I knew it was going to happen. She's gone. I can feel it. The connection has A long time ago, I told Priscilla that if Bettie was to ever leave my life, I would die. Not physically, but mentally. The part of me that knows how to love, that been long lost. It's too bad, eh? That's how life is. Hopefully, she'll find some way back. Enough said.

I feel strange. I feel like I'm back in elementary school. I feel like I'm a stranger. My childish side is starting to disappear. You know, this whole time, as I got older I became more childish. Now, it seems it has finally come to an end. I feel different. I don't know how to describe it. It feels as if something inside of me has come back to life. But it's different this time. I can feel my rebellious spark again. I can feel my pent up anger, especially for adults. Hmmm. Maybe what's different is the fact that I've finally managed to destroy that wall blocking me from my emotions. I can feel everything. It's quite frightening.

When I was in the car today listening to Bettie sing and dance, it finally dawned on me that I've changed a lot. I realized how much I appreciated my life, the people in it, and the affect they have on me (good and bad), and I was suddenly content. I was sitting in the car listening and half watching Bettie, and I realized that when I look back, today would be one of the days that would be etched into my memory forever.

knows what it's like to be happy, to feel, would be locked away again. But that will no longer be the case. I spent a big part of my life blocking off my emotions, only letting a small trickle through. For a long time - I didn't realize this until now -I've thought that feeling happy and shit was wrong. The feeling seemed so foreign to me. I can't remember the last time I was excited about something. I've always thought that showing your emotions showed your weakness. It feels good to feel human. The strangest thing of all.

This time it isn't Bettie that was the catalyst. It's my Precal teacher Ms. Hanna. I don't really know why but I really respect and admire her. God, I'm crying. See how emotional I am now? I don't know how she does it, but she motivates me a lot. She encourages me to be a better person. To be the person that I use to be, but better. It feels so good to sit in that class and feel that person come back. I never did understand why Priscilla's teachers meant so much to her until now. Every day I walk out of that class feeling confident. But the minute I step into physics and english *poof* it's all gone.

There's still a lot of shit that I have to deal with. To figure out. To solve. But I feel calmer and more secure now. It's strange. Very strange. I'm becoming more interested in things. Now, if only I wasn't sick, I would actually enjoy playing the flute, instead of stopping to cough every fucking five minutes.

Sleep time.

Goodnight.

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