Be it extremely emotional, controversial, messed up, or whatever, this entry has been password protected.

If you know it, enter it; or, ask me for it.

Comment! (0) | Recommend!

I saw Bettie the other day. I was shocked by my reaction. I was actually excited to see her. Everything seemed to have come back to me. Although, I'm not quite sure why I was soo shocked. It's not like that has never happened to me before. And of course, the feelings would be a lot stronger, since..I don't know, we were more intimate. In any case, I was just surprised how unnumb I am now.

I was thinking something in the bathroom while I was taking a shit and I totally forgot what it was. Oh yeah. I'm finding myself in need of a social life. It's weird. I guess, I actually just want to hang out with people my own age. I want to know what it's like to live the high school life. I want to be able to be reckless and impulsive. I don't want to think of the consequences anymore. I just want to have fun for once in my life. I just want to act like my age.

I still feel like I'm every where at once. And I can't seem to find that balance of where I want to be. I feel like I should be doing something more with my life, but I'm stuck at a plateau.

I need change. I need change right now.

I feel so young and yet so old, so jaded and so innocent, all at the same time.

Ugh.

Comment! (0) | Recommend!

I've learned a lot these past few months. More later though, I have to go to work.

Comment! (0) | Recommend!

I'm suddenly not in the mood to talk to anyone. Seriously, I just want time for myself. To ponder things and such. I knew I shouldn't have gotten high, lol, weed has the habit of making me depressed afterwards. I guess. I don't know. I think a lot when I'm high and after until it's out of my system anyhow. I'm as happy as I'm ever going to get at this point in my life I suppose. Candice is right, I do want more, and I don't think I can keep doing this. I think I've already managed to block a part of me off from getting hurt. Things are already starting to become different. I still love her, but I can't go on continuing to sacrifice things. It has become very apparent that Candice isn't going to sacrifice anything for me. Not until she's ready, and I'm not sure she is going to be ready. I don't want to pressure her. It's not like I could make her do anything she didn't want to do in the first place. I understand that it's scary, and it hurts, but I don't know, I am willing to make that sacrifice. I hate being punished for someone elses misdeeds. But that's how life works, right? She wouldn't be happy if she commited anyways. And all I want above all else is for her to be happy. But I can't be happy and have her happy if I don't hold a part of myself back. I can't do it anymore. It hurts too much. When she's ready, I'll be waiting. If someone else happens to step into my life during that time, we'll see, right? I can't wait for her forever as much as I want to.

Love is hard to find. I don't think I'll be finding it again anytime soon. And I'm content with how things are with Candice. It just makes me happy knowing that she is.

Comment! (1) | Recommend!

They take and take until I have nothing else to offer. Now I remember why I keep myself so closed off. It's like, in a world that's so fucked up, if someone sees something precious they'll be sure to take all of it. Take take take. Until I'm a god damn empty shell. I've been careless. Time to stop. Because soon they'll be nothing left of me. I've been too emotional. I'm on the cracking edge. I'm protecting myself now. I refuse to lose this side of me again.

Comment! (1) | Recommend!

May is so fucking hot. I swear she's like the only asian chick that I have ever been really attracted to. I really did fall in love with her back when I was younger. Back when I didn't realize that I was into girls. Heh. I still remember writing a poem about her and she asking me if I was a lesbian. I should have known then. Even after all this time, my stomach still flutters when I see her. It's weird. I never hated her for hurting me. Of course, she didn't do it intentionally. I never hated her for not giving me what I wanted. I never hated her for not returning anything. To this very day, I would still be there for her. If she ever needed any help, I would help her. My parents hated her so much. They always thought she was a bad friend. And they couldn't understand why I let her use me. But I never really saw it that way. I was just there to help. Candice is right. I do fall for the tortured souls. Ohh, but how badly it hurt. The things I did for that woman. She awakened me to the horrors of life. She changed the course of my entire life. She made me see the reality of it all.

Priscilla, ahh, sweet Priscilla. If it wasn't for her, I have no idea where I would be right now. Probably my still cold apathetic self that never let anyone in. The first person that I ever felt a deep connection with who was just as selfless with her love as I was. She was the person that was there when I really needed her. She saw the darkest side of me. Had to deal with all my shit, and survived through it. Yay. With her love and kindness, she taught me how to care and love again. The first person that I could be myself around. That I could let my guard down with.

And of course, the infamous Candice. The one who stole my heart away. Ohh, how my life has changed, how I have changed because of her. I don't even have words to describe how she has changed me. I love her. I wish I could be the person that she wanted right now. I wish I could be there to hold her. And I'm so scared that she'll find that person, and I'll be left heartbroken. Heh. At the same time all I wish is for her happiness. I want a relationship with her, but I don't want a long distance one, but I do. I do but I don't. I do because I'm totally in love with her, I don't because it's a long distance relationship and it'll just be fucking hard. I don't because I don't want her to wait for me, but I do because I do want her to wait for me. I'm always at this constant war with myself. I hate it. It drives me insane. It's like I have to choose between either me or her. And I choose her. I wish it was returned. But it's not, and it probably won't be, and I'm not really expecting it to be, and yet I still have hope, and I'm just that kind of person. And I don't know.

It's a battle that I always fight. It's a battle that I've become use to.

It's a gift and a curse.

My greatest strength and my greatest weakness.

My rising and my downfall.

That's something I know will never change, because it is who I am.

Comment! (1) | Recommend!