Maybe we were never true friends to begin with. We use to question what could possibly break our friendship apart, we both couldn't foresee it. It's strange that it took someone else to break us up, but then technically, we're doing it to ourselves. If she wants to make petty excuses for herself, fine. Because I give up. I'm letting go. This is the end. If she hadn't noticed already, I do mentally attack people with my words. It's what I do. It's what I'm good at. I've done it to her a billion times, and I find it humerous that of all the times to be pissy, she gets pissy now. Well, as much as she thinks I'm assuming, I know what the fuck her family is like, I know how people see her, and one fucking stupid mistake that really doesn't make a difference at all is not going to make that someone she wants to care to stop caring about her. God. But whatever, I'm shutting up. Right here and now. Maybe I should not pursue the fucking friendship. Maybe I should just let it happen, if it should happen. Because everytime I ever fucking pursue anything with all my heart, I end up fucking a whole lot of things up. It's not fucking wonder I don't try. It's no wonder I have no motivation. It's not surprising that I stay so detatched from everything.

As much as I like having a true friend, as much as I like having a companion, I've always liked being alone the most. Hey, this is almost enough to get me suicidal if I was depressed. And yet, I'm never truly alone. I don't want to go back to thinking how everyone is going to leave. I keep jumping from, "Yes, I love being alone" to "no, I want someone with me." Shit, my highness is back and I feel fucking dizzy. Yay fucking hoo. Blockbuster was boring, I spent the whole time like feeling out this stupid book.

It's weird but I connect with guys a lot better now. It's like old times.

Now, that I'm not mad anymore, I really didnt mean a lot of what I wrote up there. I don't want our friendship to end. But I'm scared that if we both run, it will end. You're right. I don't know.

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I miss the touch of the blade as it glides effortlessly through my skin, piercing flesh and drawing blood.

I want these incoherent thoughts to end.

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I have a sore throat again and my head hurts like a bitch. Last night, I swear I almost had like a nervous breakdown or something. I was watching Home Room and the movie really set me off afterwards. It was terrible. I started crying, and I didn't know why. Well, not really. I hid under my blanket because my little cat alarm clock scared me. And then all these fucking thoughts went through my head about how I use to be scared of my stuff animals because they were staring at me. And then I started seeing shit in my head. Then, I saw eyes looking out at me. Fuck. There was a bunch of other stuff but I don't remember. Ugh. My head is pounding. I feel so fucked up. Mentally and physically. Ahhh. I feel dizzy. Ever After is the cutest movie. I love that movie. Hehe.

I hate how I can't remember what happened. Why can't I remember? Do I need to remember? How do you fix something if you really don't believe that it really happened? I mean, if I can't remember it, does it really exist? Sometimes I think it's my head making all this bullshit up. No, wait, I think that a lot of times. But I don't know. Maybe I'm making it all up because I'm hiding something else. How do I really know that I really did get raped? Or maybe it's just easier for me to think that I am making it all up. Oh, I don't know.

I have so many unanswered questions that I can't voice here.

I'm going to go eat.

Later.

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I'm beginning to hate sleep. I sleep less and less now. I remember my dreams better when I sleep less. I keep having dreams, and they get weirder and weirder every night. It's all intermingled with things I have read or watched. My dreams are actually quite entertaining. I remember I was a guy in my dream last night. It was during the Medieval Times. I remember the torture chamber. I was like getting a briefing of the history of torture used in Medieval Times and then I was there about to experience it. Oh yes, there were flying cars with parachutes. I was flying with someone, but he ended up dying cause his parachute didn't work. We landed in a tropical forest. There was a little poodle chasing me and forcing me to the direction of the "castle." It was all very strange. Fuck. My parents are awake. I need to get some cigarettes.

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I love my PreCal teacher. I wish I could take Calculus next year just so I can have her but I failed first semester PreCal. Maybe I'll retake first semester in summer school. Ms. Hanna is awesome. I totally respect her as a teacher. I even like her better than my English teacher. And she's wonderful at teaching. She may be a little picky when it comes to the quizzes but I actually understand the material. For some reason, that teacher gets me to try. She motivates me to do my best. For christ sakes, I went up to the overhead and did a problem. And I never ever do that cause I'm shy. Granted, I copied the problem, but anyways I understood how to do the problem afterwards, and yeah. If it was any other teacher and any other classroom, I would have been too nervous. Yep yep. She's a great teacher. I don't know why I stay my ass in AP classes when I obviously work better in regular. No that's lie. I'm not doing too hot in history and physics.

I have orientation on Saturday. My brother says it's really boring.

I have nothing to talk about.

I just wanted to talk about my PreCal teacher cause she makes me smile. Haha. That was cheesy.

It's my brother's birthday in three days. I saw him today. w00t! There wasn't any bad vibes are anything. It was great.

I'm happy. Go me. And yet I can't stop thinking about cutting. It's cause I'm obsessed with the whole blood idea cause of the blood donations thing and I wanna watch my blood spill. But nope, that ain't happening no mores.

Matt says I'm more responsive. Yay!

I'm sad though. But, my happiness is overriding my sadness for once!

No, I'm just scared that this is a seasonal thing. Maybe I have seasonal depression. I'm always depressed during fall and winter. And when spring and summer time comes I'm cheerful as a bee. My grades get better too. And I'm happier, obviously, and more responsive. But then I feel really ADD cause I have all these thoughts in my head and my brain feels scattered. Shit. I gotta study for the physics test tomorrow. Eh, I'll do it tomorrow.

