Oh poopie. I just deleted everything. This sucks!

Okay. Man, I wrote so much too. I'll just give a summary now and jump to the important part. I'm feeling so much better after that last entry. Emoting feels good.

I hope Bettie and Rej are happy together. I'm actually glad to see that they have managed to find their way to each others arms. It's great to see that she can make Bettie happy. I hope they have an eternity of happiness together and may their love for each other make both of them a better people. On a side note, I am sad that it wasn't me, but that's natural. I've accepted it. It wasn't meant to be. Bettie and Rej are more compatible (spelt that wrong) then Bettie and I would ever be. I'm happy that Bettie has found her match. =D

However, I do hope that we will be able to pick up a friendship. But it takes both sides to work it out as it does everything. I don't know if she wants to be friends or not. If she doesn't then...

Goodbye Bettie. You've left an imprint on my heart and you'll remain in my memories forever. Thank you. Good luck with Rej.

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I don't even know what to write here. I don't even know how to sort out my emotions. They are all muddled together and they don't make sense. I'm scared to cry. I'm scared that if I start crying I won't be able to stop. I sit in my room each night after work staring at my wall and letting it all rush to my head until I lose touch of reality. Work occupies my mind and is the only source of bringing me back. But now, it feels as if I'm living two separate lives. When I'm not at work I feel like I'm living in a fucking dream. When people are around, I put on a big smile, joke, and laugh and pretend that the break up wasn't a big deal. The way I treated Bettie on Thursday was not disrespect to me. I have always been that straight forward and assholeish with people I consider are close to me. And it really fucking pisses me off that she said that she only saw my submissive side cause she was my girlfriend. The reason why she saw my submissive side was not because she was my girlfriend. It was because I trusted her and loved her enough to show it to her. It's that fucking simple. Why? Because that's the part of me that leaves me vulnerable as fuck. And I don't like being vulnerable to fuckers that I don't trust or remotely care about. I fucking "regressed" because it hurt too fucking much. What the fuck did she want me to do? Reveal how hurt I was and beg her to take me back?

And you know. The thing that hurts the most isn't the break up or the fact that she picked her present girlfriend over me. What hurts the most is that she doesn't consider me a friend, and after all of it she just wants to throw it all away. It's like friendship isn't even a possibility to her. I'll be honest. Completely and honest. It's like the thing between us was just something that came to her life for just a brief second and now she's cutting those bonds as if it never existed. That doesn't make logical sense. But that's how I feel. That's what hurts so much. I'm back to being just another stranger that she happened to talk to. I'm back to being nothing in her life. And it fucking hurts like fuck. It hurts so much that I'm numb to everything else.

It may seem like I've regressed back to how I was in November but quite honestly I haven't. I care enough to care. I smoke because it's a bad habit and I'm addicted. The longest I've gone without smoking was like a week and a half. If I've really regressed to the person that I was in November, the person that she met, I would be trying to block off all this fucking pain. But I'm not. I'm feeling it. I'm just trying not to let it control me.

Honestly. I miss her. Obviously. I want to talk to her. I want to be her friend. I don't want to say goodbye. But I'm so scared of getting even more hurt then I am now. I'm scared she'll reject my friendship. I'm scared to hope and yet I'm hoping. I'm scared that if we do becomes friends, I wouldn't be a true friend to her. I'm afraid that she won't be honest. I'm afraid that it'll just be a way for her to make me feel less sad or whatever.

I honestly don't know what to believe anymore. I don't know what to think. It hurts even more to know that I really didn't even know her. It's like I was falling in love with someone that only existed in my imagination.

It just hurts.

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I have nothing to say.

Hmm.

It's back to the way things use to be.

It's strange to be back.

I'm not sure if this is a good thing.

Things have changed. Yeah. But whether it is for the better or the worse, I don't know.

My heart is....

Eh. Fuck all of this. I'm done writing here.

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A bit of advice. Don't drive when you're mad. Now that I've calmed down, and I'm not mad anymore. I'm glad that they are back together. Well, a part of me anyways. And I honestly and truly hope that they'll be happy together forevers and evers. I have to go. I'll elaborate on it later. *Reminder to myself* Love Friends And I already forgot what I was talking about.

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Hmmm. It's quite difficult to sit here in the living room, typing in front of my parents while keeping a straight face. Oh yeah. Well, at least I know I'm not completely numb to the break up. And now that I know the other half of the story, which she didn't bother to explain to me, it hurts even more now. But what the hell. Shit fucking happens. And just for what it's worth. No, I haven't forgotten about you and I still do care. But currently, I am quite pissed off. Could it be sizzling anger that I'm feeling? But at the same time, I'm not that mad and I don't hate her even though some people would consider it cheating. However, she doesn't believe in cheating. So I guess it's not cheating. And I don't consider it cheating unless she did shit with someone else. But then again, I don't even fucking know what the fuck she did and blah blah blah. Talk about great communication, eh? Okay, so I'm pissed. And I'm letting it out right now. So I understand that if you got stronger feelings for someone else, then it would be the best decision to break it off with the person that you're with. And let's just say that all she did was just talk to him. I would have no reason to be pissed right? I'm not mad cause she's with someone else right after we broke up. I'm pissed because she only told me the fucking half truth. Damnit. Karma again. *Sigh* Oh yes, I'm mad about something else. But I'll leave that out cause I'm not comfortable discussing that to anyone but myself. I'm not jealous though. I mean, I'm not gonna hate the dood that she's with. Or whatever. Shit happens. I'll live. It's not like it hasn't happened to me a billion times over again. Now, all I need is a few dozen cigarettes to calm my nerves before I start saying things that I will really regret. Let's leave it at this.

