my "whatever" with "I have no friends" and "I hate being alone." And what not. It's a totally different story, when I decide not to deal with it. I've come to realize that it isn't the being alone part that bothers me. It's the reason behind it. My lack of self-esteem and my hatred for myself. And probably a lot more things that I have yet to figure out. I spent all summer and most of the beginning of this school year trying to figure out how to help myself. I finally understand why I wasn't able to do it. I never saw how the problems developed. But now that I can see, I will be able to truly change and become (hopefully) a better and happier person.

In any case, tomorrow I'm going to ask my mom to make an appointment for me with a therapist. I think it's time that I get some help. And I think it'll be good to go to one when my emotions are fresh. As much as I think I have a lot of myself figured out, I know there's a lot of things that I haven't, and I don't want to take the chance of falling again when I've just managed to push myself up a little. Plus, the thoughts that have been going through my head aren't exactly the happiest of thoughts nor the most pleasant. I'm so disappointed in myself. I smoked today. Never smoke with a sore throat cause it hurts like fuck. I haven't had a cigarette in like a week. That's something for me. Anyways, I don't think I'll be starting up again, because smoking just isn't the same anymore. Like I said, I can see myself going down the bad road. I was so close to asking Brandi if she'll smoke me out this Saturday. I've been thinking about cutting, which thankfully I didn't revert to. And the most distressing thought of the day... I know Chhai wants me. I know the reason why he still talks to me and hangs out with me is because I'm the only chick that he's ever gone out with that wouldn't have sex with him. That, and he's a horny bastard. Now, I use to be terrified of even the thought of sex. And it use to make me, actually it still does ( Bettie's the only one that got past that barrier), make me really uncomfortable when people touch me. Nonetheless, I've been thinking about just letting him fuck me. Now, I can't remember how that thought popped into my head. I know it's something along the lines of that's all I'll ever be good for. I know that's not true, but a large part of me thinks so, hence the reason why I'm seeking help. And now that I've got it into my head that pleasure isn't a bad thing, well, let's just say...that's the bad road that I can see myself taking.

So as you can see, I am at a crossroads. I know which road I want to take, but the problem is actually taking the first step in the right direction and not turning back from it. Right now, I'm in the dark, I know the two paths exist but I don't know in which direction and which one is the right path. I need the guidance. I don't trust myself to take it alone, especially when I've failed so many times before, alone. Plus, it's time for me to learn how to have a little trust and faith in adults.

It's time for me to try to be what I know I can be.

It's time to grow up.

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Bettie, I'm sorry for accusing you of things and reading too far into nothing. I'll stop. I hope you will forgive me. I'm so sorry. I hope I didn't end up fucking up our relationship. Please, forgive me. I was being a complete and utter idiot. I'm sorry.

I love you.

I really am sorry.

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I'm starting to get confused on who is who,
And exactly who is doing what,
And when,
And why.

I'm lost in the world of
Angry curses,
Bitter laughter,
And broken hearts.

And beneath it all
There is only one cry
One cry of
Shredded innocence
Broken promises
And hopeless dreams
Left unheard
On deafened ears.

Between angelic wings
It awaits a time
To relive the life
That was stolen from it.

To show the world
Through the life of sins
and guilty pleasures
That killed it
That it can still be..
Reborn.
Pure
and
Full of Childhood Innocence.



It's been a really long time since I've even attempted to write a poem.

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All things come to an end. You know, I don't think I've ever had anyone break up with me before. What a different role I'm playing. So this is what it feels like. I suppose it could be worse or better. Depends on how you look at it, I guess. I mean, I could be bawling my eyes right out now. It kind of frightens me that I'm not. I knew this was going to happen anyways. Expect the worse, always hurts less when you do. I enjoyed the times I had with her. And hope to enjoy more times with her as friends. Once again, I have to go through the long process of falling out of love. I'm glad she's not the one to teach me how to hate. I'm a tad bit numb right now. There's a certain comfort in being so utterly alone. It comes to the point where you lose your connection with other people and your heart turns so very cold until you can't feel anything anymore. I can't even bring the old me..the me that was just here like fifteen minutes ago back. The next few days my head is going to be in a chaos, as everyone tries to scramble for a position. I already know who's going to come out on top, unless someone can miraculously break through the barrier that he's set up in the next few days, and bring out the girl that was out just a few moments ago. Highly doubt it though. I knew this was going to happen. I told Priscilla she would fucking disappear when Bettie and I broke up. Everything is fleeting with her. Max, the kids. That's an extremely scary thought. I'm glad to be in control again. The depression is gone. Wow. It's good to be back. What can I say? I'm an extremely fucked up individual. There's no more outside forces to push me away. I'm here for a very very very long time. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna make the same mistake twice. Whoo hoo.

Laters!

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I'm in a pleasant mood.

I love you, Bettie!

Lunch time!

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I don't know what else to do. You say you want this to be a real relationship, the only person benefiting from this is me. The only person that's having a dramatic change is me. You aren't getting anything. At least, not something that people haven't already given you before. All in all, you still feel alone. The only thing I'm left with is having you collar me. I know you don't want to. Shit, I don't want to, not in this way. But if you won't let me help you...I swear to fucking God, I will throw myself at your feet whether you like it or not. Being your property is the only other way I know how to service you, and you wouldn't have to worry so much about helping me, and being a catalyst and stuff. I've had enough of this relationship. It's time for you to get something out of this..out of me..too..whether it be girlfriend or property. You will be getting something out of this. I will not let you let me just be another person that comes and goes in your life leaving only a trail of dust in your path. This time, it's your turn to be helped. There's a balance in life. Good vs Bad. Light vs Darkness. It's not good to just always give just as it's not good to always receive. You have to give some and receive some. It's your turn to receive. I love you too much to just let you go unchanged.

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