Karen is so cute. She asked why gay guys like fucking other gay guys in their butt hole. And she actually said FUCK. *Gasp* Innocent christian girl cursed. Hehe. So cute so cute. I love Karen. She's so cute and awesome. I feel like I haven't talked to Mark in ages. I have no idea why I'm talking about all these people. Jose is such a horny bastard. Eh, but he's cool too. I love the lunch table I sit at. It's amazing how different we all are..but we aren't. Priscilla is right, every conversation does end with sex. Mahmud always brings the strangest muslim food. Wait, I don't even know if he's muslim. Indian food? Oh I don't know. But it's fucking food...fuck...I mean good. Travis is by far the nerdest person at the table, but he's cool and he's so sweet and he buys me lunch and I have to remember to pay him back.

My mom is leaving for Taiwan tomorrow morning. Bye bye mommy.

I'm confused. Confused confused confused. Confuzzed. Goldfishes are sooo DELICIOUSSS...I love GOLDFISH. Hehehe. I love goldfishes man, they're like fucking great. It reminds me of sixth grade. Dude, that seems like only yesterday. *Tear* So sad.

Alright. I'm tired. This was really pointless except about my teacher. Hehe. I love Ms. Hanna. Okiez. Buh baiz!

How the fuck does everyone know who Chhai is? God damn. Jose: "He's one horny guy." Matt: "Ahhhh" I'm honored to have gone out with such a popular guy. NOT. But he was a hella good kisser, I'll give him that. Now I'm refraining from making rude remarks. I'm a nice chick.

I'm starting to annoy myself. Is that a bad thing?

Why the fuck am I acting soooo obnoxious?!?!

Laters maties.

This entry embarrasses me. It's getting passworded.

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The pain and guilt hits home. Jealousy threatens to overthrow me. I should never have let that stupid emotion through. Who exactly am I jealous of? Every single god damn person that gets to see and talk to Priscilla. I'm not that jealous, but jealous nonetheless. It just hurts to think that I use to be such a big part of her life. I use to be the person that knew her the best, now I'm just another stranger who knows nothing about her. People change, and I have no idea who she has changed into, how, and why. Now, we're just memories for one another. Memories of a friendship that can be achieved and memories of a minor mistake that fucked it all up. From what Priscilla wrote today on her NuTang. I know. Deep down inside, I know, this is the end. The path ends here. Two roads diverge and we both go our separate ways. In time, maybe our roads will cross, but if it doesn't, it's farewell. We use to be so afraid that it would happen. Now that it has, even through our own misery and guilt, we're still able to survive and it doesn't seem as bad. Priscilla's dragon dream scares me. And all I can do is choke on my own laughter. I know what it means. I know what I have to do. One of the the worst things anyone can do is hurt the person that means the most to them. I have to let her go. Out of us two, the wuss was really me. Priscilla was always the stronger of us two. I just hope that she will forgive me. I hope we learn to forgive ourselves and each other. Priscilla, if you read this, may our paths cross again some day, if not, farewell my friend. It was an honor to know you. You are by far my greatest teacher.

People come and go, each one leaving an unique imprint on your heart, big and small. And even though in the end, you'll have only yourself, you have those people to thank for the change that they've brought around and your ability to deal with yourself when you're alone. If the source of contentment comes from you, they are the catalyst that awakened it.

I'm starting to like school now that I'm not skipping so much and making friends and shit. Secretly, I've always liked school. It's not school that I had a problem with, it's the people. But, I realized, I was being a complete and utter idiot. I was happy today. I walked out of school feeling great. And I just lost my train of thought. Oh yeah, as alone as I am, everything seems to be a lot better that way. I never thought I'll hear myself say this, but it feels great to be alone. And I'm not bullshiting this time. This isn't a desperate attempt to make my life a brighter place. It's calming to be alone. When I'm alone, I feel happier and I'm more talkactive, and I feel good about myself. It's nice to know that you can still be alone and socialize at the same time. I think I've finally found the balance again. And I sure as hell connect with people a lot better. I know why. I have nothing to lose, or at least I think I don't have anything to lose. And when I think that, I perform at a higher level and I'm myself. Or maybe, it's just how I see things mentally. Yeah, it's probably that, but I can't make sense of that just yet. I just know, in the last week, I have changed for the better. I'm back and it feels fucking good.

In the last few days, I've had two consecutive dreams about me getting this cut that ends up infecting my blood stream and I start looking zombie like (I obviously got that from Dawn of the Dead, which btw people, is the shitest movie I have ever seen) and then blood starts dripping out of my ears and I start spewing out blood, (Got that from the movie Basic) and eventually I die. Well my first dream was more like a premonition like dream for my second dream, I knew the disease or whatever was spreading and I was trying to run from it and keep people so they wouldn't touch me. My second dream is where I get the cut, I don't remember how I received it, but yeah so I catch the disease and I start getting all sick and stuff. It sucks that I didn't spew out my guts and shit. I know a bad part of me is dying. That's what the dreams mean. And then I keep having dreams about Blockbuster and me working there, I have dreams about work a lot, and dreams about school and people. The cut in my dream stands for my cutting which has come to an end. But, I use to cut to prove to myself and other people that I really did care. The cut and the disease is the end to all of that. I'll be very disappointed if I find a cure in my dream. Work, school, and friends is way for my mind to tell myself that I am showing that I care by actually making an effort to try my best. I'm allowing myself to care. My apathy is dying. I can feel both good and bad. Hence, the reason why I'm in such a good mood. And the best thing about this is that, I didn't depend on anyone but myself. I sure as hell didn't have to depend on Priscilla, to make me feel good about myself and all that jazz. I didn't have to depend on Bettie to make me feel alive. They both helped and guided me, but it was me who actually had the courage to walk through the door.

Now, there's another problem I have to start dealing with. Males, dicks, and sex. Yep, I'll explain more next time. I have to take time to think about this. Disturbing, very disturbing thoughts.

I have my muse back. Score! Short story in the process.

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