Love takes a lot of work.

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It's officially over between Bettie and I. Better sooner then later since she's moving to Seattle anyways. There's no hard feelings. It was all worth it, every single second of it. I'm glad that we are still able to be friends. She doesn't want to be another May. She won't be because with her I was able to love and be loved in return. It was a gift. But unfortunately, everything comes to an end eventually. All things must end for there to be a new beginning. I see this as a fresh new plate. I can explore different grounds now. There's no Priscilla to rely on. Bettie is just a friend now that will be moving soon. It's time for a clean start. After three years of chaos, I've finally been able to find my way back, thanks to the help of many people. And I understand why things happened, I'm glad they happened the way they happened because I've grown a lot from it. It's amazing how much I have grown without me even realizing it. The changes were so subtle. A few year ago, even a few months ago, I would be handling this situation differently. I would be all depressed and suicidal and shit, hating the world for screwing me over again and again and again. But not this time. Not this time. This time I didn't get screwed over. But I'm not depressed and suicidal. I'm just sad that it had to happen, but also glad that it happened now then later because it would hurt more if it happened later. However, it does bother me that I wasn't able to affect her the same way she affected me. But then again, everything leads to something. Enough said.

This gives me leeway to explore different grounds. My place was never meant to be with Bettie. She couldn't give me what I wanted, just like I couldn't give her what she wanted. So it's all good. Now, I can elaborate more on how I found my sense of belonging. So I went into Yahoo chat a few days ago, into the BDSM section, and talked with a slave, sub, and Domme. Of course, I lied about my age but eventually I told the Domme the truth. It's always better to be honest. She was actually looking for a real life live in. The thought seems so enticing, it's a shame I'm not fucking 18! She's been searching for a live in for three years now, and she has room for four. I'm talking like once I turn 18 I'm actually going to be able to be a live in slave for her. It never hurts to hope. I mean, she's searched for fucking three years and haven't found one. In a year and a half, I'll be 18, she may have a space open. On the other hand, if I decide that I'm really serious about this, I'll have to get to know her a lot better. I would actually have to find some way to go to upstate NY and meet her. It's comforting to know that I'll get about a year and half or so to feel her out, see what she's all about. From the looks of it so far, she's a really nice woman and a great Mistress. Her husband is great. Of course, I would have to discuss this with her, and her slave that she's hoping will come and live in with her soon is going to help talk to her about it as well. But I'm going to have to stack up on books. I think I'm going to go to Barnes and Noble tomorrow and buy a whole shit load of books. I have to get SAT and ACT books so I can study and shit. It's not good to keep myself in ignorance, especially on a subject that can be potentially dangerous if I'm not careful.

Like I said, I've found my place in the world. Again, my road may lead me to a different road in a completely different direction. After all, reading is totally different then actually seeing it in real life, experiencing it for yourself. But it feels right. It fits into my puzzle perfectly. Holy shit, my aunt is having another kid. Okay, sorry, hehe that was not random, I was listening to my mom talking on the phone. Anyways, yeah, it feels like I was meant for it. BDSM is all about trust. And I have a lot of that to give, but no one to give it to. I mean, I have trust to give to people, but not in that way. Oh fuck, I don't know how to explain it. My submissive side is always a side that I have to keep hidden or keep down because either people take advantage of it, or they get tired of it, or both. I need someone experienced enough to know what to do with my submissive side. It isn't just feeling helpless that I like, but the feeling of control one may have over me. And not only that, but the fact that I will have so much trust in that person that I'm willing to give up my power and control to that person. To trust that person enough to take care of me totally and completely. To trust that person so much that I'll put my whole life in that person's hands. In return, I'm given the ability to please the person at any means possible. I love pleasing people just as much as I love feeling helpless and all that jazz. With it all comes love. Through it all a Master/Mistress is able to love their slave much like a owner loves their pets, and vise versa. And this wouldn't work out at all without it. Why do I want to be a slave and not a sub? I know I was meant to be a slave. To give yourself completely over to someone is having no say in anything whatsoever, to me at least. A slave doesn't have a say in things, but a sub does. I want to give myself completely over to someone. Mind, body, and soul. That is what it means to me to give myself completely over to someone and a lot of people can't handle such a responsibility. So it would be a honor and privilege to be someone's slave.

Hence the reason why I can't wait until I'm 18. I'll be able to explore the BDSM community and familiarize myself with things and see if it is something I really want to do. To see if I'm really as serious as I think I am about it. I could never understand this submissive side of me. Never. It use to bother me a lot because I was so submissive. I couldn't quite figure out how to fill the emptiness. But now I do. With a few explainations, and chatting with a few kind people, I've been able to find the answers for myself. To know what exactly I am dealing with. What this submissiveness means. Now, I feel much more confident and secure because of it. The pieces fit together perfectly and I understand now! It feels great. I don't know if any of this makes any sense, but I'm still trying to separate my feelings and put them into words. What a discovery. I can't even remember how I discovered BDSM.

Ohhh!!! I remember. I was at the book store with Alec and we went to the sex section, and some of the books had S/M written on them. And then after that day, I went online and started looking it up and seeing what it really was and I got hooked. It was like my childhood fantasies coming back to life. And then I started discussing it with Priscilla. Everytime we went to Oaklawn, we would go to that book place and I would go straight to the BDSM section and start looking through books. It went from there. Then Bettie came along and made my fantasies more vivid and real.

I have to start buying books so I can figure out more things. Answer questions that couldn't be answered before.

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